A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter thirty eight


Anita is screaming, because when an evil spirit of a wicked slut is possessing you, you scream a lot. Stephen presses his naked body against her back as this is a guaranteed way to make women stop screaming.

Well, it turns out half way down the page that his hands were over her mouth. Even though Anita was actually screaming and Stephen’s hands were on hers. Whatever.

Nathaniel is bright, shiny, and healthy now his open wound has been licked. The human mouth is such an anti-sceptic place after all. You see, animals can lick their wounds because their mouths have evolved to have bacteria and germ fighting properties. Humans do not really have that ability.

Anita is stuck with embarrassment for almost going down on him, although she didn’t, and is ashamed at ‘how closed I’d come to doing him’. Sweetheart, you jumped on him and rode him all the way to orgasm station. You had sex. Blaming the spirit of Raina, or trying to claim technicalities, does not erase the fact that your author decided to take away one of your defining traits; that you had made a decision to date JC exclusively, and that you considered yourself relatively chaste. But no, your author is starting to become obsessed with ‘erotica’, and now you are going to be an erotic heroine. Whether you like it or not.

The shapeshifters have a circle of POWER around them, or something, and Anita both smells like ‘pack’ and Raina.

I knew that if I allowed it, we could sleep in one big communal heap like a litter of puppies, that touching was part of what kept the pack together, like the mutual grooming that primates do. Touching, comforting, it didn’t have to be sexual. That had been Raina’s choice. They were wolves but they were also people and that made them primates. Two animals really, not just one.

That first sentence is appalling. And I am a purveyor of run-on sentences. And, um, well done Anita for acknowledging that shapeshifters are people, and that humans like to touch each other for emotional comfort and affirmation. It’s not like hugging and hand-holding are exclusive to shapeshifters.

The wolves all rub themselves on Anita, which is far more feline than canine, and they all declare that dead werewolves are able to send their dead spirits into people. Well, only other werewolves. But Anita gets to be possessed by Raina’s ghost because she is so super-special that the laws of her universe are bent into insane shapes to make her happy.

Well, maybe. Just by doing this blood ritual which didn’t involve any real blood they may have accidentally summoned up Raina’s spirit. Or something. No one fucking knows.

Nathaniel tries to join in on the werewolf cuddle pile, but Anita opens her mouth and the eerie scream of an elder god erupts from her lips at his impudent presumption that, after having sex, she may want to touch him. So, to get back in her good graces, he rolls on the floor like a cat. A domestic house cat. Anita wants to tickle his stomach.

Do you know what leopards aren’t?

HOUSE CATS.

Anita orders everyone to go to her house, and Nathaniel offers up his own life to her. He says that she may openly and freely kill him, which is a very stupid thing to say to such a trigger happy woman.

Anita, to her credit, tries to have a public discussion where she says that everyone has the right to question her authority and decisions. But no, everyone rejects autonomy immediately, declaring that all their wills and opinions matter for nought and she has ultimate authority.

And Nathaniel says he’ll be waiting in her bed.

Somehow, they all get past the police with no questions, and get Stephen and Nathaniel checked out of hospital with no questions, and drive all the way back to Anita’s palatial mansion. She then decides to go all the way back to St. Louis and FINALLY go to the Church of Eternal Life and rescue Malcolm from the fire.

Yeah, whatever. I’m predicting crispy fried vampire.

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5 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter thirty eight

  1. The only thing that makes sense of these constant non-animal behaviours the weres exhibit is that it’s that the first few humans who changed acted like this. And then, somehow, it became a trait that passed down through the curse/DNA/whateverthefuck, and so we have people who act oddly who decided it wasn’t their humanity making them want to do stupid shit, it was the animal. So, instead of just saying, “yeah, I’m a shifter and I like cuddling,” it’s “yeah, I’m a shifter and all shifters like to cuddle.”

  2. Anita, I’d be more willing to buy you’re “I don’t want to be a dictator” spiel if your author didn’t feel the need to A) make just about all the “good guys” utterly incompetent, and B) vilify anyone who so much as disagrees with you. Or talks back to you. Like the waiter at that nice restaurant that you snapped at for questioning how you wanted your damn steak cooked. And I just know you gave him a crappy tip on top of everything else.

      • I can’t remember them visiting any restaurant aside from the Lunatic Cafe more than once. I’m pretty sure after the Anita Experience most places have them on the ‘DO NOT SERVE’ list. This also explains why she has no hobbies. Can’t go to the movies, they won’t let her and her boyfriends in. Can’t go paint balling because she keeps shooting people in the head. Can’t mini golf due to shooting the obstacles. And so on and so forth.

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