A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty four


Let’s see what nothing happens today.

Jean-Claude gave Jason the keys to the locks on the silver chains. He’d spent the last hour explaining everyone’s job.

?

‘I want you to open the coffin, you to stop them from leaping out, and then we’ll feed her.’ That took me ten seconds to say. What was so difficult? Anita’s panicking because Damian might be too lost and the madness might be permanent and she’s not powerful enough apart from the fact that she’s a fucking necromancer.

Jason raised the lid, slowly. Not because it was heavy, but because, I think, he was scared, too. The idea of being Gretchen’s first meal had made him laugh, that anticipatory sound that is half-grown up male, and half little boy. The sound that men reserve for things that combine sex and usually sports, cars, technology, or danger – depends on your man. I’m sure there are men out there that would give that purring, excited laugh at the thought of gardening, or poetry, but I haven’t met them. Might be an interesting change, though.

You feel that. That’s a magical hammer coming to slam you down into your gender box. Because men must ALWAYS be interested in sex and MANLY things, and women don’t ever experience sexual anticipation and don’t have any interests outside what is WOMANLY.

Fuck your gender norms.

Jason opens the coffin and does a sexy tear. Anita wants to know what’s wrong and JC says go look and then forgive me. Anita looks in the coffin and Gretchen has turned into a living mummy.

I have never been scared by anything LKH has written. I find her attempts at gore very bland and boring. Today is no different. It’s just a vampire mummy in a box. I don’t feel anything visceral, no thrill, no chill of horror. It’s just a dried up body in a box. LKH’s writing is so bland and emotionless that it fails in the thriller aspect of her mixed genre mess.

Anita punches JC in the face.

this is a pointless book entirely pointless NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS

Plus today the 50 Shades trailer launched and the internet is abuzz with shitty people trying to market it as ‘sexy oooo’.

DOTTIE’S THOUGHTS ON THE THE FIFTY SHADES TRAILER

  • It’s boring.
  • BOOORRRRRINNNNG.
  • WHITE PEOPLE BEING ALL BORING.
  • You know that bit where he forcibly fingers his victim at his parent’s dinner table? They put that in the trailer. That’s EL James’s present to all abused women everywhere: triggers everywhere, with no warnings.
  • That’s how you get people to see films! Force them to have panic attacks!
  • Ana is like a blowup doll. One of those really realistic ones with hair and all the proper holes.
  • Grey is even more of a blackhole of charisma’cant than he is in the book.
  • The BDSM is baaaaaaad. Not as in ‘good/bad’ but in the ‘that looks incompetent and done by people who know fuck all and couldn’t be bothered to research anything’. In that sense, this is probably one of the most accurate adaptations ever made.
  • The trailer tells the entire story of the film. Entitled white guy finds his perfect victim, they have dirty-filthy-really-really-plain-and-boring-BDSM-like-people-think-that’s-shocking sex. Ana is overawed by the power of his whiteness.
  • Since when has BDSM been shocking? I’ve seen worse on BBC2.
  • I’m going to get a milkshake.
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13 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty four

  1. “Fifty Shades” is so horribly hilarious that I wish I could be stunned that it became a bestseller. It’s completely obvious that it’s a Twilight fic with the names filed off (I tried reading it; I had to stop halfway through because I was choking on laughter), and yes, the BDSM is so badly done it’s amazing. Mr. Sexy Man also doesn’t respect what’s her name’s boundaries, since, if I recall, he dislikes using safewords, and so doesn’t. Stop. And then tells her later “you liked it anyway.” Just…AAGGGHH.

    Anita is a horrible necromancer. This whole bullshit with Damian is because she accidentally used her powers to control him, so why can’t she do the same with Gretchen to basically keep her from going nuts on their ass while they try to feed her? It should not be this difficult.

  2. •You know that bit where he forcibly fingers his victim at his parent’s dinner table? OMFG WTF BBQ

    remember that story I told you about how my cousin’s husband was telling me he loved that book and couldn’t wait for the movie? THAT IS EVEN FREAKIER TO ME NOW

  3. Watched the trailer, and if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought it was basically American Psycho, only from the victim’s POV. Except that might actually be a good movie. Certainly better than what it’s actually going to be, at any rate.

      • Maybe she’s doing it on purpose? Like, she knows that the relationship is really, *really* creepy, but can’t come out and say it. So instead, she’s just using techniques to imply that.

        Also, I really want to go and re-watch American Psycho now. Almost-naked Christian Bale running around with a chainsaw is both hilarious and terrifying.

      • I’d like to think that, but ELJ has been heavily involved in all aspects of the production. I doubt she’d let anything out that compromised her ‘vision’.

    • ELJ’s idea of bondage is both abusive and really vanilla. And she’s so involved in the production it’s not even funny.

      That guy just looks permanently dazed and confused.

      • I actually feel embarrassed on the actors’ behalf. It had to be awkward as hell having to act out these shitty attempts at sex, not to mention attempting to look as if they’re actually being romantic instead of abuser and victim.

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