A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twenty four


Dreeeeeeeaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmms. Dreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmsssssss.

Dear Lord, I hate dream sequences. I hate them even in things I like. Last night, I dreamt that I was in the Star Wars universe, fighting off against random baddies, while flying a broomstick. Dreams fundamentally don’t make sense. They’re weird and random. Dream sequences in books are always far too structured for me to like. And, yes, I know that Anita’s dreams have ~*magic*~ behind them. It doesn’t mean I have to like it.

  • BM is in a nice gold dress.
  • She has a red mouth. SLUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
  • Anita is in a big poofy red dress.
  • BM calls her ‘ma petite’ because all that JC owns, BM owns.
  • Anita looks at BM’s breasts.
  • ORGIES. IMAGES OF ORGIES.
  • BM wants…. Anita. I think. I have no idea.

Anita wakes up and is BM. Ish. Nathaniel is all worried, and remember how he’d been triggered by memories of his childhood abuse? Yeah, well, Anita doesn’t. She wants sex now and she’s not about to ask Nathaniel if he’s okay with this.

You’re an asshole, Anita Blake.

She then screams SHTAPPPPPPPPPPPP and freaks out at Nathaniel, as if it’s his fault. The ardeurururur has kicked in because… eh, something has to happen. Jason runs in because he senses the POWER, and Anita screams that Nathaniel must be taken out of the room.

I have no idea why he can’t do it himself.

Anita then stares at Jason’s body.

There was no hair on his chest or stomach. A lot of strippers shaved their body hair. I’d seen Jason nude enough to know that he mostly shaved. I just hadn’t noticed how shaved. He was my friend, so even nude, he was still my friend. You don’t stare at your friend’s crotch to see how much body hair there is.

He was my friend, so even nude, he was still my friend.’ Wow. Much wisdom. Much insight.

Jason is confused as to how to deal with the ardeur. What, the ardeur, this magic that must be fed, requires feeding? The devil you say! Anita is momentarily upset at the thought of sleeping with Jason, although she could eat some food, or have sex by herself. But whatever. She whispers ‘Feed me’ –

– and Jason is all ‘SWEEEEEEEET DUDE’. It’s smell my cheese time!

Anita decides that she doesn’t want full intercourse, which is fine, and she takes forever to take Jason’s jeans off – all without mentioning that she’s intending to suck his dick. Dark! Edgy! Erotic! But can’t say ‘penis’ or ‘cock’. Because, um…. reasons! She doesn’t take Jason’s undies off, because she wants to suck his cock through the silk.

I drew back from him and the silk had turned dark blue where my mouth had touched him.

Do you know what kind of damage water does to silk? Actually, this is some of Anita’s ‘good girl’ horseshit as she just can’t bring herself to take off Jason’s underoos and jeans. He has to do it. STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

I drew more of him into my mouth, sliding my had down to cup lower things. He was smooth to the touch, everywhere I could touch with hand or mouth, there was nothing but the smooth perfection of him. He was shaved smooth.

I can’t even copy that out without giggling. How can anyone take that seriously? Plus, is it just me, or does that sound like he had a furry cock? Anita decides that non-hairy cock is A+ for her and carries on.

I drew his pants down farther, so that I could spread his legs, lick between them, along that thin line of skin between testicles and anus.

dog shock

Actual words to describe body parts????? I am shocked! Jason cums – I think, it’s hard to tell – and then decides enough is enough!

He bent down, grabbed my lower arms, drew me to my feet. He kissed me, and it was like he was trying to crawl inside me through my mouth, lips, tongue, teeth – something between a kiss and eating me.

Dude, you are not going to fit your head inside her mouth. Jason sticks his fingers between her legs (I hope he washed his hands, otherwise Anita’s due for a severe UTI) and then WHOOSH it’s time for vaginal penetration! You know, that thing Anita didn’t want.

He entered me, and it wasn’t hesitant, or gentle.

Um, then he forced? Ouch. And I see no mention of a condom magically appearing.

He stared down at me with eyes that were no longer human, but wolf.

EW.

He drew himself out of my body, slowly, an inch at a time until I was almost free, then he shoved himself back, and made me scream again. It wasn’t a scream of pain.

Really? I don’t think having anything forcibly shoved inside your body would be anything less than painful! Christ, it’s depressing that so many female authors use words like ‘forced’, ‘shoved’, or ‘pounded’ in sex scenes. It just confirms a patriarchal narrative that men can’t help themselves and that a woman’s enjoyment is lesser than a man’s. Well, unless it’s specifically supposed to be rough sex. But even then, there are better ways to write it.

Jason howls like an actual wolf and I guess it’s orgasm time because they are both screaming. This reads like a bad write-up of some extremely generic straight porn. Jason asks to hold Anita, just this once, like they’re some sort of tragic couple in a rom-com. Anita wiggles a bit, digs nails into his back, and this happens:

He screamed, and his hips ground himself against me again.

Guess that nails in the back is Jason’s auto-destruct button. Good to know. Jason gasps about how amazing Anita was. ‘You were amazing’. Except… well, she didn’t really do anything. She sucked his cock a bit and then did nothing. She was just there while Jason went off like a Duracell rabbit.

This is exactly like generic straight porn.

Anita and Jason then talk about the size of his penis (it’s good) and realise they are both dripping with blood from scratching each other up. Infections. Hot. Jason then is sad because his sex will never be as good as JC’s or Asher’s – surely, that’s for your partner to decide if they liked the sex or not… – and Anita confides that sex with Asher is scary.

If you’re scared by your partner, then it’s not love! Anita doesn’t know if either of them is actually good at sex because of vampire powers. That’s actually an interesting point – they both can warp and manipulate a person’s mind and experiences, changing their perceptions of reality – but naturally, this is swept aside so Anita can say how sex isn’t actually sex (after all, only full intercourse is real sex, I bet she thinks lesbians just read newspapers in bed) and being biphobic.

You see, Jason is interested in having sex with Asher.

“I was a little confused for awhile about exactly what my preferences were. I mean I’ve been Jean-Claude’s pomme de sang for about two years now. It’s amazing when he feeds, Anita, a-fucking-mazing. Enjoying being with him this much made me think I might be gay. But I like girls. I’m not saying that with the right person bisexual isn’t a possibility, but not if it means never being able to do this again. I like girls.”

… because when you’re bisexual, you can’t have sex with women?

I have literally no idea what definition of bisexual LKH is working with. I thought it meant ‘a sexual attraction to both men and women’, but apparently there are a lot of hidden rules at work here. I shall have to convene with the bisexual collective and attempt to learn their secrets.

Anita says that she’s never allowed JC to feed on her, which Jason can’t believe. All people must be interested in the same fetishes, you see. Jason reveals that he’s never slept with JC, and that there’s a rule about vampires sleeping with people they feed on.

“Oh, come on, Anita, I’ve slept with him longer than you have. You’d have to be more of a flaming heterosexual than I am not to wonder.”

I have literally no idea what that is supposed to mean. Anyway, JC wouldn’t sleep with Jason because he was in love with Anita. *blech* Actually, JC wouldn’t sleep with him because of Anita’s raging homophobia and fear on man-on-man cooties. Anita says she would like a ‘menage a quatre’ with Asher, JC, and Micah, but she fears being ‘consumed’ by the world of vampires and shapeshifters.

I think that boat has thoroughly sailed, lady.

A look passed through [Jason’s] eyes that I couldn’t read. “You mean you’re afraid of loving anyone more than life itself?”

“Yes.”

“I would give one of my less favourite body parts for a woman to care for me as deeply as you do for Nathaniel.”

…. what.

what.

what.

I have no idea how this conversation went this way. Anita pouts because she can’t love so many men at once – yeah, right, I don’t think Anita understands what love is – and Jason goes on a long ramble about how Anita is always fighting the men she loves.

It’s a recap of her relationship foibles from the past eleven books. It’s tedious. And then Anita brings out the big guns about why she just can’t trust the men she loves.

“I loved my mother with my whole heart and my whole soul, she was my world. She died, and it nearly destroyed me. I never want to put my whole world in any one person’s hands again, Jason. If they die, I won’t die with them.”

Plus, she gave everything to Richard, and he’s a fucking asshole.

fuck you

Anita then feels SAD and might cry.

up with this i will not put

Jason is jealous that Anita is in love with everyone but him. He wants her to ‘consume’ him and Anita is like GTFO I need a shower.

So.

I think we need to talk about something else.

Um.

Highlander anyone?

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4 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twenty four

  1. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Why get back to that “plot” thing when we can have another sex scene instead?

    Also, Anita licked Jason’s taint. Why? Why would you write that, Hamilton?

  2. This is one of the most memorable scenes for me in Cerulean Sins, along with the awkward (REALLY awkward) threesome and later JC’s bitch fit over Anita wearing a cross.

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