A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter eleven


Um, sorry for the huge posting gap.

Tonight marks the night where my very first play will receive its very first public performance. So I’ve been a bit busy with that! And with other things happening in my life and everything’s been rather super stressful for me so I abandoned public stuff to focus on my work. So I hope you all can forgive me for that.

Plus, I got a new budgie.

IMAG0089[1]

This is Nicky! He’s about 12 weeks old, he likes spinach, and he has a small claw deformity. He likes foraging on the ground and is about twice the size Edgar is already. He’s a little guzzle guts and he doesn’t sing, he squeals.

But, yes, Anita Blake. She was being forced to have sex with Asher because, um, REASONS.

Asher comes into JC’s boudoir. He’s wearing a white suit –

– and Anita thinks it looks awful. Anita is freaking out on the carpet, because that’s how I like my sex scenes to start. With one of the ‘consenting adults’ having a panic attack. JC says they want to involve him and Asher boggles at them.

I was still huddled on the rug at his feet, staring at Asher like he was the fox and I was the rabbit.

THAT IS NOT HEALTHY

Anita is unhappy and is made unhappier still by the fact that JC says that she must make a decision. She freaks out at the idea of consenting to sex. *headdesks*

I tried to smooth my numb hands down my legs to touch my skirt and found only my hose. The navy skirt was too short for me to have been sitting the way I was. If there’d been anyone in the room to see, they’d have been able to tell my underwear matched it.

  • Is LKH the pen name of a cis-male writer? Because there’s no way anyone who wears a skirt on a regular basis doesn’t know how to sit down without flashing their pants. Well, anyone under six or seven when it doesn’t matter if people see your pants.
  • Is your skirt a belt?
  • There are two other people in the room.
  • Your underwear matches what? Your tights or your skirt?

Anita is apparently upset because Asher is in danger because she was a fucking idiot. Well, I’m not going to argue with that. She touches Asher on the face and he freaks out. Yeah, he doesn’t like his women to consent. I remember. But no, he’s unhappy because Anita might think he’s disgusting and ugly because she’s incredibly shallow and wouldn’t deign to sleep with someone with a disfigurement unless she knew they had once been handsome.

Yep. Anita goes on a big paragraph about how she knows how glorious his body used to look, which is supposed to be all noble and shit, but is pretty disgusting because Anita’s basically saying ‘I’m only considering fucking you because you used to look good. You’re a freak, but you were nice once upon a time’.

You’re disgusting Anita.

Asher is confused as to what Anita wants and it takes him a while to understand. Then he’s struck by how selfless Anita is.

“She will do anything to keep her people safe, even take a cripple to her bed for one night.”

How noble Anita is, considering letting someone with a disfigurement put his penis inside her. And you’re not a cripple, Asher. You are not disabled. There is no impediment to your life other than your angst. Asher will not sleep with Anita because she’s initiated it  as it will ‘weaken’ Anita and JC. Anita manipulates Asher by saying how much she loves him.

Anita doesn’t even want to sleep with Asher. This is so messed up. If you want a vampire threesome, I’m not going to judge you! I’m not going to judge you for writing porn! But, nope, you have to wrap it up in this bullshit goody-goody girl nonsense, because it’s bad for women to enjoy and want sex. They have to be forced into it. Fuck this horseshit. I’d write a good version of a vampire threesome, but I’m shit at writing sex scenes, asexuality and all.

Here’s a Dottie writing challenge for you all. Write a great vampire threesome story. No plot, just actual porn with no hand-wringing, emotional manipulation, or consent issues. Hell, I’ll even give you two characters! I have a long-burning supernatural series, and this is one of the vampires from it. Arsinoe, a two thousand year old vampire who was a Ptolemaic princess in life. She’s Grecian, with dark skin, light blondey-brown hair, and a prominent Roman nose. She identifies as a lesbian and she has a girlfriend, who she calls Leda. Arsinoe is borderline sociopathic and enjoys inflicting pain. Leda was once a Parisian streetwalker, and Arsinoe found her while she was working. She’s olive skinned with black hair. She lives with Arsinoe, and enjoys access to money, material goods, and fine society. They live in the years before the French Revolution. Sometimes, they go walking the streets together. Go. Whatever you come up with, it’s better than this mess.

“I don’t know how much was Jean-Claude’s memories at first, but whatever it began as, I do love you. Me, no one else.”

“Yet you have not taken me to your bed.”

“I love a lot of people that I don’t sleep with. Okay, that I don’t have sex with. I want you to come to bed tonight, please, Asher, and not just for sleeping.”

Remember kids: sexual love is the only kind of love that matters.

Asher pouts because she surely will abandon him in the morning. She will not love him toooomorrrroowwww.

“You took four men into that bed over there, four of us, yet you have sex with only Jean-Claude. You feed the ardeur from Nathaniel, but you have not fucked him.” He let go of my hands and shook his head, laughing. “Only you could have the strength of will to sleep night after night beside such beauty and not take all that Nathaniel had to offer. I have met saints and priests over the centuries that had not your will to resist temptation.”

dagrrhrghgbbbbbbrrrrr

Um, Anita got a handjob from Jason and sucked Nathaniel’s cock. Again, penetrative sex is the only sex that counts, which makes no sense. And, yeah, Anita is more saintly than actual fucking saints. You’d think Catholic rage would set in from Anita but nope, she doesn’t give a shit about her faith. Asher is annoyed that Anita is friends with Jason as how dare people have sex with people but not be in love with them!

Anita says this is all so embarrassing, because she’s just a good girl at heart tee hee hee, and Asher pouts because he just doesn’t want to force Anita to sleep with someone with a disfigurement. He brings up Micah and is all confuzzled that Micah is okay with Anita being in an open relationship.

I don’t get why Asher is all astonished by this. This is still the guy who lived in an open threesome with JC, right?

“He seems perfect for you,” Asher said, voice full of soft irony.

My voice is soft bronzy. I can only take that LKH meant the metals, as I have no idea what is supposed to be ironic in that sentence. Is she lampshading the fact that Micah is a rapist and an arsehole?

Asher pouts that if Anita only sleeps with him once, he’ll go and find another place to live. Great, more emotional manipulation! Anita is upset because she just can’t make decisions, damnit, and she can’t have sex with someone and not love them. She imprints on people, like a sexual duckling. Asher then goes on about how she’d be making a huge sacrifice by sleeping with someone with a disfigurement.

LKH, your attitude regarding disability and disfigurement is absolutely disgusting. You cannot seem to comprehend why people would find disabled people sexually attractive. I… have nothing to say to that. I just find your ableism baffling.

Anita launches into a big BUT I LOVE YOU speech. The speech would have more emotional impact if we ever saw Anita and Asher interact, ever saw any of the things mentioned, and if Asher hadn’t wanted to violently rape Anita when he was first introduced.

“I love the way your hair shines in the light. I love the way you smile when you’re not trying to hide or impress anyone. I love your laughter. I love the way your voice can hold sorrow like the taste of rain. I love the way you watch Jean-Claude when he moves through a room, when you don’t think anyone’s watching, because it’s exactly the way I watch him. I love your eyes. I love your pain. I love you.”

Anita loves Asher specifically because he’s in pain. What. The. Fuck.

Plus, it would have been nice to see any of this in any of the books. Show, don’t tell. Basic rule of writing.

Asher and Anita kiss. I do not care one single bit. The only thing I care about is getting some actual interesting vampire threesomes from my readers.

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5 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter eleven

  1. AWWW PUDGE BUDGIE

    “hold sorrow like the taste of rain” wut

    Maybe by loving his pain she meant she loves his whole self, including the bad parts…? Or maybe LKH just thought it sounded deep and edgy.

    Anita NOT liking JC’s outfit? Huh, that might actually be a first!

    Re the skirt: Well, LKH probably never ever wears skirts herself because they are ICKY AND GIRLY EWWWW SHE’S ONE OF THE BOYS DON’T YOU KNOW also I find that things like logic, physics, and common sense are something authors like her tend to forget about when it comes time to make ‘oh teehee look you can see her panties/cleavage/etc but she didn’t mean too!’ moments

    • The festival closes tomorrow and the play went really well! It’s got great actors and a great director, I’m a bit sad that now it’s over! (Although I’m glad to be less stressed…)

  2. here’s mine!

    http://tigergray.blogspot.com/2014/12/cerulean-sins-chapter-eleven.html

    I guess it’s arguable whether Asher is disabled. Skin disfigurements can impact major aspects of your life. I follow a woman (her blog) with a skin ailment and it’s much more complex and draining that it seems to most people. However, I think part of the problem is that LKH doesn’t really portray that hidden side so it comes across as superficial, as if the only downside is that he’s not conventionally pretty anymore.

    • You’re right, as to whether or not Asher counts as disabled is a complex and interesting question that other authors might explore.

      But seeing as Asher is a huge butthurt rapist, I guess I have little time for being sympathetic to him!

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