A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter thirty six


Anita waltzes into the crime scene, idly observing the chaos. I guess that since she was supposed to go and help the Church of Eternal Life and stop the fire, she’s walked randomly into some other crime scene without LKH saying where she is. All I know is that there is a crying werewolf called Lorraine, and Anita describes her by insulting her outfit. Lorraine is watched over by two officers, one of whom has angered the Great and Powerful Anita Blake.

One of the uniforms had his hand sort of casually resting on the butt of his gun. The strap that held the gun in the holster was already unsnapped. It pissed me off.

Yeah, well, you can’t do anything Anita. You’re not his superior officer. You are a civilian.

“Better snap up the weapon there, Officer, before someone takes it away from you.”

He blinked pale eyes at me. “Ma’am?”

“Use your holster the way it’s meant to be used or get away from these people.”

You’re not a police officer Anita. You are not allowed to correct him or order him around.

Detective Padgett turns up and asks whether she’s a detective. Anita is forced to admit that she isn’t, but Padgett doesn’t care that she was talking shit and shakes her hand. Anita can tell from a touch that he’s psychic. Padgett explains where we are and what’s going on, but we are only told he does this. We are not actually told why Anita, who was heading to the FIRE at the Church of Eternal Life, is now in a random location. Lorraine cracked the skull of the man who arrived to kill werewolves in this random location.

She probably thought she was going to jail. I couldn’t promise she wouldn’t be. If she’d been a human female that had just saved a policeman’s life by inadvertently killing a bad guy, she wouldn’t go to jail, not today. But she wasn’t human –

YES SHE IS. SHE IS HUMAN WHEN SHE IS NOT A WOLF.

– and the law isn’t even-handed, or blind, no matter what we’d like to believe.

Stop forcing this racism metaphor on me. It does not work.

Anita asks why the suspect in a manslaughter case is in handcuffs, because she is that stupid.

“She’s a lycanthrope,” he said smiling, as if that explained it all.

“She tell you that?” I asked.

He looked startled. “No.”

“You assumed she was a shapeshifter because why?” (Your dialogue is terrible, LKH. That is terribly stilted)

“She threw a man into a wall hard enough to crack his skill.”

“Little old ladies lift cars off their grandchildren. Does that make them lycanthropes?”

  • That happens in very rare, very exceptional circumstances.
  • In a world where shapeshifters are in the open and known about, it’s a safe assumption that the person in the room displaying superhuman abilities is probably a shapeshifter.
  • I think this is the incident in the hospital. Which means this is taking place on the shapeshifter ward.
  • You are working towards a Darwin Award Anita.

“Why don’t you like lycanthropes, Padgett?”

“They give me the creeps, okay.”

I had an idea. “Literally?” I asked.

“What do you mean, literally?”

Yes, what does ‘literally feeling the creeps’ mean? Apparently, it means getting goosebumps and having your hair stand on end. This is a Sign that Padgett is feeling their auras. I guess that means I’m sensing auras when I get freaked out, or listen to Edith Piaf.

Anita and Padgett have a conversation about auras which goes nowhere, other than revealing LKH doesn’t know what ‘creepier’ means, and that Anita still doesn’t understand that suspects are put in handcuffs.

Anita makes a argument that ‘it’s bad to arrest violent suspects’ so Padgett is immediately convinced to let Lorraine go. Look, I think Lorraine was justified in what she did, but she has to go to trial to be proved innocent. That’s how the law works. The law should not be bent to Anita’s whims.

Lorraine is freed, so flings herself at Anita’s legs so she can begin worshipping her appropriately. Her werewolf companion, Teddy, stands up so Anita orders all the policemen to point their guns at him.

Yes. This makes sense.

Lorraine is really balling now so Anita decrees that she will take Teddy and Lorraine into Stephen and Nathaniel’s room. Anita accuses all the officers of being trigger happy – YOU JUST ORDERED THEM TO THREATEN THE LIFE OF TEDDY FOR NO REASON – and goes inside the room.

Stephen and Nathaniel are healed and looking pretty now. Nathaniel in particular has knee length auburn hair and lilac eyes. And Anita really loves how he looks sixteen.

This book makes me feel bad.

Anita sends every police officer out – BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH – so she can talk to Nathaniel alone. He licks her hands and complains that she won’t feed them. Feed him how?

Oh. They have to feed on her blood. Because of course leopards do that.

Nathaniel, it would appear, was ‘saved’ by Gabriel. He was a heroin addict and ‘street whore’ when Gabriel rescued him. Why are you trying to make me like Gabriel, LKH? That was the guy who liked RAPING WOMEN AND KILLING THEM DURING THE ACT. HE IS NOT A GOOD AND NOBLE GUY. HE WAS A DESPICABLE MONSTER.

Anita asks who Nathaniel was pimped too, but he doesn’t know. The only thing he remembers is that they smelt like gardenias. Anita promises to look after him and then we learn more about dearly departed Raina.

Raina, you see, could cure people through sexual energy. Because she was a massive slut, of course.

This book makes me so sad and angry. Sadgry.

They then talk for two whole pages about Raina’s magical sex power. It is decided that Anita could heal people by touching them and I want to tear my hair out. It is also decided that Anita is going to get the werewolves and the wereleopard away from the evil bigot Padgett to stop him from killing them or something.

So I guess the arson plot is on the backburner yet again.

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3 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter thirty six

  1. Anita seems like she would say ‘why would you arrest the vampire who asleep and covered with blood, lying next to the dead body who was drained of blood with puncture wounds in his neck?’ Everyone would then admit that the vampire was obviously framed, and the random blonde woman Anita shot because she reminded her of Judith would turn out to be the real killer.

    If this were the real world (I haven’t done this in a while) Anita would be reprimanded for overstepping her bounds with regard to the officer’s holster. She would then be told that a person who has assaulted and seriously injured someone, even if it was apparently in self-defense, must be arrested, and that the police are following standard procedure with regard to arresting known or suspected therianthropes. None of the police would have listened to her when she told them to point their guns at Teddy. None of the police would be willing to take part in a discussion about ‘creepiness’ with a suspect in a violent assault case present, as it is incredibly unprofessional.

    As a civilian, she would not be allowed into the hospital room of two people who are unrelated to her, especially as if one of the therianthropes was distressed by her presence and attacked her the hospital may be liable. (Medication, especially stuff presumably strong enough to knock out a therianthrope, would probably have side effects, and one of the side effects of regular anesthetics is lack of emotion control.)

  2. We have officially hit the point I have run out of things to say about this series. Each new stream of madness just produces a resounding “Eeeeeeeeeh.” It is an endless stream of equally mixed venom and stupidity written by a woman I can only describe as Raw Evil, and there are no words.

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