Personal update

Hey guys,

My update schedule has been terrible since last September. I’ve dropped from posting mostly everyday to barely posting at all, and most of you know why. I told you all that a relative developed a serious illness last year and I was too distracted to focus on the blog as well.

At the beginning of this month, I learnt that my father’s cancer is terminal. It is very likely that he will die in a few months. I had no desire to talk about it publicly before now because my father has always been private and because I hoped that his cancer would go into remission, and I could just forget all about this. It would be just this thing that had happened to my family once, and it wouldn’t have to be something I’d ever have to think about again.

But now it’s something that will always be part of our family’s history. It will have to be something that I think about with each passing day, with each passing moment. Whenever and wherever I go in my life, whether I marry, whether I have children, whether I ever live the dream and become the totes bigshot author with the book deal and the film rights and the huge cult following, I will have to do this all without my father supporting me and getting to see me grow and be happy. Contemplating a life without my dad is impossible, unthinkable – if you were to ever meet my Dad, you would understand exactly why I am the way I am. We have the same sense of humour, the same need to critique and pull things apart, the same stubbornness; in our own way, we have the same seam of melancholy inside us and the same way of seeing the world around us. (Apart from evolution, surprisingly. We always fight about that!)

I am coping as well as can be expected. We are all coping as well as can be expected. I guess I just need to try and talk about it more. My mental state is not great, but I’m trying to keep as strong as I can. It’s not something you ever get prepared for, really. It’s something that happens to us all, but you never expect it until the worst happens.

I’ll try and get to trashing Anita Blake soon. I find it therapeutic and a lot of fun, which is something I do need right now. I’m trying to get more productive (because I haven’t done anything since I found out) and try to get some sleep (which, again, I haven’t really done since I found out).

Until then, go and educate yourselves on bowel cancer. It’s the third most common cancer, and it doesn’t get much attention. It can be very aggressive in the under fifties. Help raise awareness. Donate if you can to any local charities. That’s all I am going to say for now. Anything else and this will descend into a blubbery mess of not-words.

Dottie x

8 thoughts on “Personal update

  1. I’m sorry. Even though I’ve just followed you recently, it hurts to see someone with your sense of humor succumb to despair like this. I hate to see people suffer when it comes to an illness in the family that leaves a small time frame until it takes over.

    I wish I could tell you to stay hopeful, but you’ve already explained why you can’t. I’m truly very sorry.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Learning to cope with this sort of thing is such an incredibly steep learning curve and you can never really know whether you’re getting it right. You just hope that there will be something that will make everything feel right again. I just don’t feel grown up enough to deal with any of this yet!

  2. That sucks terribly. I went through something similar; my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer over ten years ago. In his case, though, his dad had died about five years before hand of the same thing, so he was pretty proactive about dealing with it, and he’s been fine ever since. (His PTSD, diabetes, and other issues are an entirely different manner, unfortunately.) I don’t know how I would have coped with him being terminal, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through now. But I’m sorry to hear that it’s happening.

  3. I am very sorry Dottie. As you’ve said, this isn’t something you can prepare for. My father had been suffering from a serious case of PKD for as long as I can remember, but when he died three years ago, it still felt so unexpected. Sometimes, it will be very hard to stay strong but you and your dad can still support each other. My thoughts are with you and your family. Even though we don’t know each other (I’ve always been a very shy fan of yours), if you ever want to vent or talk about something, I’m here; I know how hard it can get.

  4. I’m terrible with words, but I can’t just not say anything so I’ll say the only thing I can think of which is I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and I can’t imagine what you must be going though. I can’t imagine losing one of my parents and I just…I’m so sorry I’m literally crying right now, just silently sobbing. I hope you get through this

    • Don’t worry about not finding the right words – I felt the same when I wrote this, and I feel the same whenever I have to talk about this. We’re all taking each day at a time, just finding the strength and something good in each day to get through to the next. Sometimes it’s harder, and a lot of the time I feel like I’m never going to get through this, but I have to stay strong and remain. If I’m weak or brittle, then it affects my dad, and I don’t want him to worry about me right now.

      I’m really thankful for everyone’s kind words. Knowing that there’s good vibes and good support out there really helps 🙂

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