A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter twenty nine


I was talking about the council yesterday and how, despite this book being described as being about a spate of arson attacks, is really about Anita rejecting authority. And it got me thinking how vampire councils are all evil and yet, they are not bad. They are only bad because they try to enforce laws that get in the way of our designated main characters. We are told ERMMAGED VAMPIRES ARE BAD APART FROM THIS SEXY ONE BREAKING THE RULES AND THAT IS GOOD BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE and I can’t have a reaction to law makers being bad when they’re not.

I think the only leading group of vampires who are unashamedly bad and evil and should be feared are the Old Ones from Being Human (which you should be watching, if you haven’t seen it already).

But the thing is…. they don’t make laws. They’re not in control of the world’s vampires. They’re just the ultimate ultimates, if you get what I’m trying to say. They are the nobility of the vampire world. I mean, sure, they want to take over the world because of course they do, but they are not there to impose a rigid authority on other vampires. They just want to pull the world apart like a child with flies because it’s fun. I prefer them as villains to the Grand High Council as they do not give a spit about some vampire in the middle of America breaking rules. And because of Hetty.

Hetty smokes and likes to draw ponies and shit. I love Hetty.

So

onwards

Anita and her gang come into the freakishly aimed for children Circus and there are two big guys in there. They have yellow eyes.

His eyes were yellow – not amber, not brown – yellow with orange spikes radiating from the pupil like a pinwheel of colour. They were not human eyes, no way, nohow.

If it hadn’t have been for the eyes, I wouldn’t have recognized him as a lycanthrope, but the eyes gave it away. I’d seen pictures of tiger’s with eyes like that.

Why would a shapeshifter not have human eyes? It doesn’t make any sense that their eyes would remain feline. Cat’s eyes and human eyes are completely different. They serve different functions (well, aside from, like, seeing) and have evolved to suit different lifestyles. Humans and big cats live and hunt in different ways. Having cat’s eyes would not be useful as a human.

If they are tigers, then they are not LYCANthropes. They would be tigristhropes.

And, yeah, that description.

I don’t call that a pinwheel of yellow.

The two men, who I am presuming are tigers, are British.

“I am Captain Thomas Carswell. You must be Richard Zeeman.” His voice was British and upper-crust, but not too upper-crust.

For a start, of course he’s a captain and a brit. of course.

Secondly, ‘upper-crust, but not too upper-crust’? What the fuck does that mean?

Anita asks where Vivian and Gregory are, so the tigers ask for her gun. Anita tries to refuse, but they say she has a reputation for murder so they have to insist. She actually gives in, hands her gun over, and Carswell offers her his arm.

Because he’s BRITISH.

Carswell is being all ‘this can be all saved by politeness and being considerate’ so Anita swings round her machine gun from her back and screams for everyone to be calm.

Gideon, The Other Tiger, points out that they were apparently going to just hand them over and there is no need for crazy machine gun wielding. Anita says her bezzer Thomas only wanted to know what was on her back, so that justifies pulling out a machine gun and screaming at people.

Does anyone else think this takes place in the world of Scarface?

Carswell says that she can’t go inside the tent (what tent?) with a gun, and Richard begs Anita to be reasonable, which is like pouring petrol on a bonfire.

Actually, Anita pulls off her coat and reveals her other weapons. Well, she demands Carswell does the same, as she thinks everyone else is as hyper-paranoid as she is. Carswell is carrying no weapons.

I slid one of the knives out of its sheath and handed it to him hilt-first.

He waved it away. “You may keep your knives, Miss Blake. They will only be protection if someone gets very close, very personal. I think a lady should be allowed to defend her honour.”

what

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I HAVE NEVER MET A SINGLE BRITISH GUY WHO EVER SPOKE LIKE THIS

DOES LKH THINK WE ALL GO AROUND ON PENNY FARTHINGS AND SHIT?

TALKING ABOUT HONOUR AND CRAP?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA WHAT BULLSHIT

oh and Anita cops to her other gun and because she IS STILL IN THAT FUCKING DRESS she has to make a big deal about ‘oh, i am going to flash everyone’ so Carswell says he will work to defend her modesty and Anita pulls the gun out and complains about the fuss and i am going insane.

I knew already that Carswell was someone’s human servant. He was the genuine article, a British soldier of Queen Victoria’s army.

So Carswell is from the nineteenth century. That doesn’t explain why he still acts as if it is the height of the British empire. Why does he act like a Victorian gentleman? It makes no sense. He’s lived over a hundred years – he would be different. The world has changed. In order to survive, he would have to change and adapt. He can’t be a solitary, singular moment in time, otherwise he cannot last in the ever-changing world.

Anyway, Carswell has been delaying Anita from whatever is happening in the tent but she bursts in because she wants to come in like a wrecking ball.

Anita rushes in and SHOCK HORROR Gregory and Vivian have had their legs broken to get away! You know, that thing Cherry said had already happened, so we and Anita knew that already, and it is not a shock at all.

BUT IT IS BECAUSE NOW IT’S ANITA SAYING IT AND NOT THAT WHORE CHERRY, AMMIRITE

Oh, and Fernando is just doing up his trousers from raping Vivian. That is just what this book needs. More rape. He says she was a bit submissive for him, and that he likes his victims to fight back.

“C’t’une bonne bourre.”

I knew enough French to know he’d said Sylvie was a good lay.

Well, he said – from what I can work out – was ‘waste/time good fuck’. I can’t find a direct translation of ‘c’t’une’ or why he MUST SPEAK FRENCH RANDOMLY.

Richard leaps on Fernando to kill him. Jamil tries to help, but gets his throat crushed for his trouble. I hope this doesn’t turn into Dead Bro Walking here. Richard carries on fighting Fernando, as Jamil seems to stop breathing, and Carswell advises Anita to use triforce powers to calm Richard down. Anita panics for a page about how she just can’t do it, so Carswell has to show her how to do this thing and oh god it’s so boring. I mean, it’s meant to be sort of primal and sensual, but it just goes on and on and on and on and nothing really happens. There’s POWER everywhere, and it goes nowhere. Richard says how it’s all so evil, and Anita says it’s goodness, so…

they start sticking their tongues down each other’s throats and groping each other in the middle of the room and crackle with power and I think Anita has an orgasm from it all.

Richard’s hands slid up my legs finding the lace top of the black panties. His fingers traced my naked spine and I was undone.

I mean, it sounds like it, doesn’t it?

And why does EVERYONE stop to just stand around and watch this? I mean, Vivian has just been brutally raped and has to deal with watching two people supposedly here to save her just collapse on the floor and make out. And Fernando was just in a fight to the death. Why isn’t he trying to kill them? And, oh yeah, Jamil is just dying. And Richard and Anita continue to writhe around on the floor.

This is crap. The action has just completely stopped.

After the orgasm, Richard has ‘control of his beast’ and sends it into Jamil. Because, yeah, he can do that. For some reason. This heals him, but Richard and Anita are more concerned with stroking each other’s faces and sighing.

Gideon points out that Richard has slashed open his arm and that could they stop.

“Is this just European reserve,” I asked, “or are Richard and I doing something wrong?”

Yeah, ‘european reserve’. Because we don’t think make outs and mutual orgasms are the response to stopping A VIOLENT RAPIST.

But no, Gideon and Thomas rush to praise Anita for saving everything and being generally wonderful. They can now save Vivian and Gregory, so Vivian is abandoned while everyone crowds around Gregory and his broken legs. Anita calls his naked body ‘piteous’ and says that he’s a person and deserves to be treated well!

Excuse me while I vomit from the hypocrisy.

anyway they have to break and reset gregory’s legs because bullshit shapeshifter medicine

Vivian spoke for the first time. “Is he dead?” Her voice was breathy, husky, somewhere between that of a little girl and a seductress. She would be great on the phone.

Um

  • could you not talk about how women being like little girls are sexy
  • can you not talk about THE RAPE VICTIM being MASSIVELY SEXY just after SHE HAS BEEN RAPED and is asking IF HER RAPIST IS DEAD

Fernando is hurt, although I had no idea. He was injured at some point in the wad of pages talking about Richard’s beast. He’s alive and Thomas goes on about how a son and heir is a big deal because Victorian. He gives Anita her guns back and she decides not to shoot Fernando for reasons of honour. Everyone then goes outside.

The thought of Gregory’s lovely body deliberately crippled forever, and Vivian passed around like so much meat, made me glad we’d bargained.

what

because the bargain did so much good????

Jean-Claude had said no rape, no actual intercourse, no maiming, no skinning alive.

What

what are you trying to say? That JC did such a good job and you came out of there unhurt? I’m sorry, but Gregory got his legs broken and Vivian was raped! How was any of this good? Why are you ‘glad’ Anita? Because you got to writhe around on the floor with Richard and had an orgasm?

You are a selfish c*nt. There are no other words. I am just… speechless. I can’t think of anything but obscenities and how much it annoys me that this is presented as empowering and good.

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter twenty nine

  1. Google Translate gives ‘C’t’une bonne bourre’ as ‘It makes a good stuffing’, which made me laugh. I think ‘c’t’une’ might be a contraction of ‘c’etait une’ (it was a), but my French is veeery rusty.
    Also, why is there so much rape in this one? I know the other ones were bad too, but in this one it seems every chapter has someone being raped or having been raped or threatening to rape someone. Ugh.

    • It becomes stuffing when you add a accent to the last ‘e’. I was looking at song translations, as it was all searching for ‘c’t’une’ brought me to, and I couldn’t tell what it meant.

      Rape rape rape. Villains like to rape. That is all villains like.

  2. We find out later that if a therian spends too long in animal form, parts of them can get stuck like that permanently, starting with the eyes. The fact that it starts with the eyes is probably to explain why we’ve only ever seen this with eyes on-screen, we never see anyone with permanently animal paws or something, because that wouldn’t be sexy, unlike LKH’s obsession with unusual eye colors. The exception to this is the pureblood/born weretigers, who all have eyes that match those of their tiger form from birth (though Gideon, we later find out, is an infected weretiger, not born, so with him it’s the too-much-animal-form case). And yeah, she doesn’t seem to know what the eyes of animals actually look like.

    ” She would be great on the phone.” SAID RIGHT AFTER SHE WAS RAPED, HOLY SHIT. HOOOLY SHIT.

    • I preferred it in Discworld, where if werewolves stayed in their animal form too long they just became more animalistic in their manners and behaviours. It was something much more subtle and more believable. I can’t believe people weren’t aware of shapeshifters if there were people walking around with cat’s eyes.

      Yeah. Let’s talk about how ~*sexy*~ the rape victim is. While she’s still in the room where she was raped. Looking at the injured body of the rapist. This is a really unpleasant book.

      • ” I can’t believe people weren’t aware of shapeshifters if there were people walking around with cat’s eyes.”

        Oh, people are very much aware of shifters and always has been in the Anitaverse. It’s also made a point of that many shifters who have this condition may try to hide their eyes with sunglasses or contacts, as they can be recognized by this.

      • But if people have always been aware of shapshifters, then why haven’t they had a big impact on society and culture? And why are they universally despised, if humanity has always known they were there?

        Oh the world building is so so bad

    • This, times two. This world could be so *interesting,* if only LKH bothered to detail it more past random shit just thrown in.

      • The difference it would make to history, culture and society, to have shapeshifters known about by humanity… the possibilities are endless, but LKH can’t think past glorifying her self-insert.

  3. I… I like to say something lighthearted, to lighten the mood after Anita creates pure horror, but… but…

    God, she makes it so hard to be anything but angry when the chapter is like this.

  4. the really degrading word in French for pussy is “con” so I am not sure why he didn’t just say something shitty along those lines instead of that mangled phrase he used instead.

    also if an author is incapable of treating rape victims with respect, they should leave rape out of their books entirely. later we get to be told how Viv acts traumatized and how Anita would never act that way because Anita isn’t weak. Yeah. I find the victim blaming in these books atrocious. Especially since LKH constantly posts the shallowest of essays about how women should love their bodies and how no one has a right to ignore you when you say no.

  5. I really hate how Anita acts as though the rules never apply to her. I also hate her prejudice and love of stereotyping everyone. I also find all of her screaming to be damned annoying.

    She loves blaming the victims for being weak and drawing all of their trauma to them. In short Anita is a wart on the nose of humanity.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s