A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter seventeen


So: Anita has gone skipping out to hike through the woods in thigh-high boots and a leather mini-skirt. On top of that, she’s wearing a massive leather jacket to hide the Uzi and a massive leather bag she’s carrying. The bag has a lighter and a can of hair spray, because Anita is a teenage girl who frequents the Paddock. (A park near college in my hometown).

It’s the middle of summer and Anita is wearing full leather. She pauses to complain about the heat. I want to slap her in the face.

The boots were low-heeled enough and they fit well enough that they actually weren’t bad for walking through the woods.

High heels are never a good idea in woodland. Boots that restrict your movement when going to clash with vampires are NOT A GOOD IDEA.

All that leather crinkled and sighed every time I moved. Under other circumstances, it might have been interesting; as it was, it was irritating. Important safety tip: Don’t try to sneak up on people in new leather. At least not people with supernatural hearing.

Pointing it out doesn’t make it cute and funny. It makes me aware of how stupid and harebrained this whole situation is.

Richard is around and Verne’s people have delivered the message, and Anita goes on about how Richard knows the pack so well and –

….

Okay, so Richard has been spending every summer in this town for a few years. Why didn’t he just move to the town? His family seem to be close to the area, the trolls he’s studying are there. So why did he live in St. Louis?

Thinking of Richard makes Anita SAD so Zane tries to hug her. She shrugs him off, not knowing whether she should like him (she shouldn’t), then says how well Zane’s leather outfit is great for running through the woods. Then she looks to Richard in his leather outfit, and says how she’s never seen him wear black before which I guess is supposed to be poetic but is wrong, because she’s seen Richard in black clothes plenty of times. Then she feels SAD that he isn’t hers.

Richard then comes on over which is bad because it means the vampire marks are calling him. I don’t know how or even when that happened, but I am then crushed with a pile of exposition.

Verne had learned through Mira that Colin believed that Asher was his replacement.

That’s good to know LKH! Would have liked it if that hadn’t happened entirely off screen! But nope, clothes porn was more important!

The plan is to convince Colin that Asher is in love with Anita and JC. This will make Colin not suspicious because… hell, I thought Colin was justified in not wanting any of JC’s crazy train arriving on his patch. Actual politics has been swallowed up by nonsense about sex.

Richard and Anita then talk and I think they’re supposed to lie and say they’re together but honestly, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I feel like I’m looking at a jigsaw that’s missing a massive chunk. They have to show off the vampire marks but I thought they could just show triforce power but LKH seems to have forgotten that exists.

Richard then flexes some muscle and his shirt rips. Whoop de fucking doo.

The silk ripped with an almost wet sound. Silk sounds the closest to flesh of any cloth when you tear it; only leather sounds more alive under a blade.

I’m not an expert on tearing through flesh, but I have worked with leather. Leather has never made the sound of ‘flesh’ when I’ve worked with it. It doesn’t sound alive. Probably because alive flesh under a blade usually erupts into screams when you tear into it.

Richard poses like the Incredible Hulk and Anita just goes on and on about how HAWT he is and Richard starts going on about how they should totes have all the sex and then he rides on power into the trees.

Jason then comes up and says how totes obvious it is that Anita loves Richard.

We started walking through the woods in the general direction everyone else had been going. We didn’t need no stinking directions.

wow so tuff

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter seventeen

    • I would absolutely read a fanfic about put-upon, overworked vampire politician Colin trying to run damage control on all these sex-crazed lunatics running around causing chaos in his territory.

      • Sometimes Colin really hated his unlife. He’d worked for years, climbing up the vampire hierarchy, making an alliance here, killing a competitor there. It’d been over six decades since he first came to Tennessee and he was finally at the top of the pile. He had a powerful human servant, a second-in-command with an incredibly rare gift, and cordial relations with the humans. He made a point of keeping his vampires in line, co-operating with the police, giving to charity. All that work to establish his position, and now this. Some newbie, who hadn’t even been Master of the City a decade, was demanding entry. As if it was his fault that Jean Claude obviously had no control over either his Animal to Call or his Human Servant. And when he refused to allow such dangerous opponents into his territory, they had invaded anyway. Colin could feel the technically impossible migraine building behind his eyes.

  1. So why did he live in St. Louis?

    Because his job is there and he likes it. This doesn’t seem strange to me. This kind of thing is not uncommon in the U.S.

    I’ve ripped silk before. It sounds like… cloth. It’s not as loud as thicker fabrics when it rips, so I have no idea how Anita heard it. And Richard ripped it just from flexing muscles? How did he even get it on in the first place, if it’s that tight? Why is he wearing silk anyway, it’s expensive and he’s tromping through the woods and he’s a werewolf in a dangerous situation which might mean he has to change shape and rip his clothes.

  2. “We didn’t need no stinking directions.”

    1) LKH, please stop making movie references. They’re never as clever or witty as you seem to think they are. They’re just really, really awkward and kill any sense of immersion.

    2) Yes, you do. You’re not from around this area, so you don’t know where anything is. Just assuming you’re going to magically “know” where to go is idiotic. Maybe these vampires are less up-tight than JC and his bunch and have their meetings at that mom an’ pop restaurant in town. Maybe the place where the meeting is being held has an access road leading to it from the other side. Men never asking for directions is a stupid stereotype. Why are you embracing it?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s