A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty


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Just when you think Anita Blake has lost all power it has over you…

OK, I am coming back to sporking. I am back, dudes, dudettes, and dudexs. I’m hoping to be back to sporking on a part time basis – I really can’t do the every day schedule anymore! I am not a young sporker out the gates anymore. I’m going back to university in September to train as a teacher (!!!) and I’m in a relationship – so I can’t spend hours every day screaming at Anita.

I’m not going to reveal personal information about my boyfriend, but his name is so ironic. As in, he is my boyfriend. Have I told you about my boyfriend? As I was saying, my boyfriend, who is my boyfriend.

That should be enough clues. Gods, these books are entrenched in my life.

Right, everyone is nude and nothing is happening. That should sum up everything that happened so far. Look, there’s not really that much to catch up on. We’re 150 pages in and nothing memorable has happened.

JC is calling for Anita but she’s full of fear. Anita is slumped with Nathaniel and Damian ‘their hair mingling like bright and dark ribbons’. Gregory is kneeling in front of them all, all half-leopard up in their business.

Even under spotted fur and yellow kitty-cat eyes, the hunger showed through. Not lust, hunger.

You know, I generally can’t read the expressions on a cat’s face that well. They just sort of look like cats all the time? Plus, if you say hunger, I think hunger. If you say lust, I’d think lust. Words mean things.

Richard is also there and his unhappiness/anger/bullshitedness and this pulls everyone out of Damian’s Terrible Worst Memory Ever. Through the power of plot convenience! JC then starts talking again, letting Anita know that Moroven (you know, Damian’s personal Voldemort) can be defeated through the ardeur’s ‘clean lust, free of pain and terror’.

I don’t understand how a moist vag defeats evil but I’m not a vampire hunter. Guess I don’t have the right qualifications.

Richard is very angry because… he’s Richard, and Anita is hesitant to feed on him. After all, Richard doesn’t ever want to be fed on and there’s been that whole issue in the past about how she did it without his consent because Anita is a horrible person. It’s a moment where Anita has a single concern for another living creature – well, until Richard, gritting his teeth, is all YES I HAVE SAID IT’S OKAY.

Well, I guess forced/coerced consent is a kind of consent. Ish.

‘I cannot hold Moroven’s fear off forever, ma petite, you must act before my strength fails us all.’

Oh no they’d be… hurt or dead. I wouldn’t want that, I’m so emotionally invested in all of these richly developed and nuanced characters.

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‘Easy for you to say, it’s not your lily-white ass on the line.’

‘I am loosing against Moroven. I can feel her nightmare coming closer, and when it comes close enough, I will flee and save myself, in hopes that when darkness falls there will be something left to rescue.’

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Anyway, Anita has to have all the sex with Richard because…. um… it’d be super bad you guise you have no idea.

My heart was in my throat like I’d swallowed a fish.

LKH, I’ve missed your terrible primary school metaphors.

Gregory doesn’t help things by sniffing and saying how yummy everything is. Anita is surprised that Gregory, who is in a half-leopard form, has leopard teeth. He licks her face and Anita makes noises from fear.

Gregory growled next to my skin. “Hmm, do it again.”

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Gregory will only listen to Richard saying that this is bad and creepy and he should stop and then he laughs. Like a serial killer. He wants to ‘play’ and ‘torment’ her. Ah, rape imagery. I haven’t missed that.

Gregory only stops for reals when Micah (BOOOO) comes in with Clair, Richard’s girlfriend.

You didn’t usually hang on to someone like that unless they were your boyfriend. I realized there was an emotion I could feel through the fear – jealousy. What the hell was she doing hanging on to Micah?

  • She walked into a house and was greeted to a gross, bloody orgy.
  • A gross, bloody vampire lept at her and tried to eat her.
  • Said vampire bit a huge chunk of flesh from her boyfriend’s chest.
  • There is loads of fear floating around the place. Just hanging around.

So, yeah, Clair is scared. But, nope, EVIL SLOOOOOT.

Gregory senses that she’s weak and tries to apply his serial killer charms to Clair but Richard makes sure that Micah takes her out the room. This was pointless.

Richard and Gregory are afraid, blah blah, if Richard changes his clothes will be ruined, blah blah, where is the hot werewolf on werewolf orgy action I was promised, fear is floating around, blah blah.

It’s very riveting stuff, you can tell.

Gregory’s only answer was a low growl that made Nathaniel whimper again.

“God help me, she’s afraid to see me nude, and I fucking love it. I love that she’s afraid of me, and I hate myself for loving it. The ardeur will rise, but God alone knows what we’ll do before it does. With this much fear, with her, I don’t trust my control. And whatever happens I want clothes when it’s over, because I’m going to want to get the hell out of here.”

Okay, this is actually Richard speaking. Not that you can tell, because he’s not mentioned and Gregory’s actions are tagged alongside this little speech. Which is a totes realistic thing for someone to say. Richard then drops his pants.

He undid his belt with one hand and squeezed the top button of his pants. The button popped open and, still gripping the top of his pants, he made a rolling motion with his hand and the buttons snapped open in a long rolling line. The front of his pants spilled open, and he spilled out. Either he wasn’t wearing any underwear or it couldn’t keep him contained

Thanks for that laundry list of actions describing a man unbuttoning his trousers. Because I had no idea how one unbuttoned trousers, it being an action that I am entirely unfamiliar with. Plus, A+ word repetition. And I doubt that Richard’s penis is strong enough to burst through his boxers.

Anyway, Anita is turned on and afraid and angry and shit.

I put my hands over my eyes like a child.

Ah, there’s the strong, sexually liberated adult woman we all know and love. Because there’s nothing that gets me wetter than a sex scene where a woman calls herself a child.

There’s a page where Anita feels like she’s going to scream and Richard is actually a nice person – getting her to calm down, and being there for her, in the moment, and not being an asshole.

I started to nod, then Damian grabbed my leg, and the fear roared back, and the scream ripped out of my throat. It wasn’t just Moroven’s power, it was Damian’s fear of that power, and the fact that I couldn’t shield against it.

FEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR and more vague metaphysical magic that never really comes across as a threat because that requires like, suspense and shit.

It’s nice to be back.

A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Club Dead’ chapter twelve


The immediate blame for this current predicament is laid at Debbie’s door.  Poor Debbie.  She’s gone through a tough break-up and now everyone seems to think she’s a crazy bitch.  It’s not exactly like Sookie was entirely innocent in her actions.  Poor Debbie.  Stop being so judgemental Sookie.

Now, the first concern is that there’s no air inside a boot.  Well, I should imagine there is some otherwise she’d be dead be now, and there’s probably enough for an hour or two if you consider that a coffin has about four hours of air or so and that’s an odd thing to know.

Bill would be hungry.  Really, really. Crazy hungry.

And here I was – fast food.

Would he know who I was?  Would he realise it was me, in time to stop?

Oh shit.  Hadn’t even thought of that.  She wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop it at all.  The latch release has been disabled.  That’s definitely rather fishy.  Could Eric have done this?  I’m not sure.  It doesn’t help him in his ultimate mission i.e. sleeping with Sookie. OHJESSUSSWEETJESUS BILL IS AWAKE AND MOVING ARGHHHHHHH HE’S ATTACKING SOOKIE AND IT’S ALL AWFUL.

this is horrible and. it. gets. worse.

Now another need was on him, one closely related to feeding.  His hands pulled down my sweatpants, and after a lot of fumbling and rearranging and contorting, he entered me with no preparation at all.  I screamed, and he clapped a hand over my mouth.

There.  Right there.  All my sympathies for Bill, any sympathy I could ever have, has completely gone.  It’s nasty and the worst part?  He’s so blasé about it.  He snaps out his weird trance and goes back to being creepy-caring Bill as if Sookie is supposed to completely forgive him.  That’s disgusting.  She passes out and wakes up in Alcide’s apartment building with Eric and Alcide next to her.

Bill’s cool fingers laced with mine.

Why are you still here Bill?

They talk about the crucifixion which may be for Bubba and about how Sookie killed Lorena.  Debbie is brought up.  No one talks about how Sookie was raped and the fact that the rapist is with them.  There is a humorous interlude whereby they phone up Russell’s mansion and convince them that they have the real Elvis.  They want to keep him to listen to him sing.  This is all really out of place in a chapter which involves rape.  Debbie comes round to Alcide’s apartment.  There’s a bit where they all have to run into the bedroom and OMG HILARIOUS are we ignoring the rape?

To tell the truth, it felt great to be held by him, no matter how angry I had been at him, no matter how many issues we had to settle.

What issues are there to settle?  He raped you.  The only thing to settle is when YOU’RE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE.

Alcide and Debbie have a fight where he tells her that Sookie is great in bed.  Bill and Sookie have a ‘you never loved me fight’ and I give up caring.  I honestly do.  I can’t get over the fact that the rape is not addressed in this chapter and it’s bullshit about problems in Bill and Sookie’s relationship.  You want to know the problem?  Bill’s an asshole and Sookie’s a big blonde doormat.

Next chapter, moving on as quick as possible to the next book please.