A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter forty nine

I am tired and LKH has realised that nothing has really happened in the book for a while, so stomps on the plot pedal and flings us into PLOT OVERDRIVE. Back in the early days of Dottie Smith’s Verbal Menagerie, when I was tired or pissed off I would make everything into one of my patented bullet point lists. So, I’m bringing it back, along with another old favourite – pic spam!

Let’s do this.

  • JC’s front room is now massive dining room.
  • There’s a guy called Ernie we’ve never met who is hanging from the ceiling.
  • There are a bunch of wineglasses on the table, so you can guess where this is going.
  • Anita, the vampire expert, can’t.
  • Rafael is here, for some reason.
  • Padma steps out dressed in the most stereotypically Indian outfit LKH could imagine.
  • JC has a go at Ernie for coming home early and getting himself in danger.
  • Thomas and Gideon make a reappearance. Gideon is naked and is being lead around on a chain.
  • JC asks if they mean to drink Ernie, and Anita is surprised that he would think about draining a human and drinking their blood.
  • But no, it’s all grandstanding.
  • Everyone is hungry and had to eat the Traveler’s cast offs.
  • The Traveler then appears, with Balthasar, dressed as a Greek hero.
  • Anita insinuates that gay men are unable to be monogamous. Pleasant.
  • The Traveler says it’s against the law to feed in the area of another vampire but he felt like eating Triforce tonight and makes eyes at Richard.
  • They say that Richard wants to fuck JC and this MAKES RICHARD MAD.
  • Yvette and Warrick then come in.
  • Yvette is wearing a really bad dress that is a bit like a dirndl yet is described as cutting edge fashion.
  • Liv is also here and is all unhappy and stuff and is made to wear a dress and is all scared and stuff and whatever, no one cares.
  • Asher comes in and is all beautiful and wearing basically nothing to rub his scars in everyone’s face.
  • He strokes his neck and this makes Anita gasp.
  • Now, as the Vampire Council aren’t allowed to rape or torture anyone, so this means that Asher must now rape Anita and feed on her.
  • …..
  • sigh
  • more rape
  • just what this book needed
  • then the wereleopards come in and they’re being forced to be animals so now anita has to let asher rape her for the sake of the wereleopards
  • please, won’t someone think of the wereleopards
  • JC’s solution is for Anita to seduce the rape away
  • she must seduce asher and this will freak him out so much that the rape will just be mildly unpleasant or something
  • JC, you are the world’s worst slime creature
  • This result in Anita calling richard an ass and accusing him of ruining her life in public
  • he is not the one ruining your life here, my dear.


Pic spam makes us all feel better.

7 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter forty nine

  1. Thomas Gibson is the actor who plays Aaron Hotchner on Criminal Minds, and Gideon is a co-worker in the early seasons. I am now imagining them trying to profile Anita, deciding that she is a narcissistic, sociopathic serial killer and arresting her. Padma is actually working for the FBI, because they realised that once Anita saw he wasn’t white, she could ignore him. He wears stupid costume clothes because that was what he had in his wardrobe from his last fancy dress party. This makes about as much sense as the rest of this book.

  2. Last chapter got me angry about how Anita constantly flails about and only “solves” these “mysteries” by authorial intervention. Then this chapter reminded me of why that always happens: Anita is dumber than a sack of hammers.

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