A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty four


We sent Gregory in his kitty-cat fur down to watch Damian.

WHY CAN’T YOU SPEAK LIKE AN ADULT

I don’t ask for much, but please talk to me like I’m a goddamn adult. You’re not writing a children’s book. You’re writing an adult erotic fantasy thriller. You shouldn’t be witting as if you’re trying to appeal to three year olds.

Anyway, Gregory is a shit because he can’t go stripping tonight because he has to stay in animal form for ‘six to eight hours’ and then spend ‘two to four hours’ passed out. This seems ridiculous and not mentioned before? I’m sure that this happened before but, eh, whatever. LKH doesn’t care so I don’t.

Clair, Richard’s girlfriend, is incredibly shocked by all of this.

I wasn’t sure why, unless her world was so protected that just being in the car with a stripper was a big deal. For her sanity’s sake, I hoped her world was bigger than that.

Of course, Clair is so sheltered in comparison to Anita. Clair is just so sexually naive, unlike Anita. Because all women are pieces of shit compared to Anita.

Clair asks Richard and Nathaniel about what it’s like when they pass out and shift – Richard doesn’t though, because he’s an Ulfric, and that means extra magic? – and Nathaniel reveals that he was turned when he was seventeen. Anita gets an O face as this means Gabriel turned Nathaniel into a wereleopard illegally.

Gabriel liked to rape and torture people for fun. I have no idea why Anita is horrified that he would do something else illegal.

“It’s illegal in most states to contaminate anyone willingly with a potential fatal disease, regardless of age,” Richard said.

I shook my head. “I guess I’m starting to treat lycanthropy the way the law treats vampirism. If you’re eighteen you can choose.”

“The law doesn’t treat it the same,” he said.

I knew that, but I’d spent so much time among the shapeshifters, that I just sort of forgot. Careless of me. “I guess I forgot.”

“And you a federal marshal,” he said.

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Anita is so professional that SHE DOESN’T KNOW THE FUCKING LAW SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE ENFORCING.

jesus christ

Also, how come vampirism isn’t considered a ‘fatal disease’? Becoming a vampire literally involves dying. But the law is A-OK with that as it doesn’t involve spending time with those dirty wererats I suppose.

Dr Lillian announces that Richard could have lost his arm but his super-duper wolf powers prevented it. I want to know how he almost lost his arm, considering that Damian bit a chunk out of Richard’s chest. Maybe LKH just forgot. Clair and Richard talk a little about shifting, and Anita thinks that Clair is super young, like twenty five. Even though Anita is what, twenty eight? Eh, whatever.

Richard is worried about his job but Anita starts whining about how Clair has no control and she’s too young to be out in public and that Clair is probably going to go crazy and try and eat someone.

Like Damian? Or is she just under this much scrutiny because she has a vagina? Richard plans to shift to heal (???? if it knocks him unconscious then surely it’s bad for him?) and then more about that werewolf that went mad earlier. Richard came as the wereleopards were worried about Anita.

Fredo said, “All your leopards are very serious about your and Micah’s safety.”

I looked at him. “I wasn’t aware of that.”

You’re their fucking leader, Anita. Of course they’re going to be concerned about your safety.

Richard and Anita bicker over who’s going home, and then it’s revealed that Nathaniel is Anita’s love potato.

Nathaniel gives everyone coffee in matching mugs and gives Anita hers. It’s pale brown, which makes me howl with laughter. Anita goes on and on and on about being such a coffee snob, and she’s just proven that she really isn’t. True coffee aficionados have their coffee black, Anita. You’re just diluting the pure coffeeness of it all.

Richard complains that Nathaniel treats his home like it’s his home. Nathaniel supposedly has that apartment that Anita pays for, but he is never there and lives with Anita. I don’t get Richard’s problem. Lillian steps in to say they don’t know how to act around a love potato.

[Nathaniel] set the creamer and pitcher on a little tray, along with little tongs for the sugar cubes. Why sugar cubes? Because Nathaniel seemed to get a kick out of asking how many lumps people wanted. He was like a kid playing house. No, that wasn’t fair. He was like a new bride that had never had a house, or a kitchen of her own, and was really enjoying the hostess stuff. But it was like he didn’t know what real people did in a house, so her was taking it from movies, books, or magazines. I mean nobody serves cream and sugar anymore on a little tray with little tongs, right?

no brains

No one gives a shit, LKH. NO BODY GIVES A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT THE SUGAR TONGS.

Nathaniel was wearing one of his favourite pairs of blue jeans, so faded that they were turning white in places. They fit his lower body like they were painted on, and it was a nice paint job.

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NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. THIS ADDS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE STORY. WHEN ARE WE GETTING BACK TO THE MURDER MYSTERY?

Anita goes on about how young Nathaniel looks which makes me want to hurl.

Richard complains some more about how Nathaniel is acting like this is his house. Golly gee why are we still on this issue? Richard calls him a ‘wife’, as this is a sexist nightmare, and he’s like but you aren’t fucking him why are you looking like you’re fucking him. So Anita is cruel about Clair and this is a black hole of despair.

On the upside, Nathaniel is making biscuits. Because the Stepford Wives is the ideal world to be living in.

Richard is annoyed because Nathaniel means something to Anita. Richard, why do you care? Anita is horrible to you. She cheated on you. She thinks you’re a piece of shit. Drop this shitshow, move to California, and forget all about it. Richard is whining about Anita is living with Micah and Nathaniel which is Bad because that means she is a slut or something.

“You’re always screw around when we aren’t dating,” I said.

Oh gosh Richard dates people other than Anita? Wow what a horrible person. It’s almost like they broke up AGES AGO because ANITA IS A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON.

You see, Richard is bitter because he thought Anita was cheating on him with Nathaniel.

Uh, LKH? You didn’t introduce Nathaniel until Burnt Offerings. Richard and Anita broke up in The Killing Dance. You know, the book BEFORE BURNT OFFERINGS. So, how exactly could Anita cheat with Nathaniel when she had no idea that he existed and had never interacted with him?

“Like I said, you broke up with me, Richard, not the other way around. You broke up with me, because, quote, you didn’t want to love someone who was more comfortable with the monsters than you were, unquote.”

No, it’s because you went to suck JC’s dick, Anita. It’s because you’re a cheat.

Richard whines some more about how Anita must have been cheating on him with a character that didn’t exist when their break up was being written, then Anita slutshames him for having a sex life that doesn’t involve her.

Richard admits he’s not in love with Clair, and Anita admits that she totally loves Nathaniel for all those wonderful personally traits that he has like…..

Nah, I got nothing either.

Nathaniel kisses her, as he’s a manipulative asshole. And then he says he wants intercourse.

How romantic.

Anita then faints. Because reasons.

Uh, when are we getting back to the plot? This long tangent into nothingness is not showing any signs of stopping.

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A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty three


This is a twenty page chapter so buckle up folks. I’m guessing this chapter will not be a return to the A plot, but a continued ramble of bullshit

Nathaniel’s attempt to make me laugh accomplished one thing; it made me feel better, though I have to admit the smell of freshly ground coffee helped lure me through the door. I couldn’t let one ex-fiance stand between me and my coffee, could I? Not and keep my self-respect, so in we went.

What the shit is going on. What time is this taking place. When. What. How.

Richard was sitting at the kitchen table on the side nearest the door. Dr Lillian was standing over the finishing the bandaging of his entire right shoulder and arm.

He was so injured that it barely stopped him from having sex and long conversations. Anyway, Anita is surprised that a medical professional acts like a medical professional. There’s a body guard lurking around because Marcus died (Marcus was a doctor? I don’t know who he is? What the fuck?) and he’s like dripping in knives. Even though he’s a were-animal and has like mad strength.

Anita freaks because she’s clearly going to die, as even though Fredo ‘was on our side, but he was definitely a bad guy’. Who the fuck is Fredo? The bodyguard? Have we met him before, at all? You can’t drop a character name and just expect us to know them because Anita does. NEWSFLASH: I am not Anita, and I’m glad for it. Character knowledge does not equal reader knowledge. Anita panics as her claustrophobia starts to kick in. I want to know how all these people got in the house without Anita’s knowledge. Damian starts to touch her but Anita starts to Hulk up as ‘I need to be angry right now, Damian, it’s all I’ve got’.

I have no idea what’s happening. Anita’s angry about something, but she’s always angry.

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Me too, Bruce, me too.

Dr Lillian demands that everyone give Anita space and some air as her claustrophobia is just sooooooooooo bad you guise, yeah this claustrophobia that she never had until a couple of books ago.

Anita heads out on the deck and flails about seeing colours and panicking and just generally being useless. You see, the tri force is now a five force, as she tied herself to Damian and Nathaniel. Yes, she is now permanently linked to those two wastes of ink.

Dr Lillian orgasms over how amazing Anita is.

“I know you are a constant amazement to the wererats. We never know what you’re going to do next.”

Whine, have sex, flail around, get injured, say disgusting things. That’s about it. Anita heads back inside and Fredo goes all ‘grrrr’.

The white roses that Jean-Claude sent every week framed Fredo’s darkness.

Oh, yeah, he’s a wererat, so he’s Latino. Just to point out how he’s all ‘dark’ and shit, and he’s all super dark against the whitey white roses. Just to prove that LKH puts no thought into her words whatsoever. Anita skulks around the kitchen, wary of the scary brown man.

The days when I would have picked a fight just to reassure myself I was still tough were long ago and far away.

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Being a girl, that phase had been shorter anyway. We are much more practical creatures than men, as a general rule.

Of course, men are just big helpless babies that have to be looked after by women. Because that’s a woman’s job. This sort of shit isn’t feminist fam.

Damien, who hasn’t been the centre of attention for five minutes, has decided to wedge himself between the cabinets.Basically, Damian couldn’t cope that Anita was out the room for two seconds. Ah, codependency. Romantic.

Anita touches him and then suddenly POW. DAMIAN IS SO BEAUTIFUL THEY MUST AVERT THEIR EYES. HE HAS MAGIC VAMPIRE HEALING POWERS THAT LIKE EVER VAMPIRE HAS BUT IT’S SUDDENLY A BIG DEAL BECAUSE BEAUTY.

Micah confirms that Damian is blindingly beautiful and that all of Damian’s flaws have now been fixed, like he’s had amazing beautifying plastic surgery.

I see. People’s flaws are horrible and disgusting. They must be gotten rid of. Because they cannot be loved while they have flaws.

LKH, you’ve got to pay attention to what you write. Because it’s awful and offensive and terribly written.

There’s a page of everyone confirming that Damian is indeed beautiful and then Richard telling Anita how she did it because the Belle vampire line have the powers to make people beautiful.

Wow. That’s such an important and necessary vampire power.

There’s two pages of people wondering how this happened and who did it. THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. I DO NOT CARE WHY DAMIAN IS SUDDENLY SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT NECESSARY. CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

Anita calls JC and he says that BM vamps get prettier sometimes. Anita tells him what happened and because JC has the brain cells of a dead paramecium he thinks this is interesting. Damian and JC talk in German which, ha, jokes on them, as Anita sort of speaks German.

Grandma Blake had spoken German to me from the cradle up. I’d taken it in high school as my language, because I was lazy and wanted a leg up.

And you didn’t take Spanish? When there’s a large Spanish community in your area? And your mother’s family is Mexican, so presumably you speak some Spanish anyway? Gee, Anita, you’re kinda stupid. You already speak German, you don’t speak to Germans on a regular basis, you’re not in an area where German is needed, and you weren’t planing on taking an exchange class to Germany or Austria. Taking German was a fucking waste, because after all that, Anita can’t understand that they’re saying.

JC plies praise on Anita as she’s got some amazing vampire powers that no one else has. Of course she does. She has amazing power that no one else has ever had as she’s the most special little snowflake that has ever existed. JC then gives her shit because she doesn’t love him enough to let him walk around in daylight. It also maybe makes her immortal or something.

or something

JC is angry that Anita had sex, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Anita has to raise the dead sometime soon or her magic will just start fucking shit up.

JC then makes creepy statements about how he’ll now conduct all his business in Italian so Anita can’t do a thing about him and what he does.

I should have lied about speaking Italian, but hell, as good as I’d gotten at lying, my first reaction was still to tell the truth. I guess you can’t undo all your upbringing, no matter how hard you try.

Yeah, right, you’re not a liar. And I guess your parents brought you up to be a horrible human being with no empathy for any other living creature.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’chapter twenty two


When I finished having hysterics and everyone had rinsed enough blood off them to be presentable, or at least not make my neighbors call the police, I got dressed.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. YOU HAVE NO NEIGHBORS. THAT’S WHY YOU GOT THIS HOUSE.

Micah had pointed out that we’d probably all be going to bed, so why bother getting dressed, but I needed clothes.

Then put on a t-shirt and a pair of PJ bottoms? Don’t you just have stuff for lounging around in? Casual clothes? Doesn’t Anita ever behave like a normal human being?

Black everything from the skin out, including the shoulder holster, Browning Hi-Power, and hidden under my hair the hilt of a really big knife.

SO EDGY. Ah, the reappearance of that stupid fucking knife that makes no sense whatsoever. But it’s cool and all sort of ninja-y so that’s okay I guess. *rolls eyes*

Micah tried to point out that I probably didn’t need that much weaponry to go into my own kitchen. I looked at him, and he stopped. No one else complained.

HA HA HA HA HA

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ISN’T SHE SO WITTY.

Anyway, Anita fusses about getting dressed because there’s SO MANY HAWT GUYS AROUND FOR LITTLE OLD HER and it’s too much for her delicate sensibilities.

Besides, Nathaniel promised he’d make coffee. I hated eating before ten o’clock, but coffee before ten was a necessity.

What time is this? When is this? Oh my god, this is all still the night/day after the wedding in the first few chapters. THERE HAS BEEN TWENTY CHAPTERS OF THIS NONSENSE.

LKH, you are not the genius you think you are. Your first draft is not gold. You have learnt nothing in your career as an author. If you knew a damn thing about the trade, you wouldn’t let this steaming turd be associated with your name.

Anita and Damian bicker back and forth for an entire page about his dressing gown. See, Anita doesn’t understand what a dressing gown is, even though a dressing gown is just the British term for a robe.

The editor should have just thrown this book in a shredder.

Anita comforts Damian that she’s not angry with him having no character but being a sex-mad rapist with sad puppy eyes. They try to sense each other’s feelings and Anita’s heart is broken because… I don’t know and I really don’t care. Maybe her breakfast (or dinner, because what time is this????) burrito was cold.

Micah came to stand in front of me. Once it had seemed odd to have such serious intelligence out of kitty-cat eyes. Now, they were just Micah’s eyes.

The phrase ‘kitty-cat eyes’ makes me want to punch things. It’s so ridiculously childish. Micah strokes her face and Anita wants to rub against it. She doesn’t and I have no idea why we have to hear about her thought process in minute detail. She then decides to rub against his hands. It seems nice and takes a half-page to do.

“I would spare you this, if you’d let me.”

Spare her what? What is even happening? The last TWELVE CHAPTERS have added absolutely nothing to the narrative. It does not form a substantive subplot and does not add to the main narrative – that hasn’t been mentioned for over a hundred pages.

Anita complains that men get weird after sex. That they get possessed or ‘just want a chance to do it again’. Well, the possessiveness comes from the fact that LKH decided to make all the love interests fucking awful abusers and rapists, and what’s wrong with wanting to have sex again? Is that considered weird? Isn’t that a sign that you’ve both had a good experience?

Nathaniel makes the decision for Anita that she won’t hide. I have no idea what she’s hiding from or why she can’t make a decision for herself.

Micah is upset that Anita is hurt. Presumably he’s angry that it was someone other than him did the hurting. I still have no idea what’s going on

Everyone makes jokes about coffee. This whole chapter should have been crossed out with an extremely large red pen.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty one


I screamed, and Richard’s mouth was suddenly on mine. He kissed me, a gentle press of lips, Fear thrilled through me, all the way to my fingertips, as if terror were an electric current. I shoved him away from me.

But he really wants to have sex, so I guess that means all this is okay.

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Anita starts to panic (OH SO SEXY) and Richard starts looking ‘eager, anticipatory’. So I guess women cringing in fear gets him hard then. A+ for enforcement of rape culture. He starts sniffing Anita and his eyes turn wolfish. Damian starts to freak and he clings to Anita’s leg, sending an image of bodies being pinned down and held down and they both start to scream.

Richard’s response is to physically tear Anita away from Damian, tearing up her skin a little, and making everyone freaks. Still, it stops her from actually screaming so I guess that means all this strong rape imagery is okay?

No, not really.

Richard pulled on my arm, sharp, sudden. It threw me off balance, and he used that momentary stumble to swing me in against his body, my arm behind my back with his hand still on my wrist. I should have been more interested int he pain, but it was the sensation of being suddenly pressed against his naked body that overwhelmed me.

Well, I guess if a woman is sexually attracted at all to a man who intends to rape her, that means it’s not rape. All this physical violence, Richard throwing Anita around as if she were just an object to stick his dick in, ignoring her entirely… Ah, l’amour.

Anyway, all this romantic violence makes Moroven pull away… because she was possessing them I guess? Interested in what the fuck is happening because of reasons? We’re twenty one chapters in, and there’s been nothing more about this vampire serial killer that’s targeting exotic dancers. Like, this is meant to be a mystery novel and there’s just chapter after chapter after chapter of extraneous character bullshit.

We’d both thrown down out shields to help Jean-Claude raise the ardeur and save us, but shields protect you from so many things.

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Anita then bursts in tears. Understandable after all this bullshit, but nope, it’s not about Anita.

It was Damian who answered, and his voice let me know that he was close before his hand patted my shoulder. “Richard hates himself more than he loves anyone else.”

Who gives a shit about his man pain?

Gregory is upset that there’s no rape happening and Micah throws Gregory out. So he did one good thing in his entire life. Give him a sticker. Micah’s ‘beast’ comes awake and it’s like a big, friendly domestic cat. Anita and Micah’s ‘beasts’ rub against each other and she describes Micah’s ‘arms could be home’.

Look, I understand that. Being held by someone you love is incredibly comforting. But why does Anita love Micah? What do they have in common? What do they enjoy doing, beside boning? What do they do together? How do they comfort each other? How do they cheer each other up? How do they react when the other is ill? Why do they have a connection?

*crickets chirping*

Yeah, thought not. Connection, intimacy, and chemistry is built on a lot more than just a desire to bone each other.

Nathanavile kisses Anita and begs her to not be sad. He cries crocodile tears.

What is love? Sometimes it’s just letting yourself be who and what you are, and letting the person you’re supposed to love be who and what he is, too. Or maybe, what and who they are.

Yeah, but I don’t buy it. Not one of your characters demonstrate that you understand how to portray love in a meaningful or realistic sense. They don’t even fart in front of each other.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter nineteen


I tried not to think in the shower. Thinking bad; hot water good.

Thinking is always bad for you, Anita. You just seem to be unable to do it at all times.

She’s healed up instantly, which is handy, and then Nathaniel bangs on the bathroom door because Damian is all fucked up again.

argh

what was the fucking point of the last few chapters if damian is INSTANTLY FUCKED UP AGAIN

forward momentum?? Where is it?? You can’t just repeat the same PLOT POINTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER ARGHHHHH

Anita wasn’t aware until Nathaniel told her and is now all full of a crushing sadness because… I dunno, who gives a fuck about Damian? Name me one unique personality trait that he has. She tries getting out the shower but then Gregory and Richard just dump Damian’s body in the room and she feels like she’s suffocating under the weight of his ~sadness~.

It’s lucky that Richard doesn’t have work or anything. It’s lucky that apparently NO ONE HAS A FUCKING JOB THAT WOULD STOP ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM TAKING PLACE. Damian just sort of lands on Anita and it’s just so bad all his sadness and fear.

I don’t give a shit about Damian’s fear. There’s nothing interesting about him. I don’t give a shit about his fear because I’m not invested in him. Anita, Richard, JC, Dolph, Zerbrowski – these are the characters we’re invested in, everyone else is secondary. So I don’t give a fuck if Damian is in fear because I don’t even really know who he is or why he’s even in these books.

Damian’s is all afraid of the vampire that made him and his hair is so long it’s like a blanket (???) (no seriously what the fuck) (JESUS CHRIST THESE HAIR LENGTHS) and Anita is out of Damian’s memory without hurting Nathaniel. Booo because everything in these books would be 100% if they were about hurting Nathaniel all the time. Damian grabs Nathaniel’s arms and now there’s warm golden sunlight everywhere. And they’re in Damian’s memories as when he was turned? I don’t care, and Damian starts to burn up a bit but Anita can’t notice because she’s lost in the totally immersive memories of really inaccurate Viking raids. People start screaming, and then Anita can smell pine trees which means Richard.

Well, yeah, he’s right there, he threw a naked dude at you.

Damian then starts screaming ‘Nemhain’ which is the secret name of the vampire that made him because LKH read Harry Potter and thought ‘hey look someone so scary people refuse to say their name what a cool idea I’m totally going to steal it’.

Everyone starts screaming and cursing Nemhain, so… um, good for them, I guess.

Edit this all out. Scrub it out. It adds absolutely nothing to this mess.

Anyway, screaming Nemhain’s name means that she’s now paying attention to everything that’s going on. For… reasons, because this exact thing happened with BM in Cerulean Sins and with MOAD in the same book, so I guess this is getting repeated all over again for no reason at all. And Damian is now dead in Anita’s arms.

I hate to break it to you but…

Anita FINALLY remembers that she’s a necromancer. Congrats! That only took you several books to remember. So Nemhain whatsit is dragging the life out of Damian but Anita, despite remembering that she has POWERS OVER THE DEAD AND CAN ANIMATE DAMIAN WITH HER OWN MAGIC, hasn’t got a single clue what she can do.

I didn’t know how to fight against nothing. I didn’t know what to do. We were dying, and I didn’t know what to do.

I dunno, do whatever you did when facing this exact same problem in the last book.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter eighteen


Gregory crawled to us on all fours, sniffing just above our bodies. He said in that growling voice, “Me next.”

Ok, he’s still a leopard, so that’s disgusting, and here’s something I’ve noticed: Anita never has safe sex. Considering that LKH makes a big deal about how she’s writing this big ol’adult world, full of consequences, it’s amazing how she’s over looking the fact that Anita might be pregnant and have some sort of super STD.

Shapeshifters look sort of like they do in the movies in half-man form, but there is one big difference. They have genitalia, and right at that moment Greggory was very, very happy to be here.

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Anita finds Gregory’s arousal disgusting and shouts at him to back off. Damian is now sad and Anita can feel how sad he is. Anita wants to get up and this makes Nathaniel guilt-trip her through vague metaphysical emotions. Micah then comes into the room and asks what happened. They chit-chat about how Damian is awake during the day and then he reminds us what he was doing. He was out helping that werewolf who was being a drunk asshole? And, well, it gets worse.

“When I drove the guy home from the bar, he had a live-in girlfriend and a child. Girlfriend started a fight about his drinking. Anger does not help you fight the change.”

“Did he shift?” I asked.

“No, but it was close, and he’s so new…” Micah shook his head again. “I’d feel better if the girlfriend was a little more understanding about how dangerous he could be. She just didn’t seem to understand.”

Oh, this is all her fault. That he went out, got so drunk he might have shifted, got so belligerent at the bar that he might have shifted, and then some fucking idiot rapist brought him back to a home WITH A FUCKING CHILD IN IT is all her fault.

I think Unnamed Girlfriend understands very much that he’s dangerous. That’s why she didn’t want him in the house or wanted him drinking. Because it’s not her fault that a newbie werewolf decided to go out and be a hazard to the public, or decided that even though he’s having trouble controlling his shifts, he’s going to get a human girlfriend with a young child. But it’s all her fault! A man can never be at fault!

Anyway, Richard remembers that he’s in the room and points out that human women just don’t seem to understand how mad, bad, and dangerous werewolves are.

LKH. ARE WEREWOLVES DANGEROUS OR NOT? ARE THEY OPPRESSED AGAINST OR NOT? ARE THEY VICTIMS OF DISCRIMINATION OR NOT? THEY CAN’T BE BOTH.

Richard is all, hey is that one of my wolves someone who is my responsibility and who Micah should have spoken to Richard about and got help from? And Micah is all yes but this is for the good of mankind or something because I am the wereleopard messiah. He’s like Jesus but, you know, a huge rapist asshole.

Anita then decides to have a shower because ‘I’d just had sex without a condom, which meant all the mess had gone into me, but it wouldn’t stay there’. EW.

I DID NOT NEED TO BE TOLD HOW DAMIAN’S SPLOOGE IS ROLLING DOWN ANITA’S LEG

She then thinks about how Tammy got pregnant on the pill but seeing as Anita doesn’t seem to be on the pill, I have no idea why she’s bringing it up. Micah is going to call for a doctor, although Anita’s neck wound seems to be doing fine considering that she’s not dead, and he points out that Clair is sat in Richard’s car crying.

Clair, by the way, is Richard’s girlfriend. Who was just almost attacked by a vampire and saw her boyfriend’s ex have sex in front of her.

Poor Clair.

Richard can’t go outside to comfort her, as he’s covered in too much blood. The neighbours would call the police, even though Anita got this house specifically because it’s alone in the middle of nowhere. LOGIC. But Micah, Manic Pixie Dream Jesus, is on the case. Anita hovers, unsure whether to kiss him, but he’s like GO GET YOUR SHOWER.

Man i love how she’s always unsure and insecure and needing to be ordered about by micah that’s so healthy

Micah seems to find something funny and Anita assumes that he must be laughing at her. Again, that’s a sure sign of a healthy relationship, where you assume your partner is mocking you all the time. She goes to walk upstairs, cautions Gregory against touching her ass, he calls her no fun, she says she’s plenty of fun, he calls her a bitch, she barks.

I presume hilarity was supposed to ensue. Needless to say, I didn’t find it amusing.

 

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter seventeen


Damian bucked so hard that he threw Nathaniel to one side. Richard’s weight alone wasn’t enough. Damian sat up, and Richard rolled off him to keep the vampire from sinking fangs into him again.

christ who gives a shit

Anita starts shouting and waving her arms around saying ‘I’m here!’ even though I thought she was helping pin him down? Let me check. *flips back a few pages* Uh, yeah. She’s helping Richard hold him down, so I have no clue where the fuck she is in the room and in relation to everyone else.

He rushed toward me, so fast he was a blur of white and red, and his eyes like green streaks. […] To say he smashed into me didn’t come close to the impact of flesh on flesh.

Wha? What the fuck is going on? And then Damian just decides to rip open Anita’s throat and then a wereleopard appears.

So… when are we getting back to the murder plot? Because this stuff with Damian is fucking pointless and repetitive. Anyway, Gregory isn’t dead, huzzah, and he’s trying to just rip Damian straight off Anita’s neck which would be the perfect way to kill her. Through having her throat ripped out.

“When I need your help, I’ll ask for it.”

I could tell Gregory was puzzled even through the fur. I wasn’t always good at facial expressions once my friends went furry.

Possibly because Anita can’t tell human emotions anyway and the fact that Gregory literally does not have a human face right now. Look, I know that animals have facial expressions and are expressive, but animal facial expressions mean different things. I don’t even think leopards are capable of looking puzzled?

Anita breathes ‘Damiannnnnn… this is all for you Damian’ and, like magic, he’s all better now. I bet he doesn’t even feel bad for attacking her.

I was suddenly aware in a way that I hadn’t been before that we were both nude, and he was male, and he had fed. His body was thick and heavy against my thigh, where a moment ago it hadn’t been. Blood pressure is a wonderful thing.

Damian just lost all control, attacked several of your friends, and viciously assaulted you. Your ex-partner is in the room, as is a man who are so in wuv with but won’t commit to. There’s a strange woman staring at you. So, naturally, Anita is like, let’s have sex, I’m well horny.

i don’t get these people why don’t they act like normal people

Anita is like I CAN FEEL THE PULSE OF LIFE AND MAGIC and Damian starts stroking her and he’s soooooo lonely that it makes her cry. She whispers ‘Blood of my blood’, for some reason, and they start kissing and she’s like, yeah, sex. We must have it now. Nathaniel now reappears again and is ready for some sex that’s really going to make the GUESTS WHO ARE IN THE ROOM AND STARING really uncomfortable.

but yeah Anita has to ‘bind’ Damian to her even though… we’ve never seen this happen before? Like, it didn’t happen with JC, Richard, and Anita. They just dry humped all over the floor.

Richard then points out that he’s there, and Damian growls and grips Anita’s throat tighter. Anita does some stupid magic words that mean nothing, the ardeur flares up and Damian is like, well my penis is inside you now, and Anita starts instantly writhing around all over the floor and screaming. Like, as soon as his tiny, tiny penis touches her hoona.

For a book series that is lauded as being such great erotica and so sensual, why does Anita act like every female porn star (correction, how every female porn star is forced to act) in every single straight porn ever? People do not start thrashing around and screaming from the second penetrative sex starts. That’s… that’s not how sex works. Ever.

Plus that Clair woman is still in the room. Just watching this happen. And unable to get out of the house now.

Damian then grabs at Anita’s face, forces her to look at him because THERE CAN’T BE A SINGLE FUCKING SEX SCENE THAT DOESN’T SEEM RAPEY, and then thrust away so hard that Anita starts screaming again, and Nathaniel is just sort of… there, and Anita’s convulsing everywhere, as if she’s having a fit. Has Damian even let go of her neck? I can’t tell. Damian is just sort of arched above her and they’re all ‘caught in an endless loop of pleasure’.

Even though he just stuck his penis inside her and is doing nothing else. Pfft. That’s terrible sex. That is really bad sex. This is really boring sex. And this is supposedly daring, innovative erotica? HAH.

We ended in a sweating, bloody pile on the floor.

Is no one stopping Anita’s open neck wound? She must have a literal hole in her neck.

I turned my head and found that Richard was still there, but it wasn’t fear on his face now, but a sort of wonderment.

…. I really think that Anita can’t read human facial expressions, at all.

I was naked in the middle of sex with one man, maybe two, depending on how you counted things, yet, suddenly I had the moral high ground. Weird.

I wish to purify this earth with fire.

Poor Clair. She almost got eaten by a crazed vampire and now has to watch this… thing happen.