A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter nineteen

I tried not to think in the shower. Thinking bad; hot water good.

Thinking is always bad for you, Anita. You just seem to be unable to do it at all times.

She’s healed up instantly, which is handy, and then Nathaniel bangs on the bathroom door because Damian is all fucked up again.


what was the fucking point of the last few chapters if damian is INSTANTLY FUCKED UP AGAIN

forward momentum?? Where is it?? You can’t just repeat the same PLOT POINTS OVER AND OVER AND OVER ARGHHHHH

Anita wasn’t aware until Nathaniel told her and is now all full of a crushing sadness because… I dunno, who gives a fuck about Damian? Name me one unique personality trait that he has. She tries getting out the shower but then Gregory and Richard just dump Damian’s body in the room and she feels like she’s suffocating under the weight of his ~sadness~.

It’s lucky that Richard doesn’t have work or anything. It’s lucky that apparently NO ONE HAS A FUCKING JOB THAT WOULD STOP ALL THIS BULLSHIT FROM TAKING PLACE. Damian just sort of lands on Anita and it’s just so bad all his sadness and fear.

I don’t give a shit about Damian’s fear. There’s nothing interesting about him. I don’t give a shit about his fear because I’m not invested in him. Anita, Richard, JC, Dolph, Zerbrowski – these are the characters we’re invested in, everyone else is secondary. So I don’t give a fuck if Damian is in fear because I don’t even really know who he is or why he’s even in these books.

Damian’s is all afraid of the vampire that made him and his hair is so long it’s like a blanket (???) (no seriously what the fuck) (JESUS CHRIST THESE HAIR LENGTHS) and Anita is out of Damian’s memory without hurting Nathaniel. Booo because everything in these books would be 100% if they were about hurting Nathaniel all the time. Damian grabs Nathaniel’s arms and now there’s warm golden sunlight everywhere. And they’re in Damian’s memories as when he was turned? I don’t care, and Damian starts to burn up a bit but Anita can’t notice because she’s lost in the totally immersive memories of really inaccurate Viking raids. People start screaming, and then Anita can smell pine trees which means Richard.

Well, yeah, he’s right there, he threw a naked dude at you.

Damian then starts screaming ‘Nemhain’ which is the secret name of the vampire that made him because LKH read Harry Potter and thought ‘hey look someone so scary people refuse to say their name what a cool idea I’m totally going to steal it’.

Everyone starts screaming and cursing Nemhain, so… um, good for them, I guess.

Edit this all out. Scrub it out. It adds absolutely nothing to this mess.

Anyway, screaming Nemhain’s name means that she’s now paying attention to everything that’s going on. For… reasons, because this exact thing happened with BM in Cerulean Sins and with MOAD in the same book, so I guess this is getting repeated all over again for no reason at all. And Damian is now dead in Anita’s arms.

I hate to break it to you but…

Anita FINALLY remembers that she’s a necromancer. Congrats! That only took you several books to remember. So Nemhain whatsit is dragging the life out of Damian but Anita, despite remembering that she has POWERS OVER THE DEAD AND CAN ANIMATE DAMIAN WITH HER OWN MAGIC, hasn’t got a single clue what she can do.

I didn’t know how to fight against nothing. I didn’t know what to do. We were dying, and I didn’t know what to do.

I dunno, do whatever you did when facing this exact same problem in the last book.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter eighteen

Gregory crawled to us on all fours, sniffing just above our bodies. He said in that growling voice, “Me next.”

Ok, he’s still a leopard, so that’s disgusting, and here’s something I’ve noticed: Anita never has safe sex. Considering that LKH makes a big deal about how she’s writing this big ol’adult world, full of consequences, it’s amazing how she’s over looking the fact that Anita might be pregnant and have some sort of super STD.

Shapeshifters look sort of like they do in the movies in half-man form, but there is one big difference. They have genitalia, and right at that moment Greggory was very, very happy to be here.


Anita finds Gregory’s arousal disgusting and shouts at him to back off. Damian is now sad and Anita can feel how sad he is. Anita wants to get up and this makes Nathaniel guilt-trip her through vague metaphysical emotions. Micah then comes into the room and asks what happened. They chit-chat about how Damian is awake during the day and then he reminds us what he was doing. He was out helping that werewolf who was being a drunk asshole? And, well, it gets worse.

“When I drove the guy home from the bar, he had a live-in girlfriend and a child. Girlfriend started a fight about his drinking. Anger does not help you fight the change.”

“Did he shift?” I asked.

“No, but it was close, and he’s so new…” Micah shook his head again. “I’d feel better if the girlfriend was a little more understanding about how dangerous he could be. She just didn’t seem to understand.”

Oh, this is all her fault. That he went out, got so drunk he might have shifted, got so belligerent at the bar that he might have shifted, and then some fucking idiot rapist brought him back to a home WITH A FUCKING CHILD IN IT is all her fault.

I think Unnamed Girlfriend understands very much that he’s dangerous. That’s why she didn’t want him in the house or wanted him drinking. Because it’s not her fault that a newbie werewolf decided to go out and be a hazard to the public, or decided that even though he’s having trouble controlling his shifts, he’s going to get a human girlfriend with a young child. But it’s all her fault! A man can never be at fault!

Anyway, Richard remembers that he’s in the room and points out that human women just don’t seem to understand how mad, bad, and dangerous werewolves are.


Richard is all, hey is that one of my wolves someone who is my responsibility and who Micah should have spoken to Richard about and got help from? And Micah is all yes but this is for the good of mankind or something because I am the wereleopard messiah. He’s like Jesus but, you know, a huge rapist asshole.

Anita then decides to have a shower because ‘I’d just had sex without a condom, which meant all the mess had gone into me, but it wouldn’t stay there’. EW.


She then thinks about how Tammy got pregnant on the pill but seeing as Anita doesn’t seem to be on the pill, I have no idea why she’s bringing it up. Micah is going to call for a doctor, although Anita’s neck wound seems to be doing fine considering that she’s not dead, and he points out that Clair is sat in Richard’s car crying.

Clair, by the way, is Richard’s girlfriend. Who was just almost attacked by a vampire and saw her boyfriend’s ex have sex in front of her.

Poor Clair.

Richard can’t go outside to comfort her, as he’s covered in too much blood. The neighbours would call the police, even though Anita got this house specifically because it’s alone in the middle of nowhere. LOGIC. But Micah, Manic Pixie Dream Jesus, is on the case. Anita hovers, unsure whether to kiss him, but he’s like GO GET YOUR SHOWER.

Man i love how she’s always unsure and insecure and needing to be ordered about by micah that’s so healthy

Micah seems to find something funny and Anita assumes that he must be laughing at her. Again, that’s a sure sign of a healthy relationship, where you assume your partner is mocking you all the time. She goes to walk upstairs, cautions Gregory against touching her ass, he calls her no fun, she says she’s plenty of fun, he calls her a bitch, she barks.

I presume hilarity was supposed to ensue. Needless to say, I didn’t find it amusing.


A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter seventeen

Damian bucked so hard that he threw Nathaniel to one side. Richard’s weight alone wasn’t enough. Damian sat up, and Richard rolled off him to keep the vampire from sinking fangs into him again.

christ who gives a shit

Anita starts shouting and waving her arms around saying ‘I’m here!’ even though I thought she was helping pin him down? Let me check. *flips back a few pages* Uh, yeah. She’s helping Richard hold him down, so I have no clue where the fuck she is in the room and in relation to everyone else.

He rushed toward me, so fast he was a blur of white and red, and his eyes like green streaks. […] To say he smashed into me didn’t come close to the impact of flesh on flesh.

Wha? What the fuck is going on? And then Damian just decides to rip open Anita’s throat and then a wereleopard appears.

So… when are we getting back to the murder plot? Because this stuff with Damian is fucking pointless and repetitive. Anyway, Gregory isn’t dead, huzzah, and he’s trying to just rip Damian straight off Anita’s neck which would be the perfect way to kill her. Through having her throat ripped out.

“When I need your help, I’ll ask for it.”

I could tell Gregory was puzzled even through the fur. I wasn’t always good at facial expressions once my friends went furry.

Possibly because Anita can’t tell human emotions anyway and the fact that Gregory literally does not have a human face right now. Look, I know that animals have facial expressions and are expressive, but animal facial expressions mean different things. I don’t even think leopards are capable of looking puzzled?

Anita breathes ‘Damiannnnnn… this is all for you Damian’ and, like magic, he’s all better now. I bet he doesn’t even feel bad for attacking her.

I was suddenly aware in a way that I hadn’t been before that we were both nude, and he was male, and he had fed. His body was thick and heavy against my thigh, where a moment ago it hadn’t been. Blood pressure is a wonderful thing.

Damian just lost all control, attacked several of your friends, and viciously assaulted you. Your ex-partner is in the room, as is a man who are so in wuv with but won’t commit to. There’s a strange woman staring at you. So, naturally, Anita is like, let’s have sex, I’m well horny.

i don’t get these people why don’t they act like normal people

Anita is like I CAN FEEL THE PULSE OF LIFE AND MAGIC and Damian starts stroking her and he’s soooooo lonely that it makes her cry. She whispers ‘Blood of my blood’, for some reason, and they start kissing and she’s like, yeah, sex. We must have it now. Nathaniel now reappears again and is ready for some sex that’s really going to make the GUESTS WHO ARE IN THE ROOM AND STARING really uncomfortable.

but yeah Anita has to ‘bind’ Damian to her even though… we’ve never seen this happen before? Like, it didn’t happen with JC, Richard, and Anita. They just dry humped all over the floor.

Richard then points out that he’s there, and Damian growls and grips Anita’s throat tighter. Anita does some stupid magic words that mean nothing, the ardeur flares up and Damian is like, well my penis is inside you now, and Anita starts instantly writhing around all over the floor and screaming. Like, as soon as his tiny, tiny penis touches her hoona.

For a book series that is lauded as being such great erotica and so sensual, why does Anita act like every female porn star (correction, how every female porn star is forced to act) in every single straight porn ever? People do not start thrashing around and screaming from the second penetrative sex starts. That’s… that’s not how sex works. Ever.

Plus that Clair woman is still in the room. Just watching this happen. And unable to get out of the house now.

Damian then grabs at Anita’s face, forces her to look at him because THERE CAN’T BE A SINGLE FUCKING SEX SCENE THAT DOESN’T SEEM RAPEY, and then thrust away so hard that Anita starts screaming again, and Nathaniel is just sort of… there, and Anita’s convulsing everywhere, as if she’s having a fit. Has Damian even let go of her neck? I can’t tell. Damian is just sort of arched above her and they’re all ‘caught in an endless loop of pleasure’.

Even though he just stuck his penis inside her and is doing nothing else. Pfft. That’s terrible sex. That is really bad sex. This is really boring sex. And this is supposedly daring, innovative erotica? HAH.

We ended in a sweating, bloody pile on the floor.

Is no one stopping Anita’s open neck wound? She must have a literal hole in her neck.

I turned my head and found that Richard was still there, but it wasn’t fear on his face now, but a sort of wonderment.

…. I really think that Anita can’t read human facial expressions, at all.

I was naked in the middle of sex with one man, maybe two, depending on how you counted things, yet, suddenly I had the moral high ground. Weird.

I wish to purify this earth with fire.

Poor Clair. She almost got eaten by a crazed vampire and now has to watch this… thing happen.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter sixteen

I went to the stairs, expecting to see them struggling on the steps, but the stairs stretched empty. I ran down the stairs toward the sound of fighting. Richard has taken the fight out into the living room, so he had room to use his long arms and legs.

These books blow my mind sometimes with the sheer incompetence of imagery and word composition.

Here’s a rewritten version, by yours truly;

I flung myself down the stairs, following the sound of the fight. The scuffle had moved into the loving room, the hallway not giving them enough space to really do some damage to each other.

More movement, more meaning, and less repetition.

Anita comes in to see Richard deliver a perfect roundhouse kick to Damian’s face. Because obviously Richard can do that.

Back foot set, front foot, set but loose, body partially turned to give that pivoting strength, the way when you land a fist you turn the fist into the skin for that extra bit of harm.

LKH, I don’t think you’ve ever punched anyone, have you? That is the weirdest way to describe punching someone in the face. There’s also another woman watching Richard beat the shit out of Damian, but as it’s a woman, Anita couldn’t give a fuck.

Well, here’s her excuse.

I was standing too close to the fighting to sightsee.

And yet she gives a blow by blow account of a roundhouse kick? Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

If Damian had just been a big bad vamp in my house, I’d have gotten my gun and finished him, but he wasn’t a villain.

No, he just enjoys murdering people and goes into manic rages because of his mind link with Anita.

Somehow it was all my fault.

It generally is.

Damian roars and runs forward while Anita whitters and refuses to use her NECROMANCY POWERS WHICH COULD STOP ALL THIS and Richard kicks him in the chest.

If he’d been human it would have dropped him, but he wasn’t human, and it didn’t.

Thanks for that Anita. For a moment, I forget that they were a vampire and a werewolf fighting, despite you reminding me in the last paragraph.

Damian then gets very, uh, ‘wily’ and launches himself at Anita. For reasons, I suppose.

A tome nage throw is the only throw in judo where you commit your whole body to it. Most throws have variations you can do at the last minute if they don’t work, but the tome nage either works or it doesn’t. You fail, and your opponent is on top of you in a perfect position to pin you. But I hadn’t chosen the throw, it had been the only move Damian’s attack left me. I had seconds to do it right or have him eat my face. So when I kicked up with my feet, I gave it all I had. I’d forgotten that all I had was more than it used to be.

Doesn’t all of this make you think ‘wow, what a desperate and frantic life-or-death struggle is taking place! Gosh, this is just so gripping and tense and I’m so worried that Anita might get hurt!’

If you’ve got a frantic, fast, and dangerous fight, then DON’T DESTROY THE SCENE BY GOING ON FOR HALF A FUCKING PAGE ABOUT A JUDO MOVE. It slows everything down. I don’t care how much research you’ve managed to actually do, because going into the dry specifics of a judo move slows everything down and I don’t care. I don’t care about the precision of doing a tome nage when this is supposedly a desperate fight where a woman is trying to stop a vampire from ripping off her face with his bared teeth.

Damian flew through the air again, but it wasn’t his supernatural powers this time.

Yeah, even though you didn’t actually show, depict, or write him as actually flying in the last chapter. You said it happened, and we saw zero evidence for it. Someone says ‘wow’, and then Anita realises that she kicked Damian into the random woman. So I guess she’s losing her face instead. ‘Clair’ starts to scream and run, and Damian is like ‘NOM NOM FACES’ and starts to chase her. Richard goes after him, and then something weird happens?

All Richard has time for was to rush Damian, to crash into him, and take them both to the floor.

He had the vampire down but not pinned. Richard screamed. His shoulders blocked my view, and I had to move around to their heads to see Damian’s mouth buried into Richard’s upper chest.

Ok, let’s try to make sense of this – with badly drawn pictures!

So, this is what’s happening:


Richard, Damian, and Clair are all running towards this door, in this order.

Now, this is what should have happened:


After all, both Richard and Damian have super speed, and they are explicitly stated to be using it to catch up with Clair. Clair is not mentioned as using super speed, even though given that Richard knows her she is probably part of the supernatural community. Damian, logically, should have caught up with her, and she should be part of this. But she isn’t.

Instead, Damian ends up buried face first in Richard’s chest, like this;


(The letters show where their faces are).

However, it’s mentioned as being ‘a crash’, taking them ‘both to the floor’. So, how exactly did Damian flip round?

He should have landed like this;


With both of them facing downwards, towards the floor. And Damian having a gigantic spoon head.

Richard makes a ‘preternatural rookie mistake’. ‘Vampire bites are like snake bites; if the snake has a good grip, you don’t just yank it off’. Anita then goes off on a ridiculous tangent about venomous snakes, as if that’s relevant, and then this single bite TO THE UPPER CHEST somehow rips off Richard’s entire shirt and a big lump of flesh.

Are we ignoring the fact that a snake’s teeth are completely different from mammalian teeth? And that snake fangs break off all the time and aren’t really that strong? So, I guess if a snake bites you, it’s awful, but you could just pull it off and the damage would be a lot less than, say, a huge dog biting you and refusing to let go. I mean, snakes don’t just their fangs to grip onto meat to chew, rip, or tear – that’s what mammals do.

But what do I know? I’m not a biologist.

Anita and Richard are holding Damian down, and Richard’s got an injured arm, oh no, and Anita lifts Damian off and gets a choke hold around him, and oh teee heee heee she’s naked, did you realise that? She’s been naked this whole entire time!


She then worries about the fact she’s touching her breasts against Richard, instead of controlling the vampire who is trying to make a very serious effort to eat her face. She then waffles on about ‘the electric reaction’ of touching Damian and I still don’t understand why she can’t frigging use her NECROMANCY POWERS. You know, those powers that give her CONTROL OF THE UNDEAD.

JC then wakes up and immediately sends Anita a mind message that blames her for all of this.

I had no word for what Damian had become. In a different country it would have been demon, possessed, damned.

Those are all English language words, so why can’t you use them? And apparently England is some vast superstitious backwater. Thanks Anita! I’m always so glad to be treated with your geography lessons!

Anyway, Anita has to incapacitate Damian somehow. Hmmm, this is all sounding very familiar… this is like that other time Damian freaked out. And Anita used NECROMANCY POWERS TO CONTROL HIM. Why can’t you just order him, Anita? You’re his master, he’s your servant, that’s how the magic works.

I knew if you decapitated most vamps, they died. I’d never had the strength before to snap a neck this easily, so I’d never tried. If I snapped his spine would he die? Would he be crippled? Would spinal damage cripple a vampire?

Well, you’re not going to decapitate him by breaking his spinal cord. So, no, he won’t die. And he’ll heal magically. So, no, he won’t suffer any paralysis.

And then Anita looks through some door – god I have no idea what the floor plan for this place it it seems to be all made of doors – and Nathaniel is looking at Gregory’s (apparent) corpse at the bottom of the stairs. Nathaniel, who is covered in blood as if he was freakin’ Alice Morgan, and then comes over to hold Damian’s arm down.

Anita why aren’t you using those fucking magical powers of yours why is this so awful

Anyway, JC insults Anita for two pages until she figures out that she’s ‘shielded’ against Damian and this is making him into a murderous psychopath. No, it’s because he IS a murderous psychopath, love.

There’s a page or so of waffle about Anita’s awful metaphysical magic bollocks and I don’t care. This has been a big ole cul-de-sac into nowheresville. Anita has a revelation that Damian is a revenant – no he’s not, a revenant is an animated corpse, a totally different thing entirely – so JC has to talk Anita through HOW TO BIND THE DEAD USING MAGIC, A THING SHE DOES EVERYDAY FOR HER FUCKING JOB.

It’s her job, and she has to rely on a man to support her through an action she literally does every day.

Anita Blake is the exact opposite to female empowerment.

Now there’s a lot of blood everywhere and everyone’s covered in it.

when is this pointlessness going to stop just kill him already

oh no wait this is going to CONTINUE FOR ANOTHER CHAPTER. Arghhhhhh just stop this no one gives a fuck about Damian just kill him

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter fifteen

Anita opens up the chapter by running around the top corridor of her home, trying to chase Damian down.

How the fuck does she manage to write with absolutely no awareness of what she’s producing?

They are upset that Damian may have gone a little out of his mind.

The last time Damian had gone mad, he’d killed several people, butchered them, not just fed.

And the Grand High and Mighty Vampire Executioner Anita Blake didn’t kill him… why?

Give me a fucking reason why she can’t do her fucking job and kill Damian for being a fucking murderer and a menace to the public – other than he’s apparently attractive. Seriously, why the fuck is she keeping Damian around? What does he add to anything? Why is he even here? What is the point of Damian? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BULLSHIT LITTERING THESE BOOKS?

If it had been my fault before, somehow it was my fault again.


I went for the room that Damian had gone into, but I never made it, because he came tearing out of it and nearly ran me down.

Why is it that LKH can’t even get a simple sentence sounding right? EVERY WORD IS NOTHING BUT PAIN.

Anita decides to hook her legs around Damian and he responds by slamming her into walls and trying to rip her throat out. She uses her… super speed to keep his head away from her.

He pushed the strength of his madness against the push of my hands –

what the fuck does that even mean

– and he began to press my arm inward.

Gosh it’s almost like speed doesn’t beat super strength.

I don’t know if he’d been sane whether my new metaphysics would have helped more, but he wasn’t sane, and crazy anything is stronger than sane.



………. what the holy hell. what the holy hell

Can you please stop this fucking nonsense about mental illness, LKH. Honestly. It’s not cute or funny, it’s just fucking insulting.

If he’d been a bad guy, I’d have torn into him and done my best to take him out before he took me out, but Damian wasn’t a bad guy, and whatever was wrong was somehow my fault.

He literally went on a murderous rampage before and you’re still claiming he’s not a bad guy?

Damian was like a human on angel dust, stronger even than he’d been, because there was no one home to help him regulate his force.

Jesus fucking Christ do you actually know anything about drugs or did you just read a Chick Tract on them once

Ok, PCP does not make people stronger. It’s a dissociative drug. It makes your brain feel detached from your body – so, people will appear stronger, sure. Because their minds can’t perceive what their bodies are doing, and therefore can’t tell what’s too heavy or what’s too hot or whatever. But people aren’t actually stronger because that is not how drugs work.

Seriously LKH do some fucking research it won’t kill you

Nathaniel and Gregory are here to wrestle Damian into submission instead of Anita being forced to actually, you know, use her necromancy abilities for once. Damian, being that he’s on a rampage, attacks Gregory. Somehow, despite Nathaniel still hold him and Anita still clinging to his middle and being face to face with Damian, Damian pins Gregory to the floor and starts chewing his arm.

I was almost to them, when Damian remembered he could fly.

since fucking when could damian fly

you realise that you’re supposed to edit the first draft of the manuscript you farted out before you give it to your agent

Anyway, Damian was a viking warrior and Gregory and Nathaniel are sent flying – which, despite what the book says, he doesn’t appear to be doing. He then whirls around for Anita, who’s been standing and watching i don’t know how what is happening why is nothing making sense and she’s like, clearly I can take a trained viking warrior because i did a class of judo once

She throws Damian across the hall with her super powered strength that she’s never really used before.

But a figure rose above him, coming up the stairs. It was Richard Zeeman, local Ulfric, Wolf-King, ex-fiance, and in the wrong place at the worst time. I had a few seconds to see that his hair had grown out just enough to give some curl to his woefully short locks, that the white T-shirt made his fading tan summer-dark with contrast, that he was still one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen. Then the vampire turned, noticed him, and launched himself at Richard. He balanced them both for a second, then the other man’s weight took them both, and Richard fell backward down the stairs, with the vampire riding him. They vanished from sight, and over the sound of their bodies falling down the stairs, I heard a woman start to scream.

Hopefully, Richard and Damian fell onto a pair of upturning pitchforks and are now slowly bleeding to death on the tile floor.


A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter fourteen

I woke to early morning sunlight. It left me blinking and only after I could see through the warm dazzle of it, did I wonder, Where am I? and Why am I on the floor? Why was I naked on the floor? Without turning my head, I saw the chair legs and the little raised area that was my breakfast nook. Okay, I was on the floor of my own kitchen, naked. Why?

The lack of concern, panic, or fear is really telling, isn’t it? It’s because Anita is constantly falling unconscious and waking up in strange places. This is not a good thing. Anyway, Anita magically remembers what happened and then she looks around and, uh oh, Damian is laid out on the floor in the sunlight and this is bad because we might lose his richly nuanced character.

Damian is rolling around and screaming as if he was on fire, but he’s not. Oh, the melodrama. Nathaniel and Anita are trying to stop him screaming but to no avail. He just rolls around on the floor like a fish. He appears to have absolutely no survival instinct.

Then the front door bursts open which fills the kitchen with light because, somehow in this MAGIC HOUSE, the front door is connected to the kitchen.

Like, shouldn’t it be the back door? And you can’t say that the front door is off the kitchen, because I’m fairly sure that Anita’s come in through the front door before and not ended up in the kitchen. Is this a magic house? Is it some sort of home where if you walk in the front door you magically end up in the exact room you want to be in? Or is it that LKH is a lazy writer? YOU DECIDE.

Gregory, one of the wereleopards, comes in. Oh god I can’t remember which one this is, there are too many. Oh right the rapist with a conveniently tragic past to excuse his actions.

That sentence can be applied to literally 99.9% of the male characters in this book series. That is so fucking depressing.

This makes Damian run from the room, at last.

Nathaniel followed him in that faster-than-the-eye-can-see seed that shapeshifters have, and they’d both turned the corner before I got to it.

That has NEVER EVER COME UP IN THE BOOKS BEFORE NOW. How long have shapeshifters had magic running powers? Why has Anita, who has hunted down shapeshifters before now, not ever mentioned this? Why haven’t any shapeshifter killed in the series so far felt the need to use this little skill to get away? How come shapeshifters are subject to laws killing them on sight when they so obviously cannot be killed by human means – if they can just whizz away like Quicksilver?

You’re just making this up as you go along, aren’t you, LKH.

Why should people give a shit about your works when you so clearly couldn’t give a fuck?

In his panic, Damian had run up, not down, up into the part of the house where the vampires rarely went. Up into the part of the house where the drapes were open and the morning light streamed in. Shit.

Why are all your curtains open? Who’s been going around your house opening up the curtains? How do you know the curtains are open?

Also, I guess that Damian might die or something. Oh no. What a tragic thing. How will we ever recover from this great loss.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Incubus Dreams’ chapter thirteen

Anita decides to embrace the ardeur. Why? I’m not sure. It goes against everything she stands for, everything she holds dear, and everything she has faith in. But LKH wants to write lots and lots of orgies, so fuck characterisation and depth, it’s penis-in-every-orifice time.

Not that LKH would ever write anything so déclassé as that. She has to use artful euphemisms, which suggests a certain reluctance and embarrassment on the subject. If it’s a dick in the mouth, just say what it is.

It’s astounding how much I will have to talk about penises in regards to these books from now on. It’s weird.

Jean-Claude had told me that if I could only stop fighting it wouldn’t be so terrible.

Only that phrasing implies that it’s still bad. Tell me again why JC thought passing this on to Anita was a good idea? And why it shows that he’s a loving and caring boyfriend, not an abusive donkey-butt?

I was okay with Damian’s green coat sliding to the floor, even if it did leave his upper body pale and naked, with the fine muscles gliding under skin the colour of fresh, white sheets.

That’s… like, not sexy. I don’t find sheets sexy.


Anita looks deep into Nathaniel’s eyes, and sees how much he loves her (i.e. how much he loves her money and her fine skin, perfect for tanning). This freaks her out – this sex will mean so much more to him than to her, and she can’t go through with it. She pulls away, clearly and obviously withdrawing her consent.

So, of course, Nathaniel grabs her face and forbids her from pulling away from him.


Damian reminds Anita that it’s this, or blood. She still does not want to have sex, saying that it feels ‘wrong’ and for Nathaniel to ‘let go’. He grabs her and kisses her, meaning that now she’s all ardeur-ified and can’t fight back.


This is rape.

This is yet another sex scene that is actually rape.

Sigh. Come one, come and defend how ‘progressive’ this series is. I’m dying to hear how it’s so liberating for women.

Anita’s lack of consent is glossed over as everyone starts ripping off everyone else’s clothes. Guess that tuxedo company aren’t getting their tux back.

There was one leg left of my pants, pooled around my ankle. My vest flapped open, and the shirt was in shreds. It was Damian’s hand from behind that grabbed a handful of my panties and pulled, ripping them off my body, leaving me nude from the waist down.

This could be hot but seeing as ANITA DOES NOT CONSENT TO SEX then this is just more violent imagery I could do without in this context. She then stares at the ‘ripeness’ of Nathaniel. I guess he’s ready for slicing up and using in a stew, like a nice ripe marrow or courgette.

Just use the word ‘erection’. There. It’s not a scary word to use.

He seemed thick and heavy with need, as if the lightest touch might make him spill that ripeness out and over me.

I’ve had tomatoes like that before, when they get so overripe that the skins start to burst.

The point I’m making is that when you use vague metaphors that they’re very prone to misinterpretation. Just say that he looks like he’s about to cum on you, for god’s sake.

I started to reach for him, but Damian chose that moment to brush the head of his own ripeness against the back of my body.

I see that Damian’s brought a butternut squash to this vegetable party!

I’d never even seen Damian nude, and now he was about to plunge that nudeness into my body.

… He’s going to climb inside you? STOP HIM!

He rode out from his body, so it was harder to judge length. He seemed carved of ivory and pearl, and where the blood ran close to the surface he blushed pink like the shine inside the seashell, delicate and shining.

… If Damian has a shiny light pink dick, there’s something seriously wrong with him. That’s a clear sign there’s some sort of serious medical problem here!

Nathaniel grabs her front and starts begging. Anita’s mind is full of the lovely image of him just thrusting away through her stomach or some sort of opening anywhere on her body, straight from his mind. He wants to hump open wounds on her body. Lovely. Damian is thinking of his generic angsting because um character or something.

Someone kissed me, hard and fast, forcing my mouth open, pushing his tongue so far in I almost choked, but it brought me back, brought us all back from that lonely room and the sound of the sea on the rocks below.

Could just one of Anita’s men be not rapey? Just once?

Nathaniel drew back enough to say in a harsh whisper, “Happy thoughts, Anita, happy thoughts.” Then his mouth was on mine, tongue, lips, even teeth light against my own lips, so that it was more eating than kissing, but it brought a whimper from my throat, a small helpless sound of pleasure.

Yeah, tack on that pleasure to the end of the paragraph. Hide the fact that it reads like it’s been lifted from some harrowing survivor’s account. My god, how do you fail at writing so much that you are incapable of writing a consensual sex scene?

Damian and Nathaniel grope all over Anita – Anita, who in keeping with the totally rapetastic atmosphere, is just sat there. She is sat there, refusing to interact or be active in the scene, letting them do what they want until it’s all over and she can leave.



Anita then starts to scream.


If anyone was ever to produce a rape scene bingo sheet (for example, as to point out how badly written they often are, and how overused they are in terms of being part of a female character’s development), this scene would win LKH a cuddly toy of her choice.

I feel awful that I’m trying to keep this amusing. I would like to point out that none of this is amusing to me. I don’t find LKH’s obsession with having Anita raped over and over especially amusing.

Damian flashes back to his non-history and starts to freak out.

Nathaniel screamed, “Noooo!”

*swats with newspaper* You stop doing that.

Anyway, Damian starts to angst about how he has absolutely no good memories, so now Anita has to order him, as his master, to have sex with her. Entirely removing Damian’s consent as well.

Anita, for once, has a moral thought and thinks that this is wrong. Damian starts to guilt trip her because ‘she doesn’t want to do this’. Yeah, she doesn’t. And you’re trying to force her, you rapist shitbag. I hope your dick gets chewed off by a rabid dog. Nathaniel starts to beg her to force Damian because he’s just soooooo sad. Anita gives him a gentle kiss, to try and make him at least feel a little better (just kill him Anita just kill him) so he grabs her and force kisses her to the point that her mouth starts bleeding.

Then Damian’s angst hits them all again.

We screamed, and writhed, and I could not control it.

If you write lines like this with no self-awareness, then you need stop and having an outside source read your work.

Everyone then passes out.

Stop using unconsciousness as a way to end scenes, LKH. It just means that you had literally no other way to stop this. You’re a lazy, lazy hack.