A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter twelve

Man, I’ve really fallen out of posting rhythm! I’ve just not wanted to get back to Anita, if I’m honest, but I shall persevere. It is my solemn duty to display the awfulness of this series in all its glory, and onwards I must go!

We broke from that gentle kiss, and I led Asher to the bed by the hand. He pulled back, coming like a reluctant child.




JC is by the bed and says he’s controlling Anita’s ardeur, because he can totally do that now, but that he might loose control.

Asher is sad because if there is ardeur, Anita will just leave him in the morning. Anita wants to do this thang before the ardeur because…. um, reasons. She says how much she totally wants Asher’s weenie, but Asher knows he’s lying. That’s healthy. Anita says they have to start right away because she doesn’t want them going dead in the middle of sex because apparently vampires just die at the stroke of dawn. That’s a bit silly. You’d think they’d be okay for a while, underground away from the sun. Are they like alarm clocks? Do they have an internal timer that sends them to sleep EXACTLY when the sun rises?

I looked at my watch. “We’re down to about two and a half hours.”

“Barely enough time,” Asher said. And something about what he said, or the way he said it, made Jean-Claude do that masculine chuckle that only men do, and only about women, or sex. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard that sound from Jean-Claude.

Also healthy: laughing at women when about to have sexual intercourse with them.

I was suddenly very aware that I was the only girl, and they were both men. I know that sounds silly. I mean, I knew that already, but… I suddenly felt it. It was like walking into a bar and feeling all those eyes follow you as you walk, like lions watching gazelles.

ALSO healthy: women being terrified of sex and therefore unable to consent enthusiastically! How the hell does this series ever get lauded for being ‘sex positive’?

JC and Asher take Anita to the bed but whoops – her tights slip on the silk bedspread so the guys have to hold her otherwise she’d fall off! Ha ha, it is to laugh!

“Why is it,” I said, “that you never slide off the bed when you’re wearing silk?”

Because they don’t live a cartoon?

JC and Asher start a ‘hilarious’ anecdote where JC slipped off a bed, broke a mirror that was… on the floor for some reason, cut open his chin and got blood everywhere. The Duchess Vicante had to cut herself with one of the shards and claim all the blood was hers to her husband! How scandalous! Anita learns that Asher was with BM before JC and that oh they had rough edges and shit.

I was overwhelmed with a flood of images of that smile. That smile when his hair was in long locks and the hat on his head graceful with feathers, that smile by candlelight, that smile while we played chess and Julianna sewed by the fire, that smile in a spill of clean sheets and Julianna’s laughter.

Julianna is the perfect woman. Look how feminine and passive she was! Bleuch. Guess it’s good we never see her character because I have a feeling I’d hate her. As it is, because she isn’t really a character, I don’t feel anything. I can’t care about her because she’s just a plot device.

Jean-Claude swept the bedspread aside to reveal sheets a little bluer than Asher’s eyes, blue as the daytime sky, cerulean blue.

Congratulations, you got a prize for most pointless title drop ever!

Asher is scared, so this makes Anita’s wolfy/leopard side rise up and start growling. She’s turned on by him being afraid! HEALTHY. She also wants to eat him.

This is caused by Anita denying the ardeur. Because she’s AN IDIOT. She then demands to see Asher nude without the ardeur even though she might turn into a cockgobbler again. He sits on the bed and just stares at them, as he does not want to do this. At all.

I looked at the two of them and knew someone was going to have to take off some clothes. Fine. I stripped off my jacket and tossed it to the floor.

Jean-Claude raised eyebrows.

‘Oh, a woman actively participating in sex! HOW DARE SHE!’

She’s surprised that she doesn’t feel embarrassed – you know, HEALTHY – and she crawls over to Asher.

I tapped Asher’s ankles, and he opened his legs a little. I crawled between his legs, having to force my body up between his calves, his knees. Jean-Claude’s legs on either side of his seemed to hold him tight against me. I was left to worm my way between his thighs, using my hips, my legs, and finally impatient, my hands, to spread him wide before me. It left me, finally, kneeling between his legs, my knees pressed up against him, which was actually a lot less erotic than it sounds, because he was still wearing his pants, and the angle was odd.

That doesn’t sound erotic at all. I don’t think that anyone has managed to miss ‘erotica’ so much when writing a sexy scene.

Asher begs her to go slowly but she just ignores her and grabs him.

“She begins like an American man, but she does foreplay like she’s French.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

This is a rare occasion where I’m completely in agreement with Anita. What the fuck does that even mean? JC and Anita undress Asher and she strokes his face. STOP THAT. She licks his scars. She licks down his body until she finds his nipples. Can’t forget those man nipples and urban fantasy’s strange obsession with them! She licks down his body and sticks her tongue under his belt. Hawt.

Asher’s voice came breathy, harsh. “You have taught her well.”

“I can take little credit for it, mon ami, she enjoys her work.”

I rolled eyes up at them. “Please, stop talking about me like I can’t understand you.”

“Our most sincere apologies,” Jean-Claude said.

“Oui,” Asher said, “it was not an insult.”

“No, but you assume that if I’m any good it has to be because a man taught me. That’s so sexist.”

Um, the sexist bit is that they’re talking about you like an object to stick penises in. JC and Anita whip Asher’s trousers off and reveal that Asher’s wearing bikini bottoms.

This is really weird when I have an actual real life friend called Asher. I FIND IT CREEPY AND I DISLIKE IT.

Anita licks his knees and this is just too much for him to handle it. Then JC begs her to ‘finish it’ and huzzah, Anita can finally discover whether Asher has a penis or not. This great conflict can be resolved. Asher is fine in the underpants department because he met a plastic surgeon or something and JC starts crying because they can bone now without JC being disgusted by Asher’s lack of equipment and then they cry and maybe have sex?

This was not a good sexy chapter.


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