A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter twenty three


This is a twenty page chapter so buckle up folks. I’m guessing this chapter will not be a return to the A plot, but a continued ramble of bullshit

Nathaniel’s attempt to make me laugh accomplished one thing; it made me feel better, though I have to admit the smell of freshly ground coffee helped lure me through the door. I couldn’t let one ex-fiance stand between me and my coffee, could I? Not and keep my self-respect, so in we went.

What the shit is going on. What time is this taking place. When. What. How.

Richard was sitting at the kitchen table on the side nearest the door. Dr Lillian was standing over the finishing the bandaging of his entire right shoulder and arm.

He was so injured that it barely stopped him from having sex and long conversations. Anyway, Anita is surprised that a medical professional acts like a medical professional. There’s a body guard lurking around because Marcus died (Marcus was a doctor? I don’t know who he is? What the fuck?) and he’s like dripping in knives. Even though he’s a were-animal and has like mad strength.

Anita freaks because she’s clearly going to die, as even though Fredo ‘was on our side, but he was definitely a bad guy’. Who the fuck is Fredo? The bodyguard? Have we met him before, at all? You can’t drop a character name and just expect us to know them because Anita does. NEWSFLASH: I am not Anita, and I’m glad for it. Character knowledge does not equal reader knowledge. Anita panics as her claustrophobia starts to kick in. I want to know how all these people got in the house without Anita’s knowledge. Damian starts to touch her but Anita starts to Hulk up as ‘I need to be angry right now, Damian, it’s all I’ve got’.

I have no idea what’s happening. Anita’s angry about something, but she’s always angry.

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Me too, Bruce, me too.

Dr Lillian demands that everyone give Anita space and some air as her claustrophobia is just sooooooooooo bad you guise, yeah this claustrophobia that she never had until a couple of books ago.

Anita heads out on the deck and flails about seeing colours and panicking and just generally being useless. You see, the tri force is now a five force, as she tied herself to Damian and Nathaniel. Yes, she is now permanently linked to those two wastes of ink.

Dr Lillian orgasms over how amazing Anita is.

“I know you are a constant amazement to the wererats. We never know what you’re going to do next.”

Whine, have sex, flail around, get injured, say disgusting things. That’s about it. Anita heads back inside and Fredo goes all ‘grrrr’.

The white roses that Jean-Claude sent every week framed Fredo’s darkness.

Oh, yeah, he’s a wererat, so he’s Latino. Just to point out how he’s all ‘dark’ and shit, and he’s all super dark against the whitey white roses. Just to prove that LKH puts no thought into her words whatsoever. Anita skulks around the kitchen, wary of the scary brown man.

The days when I would have picked a fight just to reassure myself I was still tough were long ago and far away.

giphy

Being a girl, that phase had been shorter anyway. We are much more practical creatures than men, as a general rule.

Of course, men are just big helpless babies that have to be looked after by women. Because that’s a woman’s job. This sort of shit isn’t feminist fam.

Damien, who hasn’t been the centre of attention for five minutes, has decided to wedge himself between the cabinets.Basically, Damian couldn’t cope that Anita was out the room for two seconds. Ah, codependency. Romantic.

Anita touches him and then suddenly POW. DAMIAN IS SO BEAUTIFUL THEY MUST AVERT THEIR EYES. HE HAS MAGIC VAMPIRE HEALING POWERS THAT LIKE EVER VAMPIRE HAS BUT IT’S SUDDENLY A BIG DEAL BECAUSE BEAUTY.

Micah confirms that Damian is blindingly beautiful and that all of Damian’s flaws have now been fixed, like he’s had amazing beautifying plastic surgery.

I see. People’s flaws are horrible and disgusting. They must be gotten rid of. Because they cannot be loved while they have flaws.

LKH, you’ve got to pay attention to what you write. Because it’s awful and offensive and terribly written.

There’s a page of everyone confirming that Damian is indeed beautiful and then Richard telling Anita how she did it because the Belle vampire line have the powers to make people beautiful.

Wow. That’s such an important and necessary vampire power.

There’s two pages of people wondering how this happened and who did it. THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. I DO NOT CARE WHY DAMIAN IS SUDDENLY SO BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT NECESSARY. CUT THIS SHIT OUT.

Anita calls JC and he says that BM vamps get prettier sometimes. Anita tells him what happened and because JC has the brain cells of a dead paramecium he thinks this is interesting. Damian and JC talk in German which, ha, jokes on them, as Anita sort of speaks German.

Grandma Blake had spoken German to me from the cradle up. I’d taken it in high school as my language, because I was lazy and wanted a leg up.

And you didn’t take Spanish? When there’s a large Spanish community in your area? And your mother’s family is Mexican, so presumably you speak some Spanish anyway? Gee, Anita, you’re kinda stupid. You already speak German, you don’t speak to Germans on a regular basis, you’re not in an area where German is needed, and you weren’t planing on taking an exchange class to Germany or Austria. Taking German was a fucking waste, because after all that, Anita can’t understand that they’re saying.

JC plies praise on Anita as she’s got some amazing vampire powers that no one else has. Of course she does. She has amazing power that no one else has ever had as she’s the most special little snowflake that has ever existed. JC then gives her shit because she doesn’t love him enough to let him walk around in daylight. It also maybe makes her immortal or something.

or something

JC is angry that Anita had sex, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Anita has to raise the dead sometime soon or her magic will just start fucking shit up.

JC then makes creepy statements about how he’ll now conduct all his business in Italian so Anita can’t do a thing about him and what he does.

I should have lied about speaking Italian, but hell, as good as I’d gotten at lying, my first reaction was still to tell the truth. I guess you can’t undo all your upbringing, no matter how hard you try.

Yeah, right, you’re not a liar. And I guess your parents brought you up to be a horrible human being with no empathy for any other living creature.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twenty three


Anita wakes up to DRAMATIC THINGS HAPPENING. Basically, shit is going down with Nathaniel and Gregory. Their father tried to contact them, and apparently ‘[their] father is the one that pimped him and Stephen out when they were children’.

“Every time I think I’ve heard the worst of people, I’m wrong,” Micah said.

Thanks for making this about you, Micah.

Now, you may have noticed that I am taking a less-than-serious tone here when in the past I’ve always been extremely serious whenever this series decides to tackle issues such as child abuse. Which it does far too often. Well, the fact is that Anita supposedly knows that Nathaniel was abused as a child – when he has never said so, it’s never been in the text before, and this has come straight out of nowhere. He was said to be abused as a teenager, and Gregory, while being involved with Gabriel and Raina, did not appear to have suffered the same level of abuse as Nathaniel.

To me, it reads as a cheap attempt at sensationalism and making the series edgy and dark. And it’s annoying. This is a series about hunting down evil vampires – you don’t need to add sensationalism to make it dark! It already is!

Seeing as Nathaniel has been through such a traumatic event, Cherry and Zane dress and prep him for sexy times with Anita in bed.

Anita then stares at Micah all lustily and wants to fuck him. Um. One of the people you are closest to in the world (supposedly, seeing as I still maintain he’s just using her) has just had an extremely triggering experience… so you think OH BOY MY RAPIST BOYFRIEND IS INCREDIBLY HOT!

Micah had pulled a polo shirt out of the communal drawer. It was one I’d bought with him in mind, a deep rich forest green. It brought out the green in his eyes. But the shirt fit both of us, as most of our shirts did. Our casual clothes had become common property – only the dress-up clothes were strictly his and hers.

Wow, that’s not normal. That’s incredibly creepy. Love is not subsuming your identity to your partner.

Micah is going to comfort Gregory and Anita is now worried, but only a little bit, because that would involve caring about another human being. She frets about it for like two seconds and then collapses to sleep.

I’m going to go back to playing Rollercoaster Tycoon. Wake me up when the plot actually starts moving forwards.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter twenty three


ETA: The formatting gets bad because wordpress hates it when I copy in definitions. I don’t know why, and I can’t change it, so hopefully your eyeballs will recover.

The lupanar was a large clearing 100 yards by 150 yards.

why?

What is the point of that? An exact measurement? What, did you go around with a tape measure on the weekend? Not to ignore the redundancy of opening another chapter by going on how big a space is. Can’t you just say it was the size of a football pitch or a tennis court?

The clearing is full of torches, because no one’s going to notice that and wonder what’s happening, and there’s a ‘spill’ of silk across the great stone throne that was stolen from the indigenous tribes of the area. The werewolves are stood in a big circle, with a single opening left for the swans, rats, and leopards. The circle closes behind Anita & the gang as they come inside.

There’s a curtain up in the trees which are… now inside the circle, and Sylvie and Jacob come out from behind it. Anita looks at Jacob and decides that yes, he is attractive to her.

Richard came next, and he moved in his own vibrating spill of power.

Spill

verb (used with object), spilled or spilt, spill·ing.

1. to cause or allow to run or fall from a container, especially accidentally or wastefully: to spill a bag of marbles; to spill milk.
2. to shed (blood), as in killing or wounding.
3. to scatter: to spill papers all over everything.
4. Nautical  :

a. to let the wind out of (a sail).
b. to lose (wind) from a sail.
5. to cause to fall from a horse, vehicle, or the like: His horse spilled him.
Hmm, I don’t think a single one of those definitions is appropriate for that sentence.
Richard is very angry. Anita sighs about how wonderful his hair looks in firelight. *clicks fingers in Anita’s face* Hello, you’re here to rescue Gregory from being murdered. Get on with it.
I had one of those moments of clarity that comes sometimes. There was nothing that any of us could do to Richard to make him truly harsh.
I don’t like that word being there. I don’t think harsh works. ‘Cruel’. ‘Vindictive’. Those would be better. Jamil and Shang-Da stand either side of the throne. They look good. Anita stares at Sylvie and thinks about Sylvie’s collection of bones harvested from her enemies. I like Sylvie. I wish she was the main protagonist.
“We gather here tonight to say goodbye to our lupa and to chose another.”
Something Richard has been doing since, what, book six or seven? Anita was already disavowed from being lupa!
“We are here to stand in final judgement for one who has wronged our pack by taking our lupa from us.”
Despite the fact she’s stood in front of you. Idiots.
“We are also here to give the leopards’ Nimir-Ra a last chance to win back her cat.”
This makes no sense!
oh my god
Richard asks Rafael why the rats are here and Rafael says that Anita saved his life so he’s backing her on this one. Jacob sneers about how Rafael has ‘destroyed [his] people’ because he’s not even trying to hide that he’s eeeeevvvvviiiiiillllll. Rafael announces that his loyalty to the werewolves will only stand if Richard is their leader. This shocks Jacob into realising everyone knows how he plans to become packmaster!!!!!
It was so obvious, dude. You were only kidding yourself.
Also: Cue, evil sexy woman.
A woman’s voice came from the right, clear and ringing like she’d had stage training. “Aren’t we getting distracted from the business at hand? I for one am very interested in choosing the new lupa.”
The woman was tall, but built all of curves –
– voluptuous the way that movie stars in the fifties had been. She seemed soft, feminine, yet she stalked over the ground in a swaying glide, half sex on the hoof and half predatory, like she’d lure you in by playing victim, fuck you till you cried for mercy, then eat your face off.
She was even wearing a dress, one that clung to her curves and had a neckline so low that you knew she had to be wearing a bra. Breasts that size didn’t do perky without some help. She talked barefoot, her deep red hair styled and perfect, falling just above her shoulders in a burnished shine.
Just admit you’re bisexual, Anita, you’ll be much happier.
The unnamed woman pants all over Richard so Anita starts stroking her knives and thinks about killing her. Anita, he’s been looking for a new lupa for several books now, you can’t be jealous. And why was he looking for another lupa in Tennessee, if he could pick one back at home? Richard orders ‘Paris’ to go away, and then lets Sylvie throw her back in place. Paris then makes a crack about Sylvie’s rape.
Ha, ha, it is to laugh.
Richard then asks why Donovan is here, and he explains Anita saved him. Jacob makes a joke about how Anita seems to save every shapeshifter she meets. Why would Jacob even try to be subtle about his motivations? That would make him a boring character! It’s much better to have every character announce their intentions as loudly as possible.
Sylvie then makes everyone who has ever been saved by Anita raise their hands oh god this is stupid. Stop fapping, LKH. No one behaves like this. It’s stupid. They all go on about how amazing she is and how she’s saved them all and they can’t possibly ever loose her.
Jacob points out that he hasn’t even seen her before and she hasn’t been around the pack in five months  a year and a half. Anita is grateful and acknowledges that she is a mere human. But no more, because she’s totally definitely going to become a wereleopard. For serious, guys.  She then points out how ridiculous it is to try Gregory for murder when she is not dead.
Anita says she’s only going as lupa because they don’t want her. No, you’re going as lupa because you’re not Richard’s girlfriend any more. ARGHHHH. She then goes on about how she’s doing such an amazing job with the leopards.
Jacob points out the pack has already voted so they’re punishing Gregory anyway unless she can win him back. She can’t win him back unless she stops being lupa and that takes a big ceremony. Sylvie says she can refuse to step down (SHE STEPPED DOWN SEVERAL BOOKS AGO). If she does, she must fight with any potential lupa or have sex with Richard on the throne. In front of the pack.
Anita says she’s not into public sex – hahaha you’ve already done that before – and then Richard says that their beasts must have a mystical connection, like Anita has with Micah. And like how Anita has with Richard, seeing as they have the triforce and all.
“I should have known you’d have that kind of bond with your mate. You’re more powerful as a human than most true lupas.”
of course Anita is the greatest lupa that ever lived ever.
Anita asks whether this means Richard wanted her to be an actual werewolf (what?)  and sends out her beast to Richard’s. They spark against each other. This means that the marks of the triforce are now married, even though I’m pretty sure that already happened.
i have no idea what's going on
Anita tries to touch Richard with POWER and with her hand.
“No, Anita,” he said, “no, if we can’t ever touch again, I don’t want to feel your beast. We may not be the same animal, but it will be more than anything we’ve ever had between us. I couldn’t bear it.”
I hate this book.
Anita wants to cry because now she’s perfect for Richard and they can never touch again. For vague reasons of vagueness.
Only twenty two chapters left. Will the real plot please stand up?

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Obsidian Butterfly’ chapter twenty three PART TWO


I wasn’t having a great night. First, I let the nice lady be mind-raped, then I terrorized drunken tourists. I would have said, how could the night get worse, but worse was waiting.

She’s talking about the other two women. Who have also been mindraped. Why haven’t you got any sympathy for them?

Anita walks to the man in the g-string who instantly fawns over her and proclaims ‘My hero, thank you’.

Yes, that poor man, who is being groped by mindraped women as part of a stage show.

Anita is instantly turned on by the man in the g-string fawning over her, and he rubs his face in her hair. He reveals his name to be César and he smells good. And she knows that he is a shapeshifter to boot.

Shapeshifters always recognize each other.

You are not a shapeshifter, Anita. Just say your magic powers can tell.

Anita can tell that César is another member of a vampire triumvirate and that they are both sad. He then strokes her and fills her with POWER. They smush faces and this is sexy. I feel sorry for everyone who paid cover to watch this. Anita thinks about sex and then pushes him away. He apologises, then arranges to meet up backstage.

César returns to groping mindraped women. The priest makes Anita move closer, although… no one has been doing any walking. LKH has not mentioned anyone moving on stage, and now the mindraped women and César are having a mini-orgy. This is the most horrible show. Who pays money to see a rape orgy?

Some random woman jumps up on stage and a jaguar drags off one of the mindraped women. All the mindraped women are dragged away and replaced by actors for the orgy.

The actors weren’t really doing anything, but it must have looked awful from the audience’s point of view. Clothes flew and the women were topless. I wondered if the shadows looked as topless as the real thing.

Ignoring the monumental stupidity of that last sentence, if the show looks so awful, why does it exist?

The high priest apologises to Anita for this, saying they wouldn’t have chosen her if she wasn’t human and they were unable to tell before now…. because reasons. He doesn’t apologise for the massive rape that took place, but who cares about that? It’s more important for the priest to brutally slaughter the werejaguar who chose Anita in front of a room of tourists.

Anita jumps in by saying she isn’t a lycanthrope, which is proclaimed as lies, although the WEREJAGUAR AND THE VAMPIRE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL. He calls César over who says that as she was turned on that means she’s a shapeshifter.

I tried to think of a short version that would make sense. I made two starts, before I finally said, “There is too much. I will sum up.” I even threw in a bad Spanish accent.

The priest’s face stayed blank and unhappy. He did not get the movie reference. César choked back another laugh. He’d probably seen The Princess Bride.

Making move references when you are fighting to save an innocent man’s life is a bullshit thing to do. And yeah, forgive the centuries old Aztec man for not knowing The Princess Bride. He probably took offence at your dodgy Spanish accent or it brought back bad memories of the colonial forces that devastated his culture and killed his people! So fuck your face and your movie references! They are not smart or clever! Why can’t you just say ‘I’m in a triumvirate’? People don’t give a shit about your life, Anita, they’re not going to look through that clever disguise and instantly know it’s you!

The priest slashes the werejaguar, César whines, Anita touches people, she pulls out a knife, werejaguars stalk at her, the priest has an obsidian blade, Anita just makes everything worse and knows it, and throws her hand on the priest’s blade. She says that because she can’t heal quickly, she’s obviously not a shapeshifter. The priest licks her blood from the knife.

And now the mindraped women are brought back on stage, and Anita goes up with them. They are ordered to strip. Anita only cares about Ramona, and tries to stop her. César jumps in to say all the women have to be naked. Anita refuses so he tries to rip her clothes from her body. He bites her and Anita stops this by… lighting pushing on his chin.

Right.

This stops César so he goes and assaults another woman. Romana then wakes up and starts screaming. She has to be dragged off-stage and handed over to who I presume is her boyfriend, who must have found the whole show so fun.

I would have to talk to someone about her. I couldn’t leave town without knowing that the mind tricks weren’t permanent.

BULLSHIT

The conflict in the very first book is kicked off because mindraping is NOT REVERSIBLE. Catherine was mindraped, and that meant the vampire had permanent control over her for the rest of her life. That was your establishing conflict to get Anita involved in the crime plot! How did you forget this?

César then licks Anita’s bleeding hand and she goes back to her group.

Dallas actually got up from her chair and came to talk to me, hanging over the back of my chair. “What happened back there? I’ve been a volunteer, and I’ve never seen anyone hurt.”

For a start, Dallas, you know what happened. You saw what happened. And bullshit much? You have watched a succession of women get mindraped and sexually assaulted. You yourself have been mindraped and sexually assaulted. And this is supposed to be an entertaining stage show?

Anita and Edward talk shit about his ‘plan’ and that he doesn’t have one and it’s pointless.

The stage show concludes and then a waitress brings the gang their meal. Um, what kind of fucking nightclub is this? No dance floor, no bar, a rape orgy, and then a meal. What type of ‘club’ is this? What kind of place do you go out, watch a show, and then have a meal served to you? This is not a nightclub! This is a very fucked up restaurant!

Anita then bitches because she’s served… veal. And each time it comes up, it’s called that. The characters have a conversation about… veal. Personally, I really like veal. Sue me, I enjoy eating baby animals, and the UK has very strict rules on the welfare of animals that are going to be slaughtered. However, methods are far more cruel in America, where the use of crates is not illegal in 41 states. Anita says she doesn’t like veal because of the cruelty, but I don’t buy that from a woman who hasn’t fed her fish in over seven books. Those things must be floating blobs of goo by now.

She also says that she hates the texture, although she likes beef so I don’t know what she’s bitching about.

I took a forkful of an unrecognisable vegetable, then realized it was sweet potatoes. I didn’t recognize the spices in them. Of course, cooking wasn’t exactly my area of expertise.

Aren’t sweet potatoes more popular in the south east, rather than the south west? And who the fuck cooks for you, Anita? You have to cook for yourself at some point. You don’t just stare at food until you feel full. Why not say ‘I’m not familiar with southwestern food’? Or talk about the fact that you don’t like Mexican food? Why is every single thing about these books wrong?

Edward and Anita both don’t eat the… veal, and this means it is vaguely suspicious for some reason. And then there’s going to be another show on and ooooohhhh it’s all suspicious and shit.

I don’t understand why this book is considered a highlight of the series.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Obsidian Butterfly’ chapter twenty three


This might be the very first chapter I’ve ever had to split up because it’s almost forty pages. I’m guessing from this point I’ll probably have to start splitting up chapters often. Bleugh. Why aren’t these chapters in good, spork sized chunks?

Anita pegs Obsidian Butterfly as a tourist trap which is bad for undefined reasons.

The building was done in faux-Aztec temple. Or for all I knew real Aztec temple.

Did your mother used to beat your head into a wall? How come you are this stupid? It cannot possibly be an actual Aztec temple. The Aztecs did not live in New Mexico. And you couldn’t turn an actual Aztec temple into a nightclub. There are many reasons why that would not work.

The place is covered in red neon, which makes it sound as tacky as hell. Well, more than it already did. It sounds like a novelty restaurant in a zoo. Anita notices that everyone else seems to be in couples, and that she’s the only woman with a group of guys, which means that LKH has obviously never been in a nightclub. Most people go out to nightclubs with their friends (and or a partner). Three guys and a girl isn’t going to be noticeable in a nightclub. Not when most people go in gender gangs.

[Edward] walked to he head of line where a large, broad-shouldered man of very Indian –

Native American.

– descent stood bare-chested, wearing what looked like a skirt but probably wasn’t –

I repeat my question: did your mother used to beat your head into a wall?

– and a heavy faux-gold collar that covered most of his shoulders like a mantle. He was wearing a crown covered in macaw feathers and other smaller feathers that I couldn’t identify.

The outfit of the bouncer doesn’t seem very authentic, aside from the headdress of bird feathers. To me, it sounds more like…

Well, as long as they’re both brown people.

Plus, you’re all arseholes for jumping to the front of the queue.

Edward explains they’re part of Professor Dallas’s party. Now, most of the bouncers I know would say ‘Go to the end of the queue mate, you should have arrived with her’. The bouncer asks for their names and ID, and Anita openly panics about not having her ID. I’m sure we’ve all done the ‘shit I haven’t got any ID on me’ dance, and the bouncer ought to recognise it. He definitely should be suspicious when Edward makes a big deal about pulling out Anita’s missing ID from his pocket.

It was a New Mexico license with an address that I didn’t know. But it was my picture, and it said Anita Lee. The height, weight, and the rest were accurate, just the name and address were wrong.

Thank you for explaining to me that it is, in fact, a fake ID, Milhouse.

The four of them are let inside, going into a room full of curtains and incense that magically isn’t a fire hazard. They are checked for weapons, and a man with feathers in his hair seems to like Bernardo. Bernardo has a gun hidden in the bulge of his trousers, something I don’t think possible because I’m not sure how many blokes have square penises.

Inside the club itself, the room has been made into a mock temple setting, with the tables being stone altars. That I find confusing. Why is a nightclub full of tables? Where is the room for the dancefloor? There’s a ‘stage’ area which makes me think this is another stupid strip club and that makes me… I’m just so pissed of vampires running strip clubs. Unless you made it a vampire running an incredibly sleazy and grimy place. Like…

like Titty Twister in From Dusk till Dawn.

Oh, I know NOW why this book is Aztec themed. You HACK. YOU ABSOLUTE HACK. YOU SAW THIS FILM, THOUGHT THE THEME WAS COOL, AND STOLE IT FOR YOUR BOOK.

HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

It was as if someone had sliced off the top of a pyramid temple and transported it here to this night club, in a city so far removed from the lush jungles where the building began that the stones themselves must be lonely.

Now, there is a jungle in Mexico. However, the Aztec themselves were not a people who tended to live in jungles. That would be many other central American and South American tribes.

HACK.

A waitress in a qipao – for some reason – takes them to Professor Dallas’s table. She’s short and dressed exactly as a hack would imagine a professor to look like. Everyone sits down and a man in another stereotypically pre-Columbian Mexican outfit comes onto the stage. He puts MAGIC POWER on everyone. Everyone apart from Anita, because she’s special.

The man on stage (‘king or high priest’ oh give me a break) says that it’s a special month and they need a chosen one. Anita works out that the guy is a human servant, and a pretty powerful one at that.

Most vamps, where they can, do tricks with their voices. The words themselves hold the key. They say beautiful, and you see beauty. They say terror, and you feel afraid.

That was more effective when Terry Pratchett did it in Lords and Ladies.

The man on stage announces that they have seen some guy as the god Tezcathpoca and now they will see him as a man. Then some guy wearing a g-string comes on stage and is… sexy? I dunno. This show sounds pretty boring. But seeing as everyone is entranced by MAGIC they automatically think it’s wonderful.

I’d be really sad as a vampire if people couldn’t like my talents for what they were without the influence of magic. What’s the point of doing anything, if no one can truly appreciate it?

And then it’s announced that the man-god in a g-string needs a bride and men in animal skins come out to get women to come on stage.

A man passed within touching distance of our table, and I saw the black rosettes that decorate the golden skin more closely, and it wasn’t a leopard. I was spending a lot of time with St. Louis’ wereleopards.

Well, it can’t be a leopard skin seeing as leopards are Eurasian. You’re such a moron.

She talks about sex and describes the skin some more for about a page before realising that duh, it’s jaguar fur.

god you’re so stupid

Anita then realises that they’re all werejaguars DUN DUN DUN. This is based on the fact that they are wearing jaguar skins otherwise ‘the costumes were like the ultimate false advertising’.

YOU’RE A FUCKING NECROMANCER YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL

Of course, Anita gets picked out instantly. She refuses, but the weak argument of ‘you have long hair’ is enough to win her around. Um, aren’t you supposed to be incognito so the incredibly powerful vampire doesn’t realise you’re here?

I was a tourist. A tourist would go.

I wouldn’t go. I don’t like being dragged onto stage to perform in front of people if I haven’t chosen to do so.

Anita stands with the women on stage, next to a fat one who is probably going to be the butt of some sort of cruel joke. The other women, who are all giggling, then stroke the body of the man in the g-string, despite that being illegal and not allowed in this sort of act. Anita and Ramona refuse to do this. The priest mindrapes Ramona into complying.

It was illegal to force anyone to do anything against their will by use of magic.

That’s funny, because that’s what your boyfriend does every night. Anita then says how much it doesn’t bother her that her boyfriend enjoys raping the minds of women for fun and profit because she is a horrible person and an appalling character that should never have been published.

The man-god is having his private parts groped by the mindraped women – not fat old Ramona, who has to stand on the side of the stage, having her mind forcefully controlled. Anita wades on in to pull the man off the women and then pulls on a woman’s arm to cause her enough pain to make her let go. She inflicts enough pain on this innocent woman to make her scream.

If you care so much about this, why don’t you stop the priest who is mindraping everyone?

I spoke low, but my voice carried. The stage had great acoustics. “My turn.”

…. and we’ll leave the rest of the crazy tomorrow. I think that’s enough for now. I have a feeling it’s going to get even worse.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter twenty three


Had a wee setback on the whole mental health thing today. A homeless man asked me for money when I took a break to get some fries, and kept on asking and asking and I just felt so guilty that here I was, epitome of the heartless imperialism of the capitalist system, having to ignore for my own comfort the person right next to me. Like, hanging on my shoulder. I burst into tears and wandered to a local policeman. I had to tell on this man who was just trying to get somewhere to sleep, something I take for granted. I take everything for granted. I sit surrounded by the debris of the system that crushes people and countries, and I actually felt annoyed that I may have to give away my money. I felt absolute disgust for myself.

Save to say, I feel nothing but a dejected contempt for myself. Which is fun and totally the mindset to throw myself into LKH’s world.

Yay.

Anita is sleeping on the floor. Her bed has been taken up by Cherry, Zane, and Nathaniel.

I’d been informed that the physical closeness of your group, whatever the animal flavor, was healing both emotionally and physically.

TYPE. SPECIES. VARIETY. BREED. CAST. CLASS. EXTRACTION. STRAIN. CATEGORY. NUMBER. These are all great words to use to describe a type of wereanimal. ‘Flavor’ is a terrible word to use. The English language has such a wonderful array of word. Use them. Use them please.

And this seems to be further evidence that Anita or her creator are aliens from the spoon world masquerading as a person. Physical closeness can be emotionally healing for… all animals. Anita, as an adult human woman-child, should know this.

And why are all the wereanimals sleeping in Anita’s cabin anyway?

because Nathaniel had hysterics at the thought of being without me.

That’s not healthy. That is not healthy in so many ways. Don’t encourage him in this!

Jason comes into the room, helpfully clad in boxer shorts after Anita had to tell all the wereanimals that it’s not okay to sleep naked. Because adults in today’s society clearly don’t have the intelligence to think that sleeping in the nude is probably not going to be acceptable if they just happen to become an animal for a few days of the month. They’re just stupid that way. Jason is not allowed to sleep with the other wereanimals because Cherry thinks he is going to grope her in her sleep. I don’t doubt he would, either.

Jason sits down and –

His hair was straight enough and baby fine enough that his hands could smooth the hair into place.

People can smooth their hair into place quite easily. It may not be neat and it may not be straight, but even I, with my unruly thatch of hair, can smooth it down and into ‘place’ without having to be praised for it.

I was wearing an oversized sleeping shirt that hit me at midcalf. One size does not fit all, but it was still nightclothes, and I wanted something between me and anyone else.

That’s not an oversized sleeping shirt. That is the shirt of a fucking giant. Anita is five three. To come up to mid-calf, that shirt has to be at least four and a half feet long. That’s not a sleeping shirt. That’s a full nightgown. I think this is supposed to make me think of how teeeeeeeny tiny Anita is, but it’s backfired. My sleeping shirt goes to the top of my thighs. I now think Anita is about three foot tall.

Anita then stares down at Cherry’s tits, and comments that her nipples are hard.

Jason then stares at Cherry’s tits.

More than lust, maybe? Or the way you look at a really fine work of art, admiring it because you’re not allowed to touch.

So, blatant objectification then. Goodo.

Anita describes the others as not ‘giving nearly as good a show’, and I want to smack her in the face. They stare down at them, until Anita has had enough of it and walks to the other side of the room with Jason. He then blathers on about how everyone findes her soooooooo scary and whatever.

She then goes on about how bad she feels about what she’s done because of ~*dreams*~. Again, whatever.

Richard was apparently horrified by what happened, which I find hard to believe, while everyone thought she was seriously tuff and totes justified in butchering twenty five vampires without legal permission to do so. And that Colin is just going to be so scared that he is not going to even try getting back at Anita, ever. Oh, and that Nikki was a lying liar who lied.

I hated it when I did something so inhuman and couldn’t blame anyone else for it.

Grow up Anita. Don’t blame other people for what you do.

Jason notices that ANITA SAD and wanks over how much good she did and how she saved his life and how she saved everyone and how amazing she is and how everyone is with her to keep her safe as she’s so precious. Sorry, ~*precious*~. They then hug (hey, I thought only wereanimals needed comfort, Anita) and then all the wereanimals wake up and come on over.

Cherry held Nathaniel’s hand, leading him like a child. But he didn’t look like a child as he padded towards us, naked.

Stop trying to make me think ‘sexy’ should be used in conjunction with ‘children’, LKH. Please stop it. It’s disgusting.

Undies would have hurt the upper thigh wound.

…. how. If the wound was bandaged, then how will the leg of a boxer short damage the wound? It’s hardly going to be tight, as the wound isn’t in his groin, and on yeah, he’s a wereleopard, it’s going to be almost entirely healed by now anyway.

Now, as he came towards us, it was clear that he wasn’t completely unhappy to see me.

So, he’s got an erection. Just say he has an erection. There’s no reason to be so coy about it.

Or maybe it was waking up next to Cherry, or maybe it was just a guy thing. Either way, I didn’t like it.

You are aware of a phenomenon called ‘morning wood’, right? Or are you such a sheltered goody goody good girl (who knows all about teh sechs) that you are unaware of what a gentleman’s ‘pee pee’ naturally does?

Anyway, Anita seems to believe that this is all leading up to her rape so hides behind Jason, who is also sporting a massive erection. Anita freaks out and hides by turning her back on them, so Jason has to comfort her, again, that she is the most amazing person who lived an amazing life ever. This naturally leads Zane to talk about how Gabriel saved his life because they were junkies and he stopped that.

On, apart from Cherry. Cherry lost her leg in a car accident and Gabriel turned her into a wereleopard so it could grow back. Which makes NO SENSE. She lost her job as she was suddenly outed as a wereanimal. You’d think everyone would have realised she was a wereanimal when HER FUCKING LEG GREW BACK. THAT’S THE KIND OF THING PEOPLE FUCKING NOTICE. IT’S NOT LIKE A LEG GROWING BACK BY ITSELF WOULD *EVER* PASS BY UNNOTICED.

This, it turns out, is one great big wank session for Anita as while Gabriel cared for them, he never risked his life for them. And they talk about whether she loves Asher or not (which she doesn’t, and shouldn’t, because he did try to RAPE HER) and then Anita casually admits that she’s homophobic.

The wereleopards then crouch beside her, as they need to ‘understand her’. They can’t understand that people like looking after their friends, as LKH can only make Anita seem like a good character by making all that surround her entirely stupid. This scene drags, as the wereleopards ponder why someone would try to help another human being without sex or control being involved. It all boils down to: Anita helps people because they’re ‘hers’, like they’re Barbies or Legos.

They then lay it out that Anita can have sex with them whenever she likes, but Anita doesn’t like this as she is a good girl. And didn’t hump Nathaniel into orgasm the second time they met. The wereanimals do not understand this as they’re not really human and are incapable of understanding the hu-man ways. They can’t trust people that they don’t have sex with.

Nathaniel starts to break down, as he does seem to be genuinely unwell. Anita encourages him to continue in his delusions. She senses Raina inside her, so silences Raina by having a hot sexy makeout with Nathaniel. Nathaniel cries, and then Anita spreads out her hands and the wereleopards worship at her feet, as she has suddenly become a Jesus Christ figure.

I’m going to make myself feel better by wrapping Christmas presents and stuffing myself with chocolate.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter twenty three


I’m going to try and make today’s update as short as possible as I’m not feeling great. A mixture of my IBS and fresher’s flu I think. Bleurgh.

Burnt Offerings is a family friendly horror theme restaurant that has an absolutely awful name. ‘Burnt Offerings’? What kinda name is that? That doesn’t make me think ‘warm cafe food for children’. It makes me think ‘let us burn this man to please our gods!’,

This family restaurant has a public bar, because FOR KIDS, and a woman was being hit on by a vampire. He decided to bite her, so she threw his drink in his face and set him on fire.

Yes. Yes. I approve of this.

The vampire isn’t dead, because the bartender whizzed out the fire extinguisher and saved him. Also cool. These are cool people.

Anita immediately blames the victim in all this.

“If she had that much problem with a vampire sinking fang in her, she wouldn’t have been cuddling with him in a bar.”

Eugh.

‘If she had that much problem with men assaulting her, she shouldn’t have worn such revealing clothes.’

Anita demands to go see the ‘supposed victim’ (FOR FUCK’S SAKE) and comforts the vampire who publicly assaulted a woman in a family restaurant.

I did not like this chapter. It was short and unpleasant. Like Anita herself.