A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twenty seven


Last time in Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, the titular heroine threw a tantrum because a man had cut his hair.

I know, it was pretty intense.

Anyway, Anita comes downstairs to find Caleb has answered the phone for her. Don’t remember who Caleb is? Well, LKH had thoughtfully written nearly a page of description to help remind us! Except that it doesn’t say anything about who he is, only what he looks like. Helpful. As it is, I remember him being part of Micah’s wereleopards and, like every other bloke in this entire series, a complete cock. But let’s treat ourselves to a few choice bits of Hamilton’s description:

He was cute enough in a young, boy-hooker, MTV sort of way.

‘Boy hooker’. Not only do you imply that all prostitutes are always dirty, filthy women, but avoid carrying any implication of same-sex action by not calling him ‘rent boy’. After all, gay men are just as filthy as filthy women.

He routinely went around with the top button of his jeans unfastened, his explanation was that the waistband irritated the belly piercing. I didn’t believe him, but since I had never even pierced my ears, I couldn’t really call him a liar.

Um, yes you can. The waistband of your trousers doesn’t go over your belly button. As someone with a belly button, you’d think Anita would know that. Caleb then starts stroking his nipples as he’s got new nipple piercings.

Caleb protests that he’s taking phone messages which Anita knows nothing about. She came downstairs to get said phone message and yet has instantly forgotten that.

He held out a small sheet of paper to me. His face was as neutral as he could manage, only that faint gleam in his eyes that he never quite lost. That look that said, I’m thinking wicked thoughts, about you.

And yet because he hasn’t raped or sexually assaulted her, Anita dislikes him.

I took a breath, let it out slowly, and went over to him to get the paper. I recognized the notepaper; it was one of the sheets we kept near the phone.

Caleb was taking a phone message for you. What were you expecting? That he’d written on the Magna Carta?

I looked at the note. I didn’t recognize the writing, which probably meant it was Caleb’s.

HE TOLD YOU HE HAD TAKEN A PHONE MESSAGE FOR YOU. WHO ELSE DID YOU THINK HAD TAKEN THE MESSAGE? SANTA CHRIST?

Zerbrowski has asked Anita to call him as Dolph is on a two week holiday. Caleb reveals that Micah has asked him to ‘baby-sit’ Anita for the day. He’s only doing it because Merle made him (and yet Micah is meant to be an uber-perfect leader how?) and that he misses Chimera. Yeah, Chimera, that guy who liked torturing and murdering people.

Anita thinks about Chimera, who she judges to be a ‘very bad man’. With such excellent analysis and emotion, I just wonder how she’d describe Stalin. She tries to go out by herself to the Circus, instantly forgetting that Caleb is her bodyguard for the day. He gets all prissy about it, saying that if he doesn’t stay with her, Merle will torture him by cutting open all his piercings with a knife.

Caleb then reveals he has a dick piercing and tries to whip it out.

I wanted to ask, Didn’t it really hurt? But since silver burned a lycanthrope’s skin, you had to be masochistic to get anything pierced. I’d asked one of the other leopards that was pierced, why not use gold? Answer: their bodies grew over the gold, healing over the wound. But they didn’t heal over silver.

How in the freaking fuck does that make sense? Shapeshifters have advanced healing abilities, fine. But they have ADVANCED HUMAN HEALING ABILITIES WHEN THEY ARE HUMAN. Your body doesn’t grow over regular piercings! (Well, it can, but that’s very rare.) Why the hell does a shapeshifter’s? I thought this was all meant to be biologically realistic!

Anita is upset that she has to feel sorry that Caleb might get tortured and is annoyed that yet another person has to be taking care of her. Well, maybe if you be bothered to take care of yourself, other people wouldn’t have to pick up the slack. But whatevs, she’s got vague things of vagueness to do.

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7 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twenty seven

  1. Where is the plot?! Can someone coax it out of the corner please? I really hope that this chapter wasn’t meant to show Anita’s amazing deductive reasoning.

  2. I think the whole “silver piercings work” idea was that if silver can cause them injury, a silver hoop will not be healed over, and will remain a hole. But the problem is, I think she has the notion that a gold earring will somehow be swallowed up by their body when it tries healing the piercing itself, when it’s more likely it would just…heal around the ring and removing it would then mean basically ripping the hole back open because it’s not healed properly, if I follow her logic to an actual, logical conclusion instead of the batshit insane one she has.

    Of course, there’s still the fact that PIERCINGS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT. The hole still HEALS. It’s just no longer a bleeding hole jabbed through your body. So apparently, these poor bastards are walking around with the equivalent of open wounds all the time for the sake of vanity.

  3. The handwriting must be Caleb’s Wow, a regular Sherlock Holmes, isn’t she? *sarcasm* I know it’s small next to the abundance of much more horrible things about her writing, but I hate when LKH makes a note of really inane, obvious shit like that. For some reason it just sticks in my brain; I’ll never forget the line “I wiped my hands on napkins” from one of the books I sporked.

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