A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty


Nathaniel, his eyes bled back to their normal lilac, had told me, “You passed out. You stopped breathing. Jason shook you, and you did this sort of gasp.” Nathaniel shook his head, face very serious. “We had to keep shaking you, Anita. You kept not breathing.”

Their response to Anita not breathing was to shake her until she just sort of stopped being unable to breathe through the power of plot convenience.

WHAT THE FUCK. HERE’S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WHEN SOMEONE PASSES OUT AND CAN’T BREATHE.

  • Check the person’s airway, breathing, and pulse. If necessary, begin CPR.
  • Loosen any tight clothing.
  • Help the person use any prescribed medication (such as an asthma inhaler or home oxygen).
  • Continue to monitor the person’s breathing and pulse until medical help arrives. Do NOT assume that the person’s condition is improving if you can no longer hear abnormal breath sounds, such as wheezing.
  • And, most importantly, CALL AN AMBULANCE AND EMERGENCY MEDICAL HELP.
  • DO NOT move the person unless it is absolutely necessary.
  • DO NOT wait to see if the person’s condition improves before getting medical help. Get help immediately.

It’s basic first aid! What first aid course taught LKH that SHAKING PEOPLE made them better?

Anita ignores the fact that Nathaniel was clearly and openly trying to kill her to think about The Mother of All Darkness. I am confused by the fact that Anita seems to know everything about this vampire, considering that she has never heard of MOAD before, never talked about her before, and never discussed anything to do with her. What, does the Force means she now knows everything about MOAD?

She didn’t think like a person, or rather she didn’t think like a nice, normal, civilized person.

Isn’t MOAD a prehistoric black lady? Well, brown people just aren’t nice, normal, or particularly civilised, I guess. *rolls eyes*

She thought like a sociopath – no empathy, no sympathy, no guilt, no compassion.

How do you know that?

In a strange way, that must be a very peaceful existence. Did you need more emotions than she possessed to be lonely? I’d think so, but I really didn’t know.Lonely was not a word I would have applied to her. If you didn’t understand the need for friendship or love, could you be lonely?

I dunno, are you lonely Anita? She asks Nathaniel abut whether you can be lonely if you’re a sociopath, but I don’t think Nathaniel does feel particularly lonely. Caleb doesn’t care, so Anita decides that he smells ‘good, all tender and scared’, so would like to eat him.

I had this image of Caleb’s pulse like a piece of hard candy that would come free all in one piece and be sucked and rolled around in my mouth.

i have no idea what's going on

Ok then.

Anita is all hungry and fired up with ardeur power, but she doesn’t know what’s happening and how she can feed it.

GOD FORBID THAT ANITA WORK OUT SOMETHING AND BE INTELLIGENT AND AWARE FOR ONCE. CAN’T HAVE THAT, IT’D CUT DOWN ON THE ENDLESS FUCKING PADDING.

Anita whines for a page about how she wants to eat Caleb but doesn’t know what’s happening. She asks Jason, who is in wolf form and cannot answer her at all, if he wants to eat Caleb. Side note, I thought werewolves were the size of ponies in this series. How come he’s sat casually in a seat of a Jeep like a REGULAR SIZED DOG? Oh, right, LKH puts no effort into her work, answered my own question.

People say that dogs are descended from wolves, but there are moments when I doubt that.

And I quote, ‘Bio-geek. Thought seriously about being a wildlife biologist before writing won out.’

A self-confessed bio-geek can’t understand that dogs were selectively and purposely bred from wolves over tens of thousands of years. Wow. I have no words for how failtastic that is.

There was nothing friendly, or sympathetic, or even remotely tame in those eyes. He was thinking about food. He met my gaze because he knew I’d caught him thinking about eating something that was under my protection, then he turned back to gaze at Caleb, and think of meat. Dogs never look at people and think, food, hell; they don’t even look at other dogs and think that. Wolves do. The fact that there is no recorded account of a North American wolf attacking a human being for food has always amazed me. You look into their eyes, and you know that there is no one home that you can talk to.

laugh

  • This was written by someone who supposedly knows about wildlife biology! This is like me claiming that aliens descended from on high and built the pyramids, it’s that ridiculous.
  • For a start, domestic dogs are much more violent and aggressive than a wild wolf will ever be. That’s because humans have bred dogs to be more aggressive and violent, and when people don’t train breeds properly (such as hunting dogs, guarding dogs, etc), you do get dogs that turn on their owners and turn on other dogs.
  • Wolves don’t look at humans and think ‘food’. Although it is true that there are wolf populations that survive by eating dogs – however, those are stray and feral dogs, and as such are outside the parameters of the example you’ve given me.
  • Wolves do not like attacking humans. Wild wolves are generally afraid of humans – they fall outside what they have known and experienced, making humans strange and unpredictable. Mostly, a wolf when confronted with a human may try to bite an extremity – may. They are more likely to be looking to get out of there as fast as they can.
  • There are only a few reasons why a wolf might be inclined to attack a human; starvation, rabies, and defence.
  • Defence – such as a female wolf with pups being cornered. She’s going to do everything she can to protect her pups, like ANY OTHER ANIMAL ON THE PLANET,
  • Starvation – in times of extreme drought or extreme weather, wolves might grow desperate enough to bring down humans. But that’s only in the most extreme of extremes. They’re more likely to try digging up graveyards before that point.
  • Rabies – that’s the main reason a wolf might start hunting humans. But, even then, rates of rabies among wolves is fairly low.
  • Oh, so it’s only North America Anita cares about? Going to ignore the two hundred attacks from 1950 to 2000 in South Asia? Of course she is, Anita Blake only cares about the safety and well-being of white people.
  • In short, you fail. So badly.

Anyway, Anita is puzzling until her puzzler is sore about the car that had been following them in the last chapter. Despite not wanting to lead them to the Circus just a few pages ago, she now decides to go straight to the Circus. And you’ll love her reasoning. You’re just going to love it.

“I can spot a clue if it bites me on the ass.”

Laughing tennant

Anita, you are most oblivious woman in fiction. You can’t spot anything, let alone a huge and obvious clue!

Anyway, everyone dithers over whether the people that parked up and stopped following the Jeep in the last chapter are still following the Jeep. Anita is upset because everyone knows she’s JC’s girlfriend somehow, almost like she’s treated as a famous celebrity and stuff about her and JC is common knowledge to everyone. Then hunger hits her and… Caleb runs away from her? In a Jeep?

Caleb ran. He spilled over the backseat, and Jason and I spilled after him. It was like being water, following the natural course.

What. What. Why is your writing soooooo bad?

Caleb is pinned against a wall in the cargo area – is this a Jeep or a fucking plane? – and then Anita suddenly has a magical mind link with Richard for no reason.

I saw him in my bathtub all those miles away. An arm darker than the tan Richard carried most of the year was across his chest, propping him up in the water, holding him. Jamil being a good Hati, making sure his Ulfric didn’t drown. It was what Jason had done for me earlier, minus the sex. Richard was a little homophobic. He didn’t like men who reminded him they liked men, especially if that man was himself. I couldn’t throw stones on that one; I was pretty much the same way around women. No matter how sophisticated I was supposed to be, I kept forgetting that another woman could find me attractive. Always caught me by surprise.

  • OK, so Anita’s talking about how Richard’s injured – and then goes off on a complete tangent to call Richard a homophobe. For NO DAMN REASON. That makes no sense in this context! What has that got to do with him being unconscious in a bathtub?
  • I have no idea how Richard is supposed to be this great big homophobe. He has never said anything about gay people, whether to say he is prejudiced or not.
  • Richard’s homophobia is only discussed in terms of queer men, because men can only be interested in the sexuality of other men? I guess queer women are just up for grabs because they’re sexy?
  • Richard has never said anything homophobic about another man – unlike you, Anita.
  • Richard has never expressed an interest, latent, repressed, or otherwise in other men. It is not homophobic to be sexually uninterested in people of the same gender.
  • Anita’s own issues with LGBT people can only be expressed by her talking about her own gender. Again, that’s weird.
  • ‘Oh, I’m so homophobic because I don’t like it when all these women keep hitting on me!’ Whut.
  • When has Anita ever been hit on by a woman?
  • It’s really homophobic to think that all queer women instantly are attracted to you because you are also a woman. That doesn’t happen.
  • Annnnnd she’s not bothering to mention about she’s always going on about how gross queer people are. Nope. Anita’s homophobia is such that it serves to flatter her ego and make her look more attractive.

Richard is unconscious but then starts talking. The hunger of the ardeur is actually his because….

or something

I have no idea. Then Richard is like ‘hey you can feed the arduerrrrerere with sex do you know that’ and Anita is all ‘OH MY GOD I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS POSSIBLE HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I DO NOT EVEN KNOW THAT’ and I’m all ‘oh my god i am going to beat you in the head with a cricket bat until you stop moving, Anita’. Then Richard changes Jason back into human form, Anita wants to eat Jason, so Richard decides that wanking is the only solution.

Of course.

And Jamil is still holding him down in the tub, I have to add. I guess I was wrong about Richard being possibly into other dudes. Or otherwise that’s just nasty.

Richard rubs his nips (GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT IS IT WITH NIPPLES) and then starts bucking around like he’s on a bronco or something.

It bowed his back, convulsed his hand where it gripped his body, made him fall back on the edge of the tub, his legs trailing into the water.

You’ve been watching too much porn. No one does that.

Richard then decides to go out and hunt a deer. Because.

He pulled away, but it wasn’t a clean break. Normally, his shields were solid like metal doors clanging down. Today, it was like taffy pulling apart, clinging to each other, huge tendrils of sticky, melting candy that even when pulled apart was still two halves of a whole. I wanted to pull us together, to melt into the heat until we were one big hot sticky mess.

And now the Jeep is five minutes away from the Circus. Like magic. All-righty.

Tomorrow, I’m turning twenty three. That’s almost a quarter of a century. Makes a girl think.

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2 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty

  1. That they shake Anita to make her breathe doesn’t sound like she has a medical problem. It sounds like she’s so stupid she just forgets to breathe. I imagine Jason shaking her going ‘breathe in, Anita! It’s not hard!’ And her whining in her head that she doesn’t understand what he means by breathe, she doesn’t know how to do this, if Richard were here he would refuse to help because he’s a meanie and that’s why Nathaniel is so much better.

    What Anita calls homophobia, most of the world calls being heterosexual. Richard’s ‘problem’ doesn’t seem to be that he’s homophobic, it’s that no one is willing to respect his personal boundaries, and he’s criticised for trying to enforce them. It sounds a lot like the misogynistic crap thrown at women. When Richard tries to tell men that he’s uncomfortable with them hanging off him half naked, making sexually explicit comments (which I can imagine JC doing), he’s homophobic. If a woman in that situation complains, she’s frigid or a bitch or a prude. Different words, with the same attitude of ‘how dare you complain and have boundaries! You should be willing to make yourself available for the pleasure of others at all times.’ It’s really not an attitude that I like seeing from a ‘heroine’.

    Also, well done of the ‘all homophobes are closeted homosexuals’. That’s really a stereotype that we need, LKH. Thanks.

    /Gets off soapbox/

  2. OH MY GOD WHY IS HER WRITING SO AWFUL

    like there’s so much bullshit here I can’t even begin to make a comment so I’ll just go with this:

    “Dogs never look at people and think, food, hell; they don’t even look at other dogs and think that. Wolves do.”

    Is…is she implying wolves look at other wolves as food? It might just be bad phrasing her on her part, but there have also been parts in later books with stuff like her tiger sensing that someone else’s tiger is afraid and “fear meant food” and like does she have this idea that all big predators are innately cannibals or something? Her understanding of animals and biology seems just shakey/shitty enough I could almost see it being the case. I say ‘almost’ cuz I don’t wanna think anyone with even a little interest in animals, as she claims to have, would be that uneducated (I was gonna type ‘stupid’ but then I thought, hey, to someone with no interest in critters maybe that makes sense), but…

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