So, my long and unexpected absence.
In September, a member of my family was diagnosed with a serious illness. I won’t discuss it further on a public medium such as this – although some of you know already, through our friendship – but it shook my family pretty badly. I’d just got my play finished (and it got some great reviews) and was starting to think about how to sell it to other venues. I’d just started a new job. Suddenly, all my energy was focused on something else, something so outside my control and my comfort levels that I pretty much just dropped everything. I fell into a depressive spiral and focused myself on just what was important. My spare time I devoted to my family or on video games – because I didn’t have to think when I was battling darkspawn or assassinating people. I could close up everything that hurt and not think about it. I gave up writing or doing anything productive.
This was not helped when, two weeks ago, I myself was rushed into hospital. They think it’s gallstones, but all I know was that my worst fears had come true. I have serious anxiety problems when it comes to hospitals and surgery, so having a drip for the first time, travelling in an ambulance for the first time, and spending time overnight on a surgical ward for the first time was really not a fun experience for me. Hell, they had to give me medication to stop me from throwing up with fear. I had a bad reaction to them. It was not pleasant. I’m a lot better now and I’ve got an ultrasound tomorrow to find out what’s wrong. Hopefully, I won’t have to have surgery.
I didn’t feel that I had the time or the emotional energy to devote to the blog, not until I felt better in myself. I still don’t know whether I do now. But I miss you guys, fo’ serious and all that. I miss talking to you guys and I miss the batshit world of Anita Blake.
Now, I can’t promise to keep up my old schedule. But this is me, jumping back into the world of blogging. It’s nice to talk to you all again.
Last time in Anita Blake, Asher had ripped a chunk of her neck out and she was bleeding to death. This was solved by people standing around and doing nothing. This time, she’s laid in bed and people are lying around doing nothing.
She’s been asleep in a bed and realises she’s in the Circus of the Damned because of the ‘bare stone walls’. This place must be freezing cold or JC spends millions on trying to heat it. Why bare stone walls? No one has bare stone walls. You have tapestries up because stone walls are fucking freezing! Anita notices she’s been woken up by a phone ringing, which Jason answers.
Oh, Jason. I’ve missed the desire to pound your face into a stone patio. He answers and tells whoever’s calling that Anita is sick.
He was laying on his side, his back to me, the sheet pulled down enough that I could see the top of his buttocks. What the fuck was I doing naked in a bed with Jason?
Jason, why are you NAKED IN BED WITH AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN? YOU ARE SUCH A DISGUSTING LITTLE PERVERT. I HOPE YOUR COCK GOES GREEN AND FALLS OFF.
Anita tries to sit up but she’s all light headed and shit. Ha, you know nothing until you have a bad reaction to anti-nausea medication. You know nothing. She announces she’s awake and that she doesn’t remember anything. Then she dramatically raises a hand to the bandage on her throat and she remembers it all.
I remembered everything, and it wasn’t just my mind that remembered it. My body convulsed against the bed, my spine bowing, hands clawing at the sheets, a moan tore from my throat, before my body stole all the breath from me, and I bucked against the bed, caught in a sensory memory. It wasn’t as good as the original, but damn it was close.
Yeah, that’s… that’s just not right. Not only is the mind incapable of remembering the actual feeling of pain, but yeah, remembering an injury doesn’t make the body go buck-buck-buckaroo. That’s not how anything works.
Jason realises he has to do something for a change so grabs her arms. She just flails around and tears at him with her nails until she feels better. Neither of them know what their author just did. Anita then sinks into one of JC’s memories of Asher with a lady with large breasts.
This upsets Anita because…. um, women are bad? Jason gets her one of those athletic energy drinks to help replace her electrolytes, even though she should have had a blood transfusion and a drip. Anita apologises for cutting Jason up, although he should be apologising for, you know, sleeping naked next to her without her consent.
“You said this was a flashback, a flashback to what?” he asked.
“To what happened with Jean-Claude and Asher.”
He raised eyebrows at me. “You mean that was a flashback to what, the orgasm?”
I felt the heat creep up my face. “Something like that,” I muttered.
He laughed. “You’re joking.”
Oh, how I wish she was.
Basically, Asher’s bite is SUPERORGASMORIFFIC and makes you flail around like a dying fish. For some reason. And now she’s acting like the tracts of land lady, despite the fact that the flashback consisted of tracts of land lady sitting at a table. Anita then asks Jason to put on some underwear.
He grinned. “Why, we slept for,” he glanced at the beside clock, “four hours naked together. Why should I dress now?”
Because you’re a disgusting sex criminal. He distracts Anita by asking about tracts of land lady. It might have something to do with the ardeur? I can’t tell. I’d forgotten how indecipherable Hamilton’s writing style is.
“The woman I’m remembering was quiet in bed, she didn’t jump around a lot, not according to Asher.”
“She could hide it better than I can.”
He laughed out loud. “Are you telling me that all this jumping around is normal for you?”
So, it’s the ardeur? Despite her saying it’s because of SUPERORGASMORIFFIC flashbacks? WHAT IS GOING ON? The ardeur is ‘riding all of us’, or something, and then Jason takes Anita’s drink.
Dude, she had a chunk of her throat ripped out and experienced severe blood loss. You are a terrible person.
Jason then starts complaining that Asher’s never ripped his throat out. Yeah, because it seems so pleasant a thing to happen! Honestly, wouldn’t you all have your throats ripped out for a good orgasm?
No. I’ll stick to the traditional ways, thanks. I don’t particularly enjoy almost dying.
Anita then has another arduer SUPERORGASMORIFFIC fit, even though she could easily stop them. It would appear JC has no sex toys and sees no need for them. He must be incredibly boring in bed. Jason goes to get more bandages because the police were the ones who called. Anita is needed at a crime scene. Jason, being a decent human being for once, says that he’s taking her there and making sure she doesn’t overexert herself.
He then reveals that Nathaniel passed out last night too. Because he can’t handle feeding the ardeur everyday. Because Anita must sleep with as many men as possible.
Obviously, we can’t have a female character choosing polyamory for herself. Nope, it has to be forced on her, like this is a dodgy gangbang porno.
PS, LKH, Anita, have you heard about this latest invention for women?
They’ve only been around well over a hundred years, and might just solve your sexual energy problem. Just sayin’.
Jason then volunteers for a ‘spine-cracking orgasm’. Sounds painful. Anita gives up arguing and tells Jason to just get some bandages for the ‘scrapes’.
“Scrapes hell, if I were human, you’d be taking me to the emergency room. Remember, Anita, you have some of the strength of both a vampire and a werewolf. We can punch our finger through someone’s ribs.”
Why. Why can you do that. It’s not like wolves are super strong. So how can you do that.
“Your cell phone is on the floor on my side of the bed. I dropped it when you started convulsing.”
“I was not convulsing,” I said.
“Oh, sorry, I dropped it when you had your raging, overwhelming, screaming orgasm. Was that better? It sounded better, didn’t it?”
That was meant to be an orgasm? How come it was written as if she was in intense physical pain?
Anita’s phone starts ringing again.
It was Dolph, and he wasn’t happy. While he’d been waiting for me, there had been a second call, to a second crime scene. He was pissed with Jason’s antics, with both crime scenes, and especially, it seemed, with me.
PS. Take a drink every time I said ‘orgasm’, LKH abuses a comma, and if you’re glad to see me back.
PPS. If you’re not glad, then… take drinks anyway. You’re going to need them.