A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter nineteen PART ONE


This chapter is thirty pages long and I can’t deal with such a huge chunk at once. These chapters are too long. They don’t have any plot in them, and should have been speedily edited away.

I mean, can you describe anything resembling a plot for the last five chapters? It’s just been people running around saying ‘The ardeur! Should we do something? We should do something!’ SOMEONE DO SOMETHING. AND BY ‘DO’ I DO NOT MEAN SEX.

I was naked again.

When… when did you put on clothes? You didn’t put on clothes, you were still naked from before, and that sentence implied you put on clothes for the soul purpose of removing them.

The five of us lay in a heap, breathing hard, bodies tingling, with that rush magic will leave behind sometimes – where you feel both tired and exhilarated at the same time – sort of like sex.

You DID have sex. And those dashes make no sense! That sentence makes no sense! ‘Sort of like sex’ is a dangling fragment, not connected to the part of the sentence before the dashes.  Y U NO WRITE GOOD.

Anita has also apparently eaten a huge chunk from Jason’s neck. Kinky. Anita feels instantly nauseous, as anyone but Hannibal would, and runs to the toilet.

I threw up, and the flesh – about the size of a fifty-cent piece – came up just like it had gone down – whole.

THOSE DASHES HURT. Take out the first pair and replace them with commas. And is a fifty cent coin that big? Anita just vomits and vomits, as well she should after eating the toxic goop that is human blood. JC knocks on the door and asks to come in, forgetting that it’s hard to answer when bile is pouring out of your throat.

“I’m here,” I said.

No shit, Sherlock. Everyone saw you run into the toilet! JC wants to know if he can get her anything and she asks for an aspirin and a toothbrush. Myself, I’d go for water and a flannel. I’m not sure how an aspirin will help, seeing as you might vom it up.

“You could ask me to cut my heart out at this moment, and I might do it. Instead you ask for aspirin and a toothbrush.” He leaned in and laid the gentlest of kisses on top of my head. “I will get what you ask.”

I am going to beat your head in with a cricket bat, JC. Why the hell are you making such a big deal out of being nice to your girlfriend?

Jean-Claude looked like someone who should have servants, and he did.

What does that even mean. That he’s entitled to be a classist git?

JC does as he is bid and helps Anita get up once the sickness has passed.

My breast hurt where it rubbed against the cloth. I pulled back enough to look down at my body. There was a perfect imprint of Nathaniel’s teeth encircling my breast around the areola. He’d only drawn blood in a few places, but the rest was a deep red-purple.

Nathaniel saw Anita had passed out so decided to bite her on the breast hard enough to DRAW BLOOD. Which, may I remind you, she did not consent to. At all. Anita has not shown an interest in S&M, even being repulsed by it. Bloodplay has never been shown to be an interest of hers.

“Why is it things like this never hurt while you’re doing them?”

Because you weren’t really inside your body when it happened, Anita. You were out of it. Hence my yelling. Anyway, this means that Nathanvile has ‘more control’ than Jason, for some fucked up reason. JC points out, rather shrewdly, that Anita doesn’t really know anything about Nathanvile, but Anita just wants to be held. Her boob hurts.

If my morals hadn’t gotten in the way, I could have just marvelled at the whole thing.

Your… morals. What? YOUR morals?

Sigh. Refer to Deadpool.

Anita asks why she’s pleased to be marked by Nathanvile. I don’t know – you’re happy to be his leader, it’s some stupid ardeur bullshit, it’s stupid SI bullshit. Pick one. JC opts for wereleopard bullshit. He also suggests that if Anita has the powers of a vampire, it may simply be that leopards are her beast to call.

I leaned back enough to see his face. “Are you attracted to the wolves?” I asked.

“I find it pleasant to have the wolves around me. It is comforting to touch them like a… pet, or lover.”

It’s completely normal for people to look upon their pets and think, ‘Well, I love my pet, but I wish I could have sex with it’. GAH.

This bullshit continues as JC tells Anita to think of Nathanvile, a human being Anita is sexually attracted to, like a pet. Or, do use a better term, as a slave. Because that’s what it is. It’s slavery, pure and simple. How lovely.

They talk about animals to call and how you should be nice to your slaves and how asher doesn’t have an animal to call but his bites give you, like, the best orgasm EVR. JC then drops in that she and Nathanvile had sex and Anita freaks.

“I did not have sex with Nathaniel!”

“Come, ma petite, you did not have intercourse, but to say you did not have sex is splitting the hair a little too fine, no?”

If Anita was set in the 1960s or the 1970s, I could buy that she wasn’t aware that oral sex or fingering  or dry humping counts as sex. But this book is set in 2002. Anita has grown up in an age of Cosmopolitan, the internet, easy access to pornography. She can’t be a little blushing innocent because it makes her look particularly stupid. What, did she never talk about this sort of thing with her friends or boyfriends? Is she really so stupid as to think PiV is the only ‘real’ sex two people can have? Come off it, I don’t buy that.

“So you’re saying we had sex – all of us?”

THE ARDEUR FEEDS ON SEX. THE ARDEUR IS FED. DO YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING?

Anita is pouty about how sex counts as sex and they move the subject on to how Jason was a triforce substitute for Richard. Funny how the text implied that Anita was taking magic directly from Richard, but there you go. JC starts groping Anita, but he’s disgusting. She asks why he didn’t warn her about Belle Morte. He didn’t because the author is lazy and threw it in for ‘drama’ Um, Anita’s not a vampire, so how could he know! Even though he knows she is like a vampire in her powers! This is terribly written!

Guess what belle morte can call big cats what do you know

Anita asks whether Belle Morte can control her, after THE LAST CHAPTER WAS ABOUT ANITA HAVING THE POWER TO THROW BELLE MORTE OUT AND OVERPOWER HER

I am going to gnaw my hands off from the pain of these circular conversations. And then I am going to use my hands as a double slap weapon for these characters.

“You’re saying I kicked her butt once, I can do it again.”

*sobs*

Anyway, Anita is the only person in two thousand years of history to defy Belle Morte, what do you know.

“It is one of Asher’s gifts to make his bite orgasmic.”

‘They talk about animals to call and how you should be nice to your slaves and how asher doesn’t have an animal to call but his bites give you, like, the best orgasm EVR’

YOU ALREADY SAID THAT. Anita then realises that, shock, JC fed off all the sex too!

YOU KNOW HE’S AN INCUBUS. YOU KNOW HE HAS THE ARDEUR TOO. YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO FUNCTION.

JC then says how he and Asher defied Belle Morte by leaving her and how that she might be wanting revenge. I thought Anita was the only person to ever defy her. Huh.

I went to the sink and watched him in the mirror behind me. I’d known I was nude, but it wasn’t until I saw myself in the mirror that I really noticed it.

That’s it, I’m doing it. *starts to gnaw at own wrists*

There’s half a page of arguing about Anita getting a dressing gown that should have been cut out. JC says that pommey apples need a gift so Anita suggests money. This makes JC angry – they’re not ‘whores’, they’re ‘mistresses’! He also drops that Anita has to feed every day.

“What are you saying?”

The gnawing isn’t fast enough!

JC makes vague promises about teaching Anita from a distance and Anita tries to think who her pommey apple could be. JC suggests Nathanvile.

“It would be like child molesting. He can’t say no. If a person can’t say no, then it’s the same as rape.”

*breathes in, tries to calm self*

  • Having sex with a grown man is not in any way comparable to sexually abusing children. Fuck you. That’s one of the most offensive things I’ve read – and that’s saying a lot in this series.
  • If a person can’t say no, that’s not the same as rape. THAT IS RAPE.

Anyway, JC talks about sub bullshit and how Anita would never have ‘casual lusts’. Yeah, she dry humped Nathanvile to orgasm without talking to him, I think she is. And Anita can’t stop wanting to have sex with Nathanvile because she’s a true leopard leader.

Anita spends a page cleaning her mouth, trying to get rid of the taste of blood. It’s a rare character moment. JC gives her blue satin to wear, since she’s his portable fuck doll. Everyone has left, aside from Nathanvile who will drive Anita around because she can’t do it herself. Strong independent woman! They then talk about Asher’s penis and whether he still has it.

“But we still do not know how badly scarred he is, and that is a ruin of a different sort.”

Yes, he might ruin your sex fun by being all disfigured. JC drops a story of BM infecting a whole room of humans with the ardeur for no real reason.

“What does she gain from making a whole room of humans lose control like that?”

BECAUSE THE ARDEUR HAS TO BE FED WITH SEX. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GOT TO BE TOLD THIS????????

JC says there’s no no, there’s no no, there’s no limit to how many people you can feed off at a time.

“What did she do with all that power?”

“She helped a marquis seduce a king and changed the trade routes and alliances of three countries.”

Why? It’s not like she was a public or political figure. Why did she do this? It seems that BM was a royal mistress and got a lot of titles and lands and influence through him.

“No one is that good in bed.”

Of course, people only like each other or love each other because of sex. A relationship cannot be based on any other thing, like companionship or enjoyment of each other’s company. Heaven forfend that people in a relationship are nice to each other!

Anita wants to know why JC and Asher left BM. I don’t know, being a sex slave is awful? Use a braincell and think for once. You might like it. JC talks about how they set things up with Julianna, and that’s where my fifteen pages are up.

Fifteen pages and the plot has not moved on one little bit.

I’m going to hide away and grumble. And not read young!Xavier smut

Remember, if you want to join the upcoming RP, email me your character sheet!

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17 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter nineteen PART ONE

  1. Have you ever thought of doing a review of Terry Goodkinds work. Obviously that would be far in the future if you decide to stick with Anita. But this style of review with Richard Sue would be hilarious.

  2. Okay, LKH, you’re written a couple chapters of Anita having sex, can we please get back to the plot now?

    Come to think of it, what is the plot at this point? Something about a big meeting with all the were-animals or something? Whatever it is, it has to be more interesting than the incredibly bland “kinky” sex Anita’s been forced to have.

    Also, this really annoyed me:

    “about the size of a fifty-cent piece”

    How the hell does Anita know how big a 50-cent coin is? I’ve never even *seen* one in real life, because they don’t really get circulated that much. I’ve seen more Susan B. Anthony dollars. LKH, Anita is not you! Please try to remember that!

    On an unrelated note, what did you think of the latest X-Men flick? I enjoyed it, but I still don’t get how Kitty Pryde’s time-travel powers connect to her being able to phase through stuff. It bugs me.

    • The plot is supposed to be about kidnapped werecreatures, according to the blurb – but the wereleopards have been rescued so…. I have no idea what is happening in this thing. Nothing is happening. My fanfic works have more plot than this.

      I couldn’t find any pictures in my brief google fu showing me how big those coins are. I just kept finding fifty pence pieces, which are admittedly more fun. I just love the shape.

      I really loved DOFP. The Kitty stuff annoyed me – not only her powers, but why couldn’t she get sent back in time? (well, I know why and i thought the explanation in the film was good, but it would have been nice to see kitty get sent back) But the whole thing felt bombastic and huge and RETCONNED X3 I AM SO HAPPY THAT FILM WAS DESTROYED ENTIRELY!

      Check out the bent bullet and 25 moments tie in sites. Really interesting sidereading to the film.

      I want more films with strung out druggie Xavier.

      • The one on the far left is a half dollar. It’s like twice the size of an American quarter, and is a monster of a coin. Here’s someone holding one: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T7lHcn2cNJ0/0.jpg I’ve found a few working at the gas station (the old Ben Franklins, anyway; they’re all silver, too). So, if she spit out a piece of flesh the size of the coin, she spit out a piece that was almost big enough to fill up half of her palm.

        Also, I was blah over DoFP. But I’m admittedly biased on all of the X-Men movies; the comics are dear to me, and seeing the hack jobs the movies have given us has been irritating from day one. First Class and The Wolverine are the only ones I haven’t completely hated, though DoFP is more annoying than anything else. And holy fuck, poor Warpath. I would *not* want anyone to have to go through that.

      • Well, at least Warpath didn’t get dragged from his home and beaten to death on the street. That’s what happened to Beast in the bad future.

        I am too biased on the movies because they make me into a three year old watching the cartoon for the very first time again.

        She described the piece of flesh as being really small. That’s not small. That’s a huge chunk.

      • I dunno; being beaten to death means you may at least have a chance to fight back. Holding Warpath like a dangling toy and lowering him face first into a blaze to slowly roast his face off is terrifying.

        Yes, Laurell has a very interesting problem with sizes. I think she was imagining something along the size of a quarter, which might have made a little more sense.

      • That was awful, true, but the Beast thing to me feels worse just because his death triggered the whole anti-mutant downturn and as the symbol of the destruction of human/mutant relations.

        Plus i love beast too much i have beast socks

      • I kinda do wish that Kitty had been the one to go back. One, she hasn’t gotten nearly the attention she deserves (apart from that one bit in X3), and two, snark from Ellen Page would have been so much funnier than snark from Hugh Jackman. Just sayin’.

        They kinda brought X3 back into continuity only to ret-con it away again. Along with the godawful Wolverine prequel. The only really good thing in that was Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, and they still managed to fuck that up. Oh well, now it never happened.

        And yes, we need more films with young Charles and Erik. McAvoy and Fassbender have the same kind of chemistry that Stewart and McKellen have. Give me more of that, please.

  3. Pingback: A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter nineteen PART TWO | Dottie Smith's Verbal Menagerie

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