It wasn’t the apology I was expecting, but under the circumstances, any apology was better than none. Especially if I wasn’t having to give it.
That’s because you’re never sorry for any of the shitty stuff you do, isn’t it Anita? Because you’re a dead husk of a creature with no emotion and no thought.
Of course, it took them nearly five minutes to get me to hear their apology, because once I got a good look at the two of them in their banquet finery, I was rendered speechless, deaf, and damn near blind to anything else.
In this book where NOTHING HAPPENS, we are now taking a two page break to detail Asher and JC’s clothes. Sure, why the fuck not? It’s not like THERE AREN’T A MILLION SUBPLOTS THAT NEED RESOLUTION. And ‘deaf and damn near blind’? Fuck off, don’t use disability like that. But, sure, let’s go over clothes for two pages. Why not.
- He’s wearing a gold jacket with gold embroidery that’s metallic. Stay classy, Asher.
- Anita just goes on about how gold it is. I got the fucking idea when you called it gold.
- He’s got a frilly white shirt that looks like a ‘tamed cloud’. God, that’s ridiculous.
- Anita knows that the shirt isn’t soft. I have no idea how or why I should give a shit about that.
- He’s wearing matching shiny gold trousers. I see we’re back to period clothing as designed by the 1980s.
- There’s some sort of patten down the sides of his legs. Like a matador. An electro-pop matador.
- His boots are the colour of ‘oyster shells’.
- I think LKH was confusing them with the paint colour ‘oyster shell’ which is a sort of beige. Lovely. Pale beige with a gold metallic suit.
- The tops of the boots are ‘tied with brown leather belts’. Actual belts? I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for.
- Asher is ‘all shiny and gold and eye-catching. It was like noticing the sun’. Well…. um, it’s easy to notice the sun. It’s right there in the fucking sky. It’s not hard!
- JC is wearing a velvet coat. Velvet coats always make me think of badly dressed goths.
- ‘It was opera length, flowing down to his ankles’. Opera. Length. What in the ever-loving name of fuck does that even mean? Have you ever even seen a single opera in your life? They don’t wear flowing capes and bellow at each other for three hours, you know.
- There’s embroidery and shit all over it, but seeing as it’s in a really, really dark blue, I have no idea how the fuck she can see it.
- JC is wearing a cerulean blue shirt. Har har that’s the title of the book.
- Anita gets wet about JC’s amazing jewel blue eyes. Again. I GET IT SHE FINDS HIM ATTRACTIVE I DON’T CARE.
- He’s wearing a giant sapphire. Because MONEY! Also he has ‘cornflower blue’ sapphires in his cufflinks. MONEY!
- His hair is curly. ‘The black of his hair blended into the black of his coat, so that the hair was like a living accessory’. It’s actually a sapient creature. Maybe it’s a brain slug, and that’s why despite everyone calling JC a genius, he’s as thick as a ten-foot wide post.
- JC is wearing boots that go all the way up to his crotch. ‘The entire length of the boot from ankle to ass was tied with a blue cord that matched the startling blue of his shirt’.
This is all I get from those two fucking pages dedicated to clothes. I do not find this sexy.
I was caught between going yippy-skippy I get to play with them both, and running like hell.
COULD YOU TALK LIKE AN ADULT FOR FUCKING ONCE?
Anyway, Anita was so dazzled by this amazing display of masculine charm that she’s literally just been standing there with her mouth open. Getting ready for later, huh? JC just sighs because they are so gorgeous that Anita is unable to do anything because she can’t function as an adult human being in any situation. Asher sighs because he shouldn’t have to contain such gorgeousness, and then it turns out that Anita’s being mind-dazzled by some vampire. Possibly. Who knows? LKH doesn’t know, she’s too busy fapping.
Anita starts to stroke their clothes.
“Look at yourselves, and tell me that any mere mortal isn’t going to stand there and say wow, for a few minutes.”
Well, this ‘mere mortal’ (ffffffuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk yyyyyyyyyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu) would not say wow and stare. They all three talk about how amazing JC and Asher look.
i don’t care
Asher then starts apologising for ripping a huge chunk of Anita’s throat out and then falling conveniently unconscious so she was left helpless. This is because he was angry, probably because Anita’s hugely biphobic, but still, he came very close to killing her. He claims that he’s never done that to anyone before.
Yeah. The vampire has never ever ripped anyone else’s throat out. I believe that as much as I believe that the moon is made of feta cheese.
Anita forgives him because it’s clearly her fault that he decided to eat part of her neck.
This all means that Anita is in love with Asher because of JC’s shared memories. You know, that thing that was brought up as a plot-point IN BURNT OFFERINGS AND THAT THEY’VE ALL ALWAYS KNOWN ABOUT?
Do not piss on my steak and call in gravy. Don’t try and make up for your piss-poor writing by treating me like I’m stupid.
Anita talks about how she loooooooved licking Asher’s knees – OMG SO HAWT – and then she faints away because the memory of the orgasm is just too much to cope with.
No sex is that good, love. It’s not like it’s ice cream or fresh paella.
Anita then brings up that, oh yeah, BM’s been feeding on her and Richard. That’s only really important but we had to talk about the embroidery on Asher’s trousers.
“It is the old question of what would happen if an irresistible force met an immovable object.”
That the force would win?
“Asher being the irresistible force and me the immoveable object,” I said.
Then you’re going to lose in the end. This means something if the three of them want to sleep together. Anita says that if she drives Asher away, she’ll lose JC. Asher is annoyed that he’s being used as an excuse for Anita’s sexual experimentation and Anita takes her belt off, while thinking that she and Asher are the same.
In that you’re both murderous rapists. Then yes, you are a well-suited pair.
Anita starts stripping because she’ll have to be dressed all fancy too. I don’t know why. This is all more important than finding out that BM knows Anita doesn’t have the fourth mark, meaning that Anita could easily be turned into a servant to work against JC. But that’s to do with plot, so who the fuck cares?
Actually, it seems that BM could very easily kill Anita if she takes control of her. But that might work to make BM an actual antagonist, so everyone just ignores this revelation. Anita says that Asher is ‘destroyed’, smooth move there, and that how his punishment was to not have sex.
No one cares if he wasn’t allowed to get his dick wet. You know, some people – in fact, most people – can prioritise other things over sex. Sex is not THAT important.
Asher starts declaring that he would have rather died than have the punishment of no sex.
NO ONE CARES ASHER.
Asher and JC start fondling each other’s arms and Anita is SADFACE because they have a love she doesn’t understand so she immediately ruins their moment by shoving her big ugly face in it and demanding that they serve her.
Look, I can’t stand JC or Asher, they are disgusting, but I can’t stand Anita’s constant bi and homophobia. It sickens me.
She then casually reveals that the Mother of All Darkness has woken up.
BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT THE BUCKLES ON ASHER’S SHOES WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ACTUAL PLOT.
Asher thinks they should stop worrying about their relationship dramas until the knock-off Anne Rice plot has sorted itself out, but Anita just blames Asher for wanting physical intimacy with his boyfriend.
“Now, where are my clothes for this little dinner tonight?”
In the flames of Hell. Along with you.
Less than twenty chapters left. Where’s the ‘ancient crime’ from the blurb? What happened to that gangster who wanted a corpse raising? What is actually happening in this book?
I don’t think I’ll ever find out.