A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty three


This is a twenty page chapter so buckle up folks. I’m guessing this chapter will not be a return to the A plot, but a continued ramble of bullshit

Nathaniel’s attempt to make me laugh accomplished one thing; it made me feel better, though I have to admit the smell of freshly ground coffee helped lure me through the door. I couldn’t let one ex-fiance stand between me and my coffee, could I? Not and keep my self-respect, so in we went.

What the shit is going on. What time is this taking place. When. What. How.

Richard was sitting at the kitchen table on the side nearest the door. Dr Lillian was standing over the finishing the bandaging of his entire right shoulder and arm.

He was so injured that it barely stopped him from having sex and long conversations. Anyway, Anita is surprised that a medical professional acts like a medical professional. There’s a body guard lurking around because Marcus died (Marcus was a doctor? I don’t know who he is? What the fuck?) and he’s like dripping in knives. Even though he’s a were-animal and has like mad strength.

Anita freaks because she’s clearly going to die, as even though Fredo ‘was on our side, but he was definitely a bad guy’. Who the fuck is Fredo? The bodyguard? Have we met him before, at all? You can’t drop a character name and just expect us to know them because Anita does. NEWSFLASH: I am not Anita, and I’m glad for it. Character knowledge does not equal reader knowledge. Anita panics as her claustrophobia starts to kick in. I want to know how all these people got in the house without Anita’s knowledge. Damian starts to touch her but Anita starts to Hulk up as ‘I need to be angry right now, Damian, it’s all I’ve got’.

I have no idea what’s happening. Anita’s angry about something, but she’s always angry.

tumblr_inline_mr4uxvyi1d1qz4rgp

Me too, Bruce, me too.

Dr Lillian demands that everyone give Anita space and some air as her claustrophobia is just sooooooooooo bad you guise, yeah this claustrophobia that she never had until a couple of books ago.

Anita heads out on the deck and flails about seeing colours and panicking and just generally being useless. You see, the tri force is now a five force, as she tied herself to Damian and Nathaniel. Yes, she is now permanently linked to those two wastes of ink.

Dr Lillian orgasms over how amazing Anita is.

“I know you are a constant amazement to the wererats. We never know what you’re going to do next.”

Whine, have sex, flail around, get injured, say disgusting things. That’s about it. Anita heads back inside and Fredo goes all ‘grrrr’.

The white roses that Jean-Claude sent every week framed Fredo’s darkness.

Oh, yeah, he’s a wererat, so he’s Latino. Just to point out how he’s all ‘dark’ and shit, and he’s all super dark against the whitey white roses. Just to prove that LKH puts no thought into her words whatsoever. Anita skulks around the kitchen, wary of the scary brown man.

The days when I would have picked a fight just to reassure myself I was still tough were long ago and far away.

giphy

Being a girl, that phase had been shorter anyway. We are much more practical creatures than men, as a general rule.

Of course, men are just big helpless babies that have to be looked after by women. Because that’s a woman’s job. This sort of shit isn’t feminist fam.

Damien, who hasn’t been the centre of attention for five minutes, has decided to wedge himself between the cabinets.Basically, Damian couldn’t cope that Anita was out the room for two seconds. Ah, codependency. Romantic.

Anita touches him and then suddenly POW. DAMIAN IS SO BEAUTIFUL THEY MUST AVERT THEIR EYES. HE HAS MAGIC VAMPIRE HEALING POWERS THAT LIKE EVER VAMPIRE HAS BUT IT’S SUDDENLY A BIG DEAL BECAUSE BEAUTY.

Micah confirms that Damian is blindingly beautiful and that all of Damian’s flaws have now been fixed, like he’s had amazing beautifying plastic surgery.

I see. People’s flaws are horrible and disgusting. They must be gotten rid of. Because they cannot be loved while they have flaws.

LKH, you’ve got to pay attention to what you write. Because it’s awful and offensive and terribly written.

There’s a page of everyone confirming that Damian is indeed beautiful and then Richard telling Anita how she did it because the Belle vampire line have the powers to make people beautiful.

Wow. That’s such an important and necessary vampire power.

There’s two pages of people wondering how this happened and who did it. THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. I DO NOT CARE WHY DAMIAN IS SUDDENLY SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT NECESSARY. CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

Anita calls JC and he says that BM vamps get prettier sometimes. Anita tells him what happened and because JC has the brain cells of a dead paramecium he thinks this is interesting. Damian and JC talk in German which, ha, jokes on them, as Anita sort of speaks German.

Grandma Blake had spoken German to me from the cradle up. I’d taken it in high school as my language, because I was lazy and wanted a leg up.

And you didn’t take Spanish? When there’s a large Spanish community in your area? And your mother’s family is Mexican, so presumably you speak some Spanish anyway? Gee, Anita, you’re kinda stupid. You already speak German, you don’t speak to Germans on a regular basis, you’re not in an area where German is needed, and you weren’t planing on taking an exchange class to Germany or Austria. Taking German was a fucking waste, because after all that, Anita can’t understand that they’re saying.

JC plies praise on Anita as she’s got some amazing vampire powers that no one else has. Of course she does. She has amazing power that no one else has ever had as she’s the most special little snowflake that has ever existed. JC then gives her shit because she doesn’t love him enough to let him walk around in daylight. It also maybe makes her immortal or something.

or something

JC is angry that Anita had sex, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Anita has to raise the dead sometime soon or her magic will just start fucking shit up.

JC then makes creepy statements about how he’ll now conduct all his business in Italian so Anita can’t do a thing about him and what he does.

I should have lied about speaking Italian, but hell, as good as I’d gotten at lying, my first reaction was still to tell the truth. I guess you can’t undo all your upbringing, no matter how hard you try.

Yeah, right, you’re not a liar. And I guess your parents brought you up to be a horrible human being with no empathy for any other living creature.

Advertisements

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty


noe anita

Just when you think Anita Blake has lost all power it has over you…

OK, I am coming back to sporking. I am back, dudes, dudettes, and dudexs. I’m hoping to be back to sporking on a part time basis – I really can’t do the every day schedule anymore! I am not a young sporker out the gates anymore. I’m going back to university in September to train as a teacher (!!!) and I’m in a relationship – so I can’t spend hours every day screaming at Anita.

I’m not going to reveal personal information about my boyfriend, but his name is so ironic. As in, he is my boyfriend. Have I told you about my boyfriend? As I was saying, my boyfriend, who is my boyfriend.

That should be enough clues. Gods, these books are entrenched in my life.

Right, everyone is nude and nothing is happening. That should sum up everything that happened so far. Look, there’s not really that much to catch up on. We’re 150 pages in and nothing memorable has happened.

JC is calling for Anita but she’s full of fear. Anita is slumped with Nathaniel and Damian ‘their hair mingling like bright and dark ribbons’. Gregory is kneeling in front of them all, all half-leopard up in their business.

Even under spotted fur and yellow kitty-cat eyes, the hunger showed through. Not lust, hunger.

You know, I generally can’t read the expressions on a cat’s face that well. They just sort of look like cats all the time? Plus, if you say hunger, I think hunger. If you say lust, I’d think lust. Words mean things.

Richard is also there and his unhappiness/anger/bullshitedness and this pulls everyone out of Damian’s Terrible Worst Memory Ever. Through the power of plot convenience! JC then starts talking again, letting Anita know that Moroven (you know, Damian’s personal Voldemort) can be defeated through the ardeur’s ‘clean lust, free of pain and terror’.

I don’t understand how a moist vag defeats evil but I’m not a vampire hunter. Guess I don’t have the right qualifications.

Richard is very angry because… he’s Richard, and Anita is hesitant to feed on him. After all, Richard doesn’t ever want to be fed on and there’s been that whole issue in the past about how she did it without his consent because Anita is a horrible person. It’s a moment where Anita has a single concern for another living creature – well, until Richard, gritting his teeth, is all YES I HAVE SAID IT’S OKAY.

Well, I guess forced/coerced consent is a kind of consent. Ish.

‘I cannot hold Moroven’s fear off forever, ma petite, you must act before my strength fails us all.’

Oh no they’d be… hurt or dead. I wouldn’t want that, I’m so emotionally invested in all of these richly developed and nuanced characters.

834

‘Easy for you to say, it’s not your lily-white ass on the line.’

‘I am loosing against Moroven. I can feel her nightmare coming closer, and when it comes close enough, I will flee and save myself, in hopes that when darkness falls there will be something left to rescue.’

brave-sir-robin-holy-grail-day-demotivational-poster-1257624369

Anyway, Anita has to have all the sex with Richard because…. um… it’d be super bad you guise you have no idea.

My heart was in my throat like I’d swallowed a fish.

LKH, I’ve missed your terrible primary school metaphors.

Gregory doesn’t help things by sniffing and saying how yummy everything is. Anita is surprised that Gregory, who is in a half-leopard form, has leopard teeth. He licks her face and Anita makes noises from fear.

Gregory growled next to my skin. “Hmm, do it again.”

4vvo8

Gregory will only listen to Richard saying that this is bad and creepy and he should stop and then he laughs. Like a serial killer. He wants to ‘play’ and ‘torment’ her. Ah, rape imagery. I haven’t missed that.

Gregory only stops for reals when Micah (BOOOO) comes in with Clair, Richard’s girlfriend.

You didn’t usually hang on to someone like that unless they were your boyfriend. I realized there was an emotion I could feel through the fear – jealousy. What the hell was she doing hanging on to Micah?

  • She walked into a house and was greeted to a gross, bloody orgy.
  • A gross, bloody vampire lept at her and tried to eat her.
  • Said vampire bit a huge chunk of flesh from her boyfriend’s chest.
  • There is loads of fear floating around the place. Just hanging around.

So, yeah, Clair is scared. But, nope, EVIL SLOOOOOT.

Gregory senses that she’s weak and tries to apply his serial killer charms to Clair but Richard makes sure that Micah takes her out the room. This was pointless.

Richard and Gregory are afraid, blah blah, if Richard changes his clothes will be ruined, blah blah, where is the hot werewolf on werewolf orgy action I was promised, fear is floating around, blah blah.

It’s very riveting stuff, you can tell.

Gregory’s only answer was a low growl that made Nathaniel whimper again.

“God help me, she’s afraid to see me nude, and I fucking love it. I love that she’s afraid of me, and I hate myself for loving it. The ardeur will rise, but God alone knows what we’ll do before it does. With this much fear, with her, I don’t trust my control. And whatever happens I want clothes when it’s over, because I’m going to want to get the hell out of here.”

Okay, this is actually Richard speaking. Not that you can tell, because he’s not mentioned and Gregory’s actions are tagged alongside this little speech. Which is a totes realistic thing for someone to say. Richard then drops his pants.

He undid his belt with one hand and squeezed the top button of his pants. The button popped open and, still gripping the top of his pants, he made a rolling motion with his hand and the buttons snapped open in a long rolling line. The front of his pants spilled open, and he spilled out. Either he wasn’t wearing any underwear or it couldn’t keep him contained

Thanks for that laundry list of actions describing a man unbuttoning his trousers. Because I had no idea how one unbuttoned trousers, it being an action that I am entirely unfamiliar with. Plus, A+ word repetition. And I doubt that Richard’s penis is strong enough to burst through his boxers.

Anyway, Anita is turned on and afraid and angry and shit.

I put my hands over my eyes like a child.

Ah, there’s the strong, sexually liberated adult woman we all know and love. Because there’s nothing that gets me wetter than a sex scene where a woman calls herself a child.

There’s a page where Anita feels like she’s going to scream and Richard is actually a nice person – getting her to calm down, and being there for her, in the moment, and not being an asshole.

I started to nod, then Damian grabbed my leg, and the fear roared back, and the scream ripped out of my throat. It wasn’t just Moroven’s power, it was Damian’s fear of that power, and the fact that I couldn’t shield against it.

FEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR and more vague metaphysical magic that never really comes across as a threat because that requires like, suspense and shit.

It’s nice to be back.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twelve


Yos I am back after spending time poking tortoises and hamsters and watching lots of Xena

Xena, who I think LKH was aiming for with Anita. I know that Xena was started after Anita was first published, but think about it – strong independent woman kicking ass, all that? Only that Xena is a well-written character, made by people who knew what the fuck they were doing.

TBH I think one of the biggest influences, no matter what LKH says, was the 1970s Wonder Woman TV show.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I’ve been travelling a lot.

I didn’t remember crossing the room, but I must have, because I was standing in front of him.

THIS IS FIRST PERSON NARRATION. ANITA SHOULD KNOW THAT SHE’S CROSSING THE ROOM BECAUSE WE’RE IN HER FUCKING HEAD.

Anita’s in front of Nathaniel and is ‘close enough to taste his pulse on my tongue like candy’. She’s thinking about cock gobbling again, right? They’re making out and she’s like ‘oh yeah I can feed the ardeur’.

This has only been going on for like three books now. Why is Anita still confused about this? Anita and Nathaniel are snogging away and then Anita’s mind is full of hunting deer.

I came back to the kitchen, on my knees, screaming.

Why can’t Anita have sex without there being some ongoing drama or trauma forcing her into it? For a series lauded for being so erotic and so good for women for openly talking about sex, sex is treated as something incredibly negative. Richard’s hunting and he’s ‘feeding’ so Anita’s head is full of that, and then she reaches out to JC, and he’s feeding on Jason. I have no idea why she’s suddenly reacting to this, considering that the triforce has been in place since, what, book six?

Why do I never have a fucking clue what’s going on in these books when the metaphorical magic starts?

Anita then falls unconscious. Again. Everybody drink!

Anita’s head’s been in Nathaniel’s lap so she starts giving him a blow job. Well, no, nothing that would make you think Anita’s a ‘bad girl’. She just licks the pulse in his thigh. You know, that common erotic thing to do. Oh, no, I think she’s know sucking him off? Maybe??

I pressed my mouth over that quivering heat, kissed the blood just under his skin. Licked the jumping thud of his pulse, just a quick flick of my tongue. It tasted like his skin, sweet and clean, but it also tasted of blood, sweet copper pennies on my tongue.

See, I think that must be talking about Nathaniel’s dick but it seems that Nathaniel’s dick is magic. Just like that his skin has a magical natural smell of vanilla, his dick manages to not be anything at all like any other penis on the planet.

Anita then struggles to not cock gobble. Again. Seriously, why the fuck is she always ready to bite off Nathaniel’s dick?

You’re not Ma-Ma, Anita.

JC then appears in Anita’s head like Obi-Wan, telling her to ‘feed the force ardeur’ before she eats Nathaniel’s penis.

I fought not to bite down, because some part of me knew that if I once tasted blood I would feed. I would feed, and Nathaniel might not survive it.

Why is this a recurring plot point???

Damian then appears to stop the penis feeding frenzy. Nathaniel just thought it was all so amazing and Damian offers himself as food. If JC has told her to feed, then she must, otherwise she’ll devolve into some sort of bloodlust frenzy.

“Why is it different tonight?” It was a child asking someone to explain why the monster under the bed has grown a new and scarier head.

  • Anita, you’ve been dealing with this for three books. You were TOLD and you KNOW that if you don’t feed the ardeur, it goes all fucking violent and shit. Hence the epithet ‘Anita Blake: Cock Gobbler’.
  • It really fucking creeps me out that Anita is consistently described as being like a child and that LKH repeatedly links and evokes images of children when sex is involved.
  • Because the plot says so, Anita.

Damian then just starts licking her because FUCK CONSENT he’s so lonely and empty inside that only plunging his cock inside Anita will cure him of being unhappy.

Yes, because sex is clearly the most important thing in the universe ever.

Sex is fine and all, it’s just not the best thing evurrrrrrrrr. Cake is much more satisfactory. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what Anita wants because Damian’s decided that he’s going to fuck her. She tries to pull away and say she doesn’t want to, but eh, fuck that, a man has decided that he needs sex and it’s Anita’s duty to just submit to what he wants.

His eyes filled with emerald fire, and just like that there was a line of desire carved from my mouth down his fingers, his hand, his arm, his chest, his hips, to the center of his body. I could feel him thick and rich and full of blood.

Is Damian’s dick around his stomach? Because… your pelvis isn’t the centre of your body. WORDS MEAN THINGS. Damian is enjoying this… light petting, and then Nathaniel squishes up against her back, and now all of the ardeur is just pain. Unbearable pain flowing through Anita. Anita starts screaming and Nathaniel and Damian do not stop.

This is a scary idea of what consensual sex is like.

Anita’s head is full of a boring and confusing mess of metaphysical magic. Then she flashes back to the death of her mother. Then her head is full of Nathaniel’s brother being beaten? And that totes evil bitch that changed Damian.

This is all so sexy you guise i can’t believe how hawt it is i might have to take my vest off

Damian and Nathaniel start weeping and bawling about Anita making them remember things, which makes me go WELL YOU SHOULDN’T BE DISGUSTING SEX CRIMINALS THEN, HUH? MAYBE HER MIND PULLED OUT THOSE IMAGES BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING STOP TOUCHING HER WHEN SHE HADN’T CONSENTED TO IT, HUH?

I am not fond of the men in these books. I don’t know whether you’d picked that up or not, my disdain has been rather subtle.

Anywho, this all means that somehow Nathaniel, Damian, and Anita are now a triforce. It happened because… I have no idea. I’m not sure how this happened without conscious effort and how Anita didn’t realise it, considering that it’s happened to her before?

Anita has to think about happy memories for reasons but as her life is an UNENDING PARADE OF UNCOMPARABLE ANGST she just can’t do it. But she starts to think about Nathaniel, how he’s her ‘living comfort object’ and that makes it all okay.

god i hate anita/nathaniel it’s so fucked up on both sides

Anita starts to snog Damian and then she’s like YAY ARDEUR for some reason. Why couldn’t she just feed it from JC’s sexual satisfaction? Why is the ardeur even here? Why did the editors and publishers think this was a good idea?

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter fifty one


JC and Anita kneel next to Asher and start touching him. This makes him a lot better through *~magic*~.

who cares at this point

In a dim part of my brain I realized that Asher hadn’t been using vampire powers on me. That whatever I’d felt before this had been real. Because this was unreal. I’d never felt for anyone like this, because it wasn’t love, or even lust, it was obsession. It was the sure knowledge that if I did not touch him I would die.

Name one thing you two have in common other than enjoying raping people.

Anita just lies on top of Asher and it’s all so ‘erotic and beautiful’. Yeah, lying on top of a dessicated corpse is so hawt you guise. Asher uses POWER on Anita, despite the fact that, oh yes, she’s immune to vampire powers. But who cares, this is a totally romantic and touching and sexay moment. Because SHUT UP I SAID IT WAS.

It wasn’t that I didn’t drown, it was that I didn’t care that I drowned.

What the fuck does that even mean

I woke, if waking was the term, with his body pressing me to the hard stone floor.

Anyway, Asher is fine again. So much for consequences. JC throws this in BM/Musette’s face for reasons, but she’s not impressed. Asher can only take energy from those he’s fed on, so this means that ‘love-besotted fools’ would be following them around everywhere. JC says that his gang will murder all of Musette’s crew unless they’re gone by tomorrow. And BM can’t do a thing because of bullshit vampire laws.

BM counters that the MOAD, who is the head of the vampire council, may allow her vengeance. This makes no sense because the MOAD pre-dates the vampire council and I thought the head was the Queen of Nightmares? Like, LKH, don’t write a series if you can’t be bothered to at least put in a modicum of effort.

“The Mother has been asleep a very long time, Anita, when that sleep ends she may retire from the council.”

I laughed, but it wasn’t joyous now. “Retire! Vampires don’t retire. They die, but they never retire.”

I guess vampires aren’t allowed to change or grow as people. Just like every single character in this series.

This clearly means that BM is going to kill the MOAD and take over the council. I bet the political manoeuvring in ASOIAF confuses the hell out of LKH because she can’t write politics for shit. BM then declares she will leave but Valentina and Bartolome want to say sorry for all those bad things they did that I can’t remember and can’t care less about.

Seriously this is just licking Anita’s hairy ass at this point, it’s pointless. There’s no progression of plot or character.

The wolves then take BM and random vampires away and then Anita feels bad that child vampires exist. It’s straight the fuck out of nowhere, because Anita doesn’t consider other people important and it feels really inconsistent to shove it at the end of the chapter.

What happened to the terrorists and the Mafia guy?

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter fifty


Belle knelt over Asher, her head lowered as if she were kissing him. But she held herself off his body, one hand on the floor, the other against the wall. The kiss looked so intimate, but she went to great pains not to touch him more than she had to. An intimate act ruined.

jesus fucking christ who cares

Anita is shielding despite not being good at it, and then opens the shield and tastes kissing and flames and faints. She is then surprised that, OMFG, Belle is not here!

Well, no shit, she’s not here. She’s possessing someone else. Anyway, BM is trying to tie Asher to her and Anita throws her across the room.

She finally stood on her own, but with nothing near to grab onto, and an old-fashioned corset on, graceful it was not.

Good sentence structure, it was not. Asher is lying there, all drained and stuff, and BM taunts that blood will save him but only BM’s power will save him. He’s forever alone so he will die, ahahahaha!

The note of satisfaction slid into cruelty without blinking an eye.

Are we talking about BM or Anita here?

Richard protests that Asher being skeletal can’t be worse than being tied to BM so Anita throws Raina raping Richard in his face to make him understand. Everyone stands around and stares blankly. Anita falls to her knees, full of woe, touching Asher’s face. She then collapses on top of his body and starts writhing and grinding against his body because… um, because. This means that she has now fed him? I don’t know? I have literally no idea what is happening and why it won’t stop.

It seems that Asher has magically and conveniently gained a new power. Goodie.

Richard then brings up his rape by Anita.

“The last time we talked about this, you had the same rule I had. No one feeds off of you.”

Fuck this shit. Stop trying to make that okay. It’s not okay. Anita says OH BUT I MUST SAVE HIM and Richard is all BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN and Anita is all MY DELICATE FLOWER PETALS OF LOVE HAVE BEEN PIERCED BY HIS STICK OF LUST EXCEPT NOT REALLY FOR I AM NOT A SLUT and Richard is HAVE YOU BEEN GIVING HIM BLOOD? THIS IS A MOST TERRIBLE OFFENCE AGAINST ME. Anita admits that Asher belongs to her and JC. Richard is horrified and everyone has forgotten that BM is right there, and there’s a whole bunch of people just standing around and staring at everything.

Anyway, now JC and Anita are going to heal Asher. Despite the fact that Anita already has displayed the ability and power to heal vampires.

OH WELL.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty nine


Asher lay against the far wall. He was a skeleton with dried parchment skin. He lay on a bed of golden Christmas tree tinsel, the glorious remnant of his hair.

You’re cutting through any tension or horror when you compare things to bright happy holiday decorations. You really fail at writing.

Anyway, Anita is generally despairing but not to worry, Asher’s not dead yet.

Everyone is despairing because obviously there is no one who could possibly help a dying vampire. There’s obviously no one who has magic powers over dead people. They’re all trying to nag BM into giving Asher his energy back and Anita is threatening to kill Musette instead of using her brain or her NECROMANCY POWERS WHICH SHE CAN USE TO HEAL VAMPIRES. She looks at Musette and can really, really see that Musette is actually there.

It made me wonder how much of Belle everyone else had been seeing, or if I’d had a better show because of my necromancy.

Oh, so you fucking remember that you’re a necromancer? THEN WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING USE YOUR POWERS. Then BM starts fucking with her head even though Anita cannot be mindrolled by other vampires. She cannot and has never been able to be mindrolled since the very first book.

argggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Jean-Claude’s sex ran over my skin while the fear ran like ice through the rest of me.

Put your dick away and do something productive, JC. Anyway, Anita is perceptive enough to point out that everyone here hates everyone else and that BM is perfectly happy for Asher and Musette to die to prove a point. Anita demands that BM heal Asher and this means someone’s changed sides or something. And then dramatic looks are exchanged and BM’s image kneels by Asher and is going to heal him. Richard has vanished off page and Anita didn’y notice. JC is SAAAAADDDD. Anita is SAD. Dramatic looks are exchanged. Richard then appears again and JC and Richard share dramatic looks.

What the fuck is happening?

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty eight


I couldn’t figure out why Asher was screaming. There was no blood, no rending of flesh, but he screamed all the same.

He knows what book series he’s in. Anyway, he starts to get dessicated, and it’s because BM is draining him of… um, ‘everything’. Thanks, that’s specific. Musette/BM has her hands on Asher’s face and then Anita is running, despite Musette being directly in front of her, and then Micah steps in to stop the non-specific draining. Asher reaches out for Anita and now Musette/BM is riding Micah like a pony.

i have no idea what's going on

And then, conveniently, Anita’s cross remembers that it’s in a room full of vampires and flares into life. Huh. Guess religious symbols aren’t that effective if they just decide to come on and off randomly. Anita rips the duct tape off, probably removing at least three layers of skin, and the room is full of the light of her self-righteousness. The vampires all go HISSSSSBLEH but Angelito rips off the cross as he is not made of stupid.

Anita then stares into Musette/BM’s face and this is bad because it might become lesbianism.  Richard breathes so BM threatens to ardeur him to death. JC strikes a pose as this is all about getting him… on team and then Anita is struck metaphysically with something.

Anita starts throwing a fit and lands in a swoon in Richard’s arms.

har har i c wht u did thar

I turned my head to look towards Asher. I couldn’t help myself. Asher’s hair was like golden Christmas tree tinsel, lifeless, hanging around a face that was more skull than flesh.

Tinsel. Wow. So dark. So gothic. So horrifying. And, of course, despite the fact that Asher is near death, all he can do is beg forgiveness from Anita and be concerned about how she is. Then thousands of rats appear. And the vampires that Anita shot stand up and all the bodyguards start screaming.

Two dead people stand up and the bodyguards start screaming? They’re pretty pathetic bodyguards.

I finally could think enough to remember that Jean-Claude might be fighting for his life.

By posing?

Anyway, JC is having his face held by BM/Musette. It was BM who summoned the rats because, um, reasons. Richard is fussing over Anita and unleashes his beast. He starts howling and the werewolves start partially changing. Because reasons. JC has shut off his part of the triforce because he’s worried he’s going to die.

HANG ON. A big ongoing drama has been that if one of the triforce dies, they all die, and it’s unstoppable. But, no, they can just shut it off? BULLSHIT. You can’t just change it because it suits you now! You set up rules, you have to fucking live by them!

Angelito starts randomly shooting at the hyenas. Anita tries to shoot BM but then gets swarmed by rats. I hope they eat her eyelids. The mystic first vampires who are shifters start fighting and Anita shoots them again, even though that proved entirely ineffective. BM then sends away all the millions of rats because… reasons.

JC fights back by saying he’s got his own bloodline now, nyah nyah, and that he’ll kill Musette or something.

“To be able to kill Musette, legally, with no political repercussions. That has been the fondest wish of many a Master Vampire, and I will do it, Belle. You can taste the truth of my words.”

Cherry interrupts to give us the news that Asher may be dying. You know, that thing we already knew from the start of the chapter.

Nothing is happening and it’s all confusing. What the fuck is the point of this book?