A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter seventeen

My badge on its little cord around my neck got us past most of the cops. The few that questioned us recognized my name, or had worked with me before. Always good to be known. They questioned Jason’s presence. I finally told them I’d deputized him.

Okay, she can technically do that. But I don’t imagine it going well. (Dialogue is waaay inaccurate to actual court room laws. Because I am mopey and lazy)

Defence Lawyer (let’s call her… Viola): So, it was at this point that Marshal Blake brought… ‘Jason’ to your crime scene, am I correct?

Officer: That is correct, yes.

Viola: And this ‘Jason’, was deputised in as a Marshal – I’m correct again, aren’t I?

Officer: Yes, ma’am.

Viola: You didn’t think to question this? From what the court has heard, this ‘Jason’ is a erotic dancer and lover to Marshal Blake’s longterm romantic partner. He has no formal training in law enforcement, no detective skills, no knowledge of crime scene forensics. How is this court supposed to accept the prosecution’s evidence when it could easily have been tampered with, contaminated, or even falsified by this boytoy of Marshal Blake’s?

But, you know, this is coming from a universe which has actual logical sense. No one is going to seriously question Jason’s involvement, I’m betting.

Then massive stupid happens.

A big statie, with shoulders wider than either of us was tall –

No. No. No. Human physiology doesn’t work like that.

– said, “I’ve heard it called a lot of things, but deputy isn’t one of ’em.”

He’s completely right but Anita puffs up like an enraged toad.

I turned on him, slowly, because I couldn’t move fast, and the very slowness of the turn helped the menace. It’s hard to be menacing to someone when you barely reach their waist, but I have had a lot of practice.



Um, okay. Apparently this state trooper is TEN FOOT TALL or Anita Blake is actually only a metre tall, and is actually a dwarf. Either way, I can only summarise that LKH has never seen or interacted with real human beings and is actually an alien from the Spoon Planet.

Jason must have been afraid what I’d say because he said, “You’re just jealous.”

Yeah, he’s jealous of this random fucktoy coming into a crime scene where a murder has taken place and, you know, BEING A BIG GOOBER WHO CONTAMINATES THE SCENE AND RUINS THE CASE.

The big man shook his head in his Smokey the bear hat. “I like my women bigger.”

“Funny,” I said, “that’s what your wife says.”

It took him a minute to get it, then he unfolded those beefy arms and took a step towards us. “Why you…”

Wow. Sick burn. You gonna give him a wedgie next?

Watch out, we’ve got some real badasses in town.

Zerbrowski comes in to rescue Anita. He just accepts Jason as a deputy because he’s an idiot. They force the state trooper to apologise for doing his job.

When the big trooper had wandered away to his car, Zerbrowski called over one of the other detectives on the Regional Preternatural Investigation Team, affectionately known as RIPT. If you wanted to piss them off, call them RIP.

It would seem everyone is five years old. LKH, I am not impressed by characters acting like children. How can I buy Anita Blake as a competent, scary vampire hunter when she seems to think ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue!’ is witty repartee?

Zerbrowski and Anita then swap exposition. Dolph is now a lieutenant and Zerbrowski is… party whip? Eh? His second-in-command? Who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares. Dolph had a party, to which Anita was invited, but she wasn’t invited to Zerbrowski’s. This is because no one likes Micah because he’s a shapeshifter.

No, they probably don’t like him because he acted like a creepy, abusive asshole at the party. Because that’s what he is.

Zerbrowski slobbers over Anita’s butt as he promises the golden couple can come round to his house for dinner. Happy happy joy joy. Zerbrowski and Jason swap disgust comments about how they can’t make Anita sleep with them. Anita has a DRAMATIC wobble and goes all faint. Zerbrowski is dutiful non-character that he is, and fawns about how ill she is and how he’ll carry her delicate little form around the crime scene. At least he’s the one who finally puts his foot down and forbids Jason from entering the crime scene. Although, to a halfway decent defence lawyer, it’s already compromised beyond saving.

Anita then blames Dolph for this. He just forced her to come out here, despite St. Louis having lots of vampire hunters who work with the police. Zerbrowski has enough courage to call Anita ‘stupid’ to her face and lets her sit down until she stops feeling queasy.

Oh, and they’re now inside a house. Wow. This scintillating dialogue was just so good LKH couldn’t be bothered to progress the mystery part of the plot!

And that’s it. That’s the chapter.

Luckily, I found the entire Bikini Kill discography on youtube, so I can keep myself entertained. And full of righteous feminist anger.

8 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter seventeen

  1. Oh man, I thought we didn’t get the ridiculous concept of “dude with shoulders wider than Anita is tall” until it was mentioned in Affliction but, nope, it appeared here first! And yeah, seriously, LKH seems to think 5’3 is waaay tinier than it is which is…odd, considering that’s her own actual height. How many dudes does she run into whose waists are above her head?

    I think I figured out the ‘dude starting at my feet and moving up’ thing from last chapter—that’s a camera technique often used in movies during the introduction of a sexy female character. LKH, I realize it’s called the male gaze but that’s not actually what it means…

    • I’m 4’11” and I’ve never met someone whose waist was higher than my head. My man is 6’2″ and my head is up to his chin, almost. I’m pretty sure LaLa is an alien and has never actually met any humans or interacted with them.

  2. “It took him a minute to get it, then he unfolded those beefy arms and took a step towards us. “Why you…””

    Yeah, it wasn’t your “brilliant” wit that stunned him into silence, Anita – it was him coping with the fact that your comeback was so very, very lame.

    “Anita then blames Dolph for this. He just forced her to come out here, despite St. Louis having lots of vampire hunters who work with the police.”

    Wait, wait, wait. Back up. There are *other* vampire hunters in St. Louis? Who *also* work with the police? So why the blue fuck is Anita “sorry, can’t talk, having sex” Blake the one they want? Why didn’t Dolph just call up someone else who might at least pick up the damn phone?

    That’s it – I’m so writing a story about a licensed vampire hunter having to deal with the hard realities that kind of thing would entail.

    • Oh, ‘party whip’? It’s a term from UK politics. It’s the minister in a party who has to get other ministers to follow the policies/ideas of the party when it comes to voting in Parliament.

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