A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter nineteen


I tried not to think in the shower. Thinking bad; hot water good.

Thinking is always bad for you, Anita. You just seem to be unable to do it at all times.

She’s healed up instantly, which is handy, and then Nathaniel bangs on the bathroom door because Damian is all fucked up again.

argh

what was the fucking point of the last few chapters if damian is INSTANTLY FUCKED UP AGAIN

forward momentum?? Where is it?? You can’t just repeat the same PLOT POINTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER ARGHHHHH

Anita wasn’t aware until Nathaniel told her and is now all full of a crushing sadness because… I dunno, who gives a fuck about Damian? Name me one unique personality trait that he has. She tries getting out the shower but then Gregory and Richard just dump Damian’s body in the room and she feels like she’s suffocating under the weight of his ~sadness~.

It’s lucky that Richard doesn’t have work or anything. It’s lucky that apparently NO ONE HAS A FUCKING JOB THAT WOULD STOP ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM TAKING PLACE. Damian just sort of lands on Anita and it’s just so bad all his sadness and fear.

I don’t give a shit about Damian’s fear. There’s nothing interesting about him. I don’t give a shit about his fear because I’m not invested in him. Anita, Richard, JC, Dolph, Zerbrowski – these are the characters we’re invested in, everyone else is secondary. So I don’t give a fuck if Damian is in fear because I don’t even really know who he is or why he’s even in these books.

Damian’s is all afraid of the vampire that made him and his hair is so long it’s like a blanket (???) (no seriously what the fuck) (JESUS CHRIST THESE HAIR LENGTHS) and Anita is out of Damian’s memory without hurting Nathaniel. Booo because everything in these books would be 100% if they were about hurting Nathaniel all the time. Damian grabs Nathaniel’s arms and now there’s warm golden sunlight everywhere. And they’re in Damian’s memories as when he was turned? I don’t care, and Damian starts to burn up a bit but Anita can’t notice because she’s lost in the totally immersive memories of really inaccurate Viking raids. People start screaming, and then Anita can smell pine trees which means Richard.

Well, yeah, he’s right there, he threw a naked dude at you.

Damian then starts screaming ‘Nemhain’ which is the secret name of the vampire that made him because LKH read Harry Potter and thought ‘hey look someone so scary people refuse to say their name what a cool idea I’m totally going to steal it’.

Everyone starts screaming and cursing Nemhain, so… um, good for them, I guess.

Edit this all out. Scrub it out. It adds absolutely nothing to this mess.

Anyway, screaming Nemhain’s name means that she’s now paying attention to everything that’s going on. For… reasons, because this exact thing happened with BM in Cerulean Sins and with MOAD in the same book, so I guess this is getting repeated all over again for no reason at all. And Damian is now dead in Anita’s arms.

I hate to break it to you but…

Anita FINALLY remembers that she’s a necromancer. Congrats! That only took you several books to remember. So Nemhain whatsit is dragging the life out of Damian but Anita, despite remembering that she has POWERS OVER THE DEAD AND CAN ANIMATE DAMIAN WITH HER OWN MAGIC, hasn’t got a single clue what she can do.

I didn’t know how to fight against nothing. I didn’t know what to do. We were dying, and I didn’t know what to do.

I dunno, do whatever you did when facing this exact same problem in the last book.

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A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter nineteen


The second scene was in Chesterfield, which had been a hot address for the up-and-comers before most of the money moved even farther out to Wildwood and beyond. The neighbourhood that Jason drove us through was a sharp contrast to the big isolated houses we’d just seen. This was middle class, middle America, backbone of the nation kind of neighbourhood. There are thousands of subdivisions exactly like it. Except in this one, not all the houses were identical. They were still too close together and had a sameness about them, as if a hive mind had designed them all, but some were two-story, some only one, some brick, some not.

There were medium-sized trees in the yards, which meant the area was over ten years old. It takes time to grow trees.

What exactly did any of this add to the plot.

Anita and Jason draw up to the crime scene and Anita starts to freak because the press are here. Ah, yes, no doubt they will be very interested in why you’re bringing a untrained exotic dancer to a crime scene.

There were two local news vans and a handful of print media. You can always tell print, because they have the still cameras and no microphones. Though they will shove tape recorders in your face.

Wow, Anita’s so clever she can work out that the people without video cameras and a filming team aren’t involved with TV! Plus, print reporters don’t shove tape recorders in your face. They only do that in bad TV shows and films.

Jason doesn’t understand how or why the news is here (I see why you’re keeping him around) and Anita sighs about how much of a celebrity she is. For someone so ‘famous’, you’d think an investigative reporter might have taken an interest in her. Jason then helps her down the street and to the crime scene which…. um, if you’re so famous, don’t you think someone is going to question, ask, wonder why the fuck this random guy who isn’t affiliated with any law enforcement agency is strolling to a crime scene? She worries about her gun pointlessly.

I was feeling better if I could be worrying this much over my gun. Good to know. Feeling bad sucks, and nausea is one of the great evils of the universe.

Yeah, I mean genocide, poverty, the derogatory treatment of women, the 57 million children forbidden from education, disease outbreaks… none of them compare to feeling slightly sick.

Anita and Jason make their way through the… scrum of journalists, despite the fact that it was stated there were only a few there. They start bombarding Anita with questions on the crime scene and rather than just ignore them, she actually answers them. Then whines when they start to ask her whether Jason is her boyfriend.

Just don’t engage. Walk on through. But, nope, this is a ‘I’m FAMOUSSSSSS’ wank fantasy.

I did not understand why my personal life was more interesting, or even as interesting, as a murder. It made no sense to me.

Sorry, Anita, your creator has made you the centre of the universe. Sense doesn’t enter into it. Anita just whines on and on about how the press always misconstrue what she says and changes it so why for the love of God do you even say anything? She complains about how often she’s in the newspapers or on the news and I’m just like, lol, whatevs. If she’s in the news this much, someone would have investigated her life by now. There’s nothing news media likes more than tearing someone down.

Anita gets to the door. There’s a cop she knows on the door but he calls her ‘Ms Blake’ instead of Marshal and that sets off a fresh load of whining.

The uniform opened the door for us because he was wearing rubber gloves. I’d left my crime scene kit at home.

WHY??????????????

A member of a law enforcement agency – be they FBI agent, crime scene investigator, or just a beat cop making sure no one runs into a crime scene – never knows when they might be called in. You might be in the middle of your shopping. You might be sleeping. Crime don’t give a shit if you need to go and get milk. Surely, Anita, if you’re such a OMGSUPERAWESOMEMARSHAL shouldn’t you have several crime scene kits? Kept in different places in case you’re urgently called in?

She also lets Jason into the crime scene.

I see LKH has given up actually writing anything realistic or compelling. Congrats.

Anita walks around the house and complains that she can’t see the colour scheme. A ‘Detective Merlioni’ arrives and Anita knows something is up because his tie is crooked and he hasn’t been sexist towards her yet. He asks who Jason is.

“Dolph knew I was too shaky to drive, so he gave me permission to bring a driver with me.”

Yeah, a DRIVER. He didn’t say to bring him into an active crime scene! She excuses her travesty by saying ‘Oh, I couldn’t leave him outside with the press, despite there being loads of police officers’. Merlioni and Jason make a big deal about introducing themselves. Merlioni then decides to allow Jason inside the crime scene.

I’d take a picture of my agonised face at this bullshit but my face is very puffy today and you don’t need to see that shit.

Anita and Jason are left alone in the crime scene and they start to smell blood because of mystic werewolf powers. I call bullshit again because blood is quite a strong smell, especially if someone has been murdered, and I can always smell it, even in minute amounts.

Blood smells sort of sweet and metallic like old pennies, or nickels, but a lot of blood smells like hamburger. You know, it’s going to be bad, really bad, when a human being is reduced to the smell of so much ground meat.

I’ve always found that large amounts of blood smells sort of… it’s hard to describe, really. Like, metallic and sour and sort of rotten? It’s sharp and pungent, definitely not sweet. Raw beef smells sweet.

Jason and Anita talk about how freaked out they are. Anita needs him for some reason. They get rubber gloves and Anita thinks that a lot of people have been here. She wants to know where Dolph is.

I want to know where the hell the editor has been. So much of this should have just been cut. Nineteen chapters, and we haven’t even hit the secondary plot yet!

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter nineteen PART TWO


Part One can be found here.

Anyway, JC is regaling us all with how Julianna was going to be a sex slave but Asher just couldn’t bear to see that happen. Not because he was worried about her, mind. He was worried about his possession getting damaged.

“Arturo liked it rough?”

“Mother Nature made it almost impossible for Arturo to have it any way but rough. […] He is bien outille, well tooled. Ah, what is the English?… Hung like a horse.”

That’s right – Arturo is too big to have sex with a woman without hurting her. That sound you hear is me smacking myself in the head with my wrist stumps.

“… you’re implying that you feared for Julianna’s safety because he was so big.”

NO SHIT. THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT HE JUST SAID.

They talk about this for a page because Anita Just Does Not Get It and talks about how every man she knows has a simply enormous penis. Anita mentions that one of her would-be rapists in OB had a huge cock which makes JC sigh out how he fell in love with her at first sight.

Nice segue, jackass.

JC then informs us that Arturo’s dick was a foot long. Um, why couldn’t Asher object to his lover being forced to sleep with another man because, you know, that’s rape? Why did it have to turn into battle of the cock monsters? Arturo’s cock was also six inches wide. That’s the size of my wrist. So, basically, Arturo had a forearm for junk.

This is so ridiculous.

Anyway, Julianna believed Arturo’s monster cock wouldn’t hurt her because she knew the secret way of sex, as taught to her by JC and Asher. He won’t tell Anita what it was and she drops the question. She then asks again if all five of them really had sex. The conversation then moves onto jealousy, as Anita is worried about JC’s feelings if she has to feed with another man. This is the man who tried to buy his way out of trouble by having you raped, I don’t think he cares that much. JC says Anita is like a child. I agree, but not in any way that you’d find complimentary.

“You are simultaneously one of the most direct women I know, and one of the most self-deluding.”

… hahahahahaha, oh, I believe that, but not about Anita.

JC is happy for Anita to sleep with Nathanvile and Jason but stresses there are men he will not allow her to sleep with. She can have Asher and Micah but warns that other men may come calling.

“Please, don’t tell me I’m going to turn into slut-girl.”

*blinks* I wouldn’t. However you choose to express your sexual identity is cool with me. But you don’t have to be ashamed of yourself.

JC says she may well turn into ‘slut-girl’ (great, insulting your girlfriend because you gave her magic STD nice) if Anita doesn’t feed the ardeur. Wow, that’s so effective the fiftieth time said. He tells her to have Nathaniel as her sex slave, again.

Something occurred to me. “I haven’t seen Damien around.”

That was abrupt. That was so abrupt I think I’ve got whiplash. Remember Damien? He’s Anita’s human servant and we haven’t seen him for two books. He is descended from one of BM’s line – of course he is – and JC and Damien have a shared power, or something. JC makes his vampires alive, except not, because they’re vampires and they’re dead. They rehash Damien’s history for a page and Anita finally asks where Damien is after not caring about him for a year and a half.

YOU ARE THE WORST.

Damien’s been inside a cross wrapped coffin for six months because Anita’s lack of giving a shit drove him mad. Anita, your own canon confirms you are the worst now. Anita is now angry because Damien is ‘mine to protect’.

You left him for a year and a half. You didn’t care.

JC has been blocking her from ‘sensing’ him lkh forgot about damien because Damien would have seduced Anita and she might have had sex with someone because she wants to. Anita wants to get Damien out but she can’t do this while tending to an injured wereleopard. Yeah, remember Gregory? What time is it now, in text? Is someone going to start caring about something other than fucking?

“Believe what you like, but it will take hours of care to make Damien sane again. It will take days of care, and blood, and warmth, to bring him back to himself.”

Wow, hours of care. There goes all the tension that might occur from treating a mentally unstable vampire.

“How could you know all that and still do this to him?”

Oh no, Damien will be… ill for a few days. That’s awful, I say, with a medical condition for which I will be on medication for the rest of my life. But NOES being ill for a few days! That’s dreadful!

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JC turns on the pity parade by whining about how he was in the coffin and how he might have killed Damien, would she have liked that? She didn’t care about him until five minutes ago, so I don’t think she would have noticed.

Also Damien murdered an innocent married couple. Um, isn’t that an automatic death sentence? But nope, because Anita finds him attractive, he gets to live.

“Do you think the insanity is permanent?”

JC just told you it wouldn’t even last a week. What the hell is wrong with Anita’s brain? Anita says she is very angry about this and it ruins their relationship or something. JC says she can’t fight the ardeur and that she should sleep with Nathanvile or Micah. I need a mean nickname for Micah.

Anita talks to people and they confirm Damien is a murderous psychopath which makes Anita SAD. Nathanvile and Anita drive out somewhere and Anita thinks about all the plot points so far. I’m glad she’s reminding us because they were kinda lost in the sex dribble. Anita then thinks how God is totally okay with everything she does because God… hasn’t stopped her.

That sounds like the justification of a serial killer. Since when has God intervened in human events? That’s not been a part of Christian ideology for three hundred years. Anita is the most self-centred little stain on the planet. ‘Jesus himself hasn’t come down and told me I’m doing wrong, so I must be doing right!’

Anita prays and feels God’s presence. That is a really weird way to end this chapter.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter nineteen PART ONE


This chapter is thirty pages long and I can’t deal with such a huge chunk at once. These chapters are too long. They don’t have any plot in them, and should have been speedily edited away.

I mean, can you describe anything resembling a plot for the last five chapters? It’s just been people running around saying ‘The ardeur! Should we do something? We should do something!’ SOMEONE DO SOMETHING. AND BY ‘DO’ I DO NOT MEAN SEX.

I was naked again.

When… when did you put on clothes? You didn’t put on clothes, you were still naked from before, and that sentence implied you put on clothes for the soul purpose of removing them.

The five of us lay in a heap, breathing hard, bodies tingling, with that rush magic will leave behind sometimes – where you feel both tired and exhilarated at the same time – sort of like sex.

You DID have sex. And those dashes make no sense! That sentence makes no sense! ‘Sort of like sex’ is a dangling fragment, not connected to the part of the sentence before the dashes.  Y U NO WRITE GOOD.

Anita has also apparently eaten a huge chunk from Jason’s neck. Kinky. Anita feels instantly nauseous, as anyone but Hannibal would, and runs to the toilet.

I threw up, and the flesh – about the size of a fifty-cent piece – came up just like it had gone down – whole.

THOSE DASHES HURT. Take out the first pair and replace them with commas. And is a fifty cent coin that big? Anita just vomits and vomits, as well she should after eating the toxic goop that is human blood. JC knocks on the door and asks to come in, forgetting that it’s hard to answer when bile is pouring out of your throat.

“I’m here,” I said.

No shit, Sherlock. Everyone saw you run into the toilet! JC wants to know if he can get her anything and she asks for an aspirin and a toothbrush. Myself, I’d go for water and a flannel. I’m not sure how an aspirin will help, seeing as you might vom it up.

“You could ask me to cut my heart out at this moment, and I might do it. Instead you ask for aspirin and a toothbrush.” He leaned in and laid the gentlest of kisses on top of my head. “I will get what you ask.”

I am going to beat your head in with a cricket bat, JC. Why the hell are you making such a big deal out of being nice to your girlfriend?

Jean-Claude looked like someone who should have servants, and he did.

What does that even mean. That he’s entitled to be a classist git?

JC does as he is bid and helps Anita get up once the sickness has passed.

My breast hurt where it rubbed against the cloth. I pulled back enough to look down at my body. There was a perfect imprint of Nathaniel’s teeth encircling my breast around the areola. He’d only drawn blood in a few places, but the rest was a deep red-purple.

Nathaniel saw Anita had passed out so decided to bite her on the breast hard enough to DRAW BLOOD. Which, may I remind you, she did not consent to. At all. Anita has not shown an interest in S&M, even being repulsed by it. Bloodplay has never been shown to be an interest of hers.

“Why is it things like this never hurt while you’re doing them?”

Because you weren’t really inside your body when it happened, Anita. You were out of it. Hence my yelling. Anyway, this means that Nathanvile has ‘more control’ than Jason, for some fucked up reason. JC points out, rather shrewdly, that Anita doesn’t really know anything about Nathanvile, but Anita just wants to be held. Her boob hurts.

If my morals hadn’t gotten in the way, I could have just marvelled at the whole thing.

Your… morals. What? YOUR morals?

Sigh. Refer to Deadpool.

Anita asks why she’s pleased to be marked by Nathanvile. I don’t know – you’re happy to be his leader, it’s some stupid ardeur bullshit, it’s stupid SI bullshit. Pick one. JC opts for wereleopard bullshit. He also suggests that if Anita has the powers of a vampire, it may simply be that leopards are her beast to call.

I leaned back enough to see his face. “Are you attracted to the wolves?” I asked.

“I find it pleasant to have the wolves around me. It is comforting to touch them like a… pet, or lover.”

It’s completely normal for people to look upon their pets and think, ‘Well, I love my pet, but I wish I could have sex with it’. GAH.

This bullshit continues as JC tells Anita to think of Nathanvile, a human being Anita is sexually attracted to, like a pet. Or, do use a better term, as a slave. Because that’s what it is. It’s slavery, pure and simple. How lovely.

They talk about animals to call and how you should be nice to your slaves and how asher doesn’t have an animal to call but his bites give you, like, the best orgasm EVR. JC then drops in that she and Nathanvile had sex and Anita freaks.

“I did not have sex with Nathaniel!”

“Come, ma petite, you did not have intercourse, but to say you did not have sex is splitting the hair a little too fine, no?”

If Anita was set in the 1960s or the 1970s, I could buy that she wasn’t aware that oral sex or fingering  or dry humping counts as sex. But this book is set in 2002. Anita has grown up in an age of Cosmopolitan, the internet, easy access to pornography. She can’t be a little blushing innocent because it makes her look particularly stupid. What, did she never talk about this sort of thing with her friends or boyfriends? Is she really so stupid as to think PiV is the only ‘real’ sex two people can have? Come off it, I don’t buy that.

“So you’re saying we had sex – all of us?”

THE ARDEUR FEEDS ON SEX. THE ARDEUR IS FED. DO YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING?

Anita is pouty about how sex counts as sex and they move the subject on to how Jason was a triforce substitute for Richard. Funny how the text implied that Anita was taking magic directly from Richard, but there you go. JC starts groping Anita, but he’s disgusting. She asks why he didn’t warn her about Belle Morte. He didn’t because the author is lazy and threw it in for ‘drama’ Um, Anita’s not a vampire, so how could he know! Even though he knows she is like a vampire in her powers! This is terribly written!

Guess what belle morte can call big cats what do you know

Anita asks whether Belle Morte can control her, after THE LAST CHAPTER WAS ABOUT ANITA HAVING THE POWER TO THROW BELLE MORTE OUT AND OVERPOWER HER

I am going to gnaw my hands off from the pain of these circular conversations. And then I am going to use my hands as a double slap weapon for these characters.

“You’re saying I kicked her butt once, I can do it again.”

*sobs*

Anyway, Anita is the only person in two thousand years of history to defy Belle Morte, what do you know.

“It is one of Asher’s gifts to make his bite orgasmic.”

‘They talk about animals to call and how you should be nice to your slaves and how asher doesn’t have an animal to call but his bites give you, like, the best orgasm EVR’

YOU ALREADY SAID THAT. Anita then realises that, shock, JC fed off all the sex too!

YOU KNOW HE’S AN INCUBUS. YOU KNOW HE HAS THE ARDEUR TOO. YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO FUNCTION.

JC then says how he and Asher defied Belle Morte by leaving her and how that she might be wanting revenge. I thought Anita was the only person to ever defy her. Huh.

I went to the sink and watched him in the mirror behind me. I’d known I was nude, but it wasn’t until I saw myself in the mirror that I really noticed it.

That’s it, I’m doing it. *starts to gnaw at own wrists*

There’s half a page of arguing about Anita getting a dressing gown that should have been cut out. JC says that pommey apples need a gift so Anita suggests money. This makes JC angry – they’re not ‘whores’, they’re ‘mistresses’! He also drops that Anita has to feed every day.

“What are you saying?”

The gnawing isn’t fast enough!

JC makes vague promises about teaching Anita from a distance and Anita tries to think who her pommey apple could be. JC suggests Nathanvile.

“It would be like child molesting. He can’t say no. If a person can’t say no, then it’s the same as rape.”

*breathes in, tries to calm self*

  • Having sex with a grown man is not in any way comparable to sexually abusing children. Fuck you. That’s one of the most offensive things I’ve read – and that’s saying a lot in this series.
  • If a person can’t say no, that’s not the same as rape. THAT IS RAPE.

Anyway, JC talks about sub bullshit and how Anita would never have ‘casual lusts’. Yeah, she dry humped Nathanvile to orgasm without talking to him, I think she is. And Anita can’t stop wanting to have sex with Nathanvile because she’s a true leopard leader.

Anita spends a page cleaning her mouth, trying to get rid of the taste of blood. It’s a rare character moment. JC gives her blue satin to wear, since she’s his portable fuck doll. Everyone has left, aside from Nathanvile who will drive Anita around because she can’t do it herself. Strong independent woman! They then talk about Asher’s penis and whether he still has it.

“But we still do not know how badly scarred he is, and that is a ruin of a different sort.”

Yes, he might ruin your sex fun by being all disfigured. JC drops a story of BM infecting a whole room of humans with the ardeur for no real reason.

“What does she gain from making a whole room of humans lose control like that?”

BECAUSE THE ARDEUR HAS TO BE FED WITH SEX. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GOT TO BE TOLD THIS????????

JC says there’s no no, there’s no no, there’s no limit to how many people you can feed off at a time.

“What did she do with all that power?”

“She helped a marquis seduce a king and changed the trade routes and alliances of three countries.”

Why? It’s not like she was a public or political figure. Why did she do this? It seems that BM was a royal mistress and got a lot of titles and lands and influence through him.

“No one is that good in bed.”

Of course, people only like each other or love each other because of sex. A relationship cannot be based on any other thing, like companionship or enjoyment of each other’s company. Heaven forfend that people in a relationship are nice to each other!

Anita wants to know why JC and Asher left BM. I don’t know, being a sex slave is awful? Use a braincell and think for once. You might like it. JC talks about how they set things up with Julianna, and that’s where my fifteen pages are up.

Fifteen pages and the plot has not moved on one little bit.

I’m going to hide away and grumble. And not read young!Xavier smut

Remember, if you want to join the upcoming RP, email me your character sheet!

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Obsidian Butterfly’ chapter nineteen


Anita goes through to Edward’s dining room, which is also full of appropriated cultural furniture. Anita hates it.

It had taken me years to break Jean-Claude of his fixation on black and white decor.

You’ve only been dating him for…. what, six months? No, less. Maybe three months. Burnt Offerings and Blue Moon seem to take place in the same summer. And now it’s… May. Anita hasn’t been dating JC since August. So, um, you never changed anything about him. Especially seeing JC has been using red in his décor long before he raped you.

Since I was just Edward’s friend and nothing more, it wasn’t my business how he decorated.

Then why did you insult his decoration in the last chapter?

The room also doesn’t have a single window. Who the fuck designs a room like this without a window? It’s not a terrace. Why would you build a massive dining room without one single window? Other than for Anita to bitch about her claustrophobia.

Olaf then enters the room and merits some more stupid descriptions.

He was taller than Dolph, who was six foot eight, which meant he was the tallest person I’d ever met.

Why did you not just say he was the tallest person you’ve ever met? Why do you have to bring up the absurdity of Dolph’s height again? Do you think I care?

Anita tries to introduce herself to Olaf, who ignores her. She then tries to deliberately provoke him by calling him ‘baby’, apparently instantly forgetting that he is a dangerous rapist. He says that he does not like this and that he is unhappy with her presence.

“Well, Olaf, honey, you need help from someone because the three of you haven’t come up with shit on the mutilations.”

A flush of colour crept up his neck into his face. “Do not call me that.”

“What? Honey?”

He nodded.

“You prefer sweetheart, honeybun, pumpkin?”

What are you doing.

Why are you trying to provoke the dangerous rapist.

Why do you think this is clever.

You already think he’s going to break into your room at night and rape you. Now you’re provoking him because… he’ll skip breaking into your room and just attack you right now?

Olaf says that he is no one’s sweetheart, which makes Anita say how sad that is. When the man is a dangerous rapist. Which is probably why he isn’t anyone’s sweetheart. Because he’s a disgusting sex criminal. Anita then continues to blather on about how everyone should have a sweetheart, and I just want to slap her and make her shut up. Because I don’t want Olaf to go crazy and run out on a raping spree.

Anita tries to backtrack and get to know Olaf by saying that he’s from Hapsburg because her family is from there and how much she seems to be more interested in her white German history than her maternal family for NO reason and how Olaf hates women. They then bring up some more of bullshit dominance/leadership stuff and I just don’t care. Olaf gives a lot of signals that he is not a man to piss off in any capacity, but Anita behaves like a wrecking ball, smashing through life and not caring about what might happen.

She openly laughs in his face.

He pulls a knife, just as I expected him to do. She throws herself backwards and whips out a gun. Edward threatens to kill the first one to draw blood, so they dither around and Edward makes Anita declare how scared she is of Edward (?) and how she is never afraid of anything she can kill.

Then why are you scared of small spaces, Anita? Small spaces can’t kill you. Well, not in a direct way. You might die of lack of air after a few days in a small, locked room with ventilation. Um. The point still stands.

They both drop their weapons, so Anita throws a hissy fit and refuses to be near Edward and Bernardo.

I hadn’t know Olaf for an hour, and I already knew why he was no one’s sweetie.

Before you met him, Edward told you Olaf was a rapist that liked to brag about his crimes. You didn’t even have to meet him to know why ‘he was no one’s sweetie’.

ohmygodihateanita

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter nineteen


Verne claims the basket is a present and –

Look, I’m cutting straight to it. There’s some bullshit from Colin and Verne, and Anita tells everyone to fuck off, but it’s dull. The present is a head. It’s Mira’s head in a basket.

“You said you wanted Mira’s head in a basket. That if we gave you that, it would make it right between our two clans.”

Werewolves don’t go in for metaphors then. They must make terrible writers.

You’d think after all this time, I would stop forgetting that they weren’t human. But I had. I’d been pissed, and I’d spoken as if I was talking to another human being, but I hadn’t been. I’d been speaking to werewolves, and I’d forgotten that.

Eurgh.

Look, werewolves are humans, okay? They just become a wolf for a certain amount of time of the month. After all, I don’t stop being a human being just because I ovulate. This is because werewolves don’t have the privilege of living outside of society. They live and interact with everyone else. They cannot behave as if they are not humans because they live in a human society. Werewolves can’t react to everything single little thing like ‘eugh, I just wish my boss would die!’ as reacting to these things as being entirely literal is a very stupid thing and is the first way to get yourself outed as being a werewolf.

Now, in the context of the situation, I can understand why Verne thought Anita might literally want Mira dead. However, it is always best to confirm the intent and meanings when people use casual and commonplace phrases.

I hears someone whispering, and it was me. I was whispering, “This is my fault. This is my fault.”

It is your fault. It is also Richard’s fault for casually using up all the women in the wolf pack until he finds one he likes.

Anita vomits and screams at the werewolves for being fucking stupid. Richard explains it condescendingly.

I wish there was a stronger, more interesting chapter for me to leave you with, as I depart for a weekend with no internet. Blame the crappy author, not the dull blogger.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter nineteen


I want to say a huge thanks to all of those who have been commenting over the last six or so chapters. I’ve been a bit lousy with replies but I’m finding it hard to read and spork these chapters. This long run of JC and Anita skipping around and meeting various council members is repetitive and dull. Each chapter they meet someone evil and carry on with their trip. A trip that circles right around and goes absolutely nowhere. Reading it, this book feels like it did not get edited by a professional editor. The discordant nature of these never-ending chapters feels like the editing work of an amateur.

And on we go.

Yvette has stalked off between chapters. Warrick is healing. JC gets Jason out of the bondage get-up, and Jason goes and curls up in a ball by the wall. And whines like a dog. The Traveler goes on about how much JC has ‘impressed’ him. I’d like to know what JC has actually done, at any point. He offers a handkerchief for Anita’s hand wound, but doesn’t actually give any real help. She can’t even tie it herself, and freaks out when the Traveler tries to help.

Oh, and the Traveler does not understand friendship.

“It has been a very long time since someone has invoked friendship in my presence. They will beg for mercy, but never on the grounds of friendship.”

Anita, you special, special snowflake.

JC says it’s her naivete, but this is wonderful, because it takes true courage to be naive in the face of the council. This makes sense because no one asks for friendship from the council; they ask for power or safety, but they don’t ask for friendship from the organisation that vets the laws and conditions of the world’s vampires. Let us all learn from JC’s wisdom. Let us all walk into situations blindly, and try to befriend entire governments.

The Traveler interprets this all as one big attempt by Anita to make friends with him. JC says you can’t offer ‘true’ friendship without asking for it in return. The Traveler says how he has no friends, so Anita says that he must be so lonely. I’m wondering when this became a MLP episode.

“She is like a wind through a window long closed, Jean-Claude. A mixture of cynicism, naivete, and power.”

How can she be both cynical and naive? Super snowflake powers activate!

The Traveler says he’ll be waiting in the torture room, and wanders off. Relationship tip: if your boyfriend has an area of his home called ‘the torture room’, and does not actually appear to be into BDSM, you probably need to reconsider the relationship.

I’ve missed out the long talk about friendship and Anita pissing on everything to mark it as hers. It’s very boring, and the only interesting thing is this:

He threw back his head and laughed. “Oh, what a man you would have made.”

I’d spent enough time around macho guys to know it was a compliment, a sincerely meant one. They never understood the implied insult.

Yeah, those stupid men who live within gender boundaries of things they understand and don’t understand! And what a compliment to receive, as being a man is simply the very best thing to be in society!

Anita gives blood to the Traveler – WHO HAS NOT GONE DESPITE WALKING AWAY – and this means she gets safe passage for her, her people, and her friends. Anita – what friends? You never spend any time with people. You don’t socialise. Who are your friends?

The Traveler roars with laughter (please stop doing that) and asks what will he get out of this.

It was a trap.

Congratulations. Anita offers him a free feed. He’s actually taken so much blood that she’s blacking out and he tries to learn who really killed Mr Oliver. Anita tells him to fuck himself and uses her necromancy powers to pull the Traveler out of Willie. Willie immediately proclaims Anita as his master as she faints, yet again, from blood loss.

The words died in my throat, swallowed by a velvet darkness that ate my vision and then the world.

Unconsciousness does not work like that. It is not poetic. It’s abrupt. Do some research.