I’m in a slightly better mood today, although I’m stiff and achy (I was helping on a school trip, and I may have enjoyed the adventure playground slightly too much). I found an eighty chapter Harry Potter/Anita Blake fanfic where Harry gets taken away from the Dursleys, who are punished for how they treated him.
I’m not here to judge anyone for liking the series or writing fanfic – hell, I used to write real person fic – and your wonderful efforts cheered me right up. If not for the reasons you intended.
Nicky Baco is trussed up on top of the bar.
His face was bloody and bruised, and the injuries were a lot fresher than mine.
HEY WATCH OUT WE NEARLY THOUGHT ABOUT ANOTHER CHARACTER
CAN’T HAVE THAT
There are random men and ‘wolves the size of ponies’ in the place. Huh, the more I read of Anita Blake, the more I become convinced that Stephenie Meyer either read or knew the series well before she wrote her own drivel. There’s a lot of POWER about. It makes Anita’s triforce with Richard pulse and grow… strong. Some dude with a ponytail is strutting up and down. He’s the pack leader of the local pack.
Anita, I thought you were the super duper queen of werewolf politics. And it never crossed your mind that the werewolves in… Santa Fe, Albequerque, it’s not clear, would have a pack leader?
You’re so stupid Anita.
Ponytail dude reveals that Nicky is his vargamor – witch, if like me, you can’t be arsed to remember the ridiculous names – and that Anita has offended him massively by not remembering how the fuck you’re supposed to act around a werewolf pack. Despite the fact that she still is the lupa of Richard’s pack. Anita tries to back track about how she didn’t understand the rules, and that she came here as Anita Blake, not a lupa.
“I didn’t know Nicky was your vagramor until after I’d talked to him.”
You didn’t know until one page ago.
This leads ponytail dude to get even angrier at Nicky Baco. However, that gets in the way of talking about Anita, so ponytail dude goes on about how everyone was talking about Anita, how everyone was talking about the extra special human lupa. Yeah, because it’s never ever happened before in the whole of history. *rolls eyes*
Ponytail dude slaps Nicky and then goes on to talk about Anita some more.
“Humans are fun,” he said. “Sex and a meal and you never have to leave your car. But-you-do-not-make-them-your-queen!”
Why-did-you-write-it-like-that-when-all-he-did-was-raise-the-pitch-of-his-voice-not-speak-really-quickly. And, again, ponytail dude, YOU ARE HUMAN FOR 99% OF THE TIME. You live in a human society. You were turned into a werewolf. You have a community, yes, but why the hell do werewolves suddenly switch instantly to ‘oh humans are the enemy we are so different from humans’? If you’ve been living in a human society for the majority of your life, you’re not going to suddenly go ‘oh, yeah, I’m going to start raping and eating people now!’. It only makes sense if werewolves are a defined subspecies of humanity. Why can’t the world building in these books make sense?
“You’re a racist, Ulfric,” I said.
Run that by me again.
“I’m human so I’m good enough to fuck, good enough to kill but not good enough to be your equal just because I’m human. You’re a racist chauvinistic big bad wolf.”
Oh, that’s rich Anita. Considering that you’re a racist, sexist, ableist twatwaffle. And yet again, LKH displays how little she understands the delicate politics of race. Werewolves in this series have been shown to be massively discriminated against – they are not accepted in human society in any way shape or form. An oppressed minority cannot be an oppressive majority. The oppressed cannot oppress their oppressors. That is not how it works. In the AB world it is the humans who consider all other creatures to be undeserving of equality. You display that attitude yourself Anita. Constantly. You cannot call ponytail dude a racist because he cannot be a racist. He is angry against an oppressive race.
So stop trying to discuss race, LKH. You fail each and every time.
Pnoytail dude just reiterates that Anita broke all pack laws. Anita threatens to kill him. Ponytail dude ignores this and asks for tribute.
“You mean a gift,” I said.
A gift, testimonial, compliment, or the like, given as due or in acknowledgement of gratitude or esteem.
Honestly, these word things are such a hard concept to understand!
Anita bitches about how she didn’t expect to do this – more like you forgot – and that oh no she has to take ponytail dude’s word for it that nothing’ll happen. She says that she wants to see what’s behind the bar. I had no idea something was behind the bar, but PD complies and… it’s a thing with lots of faces that looks like a mummy?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON
People react to it for a page, and then Anita appears to know what it is. Not that she tells us. Nicky made it and it’s too powerful to be stopped. Anyway, after talking, it appears the thing is a ‘monstruo‘, and bad people get stitched into it.
congrats lkh you called a monster ‘monster’ well done you are clearly the most imaginative writer ever
Anita throws POWER at Nicky for a page until he promises to release the souls inside the monstruo. There are souls inside it? Thanks for letting me know. Anita bullshits about her gift, and makes him promise to make Nicky give up the souls. She then slashes her arm open for the werewolves to feed on because, yeah, werewolves are the creatures known for feeding on blood. And this is a worthy gift.
Fuck that, you get me the tesseract Avengers blu-ray set. That’s a worthy gift. I don’t want blood. It’s useless and it makes you ill if you drink it.
She now gets to talk to Nicky. She insults him first, but he reveals that all this magic is stuff that’s older than voodoo. Well, duh, seeing as voodoo of the Americas involved through the transportation of Africans for the purposes of slavery. There are a lot of things older than voodoo of the Americas.
On an aside, notice how Anita never talks about anything to do with voodoo worship. No gods, no anything. Hey, look, a white woman using POC culture for her own personal gain!
Normally, I’m against torture.
UM THAT FUCKING GUY YOU TORTURED AND MURDERERED IN THE LAST BOOK WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO FUCKING SAY ABOUT THAT
Anyway, Nicky felt the mutilator thing awake ten years ago. Anita questions what the word ‘awake’ means and why he didn’t tell anyone. Considering how witches are treated in this world, I don’t blame him. He tells her it’s a god. Anita doesn’t understand why a god would skin people, even though she’s talked about how the Aztec gods were interested in that. The god is called ‘Red Woman’s Husband’.
“That can’t be an original English phrase.”
Why. What makes that so unlikely to be an original English phrase.
Anita says thanks, and the gang go out. She falls on Olaf and he laps up some of her blood.
There are all kinds of monsters. Most of them crave blood. Some for food, some for pleasure.
That is some beautiful grade A bullshit. Congrats for you.
What did this chapter add, aside from the conversation with Nicky? Ponytail dude didn’t need to show up at all. It added nothing. NOTH-ING.