A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty one


I fought the ardeur on the drive to the Circus. I fought the ardeur when I ran through the parking lot and banged on the door.

I thought that Richard’s wanking fed the ardeur for her? And why the hell doesn’t Anita have keys to the Circus? Anita flails her way through the Circus while Richard is running around, trying to eat a deer. Huh. I thought he was unconscious and almost dead and unable to change.

Well, it doesn’t matter really, does it. LKH shouldn’t be expected to put effort into things.

Anita bursts into JC’s bedroom, and Asher is still passed out from ripping chunks out of her throat from earlier. How long has this day been? Anita throws out her mind to touch vampires.

I touched Angelito for a moment, and found him restless and pacing, confused, wondering why his mistress hadn’t succeeded in her diabolical plan.

Unless you’re making a parody or some sort of self-conscious fairy tale/adventure story riff, you’ve got no business in using the phrase ‘diabolical plan’ with seriousness.

Richard has to make a lady wolf take down a deer and then steals it from her. Because he’s an asshole.

Anita jumps into the bathroom, where JC is chillin’ in his black marble bath. Because he would have a fucking black marble bath, wouldn’t he. He ran a bath because he sensed he would need one, not that his girlfriend, who he professes to love nearly died and might need his assistance. Richard eats deer meat. Anita jumps into the bath fully clothed and screams.

JC whines about how he can’t save himself from the ardeur while Anita just rolls around and screams. And then starts convulsing in the water like a fish, possibly drowning herself. While JC just sits there and does nothing.

Thanks JC, I needed a reminder of why you’re a terrible person!

JC then whines some more about how he can’t help her, he’s got no blood in his body. Um, asshole, you don’t need a dick to sexually satisfy a woman. I thought JC was supposed to be lover-man supreme, but he doesn’t even think beyond slamming his cock in to make himself happy!

Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.

Anita begs him to feed on her and JC whines even more.

“I cannot shield us from our wolf, fight both your ardeur and mine, and fight my own bloodlust. It is too much.”

I have literally no idea what’s stopping him from going down on her. Other than him being a turdblossom. Anita gets full of ardeur and goes on and on and on for like a page about JC’s eyes.

They then quote Faustus at each other.

I am not joking.

“Was this the face that launched a thousand ships? Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!”

Marlowe’s Faustus is one of my favourite pieces of writing. LKH, THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC SCENE. IT’S THE SCENE WHERE FAUSTUS IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL, SO HE DECIDES TO SPEND HIS LAST NIGHT ON EARTH WITH HELEN OF TROY. SO, FORCING HELEN’S SOUL TO RISE FROM PURGATORY AND BE HIS SEX SLAVE AGAINST HER WILL. EXCEPT IT ISN’T, BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING DEMON AND THE DEVIL CAN ONLY GIVE YOU AN IMITATION, NOTHING REAL – AND FAUSTUS FUCKING KNOWS THIS. THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC THING TO QUOTE! IT’S ABOUT HOW LOST MAN IS WHEN HE GIVES IN TO TEMPTATION AND HOW MUCH FAUSTUS HAS BECOME LOST, YOU FUCKING HACK.

AND THEN JC QUOTES FUCKING MEPHISTOPHELES BACK AT HER. YOU KNOW, THE EVIL FUCKING DEMON WHO GETS PEOPLE TO SELL THEIR SOULS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BECAUSE HE’S AN EVIL FUCKING DEMON WHO DELIGHTS IN SUFFERING.

ANY OF THIS RINGING A BELL?

And then JC quotes Shakespeare because sdajkasdhasdfffffffffffffffffdasjhsdhjkds SHAKESPEARE IS TEH GREATEST WRITUR EVR AND WE MUST DRAG HIM INTO THIS MESS.

Ok, that got away from me there. I just studied the play for two years, and it was one of the works that inspired me to explore writing plays, and i get super fucking angry when people can’t even understand really simple literature.

Anyway, when JC quoted Shakespeare, Anita didn’t get it. JC said ‘oh, it’s one of Marlowe’s contemporaries’ and Anita whines.

“You gave me too big a clue,” I said, “Marlowe and Shakespeare are about the only contemporaries that people still quote.”

  • ‘too big a clue’. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Too easy? Too leading? ‘Too big’, to me, suggests that it isn’t specific enough to be a clue, but that would imply that Anita knows a lot of Elizabeth poets and dramatists? And I don’t think she does.
  • That is a terrible sentence. It implies that Marlow and Shakespeare are contemporaries now. Unless they’re Immortals, I don’t think so.
  • Well, to hacks, perhaps. But plenty of people still quote Jonson, Webster, Spencer, or Elizabeth I herself.

JC then gets huffy about drinking from Anita. I don’t know why. And even though it’s Anita’s ardeur that must be fed, she decides to suck him off. She gets angry at JC, and he just whines some more. Hot. Anita then gets angry that her adreur is not being fed so she decides to suck him off HARDCORE. Plus I have no idea how they’re doing this in the full bath without Anita drowning, it’s not like JC has moved or anything.

I covered him with my mouth again, and I did something that I could only do when he was at his smallest. I drew his balls, gently, into my mouth, so that I held all of him inside my mouth. It was the most amazing sensation to be able to hold him, to flick my tongue on the loose skin between his testes, to roll the delicate eggs of his body against my teeth and cheeks.

…. eggs?

Hot.

Plus all I can think about is her getting hair stuck between her teeth I’M SORRY THIS IS JUST THE WORST DESCRIPTION OF A BLOW JOB EVER

It was like if I could have held him inside me like this for days.

Why would you want to?

And the blow job continues for another whole page. Essentially, despite not getting erect, JC has a OHMYGODSUPERORGASMORIFIC ardeur feed.

“You are getting better at feeding the ardeur without true orgasm, ma petite!”

“I have a good teacher.”

Oh, so we’re finally acknowledging that you don’t have to have sex to feed the ardeur, just use sexual energy? And while it was ANITA’S ardeur that was flaring up, she had to feed JC’s because… um, he’s a guy, and he can’t have blue balls, I presume. I don’t know, I just want this chapter to end.

Anita sits and thinks about how pretty JC is, as if we haven’t heard that a thousand million trillion times before. She thinks about how great they are together, although we only ever see them having sex and talking about sex. We never see them interacting as a couple outside of having OHMYGODSUPERORGASMARIFIC sex. They never just sit down and watch TV, or go to the cinema, or just sit down and have a conversation. Anita tells him that she supposedly keeps a part of herself hidden from men to ‘keep myself from being consumed by love’, as if she feels real emotions.

Anita’s ardeur…. is now fed? I DON’T GET IT WHY CAN’T YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING. Anyway, she’s still willing for JC to feed on her, despite the pain, as long as it’s done in the middle of fucking. Fine.

I leaned into him, pressed a gentle kiss upon his lips, and said, “Her lips suck forth my soul: see, where it flies! Come, Helen, come, give me my soul again. Here will I dwell, for heaven is in those lips, and all is dross that is not Helena.”

HELEN IS A FUCKING DEMON. FAUSTUS HAS SOLD HIS ACTUAL LITERAL SOUL FOR NOTHING BUT HIS OWN FLEETING PLEASURE.

JC and Anita are going to fuck while telling each other lines from the play. Oh, yes, that sexy scene where Fautus and Mephistopheles cause a pie fight in the Pope’s palace. HOT.

“It is always poetry between us, ma petite.”

“Yeah, but sometimes it’s dirty limericks.”

JC undresses Anita and then whoops, her cross is there under her shirt! And despite the fact that this must have happened a million and one times before, seeing as Anita is a fucking vampire hunter, JC gets incredibly pissy because waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I mean, seriously. That seems to be the only reason. It’s not hurting him, and she could just… take it off, but waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

“Non, ma petite, you do not want this, or you would not cling to your holy object.”

SHE’S BEEN AT WORK, DINGBAT

SHE WAS WEARING IT BECAUSE SHE HAS TO FIGHT VAMPIRES

IT DOESN’T MEAN SHIT!

I HATE YOU JC I WANT YOU TO DIE IN A THOUSAND FIRES

Asher then walks in and he’s ssoooooooooooooo beautiful we have half a page dedicated to how gorgeous he is, then Anita’s cross starts to glow. Why does it glow?

Oh, you know, Asher woke up and decided to try and control Anita’s mind.

WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I am Sideshow Bob. And this book is a garden full of rakes.

I am going to watch Hannibal, try and find Methos fanfic, and try and forget how angry I got.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eggs.

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9 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty one

  1. Her description of a limp dick blowjob always kind of freaked me out. Just because I couldn’t imagine anything weirder than trying to slurp up someone’s “grower, not a show-er” penis into their mouth like a tiny turtle’s head.

  2. “Unless they’re Immortals, I don’t think so.”

    Oh, man, now I’m thinking about that episode of Highlander with the Immortal playwright who thinks everything he writes sucks.

    • I haven’t so BLESS YOU YOU A STAR LET ME GIVE YOU A++ FOR MAKING ME HAPPY

      seriously, had a shitty week as per usual so this gave me a smile that could vibrate the veneer off of cabinets.

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