A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter fifty two


In case you have yet to hear, there is no God. Or, he’s actively punishing us all.

I woke in the dark with the comforting weight of bodies around me.

I would find that incredibly uncomforting. I like sleeping on my own. My space is my space, ya dig. Anita is in bed with everyone so… I guess the whole plot-shit pile that was BM is now over, having done nothing and achieved nothing other than taking up space. Micah and Nathaniel are pressed close to Anita, because they are creepy fuckers, and Cherry and Zane are there. Because.

I’d found that the silk sheets at Jean-Claude’s were especially hard to keep track of in my sleep.

Because silk is slippy? Also, holy hell, why would you want silk sheets? They stain really easily and make you sweat like a hog.

I wasn’t sure what had awakened me, but I knew that the wereleopards had better hearing and better sense of smell than I did. If it hadn’t alerted them, it was probably a dream.

Then I heard it, very, very faint. It was my phone, sounding like it was ringing from the bottom of a deep well.

I guess the wereleopards don’t really have good hearing if Anita is woken up by a phone and they aren’t. Anita can’t answer it because she is pinned down by Micah and Nathaniel – creepy, you two are creepy – and then Cherry answers it for her. That’s a bit presumptive. You don’t know who it is and whether Anita is comfortable with you speaking for her. Anita tries desperately to get the phone but Cherry refuses to hand it to her. She gives it to Zane, who gives it to Nathaniel.

Because, clearly, a man must do the talking for Anita.

Why the fuck won’t you give the phone to Anita? You know it’s Zerbrowski, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Zerbrowski, when Anita gets the phone, makes gross jokes about her being with a girl, hurrr hurrr hurrr. I am not impressed. Anyway, there’s been another murder by the shape-shifter rapist, even though that crucifixion murder has not been shown to be connected to the other murders, and the shape-shifter angle was just brought in by Dolph to arrest Jason after Jason contaminated a crime scene.

This plot has about enough weight as a particularly small feather.

I almost asked how he was holding up, but it’s against the guy code. You’re supposed to pretend you don’t notice anything’s wrong.

Apparently, being a good ‘guy’ friend is being a fucking asshole.

Pretend, and it will go away. Sometimes, because I am a girl, I’ll break the guy code, but today I’ll let it stand. Zerbrowski had a long day ahead of him, and he was the man in charge. He couldn’t afford to look at this feelings right now. It was more important that he held together than that he understood what he was feeling.

What’s with all the gender essentialism? Plus, why are you implying that Anita cares about other people? Because we fucking know she doesn’t.

Zerbrowski started to give directions, and I had to tell him to wait until I had a pen and paper. There was no pen and paper anywhere in the room. I was finally reduced to writing directions in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. Zerbrowski was laughing his ass off by the time I found the lipstick and started drawing on the mirror.

  • Zerbrowksi isn’t feeling anything about the ongoing murder and rape spree. He is a giggling chucklehead.
  • Anita, being called out to crime scenes is part of your job. You sleep at JC’s a lot. Aren’t you prepared for doing your fucking job?
  • No, that would require her to be competent.
  • ‘started drawing on the mirror’. That is the weirdest description of writing I’ve ever heard. I guess you could say that writing is like a type of drawing or are you actually drawing a map?
  • You’ve ruined that lipstick. Couldn’t you use eyeliner on toiler paper?

Anita, being utterly brainless, suggests letting another shape-shifter onto the latest crime scene. Yeah, ’cause it worked so well the first time round. Zerbrowski then reveals that Missouri is considering getting ‘varmit’ laws where people are allowed to shoot shape-shifters on sight.

Um, aren’t they already the law in Missouri? Like, they’ve been brought up several times in the books already. They were a plot point in one of the last books. Continuity! You need it, or your books are trash. More than they already are.

Oh, and then Zerbrowski reveals there’s been a message at the murder scene that magically connects the crucifixion murder to the other murders, isn’t that convenient. And also the crucified guy is totally connected to that terrorism plot that went nowhere.

Genius. A work of plotting genius. It’s clearly all coming together. What a work of great literature.

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10 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter fifty two

  1. Every time I see something like that about Fifty Shades, I keep thinking I should just write and self-publish on Amazon, and see what happens. Clearly, you don’t need much talent to make a mint.

    Anita’s “puppy piles” were always a little more than weird to me. Is it more indicative of a sort of “self-domestication,” since they’re clearly in no way shape or form actually acting as wild animals (except when the plot demands it), or does Laurell just love the idea of being smothered in her sleep?

    • Apparently Amazon are real dicks about taking money from authors, so be aware!

      The idea of sleeping in a ‘puppy pile’ is abhorrent to me. I have enough trouble sharing a bed. DOTTIE DOESN’T SHARE SPACE.

  2. Oh god, ELJ refers to writing those characters as her “happy place”. I did *not* need to know that.

    “Anita tries desperately to get the phone but Cherry refuses to hand it to her. She gives it to Zane, who gives it to Nathaniel.”

    Wow, what wonderful people they are. Sure, Anita’s being called to come to *yet another* crime scene, but first we have to play keep away.

    “Zerbrowski, when Anita gets the phone, makes gross jokes about her being with a girl, hurrr hurrr hurrr.”

    Zerbrowski, this isn’t helping. You’re a police officer, and you’re on duty – act like it.

    “there’s been another murder by the shape-shifter rapist”

    Oh yeah, that was a thing, wasn’t it? You’ll have to excuse me for forgetting, given how it’s been ignored for so long.

    “I almost asked how he was holding up, but it’s against the guy code. You’re supposed to pretend you don’t notice anything’s wrong.”

    Okay, where did Anita learn this “guy code”? Because it looks like macho bullshit to me, and I *am* a guy. Zerbrowski’s supposedly you’re friend, Anita – it’s okay to express concern for him.

    “Zerbrowski was laughing his ass off by the time I found the lipstick and started drawing on the mirror.”

    Oh wait, never mind. He’s clearly fine. And an asshole.

    Also, what’s up with the whole “no pen/use lipstick” thing? This adds nothing to the scene.

    “Continuity! You need it, or your books are trash. More than they already are.”

    These books barely have any continuity in the first place. If it doesn’t directly concern Anita or someone she’s sleeping with, LKH seems to forget it between books.

    “Oh, and then Zerbrowski reveals there’s been a message at the murder scene that magically connects the crucifixion murder to the other murders, isn’t that convenient. And also the crucified guy is totally connected to that terrorism plot that went nowhere.”

    Ah, I see this was written when LKH’s agent/publisher said she couldn’t have another extension and gave her a hard deadline. You can’t just stitch a bunch of sub-plots together and call it a book, Laurell.

    • Eurgh, do not want. *shudder*

      Playing keep away is the best thing to do when there’s a murderous gang of rapists running around.

      To me, it reads like LKH just wanted a book focusing on vampire politics – that’s where the majority of the plot is focused, and the murder mystery chapters are very unconnected from everything else. They’re at the beginning, a bit in the middle, and at the end – like they were inserted after the fact, by someone else suggesting it perhaps?

      Plus nice to talk again dude now i am back on the spork train

      • You’d think vampire politics would be interesting enough on their own – master manipulators, with centuries of experience, alliances, and grudges. And then I remember that it’s LKH writing it. Still, I have to wonder why she felt the need to include the murderer/terrorist thing.

      • I guess she might be obligated to? The books are sold as murder mystery/erotica, so they do have to have at least a little bit of murder. (There is never any mystery)

      • Well, here’s an idea – big vampire get-together, and one of the main players gets murdered. Everyone in attendance has motive, and Anita is the only one with the legal authority to do anything with the killer, while also being a major suspect herself. Boom.

        Yes, it bares some similarity to Kim Newman’s Vampire Romance – but it still manages to mesh vampire politics with a mystery.

  3. I have just one comment. I do afterhours standby phone duty for my agency (environmental protection). When people call afterhours with an emergency they get me. I don’t have to respond, but I have to get the information and decide if it’s necessary to send someone. And I get to roist whoever I need for the response out of bed.

    In any case, while I am on phone duty I take the phone, a notebook and a pen whenever I go. If I’m in bed they are beside my within arm’s reach. So, yes, Anita is an unprofessional asshole. But we all knew that.

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