A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter ten


Jason walks Anita to her car, because she can’t be left alone for even a solitary second, and Ronnie goes whizzing past in her car. She’s had a serious enough fight with Louis Fane that he’s been left behind and asks for a ride home.

“Can I grab a ride home?” It was Louie Fane, Dr Louis Fane, although his doctorate wasn’t in the biology of humans, but in the biology of bats.

That… was terribly written. You don’t need to reiterate who he is – he was reintroduced in the last chapter – and just say that he’s an expert on bats. You don’t need to qualify the existence of the scientific study of animal biology by showing how it’s connected to humans.

Anita and Jason both say it’s fine (even though it’s Anita’s Jeep and she’ll be driving, so Jason shouldn’t be offering the ride) and Louis says that he wants Anita to ‘talk some sense into [Ronnie]’. Um, right, whatever. Oh, right, and then it seems that Jason has a car and drove here himself? Right, okay, that’s – that’s badly written, whatever. Louis wants a heart-to-heart with Anita, as everything is being made to be about Anita at this wedding.

Louis asked Ronnie to marry him and she said no. That’s why they were fighting.

“Well, last I knew you guys were getting along really well.” Actually, the last time Ronnie had confided in me it had been a conversation that had set us both giggling, because it had been mostly about sex. We’d both overshared, which women do more than men –

STOP WITH YOUR GENDER BULLSHIT

and the sex had been as good between her and Louie as it had been between me and Micah. Which was pretty damned good.

So, Louis lubes up with soap and rapes Ronnie all the time?

Ronnie had this mistaken idea that dating Micah meant I’d dumped Jean-Claude. When she found out it didn’t meant that, she’d not taken it well. She just couldn’t seem to cope with me dating the undead. Picky, picky.

Hang on, you said that you hadn’t spoken to Ronnie in months. In fact, the last time you two interacted was back in Narcissus in Chains – BEFORE MICAH CAME ONTO THE SCENE. So, no, Ronnie shouldn’t know anything about Micah.

Louis says that they’ve been dating two years – really? Really? It’s been two years? TIMELINES ARE WEIRD – and he’s all offended that Ronnie just doesn’t want to marry anyone. He suggested they live together, but she’s not that interested in that either. Anita says she’ll talk to Ronnie for him.

You know, that’s a really cowardly way to discuss this issue. Louis, if you give even a single solitary fuck about Ronnie, YOU WILL talk to her. Don’t let someone else do it for you!

Anita sees that Louis is full of so much pain, like this was a murder or something. Micah comes along because it’s ardeur time. Louis then starts talking about how Ronnie and Anita haven’t spoken since Micah moved in (no, that happened beforehand) and how maybe Ronnie’s just jealous or something.

Yeah. Whatever.

I did the guy thing, and patted him awkwardly on the back.

Yeah, because men are these dense emotionless robots who never understand what you humans call FEEL-INGS.

[Louis] blinked and gave Micah an odd smile, that was almost a sob.

How can a facial expression be a noise?

“How did you talk her into moving in with you?”

Oh, yeah, because Anita is a feeble wimminz and Micah couldn’t talk and make a decision with her like adults. Anita must be pressured and manipulated into everything by men. And she certainly couldn’t take an active role in her love life, and men should just talk over her like she’s a child.

“I moved in with her,” he said, voice very quiet, very even, a careful voice, reserved for frightened children, and overly emotional adults. I’d heard that voice often enough aimed at me.

AND YOU THINK THAT’S NORMAL AND HEALTHY? MICAH TALKS AND DEALS WITH YOU LIKE YOU ARE A CHILD AND YOU JUST ACCEPT IT??????

“And she asked me.”

And let’s not ignore the fact that another manipulative abusive man just forced himself into Anita’s life and demanded she accept it without question.

Anita then relays the news to Jason, once Louis gets in Jason’s car (since when has he had a car? Why does he make Anita drive him around?), then Anita prepares to get in the Jeep but decides to stare at Nathaniel and think about what BDSM means. She’s just realising that seeing as Nathaniel is a submissive, that means he’s actually controlling her.

YES YES THAT’S WHAT HE’S DOING. HE’S CONTROLLING YOU BECAUSE HE’S A MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE.

She thinks about how sad it is that no one read Nathaniel read bedtime stories and then she forgets about what she just realise as Nathaniel is just TOOO SAD Y’ALL. TOO SAD. She thinks about how Nathaniel suggested they have monster movie nights and how he runs around the house cleaning after her as she’s a disgusting slob who makes him into her slave. He is the princess she rescued, and she is his prince.

Look, the Nathaniel/Anita relationship is utterly unhealthy on each and every conceivable level. They should not be a couple. They just should not.

Marianne, Anita’s psychic helper, then calls Anita. She senses there’s something desperately wrong and starts to do a tarot reading for her.

Of course, Marianne does tarot. She doesn’t do any cool and esoteric ways of telling the future, like using a chicken to eat alphabetised corn. Tarot it is, and luckily, I have a little experience with tarot so we can point out all the potential fail here.

“I’m looking at the Knight of Cups here, that’s usually Nathaniel’s card.” I’d been skeptical, to say the least, when Marianne first got out a deck of cards to do a ‘reading’, but they were eerily accurate, at least in her hands.

Well, she knows you really well and is your emotional advisor, so… she would know what was happening and how you were thinking, making her readings accurate. And she is actually psychic, so you shouldn’t be sceptical at all.

When she’d first started, Nathaniel’s card had been the Page of Cups, a child’s card, or at least a very young person, but of late he’d been promoted. Knight of Cups.

  • Page of Cups – a young person who is sensitive and helpful but you don’t know them very well. At all.
  • Knight of Cups – a person who is a bringer of ideas, opportunities, and offers. He is amiable, intelligent, but easily bored and discouraged. IT ALSO INDICATES FRAUD, FALSE PROMISES, AND TRICKERY. It represents a person who has trouble discerning when and where the truth ends and lies begin.

Um, yeah, you should probably tell Anita that, Marianne.

“King of Wands, Micah is with you, too.”

  • King of Wands – a man who is fun, enthusiastic, passionate, makes you feel good about yourself – but is also reckless and will leave you in the lurch. He is a heartbreaker.

“The devil, temptation. You haven’t fed the ardeur yet.”

  • Nope.
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
  • The Devil card represents a feeling of subjugation and enslavement. It is a card regarding addiction and breaking chains to finally feel free.
  • So, essentially, you’re telling Anita that she needs to break free of the situation and that she feels enslaved by the ardeur – which was forced onto her, and now she needs to ‘feed it’ like an addict.
  • If you think that, just tell her the correct meaning.

“The Priestess, you have a question for me.”

  • No. It means that Anita should trust her gut instinct. Her gut is telling her to not be with Nathaniel, so thanks for clearing that up.

Marianne wants to know whether Anita is doing something ‘silly’ like trying to pick between Micah and Nathaniel. Then she won’t hear anything more because it might ‘influence’ the reading. No shit.

“I put you in the center, Queen of Swords.”

  • Queen of Swords – a mature, intelligent, self-sufficient woman. So not Anita. At all.

“The past is the five of pentagrams, being left out in the cold, not getting your needs met.”

  • The five of pentacles warns against being so wrapped up in one area of your life that you ignore the others and suffer a form of loss in some way. So, Anita being so wrapped up in her adreur sex bullshit that she ignores friends, family, and her job.

“Deity is the six of cups, which can be someone from your past coming back into your life, someone you felt a strong connection with. Future is the Knight of Cups, Nathaniel’s card. The mundane is the four of pentacles, the Miser, holding on to things that no long help your life run smoothly. Now we’ll do the connecting cards.”

  • Six of Cups – living in the past, trying too hard to recreate the past, you will meet someone from your past and gain new experiences from it.
  • Four of pentacles – nice editing fail there – is not a miser? It represents financial security and a warning to not be too obsessed with material possessions.

“Connecting the mundane to the past is the Lover’s card. [OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS] Something happened in your live life that made you afraid of being hurt, or giving up someone, or something. Connecting the past to the deity is the King of Wands, usually Micah’s card, but it could be energy, a male presence in your life. Connecting deity to the future is the two of swords, you have a choice to make, and you think it’s difficult, but if you take off the blindfold, you can see, and you have what you need to do it. Connecting the future to the mundane is the Knight of Wands, another man in your life. You do draw a lot of male energy to you.”

  • Whyyyyyy won’t this stopppp
  • STAHP
  • The Two of Swords describes being stuck in an unpleasant situation, so that fits here.

“Overlaying the Miser is the six of swords, help unseen, or help from a spiritual source. Overlaying the Lover is the four of rods, the marriage card. Overlaying the out in the cold is the ten of pentacles, happy prosperous home. Hmmm. The King of Rods and the six of cups stand on their own, but the two of swords has crossed with the Queen of Wands. Nathaniel’s card is crossed by the Devil, temptation.”

  • Six of swords – moving away from a bad situation.
  • Four of rods – I think you mean four of wands, unless you’re using a mixture of decks, which is a dick move – means taking a break from a hard situation and enjoying life. It is not a marriage card.
  • Ten of pentacles – a happy family life, not home.
  • King of Rods – King of Wands, I’m guessing, because the editor clearly didn’t give a shit – we’ve covered that one.
  • Six of cups – the past.
  • Queen of Wands – an extremely capable woman who has no problems in combining a successful career with a happy home life. Hahhhhhh that’s not Anita, at all.
  • Nathaniel’s card is crossed with feelings of enslavement and a need to break free. hmmmmm.

I’m getting a totally different reading from this deck than Marianne is. What I’m reading is that Anita could be happier in life if she moved on, abandoned all this ardeur bullshit, and left all these assholes behind.

Marianne then reads about the murder and how it will all work out ‘but not without loss’ and it’ll involve someone from the past. Thanks for revealing the plot to us all. She then gives Anita a message from God.

I am serious.

” ‘You know what you need to do. Why are you asking me?’ ”

I licked my suddenly dry lips, and said, “It doesn’t bother you that you just took a message from God for me?”

“Well, it wasn’t from him directly. He just sent it.”

WILL YOU STOP WITH THIS ‘GOD HIMSELF DIRECTLY APPROVES OF ANITA’ BULLSHIT?

Marianne tells Anita to just follow her heart and trust herself (eugh) and then she hangs up so Anita can go into her home.

I got out of the Jeep and hoped I was grown-up enough for this particular choice.

No. You’re not. Because you consistently refuse to behave like a grown woman. Get a clue, dump all these assholes, and move on with your life.

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A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter nine


The first time I saw when I hit the parking lot wasn’t any of the men, it was Ronnie.

Ah, yes, the sole female character Anita likes – who was made unpleasant and promptly shoved out of the books as soon as poss. She’s having a very intense argument with Louis Fane, her wererat boyfriend.

Ronnie had had problems with me dating a vampire, Jean-Claude in particular, but her main objection seemed to be the vampire part. At a time when I’d needed girl advice and a little sympathy, she’d offered only her outrage, and anger.

JC blackmailed you into dating him, stalked you, put you in danger, forced the vampire mark on you, and then, finally abused you at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable. I don’t think it’s the ‘vampire’ part that Ronnie dislikes.

Anita considers just going along and inserting herself into the argument, because –

Like, there’s no other reason why you would go INSERT YOURSELF INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S ARGUMENT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT IS REALLY RUDE.

Anita then turns around and heads back to the door leading out of the wedding reception, and all of her boytoys are waiting for her. Even though it was Nathaniel who ran out, and they should be talking to him? Oh yes, Anita am feel uncomfortable when we are not about her.

“Nathaniel says you didn’t want to dance with him,” Micah said.

WHO FUCKING CARES. What does it matter? Who the shit cares????

Anita didn’t want to play ‘kissy-face in front of cops’ because she is twelve years old. This hurts Nathaniel, as this meant Anita only kissed him because she had to, not because she wanted to.

This is supposed to be some gritty dark detective series, not some teen soap opera. I don’t care about the meaning of kisses!

Micah starts giving Anita shit, and she just wants to avoid a fight (so she’s not like that bitch Ronnie ammirite). She points out that the ardeur was rising, so she would have been forced to go out and feed it unwillingly. She would not want to have sex in the parking lot outside her friend’s wedding, which is a far thing to not want, and Nathaniel only accepts this reason under great sufferance.

Anyway, this means that the ardeur will be back later for Ardeur 2: Electric Boogaloo which will be very bad. Nathaniel is guilttripping Anita so badly that she’s obliged to touch him.

I am going to reach through time and space and punch out Nathaniel’s teeth.

Jason then gives Anita shot about how they had sex once and how badly he really needs to have sex with her again or his balls will turn blue and explode or something.

“I love the fact that I can make you blush now,” he said.

I love humiliating you! It makes me tingly all over in a sexual way!

I’d learned in the last few months that Jason used his teasing and laughter as a shield to hide a rather insightful intelligence that was sometimes so perceptive it was painful.

Since when has Jason ever shown the slightest hint of intelligence?

Jason then proceeds to make Anita feel bad for denying Nathaniel a true orgasm through penetrative sex. Because, obvs, Nathaniel is entitled to free access to her vagina.

Look, how Anita treats Nathaniel is disgusting, but NO ONE is entitled to your body as a ‘reward’. That’s not how it works. She has to be Nathaniel’s girlfriend because. BECAUSE. Jason also mentions that he told Nathaniel that Anita prefers a man to make decisions regarding sex for her.

I am going to fire you FROM A CANNON INTO THE SUN JASON.

Anita thinks that Nathaniel should not base his life on her, which is fair.

“[All this] is not a life decision. I meant like a career choice, maybe go back to college.”

“He’s got a job, Anita, and he makes better money as a stripper than most college graduates do.”

Yeah, that’s the point of having life experiences. Capitalism. Just keep on forcing women into things they don’t want to do, Jason. That shows what a great guy you are.

Anita tries to point out that she’s working on feeding on the ardeur from a distance and not require sex, but Jason pooh-poohs this, being the clear expert on the ardeur and everything.

Look, I could continue to tell you what exactly is happening, but it boils down to the same thing: Jason gaslighting Anita into accepting a situation she does not want and does not feel comfortable with. Because he’s a horrible person and a horrible character reflecting horrible opinions.

“Anita, you have two men who live with you. They both love you. They both want you. They both support your career. Between the two of them, they’re like your wife. There are people in this world who would kill to have what you have. And you’d just throw it all away.”

BECAUSE

SHE

DOESN’T

WANT

IT

HOW

HARD

IS

THAT

TO

UNDERSTAND

?

Also apparently LKH only sees relationships as having man/wife, man/object, trousers/skirts analogies. I bet she questions who’s the ‘guy’ in lesbian relationships.

“You needed a wife in that old 1950s sort of way.”

“Doesn’t everybody,” I said.

Yeah, who doesn’t want to be a woman in the 1950s? Who doesn’t want to get treated like shit and being treated as a societal inferior and forced to work 80+ hours a week in the home?

“Please, Anita, go home, and don’t freak. Just go home, and be happy. Be happy, and let everyone around you be happy. Is that so hard?”

Well, when you get gaslit by a friend to turn against what you initially wanted… then surely you can be truly happy!

This was a awful chapter. I’d never treat a friend like this. If this is what friendship and love is supposed to be, then I’m glad to be all wrong.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter seven


By the time Nathaniel and Jason came looking for us Micah was back to normal.

There’s a distinct lack of commas in that sentence. And, again, we’re reminded of how Anita felt so threatened by possibly feeling/being treated like anyone else that she had to bring three dates to this wedding.

Normal for Micah mean that if I hadn’t seen him break down, even I wouldn’t have guessed. In fact, he was so back to normal that it made me wonder how many other breakdowns I’d missed. Or had I caused this one?

  • Does it strike anyone else as being slightly suspicious that Micah is able to emotionally breakdown and then instantly be able to act as if absolutely nothing happened? It seems, methinks, that someone has not experience one or seen one happen. I have, on both counts. It takes me a long time to calm back down.
  • I might be reading too much into it all, given that every single person in the Anita Blake universe appears to be lying and emotionally manipulating every one else, all at the same time.
  • Anita, you are not the centre of everyone’s universe. Some people react to things that are completely nothing to do with you.

Nathaniel smushes up against Anita, because Everything Is About Anita At All Times, and Jason decides to ask for sex.

“It’s after midnight, we thought you’d be outside feeding the ardeur.” His grin was way too wicked to match the mildish words.

“I’m able to go longer between feedings,” I said, “sometimes fourteen, or even sixteen hours.”

“Oh, pooh,” he said, and stamped his foot, pouting. It was a wonderful imitation of a childish snit, except for the devilish twinkle in his eye. “I was hoping to take another one for the team.”

Oh my god. The men around Anita have all recognised that childish behaviour and actions are what sexually interests Anita, and have started acting in kind. Gross. Anita turns him down but Jason is desperate to sleep with her again, for reasons I cannot fathom. Anita just lays there and does nothing when she has sex. You might as well have sex with a blow-up doll, it all amounts to the same. Anyway, being forced to have sex with Jason is only an option when there’s a sexing emergency. Everyone rushes to make sure that Anita or JC do not take any blame for this ridiculous situation – it’s all BM, ‘the wicked, sexy vampire of the west’ (what the fuck?), going around being evil and shit. They begin to praise that Anita is so strong because… I dunno, I have no idea how Anita is strong or interesting.

I laid my head on [Nathaniel’s] shoulder, curving my face into the bend of his neck, and getting that whiff of vanilla. He’d always smelled like vanilla to me. I’d thought once it was shampoo, or soap, but it wasn’t.

NO ONE SMELLS NATURALLY OF VANILLA

NO ONE

Jason has to prompt Nathaniel to ask something – because Nathaniel is keeping up this poor damaged widdly boy act – and Nathaniel is desperate to dance with her. Anita agrees. Everyone is shocked.

“Where is Anita, and what have you done with her?” Jason asked, face very serious.

Sorry, but I had to. That line is in every single bad piece of fan fiction. It is a famous sign of bad fiction, this little non-joke that always crops up in the written works of bad authors.

THE ULTIMATE PROOF AMMIRITE

Anita and Nathaniel smile and giggle at each other and go off to dance

this wedding’s lasted like seven chapters how many more will it go on? Is it the whole book? Will it ever end??

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter five


I didn’t want to go back to the reception. First, I wasn’t in the mood to be merry. Second, I still didn’t know how to answer Arnet’s questions. Third, Micah made me promise I’d dance with him. I hated to dance. I didn’t think I was good at it. In the privacy of our home, Micah, Nathaniel, and hell, Jason, had told me I was wrong. That I actually danced very well. I did not believe them.

Well, you should. You’re the Sue, so you do everything well. Also, here’s a thing: if Micah won’t accept a ‘no’ over something as small as a dance, then he sure as hell ain’t going to take a no over anything else. Ditch him. Ditch him now.

And Jason is at the reception. I have no idea why. Wasn’t Anita so worried about her reputation in the last few chapters? Honey, bringing three men, two of whom are well known as strippers, as your dates to a wedding doesn’t exactly decrease your reputation. Anita goes on about how JC dresses all his people as if they were all his own personal toys and how JC owns a strip club.

I had let Micah and Nathaniel go shopping with Jason for dress clothes, and I footed the bill for my two boys. It had been outrageous, but I couldn’t let Jean-Claude be nicer to his kept men than I was to mine. Could I?

Says the woman who bitched about having to buy a pair of shoes. Let them pay for themselves!

Technically, Micah wasn’t a kept man, but the salary he drew from the Coalition for Better Understanding Between Lycanthrope and Human Communities –

Laughing tennant

I’m sorry, but that is a horrendous fucking name. Like, that is words that have just been shoved together. Why not just The Shapeshifter Council? How can you fail at writing so much?

– didn’t cover designer suits. I made enough money to pay for designers, so I did.

Yet not enough money to get a tuxedo that actually fits you and your body shape. Interesting that Anita’s partners are making her buy them expensive gifts. Seems a bit abusive. Anita stares at Micah.

The suit fit him like a roomy glove.

YOU ARE BAD WITH WORDS

Also Micah is wearing sunglasses indoors.

Micah and Anita then start groping each other pretty… well, it’s pretty full on in public. They’re essentially grinding all over each other, and it’s not that late and people aren’t drunk enough yet for it to be that part of the wedding reception. Anita then gets frowny face because she ‘suspected him of lying to me, not about anything in particular, but about nearly everything. He was too perfect’.

No, he’s an abusive asshole who raped you. He’s not perfect. Get rid of him.

He drew away enough to see my face clearly. He let his puzzlement show. ‘What have I done now?’

I shook my head. ‘That’s the problem, you haven’t done anything, nothing wrong anyway.’

He did rape you. That was pretty wrong.

Even I knew I was being silly, but I couldn’t seem to help it. He was too perfect, so I had to poke at it. Our relationship worked too well, so I had to see if I could break it.

Have we ever actually seen them being all relationshippy? We’ve barely seen them interact at this point, and now we’re being told that they are just sooooooooo perfect together? Pffffft give me a break.

Anita whines about how she feels nothing about Charlene’s death. That plot kernel that Anita has never fucking minded until this point but she’s now suddenly concerned about.

“You have to divorce yourself from your emotions, or you can’t do your job.”

I nodded. “Yeah, but once I had to work at it. Now I don’t.”

Bullshit. Not caring always came without effort because you don’t care about anyone or anything save yourself. Micah says that everything in Anita’s life is perfect, why is she bitching? She thinks about the Chimera and how totally nuts that guy was and this means Micah is totally full of pain.

Again, Anita can only love someone who is (supposedly) broken and damaged and in need of ‘fixing’. This… this is worrying. That sounds like a huge abuser, picking people who are ‘weak’ to prey on.

Sometimes you fight what you are, and sometimes you give in to it. And some nights you just don’t want to fight yourself anymore, so you pick someone else to fight.

Sure, whatever.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty seven


At this point, the werewolves show up. And of course, that means the flow and pace of the story has draw completely to a stop because we have to know what they’re wearing.

Jason walked in smiling in his black over-the-knee boots, but there was something in his eyes, some small warning that I couldn’t decipher. I’d expected to see him wearing makeup like Micah and Nathaniel, but he wasn’t. None of the male wolves were.

Makeup? THAT’S HOW THE GAY GETS IN.

Richard came into sight, easy to spot above the sea of black leather that was his pack. I knew that he had butchered his hair, but I hadn’t really grasped how much until I saw him. I’m sure the hairstylist had done his or her best, but there was only so much they could do. They’d had to buzz his hair back to less than an inch of medium brown. It seemed darker this short, missing the gold and red highlights.

He was wearing a black tux with a shirt of deep, rich blue and a matching blue tie. With the new haircut, and the more conservative clothes he looked – out of place.

No once cares.

His eyes met mine, and the shock of how handsome he was still sent a thrill through me from head to toes. Without the hair to distract, you couldn’t pretend that the cheekbones weren’t knife-edge perfect, the dimple in his chin didn’t soften the strong masculinity of his face. His shoulders were broad, his waits not slender, but small. Nothing about Richard was slender. He was built more like a football player than a dancer.

oh my god shut up

She doesn’t shut up. She goes on for another page or so about how Jamil, Shang-Da, and Jason look.

  • Jamil is dressed in leather straps. LKH notes how very very very black he is.
  • Shang-Da is also wearing leather. He apparently hates Anita. She goes on about how tall he is compared to all those other runty Chinese people.
  • Jason is swaying around like a stripper, because, obviously, strippers just go around being strippers 24/7 of the time.

Jason has come with a dire warning that, uh oh, Richard has a backbone! You see, he wants to take the wolves away from JC.

oh no what a calamity whatever shall we do

The action is further paused because Shang-Da has to growl and remind Jason that he doesn’t have two masters. I wonder what Musette/BM are thinking while they’re just standing there watching this happen in the middle of a supposed takedown. This continues with loud declarations of how this shouldn’t happen here, there are enemies, and how Richard has beaten Sylvie up really badly. Jason then starts making out with the back of Anita’s neck.

boring sleep

Why? Have you no control over your penis?

“What is it with you, Anita? Does everyone want to fuck you?” It was Richard. When he was really angry he could be more hateful than anyone I’d ever dated. The fact that he said the word fuck told me exactly how nasty he was going to be tonight.

A curse word? Let me clutch my pearls.

This starts everyone arguing over whether Jason will go to the wolves or be with Anita tonight. HELLO? PLOT? WHERE ARE YOU? I’m looking high and low and I can’t find you…

Richard says that Anita should help the new werewolves control their beasts through sex, hur, hur.

It was too ridiculous that he was fighting like this in front of Musette and her people. It was beyond ridiculous, it was foolish.

Use your words Anita. Tell him that you find this inappropriate and that you don’t appreciate Jason slobbering all over the back of your neck.

She does say that they should talk about this later, so Richard demands that Anita stand with her pack. She finds this incredibly offensive for reasons that are entirely beyond any comprehension. Gregory isn’t permitted to sit with them, for reasons, and this means Richard is being crrrrrroooooooooooeeeeeeeeellllllll. She calls him cruel, he calls her cruel back, and she starts weeping about how she’s ‘strong and pragmatic, not cruel’.

Yeah. Yeah. That guy you tortured will back you up on that ‘not-cruel’ front.

“Cruel is saying that I’m Bolverk because you don’t have the balls to be.”

Yeah, the fact that Richard is trying to get away from your toxic influence means that he’s a weak loser. She then is terrified that he’s going to hit her.

Well, that came out of nowhere. So, naturally, she steps forward. And she keeps walking forward to prove a point. He stares at her tits, and there’s a page of how angry they are at each other. Musette glides in, all non-BMy now, and is attracted to this raging sexual chemistry (snort). Richard refuses to talk to Musette until pack business has been dealt with. She laughs about how scared Richard is and how she’s going to torture Asher, ahahahaha.

Richard asks what’s happening and Anita says that it’s ‘trouble’. Nice, concise, and says nothing about the situation. Richard puffs up and declares I AM ULFRIC as if that was in any doubt or discussion.

“I’m either Ulfric, or I’m not, Anita. I’m either master or slave, I can’t be both.”

“Yeah, actually, you can.”

Well. That’s some… novel form of problem solving. YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM. Richard then doesn’t understand how metaphysical magic might be a problem.

… dude, you were having your life sucked out of you. In this book.

I realized in that moment that Richard was still living in that other world. The world where people played fair and horrible things never really happened. It must have been a peaceful place to live, the planet that people like Richard called home. I’d always admired the view, but I’d never lived there. The trouble was that Richard didn’t live there either.

Bite me, precious dark delicate flower.

Someone starts screaming now and it’s bad because Richard is um doing nothing. While no one is doing anything. So that clearly means he is pure evil.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty


Jason leaned his head back against the passenger seat of the Jeep. His eyes were closed, and he looked weary. There were hollows under his eyes even with them closed.

Well… a hollow under your eyes is under your eyes, and would be unaffected by the movement of your eyelids.

Jason was fair-skinned, not pale. He didn’t tan dark, but nicely golden.

He couldn’t look not white. Then he’d be disgusting and not worthy of being fucked. Anita asks whether he’s going to be okay for the banquet tonight.

What banquet? There’s a banquet? What the fuck?

Jason asks whether he’d be on his way to a secure facility without Anita’s help – no shit mate – and Anita says that as he’s got scratches, that’s clearly enough to convict someone and imprison them for life. Then Jason starts writhing and shuddering around in the back of the car and this is just SO HAWT that Anita forgets that she’s driving and skids across the road almost killing every other driver and their passengers.

This makes Jason smug like a fucking snake about how Anita notices him sexually now and isn’t that great that she ‘really sees [him]’. Obvs there’s nothing worth aiming for in life other than being seen as sexually attractive by the opposite gender. Then he drops the news that the killer – the killer Anita is supposedly hunting down – is actually a werewolf, just not a local one.

Gee, thanks shithead. It would have been nice to tell her earlier! What, were you waiting for the opportune moment? Thanks to you, another woman has been raped and torn into pieces. Congrats. You are a terrible excuse for a person.

The reason he didn’t tell her is because Jason presumed Anita already knew. He presumed through the power of LAZY WRITING and TERRIBLE CHARACTERS.

The two dither about how dogs won’t hunt werewolves, so they can track the scent, until they realise that, hey, another werewolf might be able to track the scent!

clap

Anita will tell this to Zerbrowski when he calls, as he’s sure to call Anita to solve this case, as she’s clearly such an intuitive and intelligent person. But they might have to wait until two or three more women are dead to make the suggestion.

Jason is actually horrified by this but Anita doesn’t care. Humans aren’t really worth much in the grand scheme of things, after all.

So I guess it’s okay for someone to go kill your father and half-siblings. They’re not worth saving, I guess. God, Anita is such a disgusting person.

Then there’s a pointless point about how humans are the most dangerous animal of all *gags*. That point is so stale I could use it to knock down buildings.

I had offended Jason. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure it was possible to offend him.

Until now I didn’t realise that he had thoughts and feelings of his own! Until now I didn’t realise that he counted as life! Until now I didn’t realise that most people will be disturbed if you openly admit to not caring whether people live or die! Take your pick, they’re all valid options.

Either he was growing up, or I was getting less diplomatic. Since I couldn’t possibly get less diplomatic than usual, Jason must have been growing up. For the first time in a while, I wondered if he would always be content to be Jean-Claude’s lap wolf and appetizer. And stripper, too. But you can’t strip and feed the vampires forever, can you?

Christ, Jason might have like, dreams, ambitions, you know, things that mean you should treat him like a human being rather than an object. Scary stuff, that.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty nine


Anita just walks into the police station and up to the RIPT offices without anyone questioning her or stopping her. It must be nice living in a world with no rules and no consequences for any actions.

Anita is greeted in the department by Detective Jessica Arnet, who is an actual woman detective so must be a horrible whore-bag. For a start, she’s only interested in asking after Nathaniel – ick – and Anita immediately derides her appearance so we know that she’s a whore-bag.

She laid the stack of folders down on a desk, not her own, and pushed back the hair from her face. There wasn’t enough of her dark hair to push back.

Unless she has a fucking buzz cut – which would be rad – there will be hair to push back. I guess LKH has never had short hair.

It looked like an old gesture from when she’d had longer hair. The short, barely-below-ear-level cut really didn’t flatter her face. But the face was still good, triangular, with delicate bones that framed her smile nicely. I’d never really noticed, but she was pretty.

Did Nathaniel ever want to date, just date? Not the dominance and submission stuff, but like dinner and a movie.

Obviously, people into kink are only ever interested in stuff to do with their kink. They are incapable of doing anything else at all. Anita asks Jessica where Zerbrowski is, and Jessica just directs her right there. On an aside, Jessica is my name. So that’s another name from my life that’s appeared in this series. Which is weird.

I went up on tiptoe outside the door, so I could look in the little window. Television will make you think that all police interrogation rooms have huge one-way mirrors that take up almost an entire wall. Very few departments have either the budget or the space for that kind of thing. Television uses it because it’s more dramatic and makes camera work easier. It seemed to me that real life is dramatic enough without big windows, and there are no good camera angles, only pain. Or maybe I was just in a rotten mood.

‘There are no good camera angles, only pain’. Just stop. Stop writing. Stop everything. Find something else to do.

She knocks on the door and is surprised that Zerbrowski tells her to go away. You see, Dolph is in the room, despite supposedly being on leave, and it was him who brought Jason in.

“Suspect? Why is Jason a suspect?”

“You don’t want to do this in the hallway, Anita.”

“No, I don’t, I want to come in the room, so we can all talk like civilized human beings. You’re the one keeping me out in the hallway.”

Yeah, because you’re not a police officer, you are not part of the investigation, you know the suspect, and you are a butt munch. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE ROOM, IDIOT. But, of course, Zerbrowski immediately lets her in. Dolph pouts like a child and growls about how he didn’t ask for her help, even though he did, that’s why we’re in this mess. Anita demands to know why Jason was brought in.

“He has defensive wounds on his body consistent with the crime.”

… and – and that’s it? Wow. Yeah. Dolph is just doing this to make a point, right?

“He’s a werewolf and he’s got defensive wounds,” Dolph said, “if he didn’t rape our vic, then he raped somebody.”

Riiiiight. A civil rights lawyer is going to eat you alive over this.

It’s now been bumped up to a rape and murder case because LKH can’t fucking leave the crime of rape alone for a single book. There was semen all over the two crime scenes – oh, they’ve found another female victim torn to pieces, so clearly Jason did it, despite the fact he’s been with Anita pretty much the whole time, and with other people, so there are a million and one witnesses who can back him up. But he’s all cut up, so clearly, he’s a rapist. Anita is forced to admit that she was the one who ‘cut him up’.

Then there’s some timey wimey wibbly wobbly bullshit about how much Jason’s wounds have healed, but the fact is that this is all about Dolph banging his chest and proclaiming that he find werewolves and sex with werewolves disgusting. Anita  then thinks about how much the system is stacked against werewolves, vampires, and magic users, but I don’t have much sympathy seeing as 99.9% of all supernatural creatures we’ve seen in the series have been unrepentant murderous sex criminals with no self control.

Dolph is then disgusted because Anita is clearly pregnant and clearly she has no idea who the father is because she’s a sluuuuuuuut. Tammy Reynolds has been telling everyone how Anita vomited and passed out which is a clear sign of pregnancy.

“You’ve never passed out before,” Dolph said.

BULL. SHIT. Anita has passed out two or three times in every single book! Her response to a bad situation is to pass out like a fainting goat!

“Have you been tested for Vlad’s syndrome, yet?”

Thanks Dolph, thanks for reminding her that her baby might be born severely disabled (if she were pregnant).

“You’re either one of us, or you’re one of them, Anita.”

Of course, all critics of Anita are hideous unrepentant bigots. That’s how you know they’re the bad guys. Dolph goes on about how Jason is an ‘it’ and how all vampires are monsters (tru fax, that) and Anita throws it in his face that she’s now fucking two vampires, because she’s a sexual object even to herself.

“I knew you were coffin bait, I didn’t know you were a whore.”

“How’s that grandchildren problem coming, Dolph? You still got a vampire for a soon-to-be daughter-in-law?”

This must be so super awkward for Zerbrowski and Jason who are just watching this and are helpless. Dolph starts going on a HULK SMASH rampage, destroying the interview room, and making all the police officers in the building run into the room, guns drawn (which is super unsafe, you should never draw and point your gun unless you definitely are going to shoot it. Guess policies like that are why American police officers seem to be always killing people). Anyway, Dolph is upset because his son is going to be turned into a vampire, so that means doing something massively illegal to make himself feel better. Anita consoles him by saying that she hates people being made into vampires, so can he let Jason go?

Nope. He’s staying in custody. Jason is being sent to a secure facility that is supposed to be like a ‘full moon hotel’ but actually it’s an illegal prison that you can never leave and no one has stopped them because…

That’s what you get for bringing logic into this!

Anita says it’s not necessary, because Jason can control his beast, but Dolph wants him put away because he’s a werewolf.

“Locked up just because he’s a werewolf,” I said it.

Your bigotry metaphor doesn’t work considering that werewolves LITERALLY CANNOT STOP THEMSELVES FROM RAPING AND DEVOURING PEOPLE ALIVE. Everyone decides to tip-toe from the room and leave Dolph alone for a few minutes. Zerbrowski tries to be all ‘shucks I know jason ain’t guilty hurr hurr’ but Anita is sad. If it’s revealed how massively bigoted Dolph is, then the whole RIPT department is sunk.

Yeah, wouldn’t it be dreadful if a police force in Missouri was made of bigots. *raises eyebrow*. My, this has gotten awkward due to recent events.

Anita asks Zerbrowski to ensure that Dolph goes on an extended break and then runs. To be fair, I wouldn’t want to try and console Dolph. He seems like a huge asshole with a huge anger problem.