Let’s see what nothing happens today.
Jean-Claude gave Jason the keys to the locks on the silver chains. He’d spent the last hour explaining everyone’s job.
‘I want you to open the coffin, you to stop them from leaping out, and then we’ll feed her.’ That took me ten seconds to say. What was so difficult? Anita’s panicking because Damian might be too lost and the madness might be permanent and she’s not powerful enough apart from the fact that she’s a fucking necromancer.
Jason raised the lid, slowly. Not because it was heavy, but because, I think, he was scared, too. The idea of being Gretchen’s first meal had made him laugh, that anticipatory sound that is half-grown up male, and half little boy. The sound that men reserve for things that combine sex and usually sports, cars, technology, or danger – depends on your man. I’m sure there are men out there that would give that purring, excited laugh at the thought of gardening, or poetry, but I haven’t met them. Might be an interesting change, though.
You feel that. That’s a magical hammer coming to slam you down into your gender box. Because men must ALWAYS be interested in sex and MANLY things, and women don’t ever experience sexual anticipation and don’t have any interests outside what is WOMANLY.
Fuck your gender norms.
Jason opens the coffin and does a sexy tear. Anita wants to know what’s wrong and JC says go look and then forgive me. Anita looks in the coffin and Gretchen has turned into a living mummy.
I have never been scared by anything LKH has written. I find her attempts at gore very bland and boring. Today is no different. It’s just a vampire mummy in a box. I don’t feel anything visceral, no thrill, no chill of horror. It’s just a dried up body in a box. LKH’s writing is so bland and emotionless that it fails in the thriller aspect of her mixed genre mess.
Anita punches JC in the face.
this is a pointless book entirely pointless NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS
Plus today the 50 Shades trailer launched and the internet is abuzz with shitty people trying to market it as ‘sexy oooo’.
DOTTIE’S THOUGHTS ON THE THE FIFTY SHADES TRAILER
- It’s boring.
- WHITE PEOPLE BEING ALL BORING.
- You know that bit where he forcibly fingers his victim at his parent’s dinner table? They put that in the trailer. That’s EL James’s present to all abused women everywhere: triggers everywhere, with no warnings.
- That’s how you get people to see films! Force them to have panic attacks!
- Ana is like a blowup doll. One of those really realistic ones with hair and all the proper holes.
- Grey is even more of a blackhole of charisma’cant than he is in the book.
- The BDSM is baaaaaaad. Not as in ‘good/bad’ but in the ‘that looks incompetent and done by people who know fuck all and couldn’t be bothered to research anything’. In that sense, this is probably one of the most accurate adaptations ever made.
- The trailer tells the entire story of the film. Entitled white guy finds his perfect victim, they have dirty-filthy-really-really-plain-and-boring-BDSM-like-people-think-that’s-shocking sex. Ana is overawed by the power of his whiteness.
- Since when has BDSM been shocking? I’ve seen worse on BBC2.
- I’m going to get a milkshake.