A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty three


This is a twenty page chapter so buckle up folks. I’m guessing this chapter will not be a return to the A plot, but a continued ramble of bullshit

Nathaniel’s attempt to make me laugh accomplished one thing; it made me feel better, though I have to admit the smell of freshly ground coffee helped lure me through the door. I couldn’t let one ex-fiance stand between me and my coffee, could I? Not and keep my self-respect, so in we went.

What the shit is going on. What time is this taking place. When. What. How.

Richard was sitting at the kitchen table on the side nearest the door. Dr Lillian was standing over the finishing the bandaging of his entire right shoulder and arm.

He was so injured that it barely stopped him from having sex and long conversations. Anyway, Anita is surprised that a medical professional acts like a medical professional. There’s a body guard lurking around because Marcus died (Marcus was a doctor? I don’t know who he is? What the fuck?) and he’s like dripping in knives. Even though he’s a were-animal and has like mad strength.

Anita freaks because she’s clearly going to die, as even though Fredo ‘was on our side, but he was definitely a bad guy’. Who the fuck is Fredo? The bodyguard? Have we met him before, at all? You can’t drop a character name and just expect us to know them because Anita does. NEWSFLASH: I am not Anita, and I’m glad for it. Character knowledge does not equal reader knowledge. Anita panics as her claustrophobia starts to kick in. I want to know how all these people got in the house without Anita’s knowledge. Damian starts to touch her but Anita starts to Hulk up as ‘I need to be angry right now, Damian, it’s all I’ve got’.

I have no idea what’s happening. Anita’s angry about something, but she’s always angry.

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Me too, Bruce, me too.

Dr Lillian demands that everyone give Anita space and some air as her claustrophobia is just sooooooooooo bad you guise, yeah this claustrophobia that she never had until a couple of books ago.

Anita heads out on the deck and flails about seeing colours and panicking and just generally being useless. You see, the tri force is now a five force, as she tied herself to Damian and Nathaniel. Yes, she is now permanently linked to those two wastes of ink.

Dr Lillian orgasms over how amazing Anita is.

“I know you are a constant amazement to the wererats. We never know what you’re going to do next.”

Whine, have sex, flail around, get injured, say disgusting things. That’s about it. Anita heads back inside and Fredo goes all ‘grrrr’.

The white roses that Jean-Claude sent every week framed Fredo’s darkness.

Oh, yeah, he’s a wererat, so he’s Latino. Just to point out how he’s all ‘dark’ and shit, and he’s all super dark against the whitey white roses. Just to prove that LKH puts no thought into her words whatsoever. Anita skulks around the kitchen, wary of the scary brown man.

The days when I would have picked a fight just to reassure myself I was still tough were long ago and far away.

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Being a girl, that phase had been shorter anyway. We are much more practical creatures than men, as a general rule.

Of course, men are just big helpless babies that have to be looked after by women. Because that’s a woman’s job. This sort of shit isn’t feminist fam.

Damien, who hasn’t been the centre of attention for five minutes, has decided to wedge himself between the cabinets.Basically, Damian couldn’t cope that Anita was out the room for two seconds. Ah, codependency. Romantic.

Anita touches him and then suddenly POW. DAMIAN IS SO BEAUTIFUL THEY MUST AVERT THEIR EYES. HE HAS MAGIC VAMPIRE HEALING POWERS THAT LIKE EVER VAMPIRE HAS BUT IT’S SUDDENLY A BIG DEAL BECAUSE BEAUTY.

Micah confirms that Damian is blindingly beautiful and that all of Damian’s flaws have now been fixed, like he’s had amazing beautifying plastic surgery.

I see. People’s flaws are horrible and disgusting. They must be gotten rid of. Because they cannot be loved while they have flaws.

LKH, you’ve got to pay attention to what you write. Because it’s awful and offensive and terribly written.

There’s a page of everyone confirming that Damian is indeed beautiful and then Richard telling Anita how she did it because the Belle vampire line have the powers to make people beautiful.

Wow. That’s such an important and necessary vampire power.

There’s two pages of people wondering how this happened and who did it. THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. I DO NOT CARE WHY DAMIAN IS SUDDENLY SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT NECESSARY. CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

Anita calls JC and he says that BM vamps get prettier sometimes. Anita tells him what happened and because JC has the brain cells of a dead paramecium he thinks this is interesting. Damian and JC talk in German which, ha, jokes on them, as Anita sort of speaks German.

Grandma Blake had spoken German to me from the cradle up. I’d taken it in high school as my language, because I was lazy and wanted a leg up.

And you didn’t take Spanish? When there’s a large Spanish community in your area? And your mother’s family is Mexican, so presumably you speak some Spanish anyway? Gee, Anita, you’re kinda stupid. You already speak German, you don’t speak to Germans on a regular basis, you’re not in an area where German is needed, and you weren’t planing on taking an exchange class to Germany or Austria. Taking German was a fucking waste, because after all that, Anita can’t understand that they’re saying.

JC plies praise on Anita as she’s got some amazing vampire powers that no one else has. Of course she does. She has amazing power that no one else has ever had as she’s the most special little snowflake that has ever existed. JC then gives her shit because she doesn’t love him enough to let him walk around in daylight. It also maybe makes her immortal or something.

or something

JC is angry that Anita had sex, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Anita has to raise the dead sometime soon or her magic will just start fucking shit up.

JC then makes creepy statements about how he’ll now conduct all his business in Italian so Anita can’t do a thing about him and what he does.

I should have lied about speaking Italian, but hell, as good as I’d gotten at lying, my first reaction was still to tell the truth. I guess you can’t undo all your upbringing, no matter how hard you try.

Yeah, right, you’re not a liar. And I guess your parents brought you up to be a horrible human being with no empathy for any other living creature.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty


noe anita

Just when you think Anita Blake has lost all power it has over you…

OK, I am coming back to sporking. I am back, dudes, dudettes, and dudexs. I’m hoping to be back to sporking on a part time basis – I really can’t do the every day schedule anymore! I am not a young sporker out the gates anymore. I’m going back to university in September to train as a teacher (!!!) and I’m in a relationship – so I can’t spend hours every day screaming at Anita.

I’m not going to reveal personal information about my boyfriend, but his name is so ironic. As in, he is my boyfriend. Have I told you about my boyfriend? As I was saying, my boyfriend, who is my boyfriend.

That should be enough clues. Gods, these books are entrenched in my life.

Right, everyone is nude and nothing is happening. That should sum up everything that happened so far. Look, there’s not really that much to catch up on. We’re 150 pages in and nothing memorable has happened.

JC is calling for Anita but she’s full of fear. Anita is slumped with Nathaniel and Damian ‘their hair mingling like bright and dark ribbons’. Gregory is kneeling in front of them all, all half-leopard up in their business.

Even under spotted fur and yellow kitty-cat eyes, the hunger showed through. Not lust, hunger.

You know, I generally can’t read the expressions on a cat’s face that well. They just sort of look like cats all the time? Plus, if you say hunger, I think hunger. If you say lust, I’d think lust. Words mean things.

Richard is also there and his unhappiness/anger/bullshitedness and this pulls everyone out of Damian’s Terrible Worst Memory Ever. Through the power of plot convenience! JC then starts talking again, letting Anita know that Moroven (you know, Damian’s personal Voldemort) can be defeated through the ardeur’s ‘clean lust, free of pain and terror’.

I don’t understand how a moist vag defeats evil but I’m not a vampire hunter. Guess I don’t have the right qualifications.

Richard is very angry because… he’s Richard, and Anita is hesitant to feed on him. After all, Richard doesn’t ever want to be fed on and there’s been that whole issue in the past about how she did it without his consent because Anita is a horrible person. It’s a moment where Anita has a single concern for another living creature – well, until Richard, gritting his teeth, is all YES I HAVE SAID IT’S OKAY.

Well, I guess forced/coerced consent is a kind of consent. Ish.

‘I cannot hold Moroven’s fear off forever, ma petite, you must act before my strength fails us all.’

Oh no they’d be… hurt or dead. I wouldn’t want that, I’m so emotionally invested in all of these richly developed and nuanced characters.

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‘Easy for you to say, it’s not your lily-white ass on the line.’

‘I am loosing against Moroven. I can feel her nightmare coming closer, and when it comes close enough, I will flee and save myself, in hopes that when darkness falls there will be something left to rescue.’

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Anyway, Anita has to have all the sex with Richard because…. um… it’d be super bad you guise you have no idea.

My heart was in my throat like I’d swallowed a fish.

LKH, I’ve missed your terrible primary school metaphors.

Gregory doesn’t help things by sniffing and saying how yummy everything is. Anita is surprised that Gregory, who is in a half-leopard form, has leopard teeth. He licks her face and Anita makes noises from fear.

Gregory growled next to my skin. “Hmm, do it again.”

4vvo8

Gregory will only listen to Richard saying that this is bad and creepy and he should stop and then he laughs. Like a serial killer. He wants to ‘play’ and ‘torment’ her. Ah, rape imagery. I haven’t missed that.

Gregory only stops for reals when Micah (BOOOO) comes in with Clair, Richard’s girlfriend.

You didn’t usually hang on to someone like that unless they were your boyfriend. I realized there was an emotion I could feel through the fear – jealousy. What the hell was she doing hanging on to Micah?

  • She walked into a house and was greeted to a gross, bloody orgy.
  • A gross, bloody vampire lept at her and tried to eat her.
  • Said vampire bit a huge chunk of flesh from her boyfriend’s chest.
  • There is loads of fear floating around the place. Just hanging around.

So, yeah, Clair is scared. But, nope, EVIL SLOOOOOT.

Gregory senses that she’s weak and tries to apply his serial killer charms to Clair but Richard makes sure that Micah takes her out the room. This was pointless.

Richard and Gregory are afraid, blah blah, if Richard changes his clothes will be ruined, blah blah, where is the hot werewolf on werewolf orgy action I was promised, fear is floating around, blah blah.

It’s very riveting stuff, you can tell.

Gregory’s only answer was a low growl that made Nathaniel whimper again.

“God help me, she’s afraid to see me nude, and I fucking love it. I love that she’s afraid of me, and I hate myself for loving it. The ardeur will rise, but God alone knows what we’ll do before it does. With this much fear, with her, I don’t trust my control. And whatever happens I want clothes when it’s over, because I’m going to want to get the hell out of here.”

Okay, this is actually Richard speaking. Not that you can tell, because he’s not mentioned and Gregory’s actions are tagged alongside this little speech. Which is a totes realistic thing for someone to say. Richard then drops his pants.

He undid his belt with one hand and squeezed the top button of his pants. The button popped open and, still gripping the top of his pants, he made a rolling motion with his hand and the buttons snapped open in a long rolling line. The front of his pants spilled open, and he spilled out. Either he wasn’t wearing any underwear or it couldn’t keep him contained

Thanks for that laundry list of actions describing a man unbuttoning his trousers. Because I had no idea how one unbuttoned trousers, it being an action that I am entirely unfamiliar with. Plus, A+ word repetition. And I doubt that Richard’s penis is strong enough to burst through his boxers.

Anyway, Anita is turned on and afraid and angry and shit.

I put my hands over my eyes like a child.

Ah, there’s the strong, sexually liberated adult woman we all know and love. Because there’s nothing that gets me wetter than a sex scene where a woman calls herself a child.

There’s a page where Anita feels like she’s going to scream and Richard is actually a nice person – getting her to calm down, and being there for her, in the moment, and not being an asshole.

I started to nod, then Damian grabbed my leg, and the fear roared back, and the scream ripped out of my throat. It wasn’t just Moroven’s power, it was Damian’s fear of that power, and the fact that I couldn’t shield against it.

FEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR and more vague metaphysical magic that never really comes across as a threat because that requires like, suspense and shit.

It’s nice to be back.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter nineteen


I tried not to think in the shower. Thinking bad; hot water good.

Thinking is always bad for you, Anita. You just seem to be unable to do it at all times.

She’s healed up instantly, which is handy, and then Nathaniel bangs on the bathroom door because Damian is all fucked up again.

argh

what was the fucking point of the last few chapters if damian is INSTANTLY FUCKED UP AGAIN

forward momentum?? Where is it?? You can’t just repeat the same PLOT POINTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER ARGHHHHH

Anita wasn’t aware until Nathaniel told her and is now all full of a crushing sadness because… I dunno, who gives a fuck about Damian? Name me one unique personality trait that he has. She tries getting out the shower but then Gregory and Richard just dump Damian’s body in the room and she feels like she’s suffocating under the weight of his ~sadness~.

It’s lucky that Richard doesn’t have work or anything. It’s lucky that apparently NO ONE HAS A FUCKING JOB THAT WOULD STOP ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM TAKING PLACE. Damian just sort of lands on Anita and it’s just so bad all his sadness and fear.

I don’t give a shit about Damian’s fear. There’s nothing interesting about him. I don’t give a shit about his fear because I’m not invested in him. Anita, Richard, JC, Dolph, Zerbrowski – these are the characters we’re invested in, everyone else is secondary. So I don’t give a fuck if Damian is in fear because I don’t even really know who he is or why he’s even in these books.

Damian’s is all afraid of the vampire that made him and his hair is so long it’s like a blanket (???) (no seriously what the fuck) (JESUS CHRIST THESE HAIR LENGTHS) and Anita is out of Damian’s memory without hurting Nathaniel. Booo because everything in these books would be 100% if they were about hurting Nathaniel all the time. Damian grabs Nathaniel’s arms and now there’s warm golden sunlight everywhere. And they’re in Damian’s memories as when he was turned? I don’t care, and Damian starts to burn up a bit but Anita can’t notice because she’s lost in the totally immersive memories of really inaccurate Viking raids. People start screaming, and then Anita can smell pine trees which means Richard.

Well, yeah, he’s right there, he threw a naked dude at you.

Damian then starts screaming ‘Nemhain’ which is the secret name of the vampire that made him because LKH read Harry Potter and thought ‘hey look someone so scary people refuse to say their name what a cool idea I’m totally going to steal it’.

Everyone starts screaming and cursing Nemhain, so… um, good for them, I guess.

Edit this all out. Scrub it out. It adds absolutely nothing to this mess.

Anyway, screaming Nemhain’s name means that she’s now paying attention to everything that’s going on. For… reasons, because this exact thing happened with BM in Cerulean Sins and with MOAD in the same book, so I guess this is getting repeated all over again for no reason at all. And Damian is now dead in Anita’s arms.

I hate to break it to you but…

Anita FINALLY remembers that she’s a necromancer. Congrats! That only took you several books to remember. So Nemhain whatsit is dragging the life out of Damian but Anita, despite remembering that she has POWERS OVER THE DEAD AND CAN ANIMATE DAMIAN WITH HER OWN MAGIC, hasn’t got a single clue what she can do.

I didn’t know how to fight against nothing. I didn’t know what to do. We were dying, and I didn’t know what to do.

I dunno, do whatever you did when facing this exact same problem in the last book.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter eighteen


Gregory crawled to us on all fours, sniffing just above our bodies. He said in that growling voice, “Me next.”

Ok, he’s still a leopard, so that’s disgusting, and here’s something I’ve noticed: Anita never has safe sex. Considering that LKH makes a big deal about how she’s writing this big ol’adult world, full of consequences, it’s amazing how she’s over looking the fact that Anita might be pregnant and have some sort of super STD.

Shapeshifters look sort of like they do in the movies in half-man form, but there is one big difference. They have genitalia, and right at that moment Greggory was very, very happy to be here.

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Anita finds Gregory’s arousal disgusting and shouts at him to back off. Damian is now sad and Anita can feel how sad he is. Anita wants to get up and this makes Nathaniel guilt-trip her through vague metaphysical emotions. Micah then comes into the room and asks what happened. They chit-chat about how Damian is awake during the day and then he reminds us what he was doing. He was out helping that werewolf who was being a drunk asshole? And, well, it gets worse.

“When I drove the guy home from the bar, he had a live-in girlfriend and a child. Girlfriend started a fight about his drinking. Anger does not help you fight the change.”

“Did he shift?” I asked.

“No, but it was close, and he’s so new…” Micah shook his head again. “I’d feel better if the girlfriend was a little more understanding about how dangerous he could be. She just didn’t seem to understand.”

Oh, this is all her fault. That he went out, got so drunk he might have shifted, got so belligerent at the bar that he might have shifted, and then some fucking idiot rapist brought him back to a home WITH A FUCKING CHILD IN IT is all her fault.

I think Unnamed Girlfriend understands very much that he’s dangerous. That’s why she didn’t want him in the house or wanted him drinking. Because it’s not her fault that a newbie werewolf decided to go out and be a hazard to the public, or decided that even though he’s having trouble controlling his shifts, he’s going to get a human girlfriend with a young child. But it’s all her fault! A man can never be at fault!

Anyway, Richard remembers that he’s in the room and points out that human women just don’t seem to understand how mad, bad, and dangerous werewolves are.

LKH. ARE WEREWOLVES DANGEROUS OR NOT? ARE THEY OPPRESSED AGAINST OR NOT? ARE THEY VICTIMS OF DISCRIMINATION OR NOT? THEY CAN’T BE BOTH.

Richard is all, hey is that one of my wolves someone who is my responsibility and who Micah should have spoken to Richard about and got help from? And Micah is all yes but this is for the good of mankind or something because I am the wereleopard messiah. He’s like Jesus but, you know, a huge rapist asshole.

Anita then decides to have a shower because ‘I’d just had sex without a condom, which meant all the mess had gone into me, but it wouldn’t stay there’. EW.

I DID NOT NEED TO BE TOLD HOW DAMIAN’S SPLOOGE IS ROLLING DOWN ANITA’S LEG

She then thinks about how Tammy got pregnant on the pill but seeing as Anita doesn’t seem to be on the pill, I have no idea why she’s bringing it up. Micah is going to call for a doctor, although Anita’s neck wound seems to be doing fine considering that she’s not dead, and he points out that Clair is sat in Richard’s car crying.

Clair, by the way, is Richard’s girlfriend. Who was just almost attacked by a vampire and saw her boyfriend’s ex have sex in front of her.

Poor Clair.

Richard can’t go outside to comfort her, as he’s covered in too much blood. The neighbours would call the police, even though Anita got this house specifically because it’s alone in the middle of nowhere. LOGIC. But Micah, Manic Pixie Dream Jesus, is on the case. Anita hovers, unsure whether to kiss him, but he’s like GO GET YOUR SHOWER.

Man i love how she’s always unsure and insecure and needing to be ordered about by micah that’s so healthy

Micah seems to find something funny and Anita assumes that he must be laughing at her. Again, that’s a sure sign of a healthy relationship, where you assume your partner is mocking you all the time. She goes to walk upstairs, cautions Gregory against touching her ass, he calls her no fun, she says she’s plenty of fun, he calls her a bitch, she barks.

I presume hilarity was supposed to ensue. Needless to say, I didn’t find it amusing.

 

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter seventeen


Damian bucked so hard that he threw Nathaniel to one side. Richard’s weight alone wasn’t enough. Damian sat up, and Richard rolled off him to keep the vampire from sinking fangs into him again.

christ who gives a shit

Anita starts shouting and waving her arms around saying ‘I’m here!’ even though I thought she was helping pin him down? Let me check. *flips back a few pages* Uh, yeah. She’s helping Richard hold him down, so I have no clue where the fuck she is in the room and in relation to everyone else.

He rushed toward me, so fast he was a blur of white and red, and his eyes like green streaks. […] To say he smashed into me didn’t come close to the impact of flesh on flesh.

Wha? What the fuck is going on? And then Damian just decides to rip open Anita’s throat and then a wereleopard appears.

So… when are we getting back to the murder plot? Because this stuff with Damian is fucking pointless and repetitive. Anyway, Gregory isn’t dead, huzzah, and he’s trying to just rip Damian straight off Anita’s neck which would be the perfect way to kill her. Through having her throat ripped out.

“When I need your help, I’ll ask for it.”

I could tell Gregory was puzzled even through the fur. I wasn’t always good at facial expressions once my friends went furry.

Possibly because Anita can’t tell human emotions anyway and the fact that Gregory literally does not have a human face right now. Look, I know that animals have facial expressions and are expressive, but animal facial expressions mean different things. I don’t even think leopards are capable of looking puzzled?

Anita breathes ‘Damiannnnnn… this is all for you Damian’ and, like magic, he’s all better now. I bet he doesn’t even feel bad for attacking her.

I was suddenly aware in a way that I hadn’t been before that we were both nude, and he was male, and he had fed. His body was thick and heavy against my thigh, where a moment ago it hadn’t been. Blood pressure is a wonderful thing.

Damian just lost all control, attacked several of your friends, and viciously assaulted you. Your ex-partner is in the room, as is a man who are so in wuv with but won’t commit to. There’s a strange woman staring at you. So, naturally, Anita is like, let’s have sex, I’m well horny.

i don’t get these people why don’t they act like normal people

Anita is like I CAN FEEL THE PULSE OF LIFE AND MAGIC and Damian starts stroking her and he’s soooooo lonely that it makes her cry. She whispers ‘Blood of my blood’, for some reason, and they start kissing and she’s like, yeah, sex. We must have it now. Nathaniel now reappears again and is ready for some sex that’s really going to make the GUESTS WHO ARE IN THE ROOM AND STARING really uncomfortable.

but yeah Anita has to ‘bind’ Damian to her even though… we’ve never seen this happen before? Like, it didn’t happen with JC, Richard, and Anita. They just dry humped all over the floor.

Richard then points out that he’s there, and Damian growls and grips Anita’s throat tighter. Anita does some stupid magic words that mean nothing, the ardeur flares up and Damian is like, well my penis is inside you now, and Anita starts instantly writhing around all over the floor and screaming. Like, as soon as his tiny, tiny penis touches her hoona.

For a book series that is lauded as being such great erotica and so sensual, why does Anita act like every female porn star (correction, how every female porn star is forced to act) in every single straight porn ever? People do not start thrashing around and screaming from the second penetrative sex starts. That’s… that’s not how sex works. Ever.

Plus that Clair woman is still in the room. Just watching this happen. And unable to get out of the house now.

Damian then grabs at Anita’s face, forces her to look at him because THERE CAN’T BE A SINGLE FUCKING SEX SCENE THAT DOESN’T SEEM RAPEY, and then thrust away so hard that Anita starts screaming again, and Nathaniel is just sort of… there, and Anita’s convulsing everywhere, as if she’s having a fit. Has Damian even let go of her neck? I can’t tell. Damian is just sort of arched above her and they’re all ‘caught in an endless loop of pleasure’.

Even though he just stuck his penis inside her and is doing nothing else. Pfft. That’s terrible sex. That is really bad sex. This is really boring sex. And this is supposedly daring, innovative erotica? HAH.

We ended in a sweating, bloody pile on the floor.

Is no one stopping Anita’s open neck wound? She must have a literal hole in her neck.

I turned my head and found that Richard was still there, but it wasn’t fear on his face now, but a sort of wonderment.

…. I really think that Anita can’t read human facial expressions, at all.

I was naked in the middle of sex with one man, maybe two, depending on how you counted things, yet, suddenly I had the moral high ground. Weird.

I wish to purify this earth with fire.

Poor Clair. She almost got eaten by a crazed vampire and now has to watch this… thing happen.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter sixteen


I went to the stairs, expecting to see them struggling on the steps, but the stairs stretched empty. I ran down the stairs toward the sound of fighting. Richard has taken the fight out into the living room, so he had room to use his long arms and legs.

These books blow my mind sometimes with the sheer incompetence of imagery and word composition.

Here’s a rewritten version, by yours truly;

I flung myself down the stairs, following the sound of the fight. The scuffle had moved into the loving room, the hallway not giving them enough space to really do some damage to each other.

More movement, more meaning, and less repetition.

Anita comes in to see Richard deliver a perfect roundhouse kick to Damian’s face. Because obviously Richard can do that.

Back foot set, front foot, set but loose, body partially turned to give that pivoting strength, the way when you land a fist you turn the fist into the skin for that extra bit of harm.

LKH, I don’t think you’ve ever punched anyone, have you? That is the weirdest way to describe punching someone in the face. There’s also another woman watching Richard beat the shit out of Damian, but as it’s a woman, Anita couldn’t give a fuck.

Well, here’s her excuse.

I was standing too close to the fighting to sightsee.

And yet she gives a blow by blow account of a roundhouse kick? Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

If Damian had just been a big bad vamp in my house, I’d have gotten my gun and finished him, but he wasn’t a villain.

No, he just enjoys murdering people and goes into manic rages because of his mind link with Anita.

Somehow it was all my fault.

It generally is.

Damian roars and runs forward while Anita whitters and refuses to use her NECROMANCY POWERS WHICH COULD STOP ALL THIS and Richard kicks him in the chest.

If he’d been human it would have dropped him, but he wasn’t human, and it didn’t.

Thanks for that Anita. For a moment, I forget that they were a vampire and a werewolf fighting, despite you reminding me in the last paragraph.

Damian then gets very, uh, ‘wily’ and launches himself at Anita. For reasons, I suppose.

A tome nage throw is the only throw in judo where you commit your whole body to it. Most throws have variations you can do at the last minute if they don’t work, but the tome nage either works or it doesn’t. You fail, and your opponent is on top of you in a perfect position to pin you. But I hadn’t chosen the throw, it had been the only move Damian’s attack left me. I had seconds to do it right or have him eat my face. So when I kicked up with my feet, I gave it all I had. I’d forgotten that all I had was more than it used to be.

Doesn’t all of this make you think ‘wow, what a desperate and frantic life-or-death struggle is taking place! Gosh, this is just so gripping and tense and I’m so worried that Anita might get hurt!’

If you’ve got a frantic, fast, and dangerous fight, then DON’T DESTROY THE SCENE BY GOING ON FOR HALF A FUCKING PAGE ABOUT A JUDO MOVE. It slows everything down. I don’t care how much research you’ve managed to actually do, because going into the dry specifics of a judo move slows everything down and I don’t care. I don’t care about the precision of doing a tome nage when this is supposedly a desperate fight where a woman is trying to stop a vampire from ripping off her face with his bared teeth.

Damian flew through the air again, but it wasn’t his supernatural powers this time.

Yeah, even though you didn’t actually show, depict, or write him as actually flying in the last chapter. You said it happened, and we saw zero evidence for it. Someone says ‘wow’, and then Anita realises that she kicked Damian into the random woman. So I guess she’s losing her face instead. ‘Clair’ starts to scream and run, and Damian is like ‘NOM NOM FACES’ and starts to chase her. Richard goes after him, and then something weird happens?

All Richard has time for was to rush Damian, to crash into him, and take them both to the floor.

He had the vampire down but not pinned. Richard screamed. His shoulders blocked my view, and I had to move around to their heads to see Damian’s mouth buried into Richard’s upper chest.

Ok, let’s try to make sense of this – with badly drawn pictures!

So, this is what’s happening:

rdc1

Richard, Damian, and Clair are all running towards this door, in this order.

Now, this is what should have happened:

rdc3

After all, both Richard and Damian have super speed, and they are explicitly stated to be using it to catch up with Clair. Clair is not mentioned as using super speed, even though given that Richard knows her she is probably part of the supernatural community. Damian, logically, should have caught up with her, and she should be part of this. But she isn’t.

Instead, Damian ends up buried face first in Richard’s chest, like this;

rdc4

(The letters show where their faces are).

However, it’s mentioned as being ‘a crash’, taking them ‘both to the floor’. So, how exactly did Damian flip round?

He should have landed like this;

rdc2

With both of them facing downwards, towards the floor. And Damian having a gigantic spoon head.

Richard makes a ‘preternatural rookie mistake’. ‘Vampire bites are like snake bites; if the snake has a good grip, you don’t just yank it off’. Anita then goes off on a ridiculous tangent about venomous snakes, as if that’s relevant, and then this single bite TO THE UPPER CHEST somehow rips off Richard’s entire shirt and a big lump of flesh.

Are we ignoring the fact that a snake’s teeth are completely different from mammalian teeth? And that snake fangs break off all the time and aren’t really that strong? So, I guess if a snake bites you, it’s awful, but you could just pull it off and the damage would be a lot less than, say, a huge dog biting you and refusing to let go. I mean, snakes don’t just their fangs to grip onto meat to chew, rip, or tear – that’s what mammals do.

But what do I know? I’m not a biologist.

Anita and Richard are holding Damian down, and Richard’s got an injured arm, oh no, and Anita lifts Damian off and gets a choke hold around him, and oh teee heee heee she’s naked, did you realise that? She’s been naked this whole entire time!

FOR GOD’S SAKE WOMAN PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS

She then worries about the fact she’s touching her breasts against Richard, instead of controlling the vampire who is trying to make a very serious effort to eat her face. She then waffles on about ‘the electric reaction’ of touching Damian and I still don’t understand why she can’t frigging use her NECROMANCY POWERS. You know, those powers that give her CONTROL OF THE UNDEAD.

JC then wakes up and immediately sends Anita a mind message that blames her for all of this.

I had no word for what Damian had become. In a different country it would have been demon, possessed, damned.

Those are all English language words, so why can’t you use them? And apparently England is some vast superstitious backwater. Thanks Anita! I’m always so glad to be treated with your geography lessons!

Anyway, Anita has to incapacitate Damian somehow. Hmmm, this is all sounding very familiar… this is like that other time Damian freaked out. And Anita used NECROMANCY POWERS TO CONTROL HIM. Why can’t you just order him, Anita? You’re his master, he’s your servant, that’s how the magic works.

I knew if you decapitated most vamps, they died. I’d never had the strength before to snap a neck this easily, so I’d never tried. If I snapped his spine would he die? Would he be crippled? Would spinal damage cripple a vampire?

Well, you’re not going to decapitate him by breaking his spinal cord. So, no, he won’t die. And he’ll heal magically. So, no, he won’t suffer any paralysis.

And then Anita looks through some door – god I have no idea what the floor plan for this place it it seems to be all made of doors – and Nathaniel is looking at Gregory’s (apparent) corpse at the bottom of the stairs. Nathaniel, who is covered in blood as if he was freakin’ Alice Morgan, and then comes over to hold Damian’s arm down.

Anita why aren’t you using those fucking magical powers of yours why is this so awful

Anyway, JC insults Anita for two pages until she figures out that she’s ‘shielded’ against Damian and this is making him into a murderous psychopath. No, it’s because he IS a murderous psychopath, love.

There’s a page or so of waffle about Anita’s awful metaphysical magic bollocks and I don’t care. This has been a big ole cul-de-sac into nowheresville. Anita has a revelation that Damian is a revenant – no he’s not, a revenant is an animated corpse, a totally different thing entirely – so JC has to talk Anita through HOW TO BIND THE DEAD USING MAGIC, A THING SHE DOES EVERYDAY FOR HER FUCKING JOB.

It’s her job, and she has to rely on a man to support her through an action she literally does every day.

Anita Blake is the exact opposite to female empowerment.

Now there’s a lot of blood everywhere and everyone’s covered in it.

when is this pointlessness going to stop just kill him already

oh no wait this is going to CONTINUE FOR ANOTHER CHAPTER. Arghhhhhh just stop this no one gives a fuck about Damian just kill him

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter fifteen


Anita opens up the chapter by running around the top corridor of her home, trying to chase Damian down.

How the fuck does she manage to write with absolutely no awareness of what she’s producing?

They are upset that Damian may have gone a little out of his mind.

The last time Damian had gone mad, he’d killed several people, butchered them, not just fed.

And the Grand High and Mighty Vampire Executioner Anita Blake didn’t kill him… why?

Give me a fucking reason why she can’t do her fucking job and kill Damian for being a fucking murderer and a menace to the public – other than he’s apparently attractive. Seriously, why the fuck is she keeping Damian around? What does he add to anything? Why is he even here? What is the point of Damian? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BULLSHIT LITTERING THESE BOOKS?

If it had been my fault before, somehow it was my fault again.

Newsflash Anita: EVERYTHING THAT EVER GOES WRONG IN THESE BOOKS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT ANITA.

I went for the room that Damian had gone into, but I never made it, because he came tearing out of it and nearly ran me down.

Why is it that LKH can’t even get a simple sentence sounding right? EVERY WORD IS NOTHING BUT PAIN.

Anita decides to hook her legs around Damian and he responds by slamming her into walls and trying to rip her throat out. She uses her… super speed to keep his head away from her.

He pushed the strength of his madness against the push of my hands –

what the fuck does that even mean

– and he began to press my arm inward.

Gosh it’s almost like speed doesn’t beat super strength.

I don’t know if he’d been sane whether my new metaphysics would have helped more, but he wasn’t sane, and crazy anything is stronger than sane.

….

…….

………. what the holy hell. what the holy hell

Can you please stop this fucking nonsense about mental illness, LKH. Honestly. It’s not cute or funny, it’s just fucking insulting.

If he’d been a bad guy, I’d have torn into him and done my best to take him out before he took me out, but Damian wasn’t a bad guy, and whatever was wrong was somehow my fault.

He literally went on a murderous rampage before and you’re still claiming he’s not a bad guy?

Damian was like a human on angel dust, stronger even than he’d been, because there was no one home to help him regulate his force.

Jesus fucking Christ do you actually know anything about drugs or did you just read a Chick Tract on them once

Ok, PCP does not make people stronger. It’s a dissociative drug. It makes your brain feel detached from your body – so, people will appear stronger, sure. Because their minds can’t perceive what their bodies are doing, and therefore can’t tell what’s too heavy or what’s too hot or whatever. But people aren’t actually stronger because that is not how drugs work.

Seriously LKH do some fucking research it won’t kill you

Nathaniel and Gregory are here to wrestle Damian into submission instead of Anita being forced to actually, you know, use her necromancy abilities for once. Damian, being that he’s on a rampage, attacks Gregory. Somehow, despite Nathaniel still hold him and Anita still clinging to his middle and being face to face with Damian, Damian pins Gregory to the floor and starts chewing his arm.

I was almost to them, when Damian remembered he could fly.

since fucking when could damian fly

you realise that you’re supposed to edit the first draft of the manuscript you farted out before you give it to your agent

Anyway, Damian was a viking warrior and Gregory and Nathaniel are sent flying – which, despite what the book says, he doesn’t appear to be doing. He then whirls around for Anita, who’s been standing and watching i don’t know how what is happening why is nothing making sense and she’s like, clearly I can take a trained viking warrior because i did a class of judo once

She throws Damian across the hall with her super powered strength that she’s never really used before.

But a figure rose above him, coming up the stairs. It was Richard Zeeman, local Ulfric, Wolf-King, ex-fiance, and in the wrong place at the worst time. I had a few seconds to see that his hair had grown out just enough to give some curl to his woefully short locks, that the white T-shirt made his fading tan summer-dark with contrast, that he was still one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen. Then the vampire turned, noticed him, and launched himself at Richard. He balanced them both for a second, then the other man’s weight took them both, and Richard fell backward down the stairs, with the vampire riding him. They vanished from sight, and over the sound of their bodies falling down the stairs, I heard a woman start to scream.

Hopefully, Richard and Damian fell onto a pair of upturning pitchforks and are now slowly bleeding to death on the tile floor.

Seriously Richard will not make this book any better. STOP HAVING SO MANY CHARACTERS THAT MEAN NOTHING AND DO NOTHING AND ARE POINTLESS.