A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter six


Anita and Jason are driving into town to see Richard. I don’t foresee any problems arising from this situation at all.

Jamil had given me directions to the police station. He said to drive down the main street, turn right. You can’t miss it. Whenever someone says that, it means one of two things. Either they’re right and it’s obvious, or it’s hidden and you’ll never find it without a detailed map where X marks the spot.

I hate it whenever she goes off on a random tangent like that. Some writers can go on a tangent and make it interesting and witty. LKH just throws her own personal philosophy at us in a way that is boring and adds nothing to the plot.

Anita describes what appears to be a single street as being entirely rustic, having a mom-and-pop diner that is very popular, and every single building resting on cinder blocks. In other words, she has rocked up in podunk town, USA.

Another shop sold herbs and homemade jellies, though this wasn’t the time of year for it.

Because you can’t sell herbs and jam in the…. summer. I think it might be summer. I have no idea what time of year it is. But still, I had no idea that in America, you should not eat herbs or jam during the summer months. I was not aware that it is the greatest of social faux pas.

Jason points out the police station as the new pack enforcer. They pull up, and it becomes readily apparent that the new enforcer does not like Anita. The new enforcer is called ‘Shang-Da’, and I have a feeling he’s going to turn into a terrible Asian stereotype, especially considering that his name is that of a train station in Shanghai.

Research is your friend, LKH.

Anita and Jason head into the police station, so I’m predicting SHENANIGANS as she has to battle against the mean old police officer who is just doing his job and has the misfortune of having to deal with a psychopath.

My executioner’s license is in a nice fake-leather carrying case. It had my picture on it and looked damned official –

It is official. It’s an official document marking you out as a vampire executioner. Otherwise you’re just a twat with a piece of paper.

– but it wasn’t a badge. It wasn’t even a license good in this state. But it was all I had to flash, so I flashed it. I went in, holding the license out in front, because I was bringing a gun into a police station. Cops tended not to like that.

I wonder why.

Officer Maiden is a bit confused, seeing as he didn’t send for a executioner, and asks why Anita is here. She says she’s a friend of Richard Zeeman.

“No problem except that your friend is a damned rapist. I never understand why the meanest son of a bitch in the world has a girlfriend.”

Oh, I see a RECURRING JOKE beginning there! What hilarity!

Officer Maiden asks who Jason is, and if he’s Anita’s friend or Jason’s. I see that no one has pointed out that friends don’t generally get to visit when suspects are in custody.

Jason gave a big, good-humoured smile. “I’m everybody’s friend.”

Yeah, talking back to the official you’re trying to get past always turns out well. Tee hee hee.

Carl Belisarius then comes in, and everyone says hello and how beautiful Anita is (*gags*), and Officer Maiden says that the sheriff has give the go-ahead for Carl and Anita to go through, but not Jason. Anita’s gun has to stay at the desk, because no one would be stupid enough to let a gun into the cells.

I pulled the Browning out from under the jacket. I hit the slide and spilled the clip into my other hand. I jacked the gun open to show the chamber was empty and handed the whole shooting match to Maiden.

“Didn’t trust me to unload it for you?”

“I figured the Browning might be too small for your hands. Requires fine motor skills.”

“You giving me shit?” he said.

Can we not get through one scene with a police officer where they are not made into a terrible petty person who just hates Anita for no reason? Just why, exactly, must Anita have this contest with them, where she must stroke her imaginary penis and prove that yes, she does indeed have a humongous wonder-cock? I hate them. I absolutely hate the absolute disregard she has for any authority figure, just because they might suggest what she should do.

“Yeah, I’m giving you shit.”

Why? Because he forbade Jason entrance?

She bitches at him for the choice of gun he has, although he is a police officer and probably doesn’t have any choice over the government mandated weapon that he is carrying.

Then there is this. Oh god there is this.

“I’m afraid not. Mr. Zeeman has not relented.”

“Relented,” Maiden said, “relented. Now, that’s a nice lawyer word.”

“Reading improves your vocabulary, Officer Maiden. You should try it sometime. Though I supposed you can get by with just looking at the pictures.”

“Ooh, I’m cut to the quick on that one,” Maiden said.

“If you cut us, do we not bleed?” Belisarius asked.

Maiden shocked the hell out of me by giving the next line: “If you tickle us, do we not laugh?”

Belisarius clapped softly. “Touché, Officer Maiden.”

“Big and well read,” I said. “I’m impressed.”

He pulled a chain out of his pocket with keys on the end of it. “Don’t tell the other cops. They’d think I was a sissy.”

I looked up at him, all the way up at him –

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

– “It’s not reading Shakespeare that makes you a sissy, Maiden. It’s that damn gun. Only pansies carry that much hardware.”

I’m not going to scream at the pointlessness of this. I’m just going to say: thank you LKH, for showing us definitely that police officers are stupid, hicks are stupid, and Anita has a cock so big, she could use it as a boat to circumnavigate around the globe.

Anita and Belisarius head on through to see Richard, where there is more stroking of Anita. Belisarius fawns over Anita, about how beautiful she is, and shows he knows nothing about rape.

“I asked him why, with a nice piece of ass like you for his girlfriend, he had to go out and rape somebody.”

Rape is, you know, not about sex. It’s about violence, moron.

They arrive at Richard’s cell, and LKH spends three lines describing that it is white. Well done. That’s more for your word count. Anita goes on and on about how amazingly HAWT Richard is, as that’s how I want to think about a man in police custody on suspicion of rape.

Richard does not want Belisarius. After all, he’s innocent, and that means he doesn’t need a lawyer.

Yeah, that’s how a trial works! You just arrive, say that you didn’t do it, and they set you free!

Richard is being charged with rape, not attempted rape, as while the rape kit of the victim has no semen, there was evidence of penetration, such as with a foreign object. Belisarius attempts to ask Richard questions, but Richard just gets angry and refuses to co-operate. Wow, there’s a way to make yourself look innocent. He says that he dated Betty Schaffer, but that they never had sex. At this point, Anita cries about how he’s just saying details to make her upset, so Richard then begins to give details of his sex life with Lucy, Carrie, and Mira, and shouting at her for daring to help him.

i just hope these two kids work it out and get back together.

Anita whines at Richard, like always, so let’s ignore that. Richard continues to whine about how he’s innocent and doesn’t need a lawyer.

This man is a teacher and is working on a Master’s Degree. How has he got this far, when he clearly does not have a brain?

Belisarius informs Richard that he has been denied bail, which does not happen unless the courts fear you can escape easily (like if you have a private plane) or you’re a violently dangerous criminal. He also says they have to make Betty Schaffer into a whore, which well, is a real tactic in these sorts of cases.

Anita and Richard then make a big deal about how this going to take. They are as suspicious as possible, but refuse to tell Belisarius what is going on. Well, when you’re in a society that doesn’t know about werewolves, you have to hide what you are for as long as possible, to avoid freaking everyone out.

OH WAIT.

Richard then asks if Anita is jealous of Betty.

no.

no.

no.

Please don’t ask your ex if she’s jealous of the woman you supposedly raped.

And then ANITA SAYS SHE IS JEALOUS OF BETTY

I don’t know why all of us aren’t jealous of rape claimants! Ooh, the humiliation of having your vagina examined by a strange doctor! The joys of trying to get a room full of male police officers to believe your story! The scorn and degradation you will face in court! Having your sexual history paraded in front of strangers! The fact that a large amount of people will believe that somehow, the fact you were attacked was your fault!

If I see one more person trying to claim that these books are feminist or empowering, I will have to attack them with knitting needles.

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12 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter six

  1. Anita has said that carrying too much ‘hardware’ makes you a ‘pansy’. I’m assuming she means that carrying too many or too large weapons makes you appear to be weak or overcompensating. This is Anita who won’t leave the house without guns, knives, a sword down her spine, more guns in the car etc. This is hilarious. I’m sorry, I focussed so much on this line that I didn’t hear anything that came after. Lalalala can’t hear it, no jealousy of rape victims here lalalala

    • What, jealousy of rape victims? No one would say that, because that would be so offensive that no one would continue to publish their works.

      If you’re anyone other than Anita, carrying a large gun makes you look weak. If you are Anita, it is a perfect accessory for your gigantic imaginary penis.

      • I’m just enjoying the thought that everyone she shows her weapons off to pretends to be impressed, and then mocks her behind her back.

        Random police officer: Oh yes Anita, please forgive for underestimating your teeny tiny self. I see now that you are the manliest of women!

        After Anita leaves

        Random police officer: What a pansy. She is clearly overcompensating for her imaginary penis. And why is she interfering in this case anyway? This was just a robbery.

    • It’s been a while since I’ve read, but I think saying Anita is jealous of Betty is kind of a leap. Betty wasn’t raped, and every main character in the book knows it, including the audience. Betty was obviously a willing lover of Richard’s at some point, and THAT’S what Anita, Richard’s sort-of girlfriend, is jealous over.

      Yes, Anita is a penis-envy bitch that has way too much of an ego, but I can’t get on board with the whole “jeaousy of rape victims” bit.

      • At this point, the audience is NOT aware that Richard has not raped Betty. All we know is that Richard is in a police cell, arrested for rape and that they have not had consensual sex. Richard asking Anita if she is jealous of a woman who has made a complaint of rape is grossly insensitive.

  2. “Because you can’t sell herbs and jam in the…. summer. I think it might be summer. I have no idea what time of year it is.”

    I agree it must be summer, because otherwise Richard would be teaching at his school right?

    “She bitches at him for the choice of gun he has, although he is a police officer and probably doesn’t have any choice over the government mandated weapon that he is carrying.”

    I facepalmed so hard when I read this section that I now have a bright red handmark on my face.

    Like you said, Anita assumes that the Colt Python is his personal gun. I am guessing this is because it is a bit larger than the police issued guns she (LKH) is used to. However the 4″ and 6″ Colt Pythons were standard issue for several law enforcement agencies and as you correctly stated it is probably a department issue weapon. Anita then goes on to assume that he has loaded .357 magnum rounds instead of .38 special rounds (.357 revolvers can fire both), though being a rural sheriff deputy, Maiden may be called upon to do things like animal control where the .357 Magnum is preferred. Actually, reading ahead she/LKH seems to think that the Colt Python is a .45 instead of a .357 which is a straight research fail. Finally, Anita assumes that, contrary to all common sense, he would be using the gun to intimidate drunks. That is not what the police use guns for. Besides, wouldn’t the big ol’ Colt Python be much more effective at intimidating people than a smaller gun?

    Now on to the legal fail:
    1. Richard should know the exact charges against him as they would have been brought up at his first arraignment. He should also should know that he has been denied bail as again this is handled at the first arraignment and he was there.
    2. As I pointed out earlier, Richard should have been given bail as per the Tennessee state constitution.
    4. Richard should also know when his next court date is (for his preliminary examination I think, it depends on exactly how he was arrested and whether he waved it) as once again this is done at the first arraignment. At this point Richard should also be seriously worried about his job– the date is likely months into the future and most places won’t take ‘I was in jail’ as an excuse for missing work and I am going to take a wild guess that goes double for a school. Not to mention that whole werewolf thing.
    5. The judge who arraigned him should have made damn sure that Richard knew what he was getting into without a lawyer and that he had a right to representation. Especially as Richard was obviously not capable of following the proceedings. Though in Tennessee this may be done at the second arraignment?
    6. Belasarius should not be talking about the case in front of Anita, unless Richard gives him permission to. Even though Anita is paying him, Belasarius is Richard’s attorney, not hers. He is lucky that Richard didn’t say anything incriminating before he got Anita to leave. Footnote: I think technically this should be okay because Anita and Richard share a common interest, but it seems sort of sloppy, especially for a lawyer of Belasarius supposed caliber.

    Sorry to keep nitpicking minor things that LKH gets wrong. I just find it utterly repulsive that LKH claims to do extensive research when it is obvious that she doesn’t do ANY research whatsoever and furthermore seems to somehow avoided the osmosis of general cultural information so that she doesn’t even know how general things like arraignments work. It is like she is deliberately insulting the people who read her books.

    • That must be very sad. You’re out of school, you feel like having some jam on toast, or putting some nice parsley in your stew, but nope. There are no herbs or jams available in the summer. You are forbidden from eating them.

      Nitpick away – I can’t go into that level of detail on the schedule I have for the blog, and there is so much wrong with how LKH approaches the law and the justice system. There’s a lot I can’t pick up either through lack of time, and difference of culture.

  3. Re: Berries.
    I’m assuming, because most berries that jams are made out of are in fact harvested in the summer and this is a small town store, that LKH means that jams and preserves are normally stored until the winter while there aren’t any fresh berries available.

    However, that’s dumb and jams are sold all year round.

    • If that were true, it still doesn’t make sense. You’d make jams and preserves to *preserve* the berries if you won’t get a chance to eat them fresh, you don’t want to freeze them, and they’ll go bad before you eat them. Or just because you want some delicious cherry jam on your toast.

      Also, even if it weren’t summer, clearly LKH isn’t up on this new fangled building we Midwesterners like to call a greenhouse.

      • Only if you’re eating the raw berries. Some people pick berries specifically to make jams and preserves. And wouldn’t you want to buy stuff that’s been picked and canned recently, rather than sitting in someone’s cellar for months?

  4. You know, in the hands of a better (read: more competent) author, that bit where the cop (deputy?) quotes Shakespeare could have been a really nice moment – you know, “just because I’m from rural Tennessee doesn’t mean I’m stupid” or something. Instead, it’s just used as an excuse for Anita to shit on this guy for carrying a gun that he was probably issued by the department.

    And the fact that this is set in the South just pisses me off more. Yeah, I’m from the suburbs around Atlanta, but it still counts.

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