A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter forty six


What more delights can the basement of horrors have for us today? Hopefully something that merits more triple rainbows. As more dribbles of news about Sherlock season three land on my newsfeeds, I’m getting obsessed with the show again and wish to use more gifs. More gifs I say!

Anita has magically gotten to the bottom of the stairs without walking. The basement is full of water, as the water used to douse the fire ran down inside the building and filled the cellar. That is a thing that does happen, so LKH did some research. Coffins float around, but there are four missing. This makes Anita hyperventilate, so she has to be coached into breathing slower.

“Be careful down there,” [Fulton] said.

“Like a virgin on her wedding night,” I whispered.

I hate it when Anita tries to be funny. It annoys me that she flies a mile above the idea of humour.

Anita panics, and slips on the last step. She lands in the water, which goes up to her chin as she’s so short, and sulks. She sits there in the water until Wren comes down the stairs and helps her. He asks whether her gun will work, so Anita is snitty with him and he walks off.

I like Wren.

Anita sits in the water some more, thinking about guns, and then swims off. She swims in the basement. Of course she does. She then thinks about the missing two coffins – four on the last page – and refuses to get out the water.

“I’ve got some debris over here,” I said.

“You sound like a real fireman,” Wren said.

She said ‘debris’. That’s not remarkable at all.

It turns out to be a can, and not a coffin, so a coffin floats over to Anita. A big deal is made of all the team coming to the coffin so Anita can pull out her shotgun, ready for when they open it. So, not giving the vampire inside any chance then? They’re getting their head blown off for the crime of having a fanatic burning down their home.

It takes a full page to organise everyone to suit Anita needs. She accuses Wren of moving around to suit his ego. There’s a lot of crap about everyone talking about crosses which manages to hide that the vampire in the coffin is dead – no, actually he’s in his day sleep. LKH’s messy prose strikes again. The body is shoved in a bag and sent upstairs. They move onto the next coffin and Reynolds fucks up opening it up by pushing the lid off. The vampire in the coffin is over six foot, which means that none of the body bags will fit him. Obviously, vampires are much taller than us regular folk.

Wren struggles to get the vampire in the body bag, while Anita screams at him for being in her eyeline. His punishment is having the vampire wake up and rip through Wren’s suit. Reynolds shoots it, but the vampire is actually a revenant for no real reason and doesn’t die. Luckily, Anita solves the problem by firing a shotgun in a confined space and making the head explode. Then a vampire swims through the water and it suddenly turns into Jaws. Everyone has to get out of the water, and the female fire inspector is grabbed. The vampire completely rips through her suit and everyone rushes to save her. Anita, the vampire hunter, does nothing to help the situation but scream at everyone.

She finally fires her shotgun blindly and hits a vampire with luck. Reynolds hits it too, firing through the head. She tries to load more ammo, but the vampire rises out of the water and drags her underneath. Anita’s response is to take off her protective suit – because breathing is for losers now – and dives into the water.

You are in a basement. In shallow water. And you dived into the water. And didn’t slam into the floor. How does that work?

Anita stabs the vampire who grabbed Reynolds and spends a page killing it. I notice she doesn’t think about Reynolds once or whether the woman can breathe underwater. Anita is hit, so decides to fall unconscious and collapse in the water. Oh no she may drown what are we going to do

Why does Anita fall unconscious in every single book? It never goes anywhere and just leads to boring dream sequences.

The vampire drags Anita out of the water just long enough for Anita to shoot it in a suitably dramatic way before she falls into florid unconsciousness in the water.

Sixty pages left. Let’s see if anything interesting or plot related manages to happen.

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5 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter forty six

  1. More Sherlock gifs. Maybe just an entire page full of them instead of a review and a single sentence: “Sherlock does not approve of this shit.”

    yes.

    One can only imagine, in a sane universe, how people with common sense and knowledge about a group of supernaturals might have actually gone about rescuing the vampires out of their coffins without a problem. Even to just have a damn cross (or whatever they believe in) on hand to stop the poor bastard from attacking, then a nice shot of vampy knockout juice so they can get up out.

    Instead, we have Anita shooting them. If I were those dead vampires she keeps merrily knocking off, I would so haunt her. Just because that’s shitty. (I don’t even recall if she had a *right* to execute. Did she?)

    • She had a right to execute because…. Shut up.

      I don’t understand why they couldn’t have secured the building and used silver chains to prevent the vampires rising. Again, these are notes from the universe where people think out procedures and don’t send in crazy women who swim around in shallow water.

      • I think I vaguely recall they were worried that the vampires in their coffins could drown, yes? So that’s why they were trying to get them out. But even at that, it doesn’t make sense to me.

  2. Considering that professional swimmers dive into pools of water that are only about 3.5-4 ft deep, it’s completely plausible to dive into the basement water. Not that Anita has the training to shallow dive. It took a while for me to get the hang of it when I was on a swim team and even then i was in a lighted pool with goggles, so I could make sure not to aim for the floor.

    I don’t know why I’m applying logic to this.

  3. I don’t understand why they couldn’t get a crane or something and lift the coffins if they were so worried about the sun.

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