A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter forty five


Anita and various assorted members of her crew run… past the house where Charlotte and Daniel are being held. They run up a hill which has a convenient on the top. Charlotte is naked, tied to stakes, while Linus walks around in a voluminous black robe. Anita chastises the reader for having perceptions from ‘the movies’, but this sounds like a satanic rite from a really dodgy seventies exploitation film.

Where are the black roosters? Where is the naked woman being used as an altar? Where are the sigils? Honestly, does no one bother to research what real historic Satanists did?

Charlotte was inside the circle. She was food for the demon, bait.

That was a terrible sentence. It’s two separate ideas wedged together lazily. Is Charlotte food for the demon, implying that she’s a reward, or is she being used as bait to lure a demon out? Which wouldn’t work anyway, because you have a summon a demon with magic. You can’t just leave a woman out and hope that a demon saunters by.

Anita is full of Richard’s POWER and can sense great evil approaching. At least she’s self aware. Niley then starts shooting at her. He says that she can’t possibly cross the circle because… um, if it’s a protection circle against evil, then I guess she really can’t. Niley demands that Anita drop her gun. Anita demands that he drop his gun, or she’ll shoot Linus. Niley throws away his gun, rather than shoot Anita, and Anita throws her away.

Linus has been summoning the demon the whole while and finishes his spell.

I wasn’t sure if it was the blackness of it that made it hard to see, or if it was like smoke, never exactly one shape. It seemed to be about man height, maybe eight feet, not much more.

Eight foot high is not ‘man height’.

It was so thin that it looked like it was made of sticks. Its legs were longer than they should have been, bent wrong somehow. I realized that the longer I stared at it, the more solid it was growing. The neck was a long serpentine, bent back on its shoulders like a heron, and it had a beak for a mouth.

‘Serpentine’ is a description. A neck can be described as being ‘serpentine’. It means ‘serpent like’. Something cannot be A serpentine, unless it’s she’s describing the demon as having a roller skating move for a neck. Or it’s the Serpentine, which is a lake in Hyde Park. And I don’t think the demon can have The Serpentine as its neck.

If it had eyes, I couldn’t see them. The face looked blind and only half-formed.

aaaaaaaaand all this means that the demon does have exactly one shape. It has a shape that can be identified and it sticks to. Meaning LKH just plain forgot she described it as not having a singular shape. Within the space of a single paragraph.

Niley taunts Anita about how she’s too late, while the demon prowls around the outside of the circle. Generally, when you summon a demon, you summon it into another circle of protection. That way, you prevent it from running around without control, because sorcerers generally don’t have a true control over demons. There is nothing stopping the demon from eating Anita and all her crew until Linus sends it back to Hell.

Anita also prowls around the outside of the circle. I don’t understand why the demon isn’t interested in her. Apparently, the demon can’t have Charlotte because she is ‘pure of heart and soul. Her soul is spoken for, and this thing cannot touch her’. Okay, that ignores the fact that devils historically enjoy taking ‘pure’ souls because it’s more fun to corrupt the good than the wicked, and it pisses me off immensely because it’s another confirmation that this is a God driven universe. And God approves of Anita, her crew, and their families.

Linus orders the demon to eat Charlotte and it comes inside the circle. Which it should not be able to do. At all. Anita calls Linus evil, and he returns the compliment. Anita starts quoting the Bible, specifically the verses talking about the shepherds at the nativity. Which is weird. She claims she can’t remember the Lord’s Prayer, so she pulls out… really random bits of the Bible. I am not religious. I haven’t been since I was a small child. But I can still remember the Lord’s Prayer perfectly. For all that Anita talks about being a good ol’ church girl, she has never seemed any more religious than I was. I just don’t find it believable that she pulls random Bible quotes out of her ass.

Anyway, her speaking religious quotes means that she’s not evil, and can walk through the circle and repel demons and rescue charlotte and makes her impervious to being stopped by Niley and Linus. Somehow. She also breaks the circle of protection because the fact she knows NOTHING about this kind of magic means she instantly knows everything about this type of magic. This means the demon can run around freely in the neighbourhood, killing whomever it chooses.

NICE MOVE ANITA

The police then show up and instantly start getting mown down by the demon. Anita screams at them to pray, which they start to do, and this instantly repels the demon. One of them is a random Hindu, just to confirm that one God controls all world religions in this universe. I don’t know how, seeing as there are no controls on it. The demon asks Anita if it’s free, and she says it is. It then runs off into the night, presumably to murder lots more people.

Again

NICE MOVE ANITA

REAL NICE

I GUESS YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THE DEMON CAN NOW KILL

BUT CHARLOTTE IS SAFE

OH JOY

Maiden turns up in the police surrounding the circle. Turns out he’s a federal agent working deep undercover because… i don’t know why. Niley only turned up in town a month ago. How did the FBI predict what he was going to do and get an agent in that quickly?

A medical officer runs to Charlotte and tries to make sure she’s okay. I say try, because Anita is instantly disparaging.

shining lights in her eyes and asking silly questions, like did she know the date and where she was.

She’s making sure Charlotte doesn’t have brain damage. Idiot.

Another EMS goes to her and says how Niley is dying. Wait, what? When did that happen? Okay, looking back over the page and the demon attacked Linus. It did not attack Niley, not that I can make out.

“How did you pass the circle?”

“It was meant to trap evil inside or keep it out. I’m not evil.”

“You raise the dead,” he said.

“I’m a necromancer. I was kind of doubting where that out me on the scale of good and evil, but apparently God’s okay with it.”

Ahem. Let me quote the Book of Deuteronomy, verses 18:9 – 12.

When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do according to the abominations of those nations. 10There shall not be found among you any one who maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or who useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch, 11or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. 12For all who do these things are an abomination unto the LORD, and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

It also says that necromancers should be executed.

So, yeah, Anita talk to me more about how God personally approves of what you do.

Niley goes on about how could she do it, so Anita talks about how she was so going to sacrifice herself for Charlotte, and Niley calls this ‘extraordinary’.

Bile just flew from out of my nose. Just lick Anita’s buttcrack, everyone. She’s DIVINELY ORDAINED TO SACRIFICE HERSELF. LIKE JESUS.

Oh, but we must be distracted from Anita talking about how wonderful and divine she is because Nathaniel is dying. Again. Apparently, he was shot by a policeman. He’s dying and shit and Anita cries and begs Marianne to help her. Forgetting that she has already shown the ability to heal people. And that we have seen shapeshifters heal from much worse wounds before. But, no, she’s going to have to call forth werewolf sex ghosts and remember how he smells like vanilla and his lilac eyes and then an orgy happens.

Anita wraps her legs around Nathaniel’s hips and Richard rubs her back and they strip off and rub each other. they rub each other until having orgasms heals chest wounds.

I must point out that the ambulance crew and the police are watching this. They are watching a bunch of people just spontaneously have a bloody – a literally bloody – orgy. That God approves of!

oh my god

ONE OF THE AMBULANCE CREW ACTUALLY SHOUTS OUT ‘IT’S A MIRACLE!’

MY GOD

ANITA IS A FUCKING CHRIST FIGURE

I WAS JUST JOKING BEFORE

BUT SHE HAS BECOME A LITERAL CHRIST FIGURE IN EVERY SENSE OF THE TERM

SHE HEALS THE INJURED!

GOD APPROVES OF HER!

SHE’S SELF SACRIFICING!

EVERYONE WORSHIPS HER!

Move over Jesus, Anita Blake is here to save us all!

Richard then just proclaims how Anita is the most perfect lupa ever, how could he ever doubt her, and that the three of them can never be parted.

Charlotte then asks ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ although I have no idea what she’s talking about. Whatever it is, she approves of it. After watching her son abandon her to have a spontaneous threesome with Anita and a man bleeding to death. This makes Charlotte cry. I think I would in her situation.

you know what we all need

picspam

yes

that’s look away from blood orgies and blatant blasphemy and so much wrong

do we all feel better? I feel better. Just the crappy epilogue to go!

…. what happened to Linus?

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12 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter forty five

  1. ….that is the best image of Jesus on a cracker I HAVE EVER SEEN.

    Also, that sidelong look from Benedict. Unf.

    I’m a very happy athiest myself, but even first reading this book I understood LKH was full of shit on the whole “necromancy is cool with God” bit. Granted, I suppose an argument can still be made that the Bible was written by men, so it’s entirely possible God doesn’t actually have a problem, and mankind just made one, but that’s an argument I doubt she’d ever thought of.

    …come to think of it, I wonder what would happen if we threw LKH and Anne Rice into a room and let them argue religion?

    • I had to include the arm porn. Those arms. Double unf.

      I highly doubt LKH would ever think of that argument, seeing as this books argument would seem to be ‘God’s cool with me being a necromancer – and I have had direct confirmation of that’. I may start calling her Anita K. Christ.

      That would be interesting! LKH is a massive Rice fan, but her paganism would seriously clash with the strength of Rice’s Christian beliefs. At least Rice never had any of her characters be God-mandated. Well, to the best of my knowledge she hasn’t.

      • I think Memnoch the Devil was supposed to suggest that Lestat *was* in his way accepted by God. I know I remember Blackwood Farm had at least a page or two devoted to Lestat basically going on about how awesome the new Pope was, and God, and such. My memory of it’s a bit weak, since I think I read Blackwood Farm and Blood Canticle a grand total of maybe once.

      • I didn’t even get that far into the series. I enjoyed Interview, but I nope’d out when I read the first page of The Vampire Lestat. I liked Lestat, but I could not deal with a doorstop of a book told from his perspective. Ugh, nope.

  2. Yeah, I think Rice is one of those authors who you either really like, or really don’t. I actually enjoy her older, prosey (is that even a word?) work, even though it’s horribly uncool to admit it. Though if pressed, it’s her two historical fiction novels I’d take with me to a deserted island over her Vampire novels.

    • I really enjoyed Interview but Lestat’s narrative slapped me in the face with such levels of douche that I had to put the book down and scuttle off to buy Mills & Boon romances. (I am such an addict for junky romance novels)

  3. It is true: he can be pretty douchey. But he became Mega Lord King Douche after the fifth book. I also have no other arguments to offer as to why I enjoy them anyway.

    …no, wait, I do: I’m a sucker for vampire novels.

  4. I swear, every time I read that term, I think of Harley Quinn speaking in the Bard’s English and flapping around in Elizabethan dress. Don’t know why.

  5. Hell, the whole point of a circle in most demon-summoning rites is to keep the demon from attacking the summoner. So the demon should’ve attacked Linus immediately when it wasn’t inside the circle.

    There are demons in Hindu, or demonic beings, so I… can accept that the Hindu prayers could banish this non-Hindu-specific demon. Just because we aren’t told which prayers the person is saying. Maybe he was praying for protection against demons in general. I’M GOING TO ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

  6. Since it’s already an All Myths Are True world, I could buy that demons of all stripes are repelled by faith of all stripes – there was a vampire parody one time where a staunch capitalist was able to repel a vampire with his wallet, so yeah. I doubt LKH thought in that much detail though. And hasn’t she ever heard that the devil can quote scripture to suit his needs?

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