A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter two


Anita is immediately onto Richard’s case and phones up Catherine. Well, that is what anyone would do for someone they love, so I’m not going to be snarky about it. She gets Catherine’s husband, who does not talk like a real person.

“Here’s Catherine. If you think I have no curiosity at all, you’re wrong, but Catherine will fill me in after you hang up.”

I know that it makes sense, but I can’t make sense of it. What’s the point in saying that your wife will tell you what’s happening, when I would presume that would happen anyway? When someone phones my house and urgently asks for my mother, I don’t tell them ‘I am very curious but I am not going to ask you what’s happening, I shall ask my mother right away’. I just hand the phone after and expect that I am trusted enough to know what’s going on.

It just doesn’t seem like something a human being would say.

Anita tells Catherine what’s happened, and asks for a recommendation for a lawyer. This is sensible. What Catherine says is not sensible.

“Carl Belisarius,” she said when I was finished. “He’s one of the best criminal attorneys in that state. I know him personally. He’s not as careful about his clients as I am. He’s got some clients that are known criminal figures, but he’s good.”

Does LKH not understand how the legal system works? Even the guilty have lawyers. It is not a bad thing that they have lawyers. That’s how the system works. Sooner or later, most lawyers are going to be representing criminals. That’s just how it works. I don’t understand why Catherine is being so high and mighty about it. Does she conduct personal investigations and only represent those she has worked out to be innocent? If so, she’s the best detective in the world, with a 100% success rate. She must have a superpower, to be able to definitely know who is innocent and who is guilty.

Catherine asks whether Anita has Richard’s permission to do this, but Anita blathers on about how he’s so far away and the question is just dropped. It’s more important to talk about how she loves him, rather than who exactly is going to end up paying for Carl Belisarius’s probably exorbitant legal fees.

Anita hangs up and thinks about how she works for Animators Inc. in a terrible segue. She likes the work, but Bert annoys her as he expects her to do work. She is considering quitting, so she can do nothing professionally, but if she stops raising zombies, she will continue to raise zombies.

If I didn’t use it, the power would leak out on its own. In college there had been a professor who committed suicide. No one had found the body for the three days that it usually takes for the soul to leave the area. One night, the shambling corpse had come to my dorm room. My roommate got a room switch the next day. She had no sense of adventure.

Anita’s innate raising abilities suddenly got a whole lot more powerful. When they were inert, in all the previous books, they were only capable of raising dead animals, like every other animator. I guess we have to be told again that Anita is the most powerful and the most special animator that ever existed, ever.

Trouble is, I didn’t want to leave. Some of the people who worked at Animators Inc. were among my best friends.

Don’t lie. When was the last time you spared a momentary thought for them? It’s not now, because she then goes on about how hard it is being a vampire executioner and dating a vampire, oh woe is her.

My white furniture sat on top of a brilliant oriental rug. Cushions that caught the bright colors were placed casually on the couch and chair. The furniture was mine. The rug and the cushions had been gifts from Jean-Claude. His sense of style would always be better than mine. Why argue?

… because it’s your home, and it’s up to you how it should be decorated? Why does he get to have control over what is in your home? Why is that romantic?

The doorbell rings so Anita grabs her gun, but it’s Monsieur Twatwaffle himself, jumping into the book at the earliest chance to ruin my day. Anita complains about how her nightie is so long, as she has not apparently heard of ‘petite’ clothing ranges, which are available in pretty much any high street store. This leads us to describe JC for the umpteenth time and makes me want to gnaw my arms off.

His shirt was a conservative business cut with fastened cuffs and a simple collar. It was red with the collar and cuffs a solid almost satiny scarlet. The rest of the shirt was some sheer fabric so that his arms, chest, and waist were bare behind a sheen of red cloth. His black hair curled below his shoulders, darker, richer somehow against the red of the shirt. Even his midnight blue eyes seemed bluer framed by red. It was one of my favourite colours for him to wear, and he knew it. He’d threaded a red cord through the belt loops of his black jeans. The cord fell in knots down the side of his hip. The black boots came almost to the tops of his legs, encasing his long, slender legs in leather from toe to nearly groin.

He walked past me. I noticed the black boots were laced up the back from heel to top. The back of his black jeans fit smooth and tight so there was no need to guess what he wasn’t wearing under them.

That is tacky as shit. That is the worst outfit he has worn so far. It’s the least sexy thing imaginable. It’s the anti-sexy.

Anita thinks about how hawt he is for about half a page, but it does have the rather sweet line about how his smile is enough to make her blush and feel like a teenage girl with her very first crush. That is sweet, so I will give her that.

JC knows all about Richard’s problem as the local Master of the City, Colin (who was behind the door on the day they gave out all the impressive vampire names) phoned up to say it ain’t nowt to do with him. And instantly bar them both from going to Tennessee as he’s afraid of the all-mighty power of the Triforce.

This naturally means that they don’t have much time to help Richard – bullshit, that is bullshit – and that if Anita took the fourth mark she would be immortal. She refuses, so JC stretches out like a Playboy model on her couch, nipples a swinging, and talks about now nasty prison is. But not to worry, Asher is on the case! Anita, and her expert knowledge of the police, will be there for Richard.

Anyway, this is all a big excuse for sexy times. Or, as we like to call it around these parts, SMELL MY CHEESE.

He gave a small movement of his body and the satin edge of the nightie moved gently against my bare legs. Most men would have had to use their hands to get that kind of movement. Of course, Jean-Claude had had four hundred years to perfect his technique. Practice makes perfect.

He slid the hem of your nightie up your leg. Wow. Truly, he is a god amongst men.

“I want to do the wicked dance before you leave.”

The “wicked dance” [For the love of fuck woman, learn the difference between quotation marks and speech marks] was his pet euphemism for sex.

……………

…….. why……..

Why have you got a really stupid euphemism for sex? You’re both adults. You don’t need a euphemism for sex. Are you both so immature that you are incapable of saying ‘sex’?

The only comparison I can think of is on The Simpsons, where Homer and Marge have their ‘snuggling’. But I understand it for them. They have three children. They can’t talk about certain things in front of them, and a euphemism like that can often bleed into private talks. Plus, they’ve been together for sixteen years and it implies comfort and affection for each other.

The ‘wicked dance’ sounds like a teenager wrote this.

Anita cuts it off as she has to pack her bag, and goes on about how she has to have a man’s shaving bag for all her toiletries. Of course, because anything related to women is icky and gross and pathetic. It’s not like, you know, TOILETRY BAGS EXIST. OF WHICH I OWN ONE. THE SIZE OF A HANDBAG. AND IT’S AMAZING.

JC whines about urgh he’s so gross if she doesn’t want to have sex with him right now and that she must love Richard more than him. I’m surprised he doesn’t try to argue that his balls will go blue and drop off unless they have sex. I’m even more surprised by the fact he’s described as being a ‘predator’ and Anita is actually scared of him.

That’s not healthy. That’s not healthy at all.

JC is really jealous of Richard as Anita obviously cares more for him and that JC will have nothing and she didn’t even give him a kiss or anything.

JC is five hundred years old, and manages to channel fourteen year old teenage boy with entitlement complex very well.

Anita is forced to give up packing so that she can kiss JC and promise that she really wants to have sex with him, he’s fantastically gorgeous, and all she could ever want from a man. I understand needing reassurance from the one you love, but I don’t think it applies when your girlfriend is going to help someone – and you knew she was going to, as you were making arrangements to do it!

They have a hot steamy makeout until JC tries to bite her. She stops him, so JC whines on for a page about why won’t she just let him do it, it’s not going to hurt, it’s really important to him and everyone else is doing – and she would have given Richard anything he wanted!

Whether it’s biting or, I don’t know the really obvious comparison here, anal sex (man, the blog just took a nosedive in classiness), a couple must discuss their boundaries, what they find comfortable, and in what their hard limits are. Open discussions are the key to relationships. Trying to wheedle around when your partner says ‘No, I am not ever going to be comfortable with doing that’ is intensely disrespectful. ‘NO’ does not mean ‘well, maybe, if you whine like a child about it’.

I really hate JC.

Asher then calls and we learn that Colin has forbidden any people from St. Louis from coming into his territory. Anita does not accept bullshit such as ‘NO’ either, so immediately phones Colin right back. Colin is very polite and says he is afraid of JC – why? – and will not have anyone connected to him in his lands. Colin accuses JC of wanting to launch an invasion, unaware he is dealing with a pile of idiots. Anita swears she’ll come anyway, so Colin says that he will kill her if she does. Anita threatens him, which doesn’t work, and then tries crying about how can she possibly help Richard if she’s not there?

You can’t help him anyway, other than arranging a suitable lawyer.

This doesn’t work, so she tries threats again. She announces that there will be a full scale war, at which point JC jumps in to stop everything exploding around them. He asks her if she understands what she just did, but Anita just sees it all as being entirely necessary to help Richard. She has forgotten that if she dies, both Richard and JC die.

….. this would not be a bad thing.

anyway, Anita is the bogeyman of all vampire kind (yeah, right) and colin was always going to be too scared to let her into his lands. Then why and fight with him about it then? She’ll have to go over with a huge entourage of guards to keep her safe, no doubt most of them getting killed in the process.

Asher will be going with her. Oh joy.

Anita actually says ‘that’s not fair’, like a child, but hasn’t realised that when you threaten people and they have said that they will kill you, they may want to kill you.

Luckily, she’s still lupa of the wolves and queen of the leopards, so she can force them to go with her. Just abandon their jobs and families while she goes to cry about Richard.

Our destined leader, folks. Petty and small-minded. And dating an asshat.

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11 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Blue Moon’ chapter two

  1. I have to admit, once in a while, JC’s outfits sound as if they would be at least ridiculously hot on someone else. Like Benedict. For a photoshoot. NOT IN REAL LIFE. I cannot imagine walking around in public looking like that, and not expecting people to laugh at you, unless you’re at a dark and smoky club and you plan on getting it off fast.

    And then I remember it’s the vampire king of St. Louis, basically, who’s walking around looking like an expensive hooker, and then I just fall over laughing again.

    • JC’s outfits remind me of the outfits of the hookers in the video for Pat Benatar’s ‘Love is a battlefield’. It’s the very worst of eighties fashion.

      Dohhh, you always know how to exploit my love for Bandersnatch Cumberband! It’s like my achilles heel.

      • Ahahaha, oh yes, she really did have some eye-popping costumes. But I am such a sucker for the 80’s, so, well….I am 32 and I’ve been nostalgic for my childhood since I was a child.

        Benedict is everyone’s Achilles Heel, I think. It’s just most don’t want to admit it.

  2. Does LKH not understand how the legal system works?

    To answer your rhetorical question, I read a ahead a bit and no she does not. She has obviously done no research into the justice system, besides maybe watching an episode of Law & Order in which she sort of tuned out during the last half. As one of the most blatant examples: in a later chapter, Richard’s lawyer says that a judge denied him bail. In Tennessee, whose constitution (Article I, Section 15) specifically says that he has to be given bail unless he is charged with a capital offense, which he is not. There are a whole bunch of other things wrong with that scene but I will wait until you get there.

    Also, what exactly does Anita think she is going to do once she gets to… Myertown?

    I mean she is willing to die so she can do what exactly? Jean-Claude can afford a private jet. Therefore, he can afford an army of lawyers and private detectives and there is nothing that Anita can reasonably do that they can’t. In fact it is much more likely that she will just make the situation worse instead of better.

    Hell, he could even go mob style and ask Colin to look into the situation and sort of imply that if this mess isn’t sorted out quickly…

    • I guess she thinks she can go be a detective for a day, despite never having claimed to be a detective and having no detective skills whatsoever. She can only make things worse. She’s going to piss off the cops and piss off the judges – and probably distress the complainant.

      Nothing good can come from Anita being involved. Ever.

    • Maybe she is trying to make things worse. She got Richard crying over pricked fingers and walking around in her underwear in the last book, maybe she want to see how much more she can do to destroy him.

  3. I really would like to know what “best friends” she has among her co-workers because they ain’t shown up in any sporking I’ve done. I remember one that *exists* but that’s it.

  4. I’m really tempted to make the obvious joke about JC wanting to avoid a “war”, but I’m aware of how well the French have acquitted themselves at that sort of thing.

    Also, re: JC biting Anita – it’s not like he’s ever taken “no” for an answer before with regards to her, and given that it’s worked so far, why should he change now? I’m not sure who’s worse – JC for doing this, or LKH for writing it.

  5. Regarding the speech vs quotation marks (or what I am assuming is double vs single/inverted comma), in America, we are taught to use the double quotations so her “wicked dance” is correct. However, to make things worse, we are also taught that the single quotes are also okay to do this. I cannot really defend her other atrocious grammatical mistakes though.

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