A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter eighteen

“My how terribly impressive.”

Commas are your friend.

Yvette was stalking down the hallway towards us. She’d lost the mink stole, and the white dress was very simple, very elegant, very Chanel. The rest of the scene was pure Marquis de Sade.

What? Was an evil mother punished for her crimes by being raped by a man with syphilis and having her orifices sewn up? Or has LKH never actually read any of Sade’s work and is using it as a cheap means of saying ‘BONDAGE STUFF’?

Jason, werewolf, flunky, sometimes voluntary appetizer to the undead, was with her. He was dressed in a cross between black leather pants and skin-tight chaps. Bare skin showed at the thighs, and what looked like a leather thong covered his groin. Around his neck was a metal-studded dog collar with a leash attached to it. Yvette was holding the leash. Fresh bruises marched down his face, neck, arms. There were cuts on his lower chest and stomach that looked like claw marks. His hands were bound behind his back, arms pulled so tight to his body that that alone had to hurt.

Yvette stopped about eight feet from us, posing. She shoved Jason hard enough in the back for him to let out a small sound, forcing him to his knees. She drew the leash tight so he was almost hanging.

Sorry, was this supposed to be the ‘totally Marquis de Sade’ stuff? Because, just no. Have you bothered to even glance at a synopsis of any of his works?

Jason is Yvette’s present while the council is in town. Jason says he’s cool, but Yvette pulls the leash tighter so he can’t talk. Which he might have agreed to before they arrived in the corridor. This might be entirely consensual – we just don’t know yet.

JC whinges about how Yvette is playing with his toys, but she hasn’t hurt him and she’s already ‘had’ him. Even though it’s been established that she’ll only have sex with zombies. But whatever, we’ve got to make Yvette EEEEEVVVVILLLLLL. She’s going to ‘torment’ Jason in front of JC and he’ll be powerless to stop her.

Yvette and Warwick have a conversation that takes a few reads to understand – she’s not cross about Damian dying, but she’s cross that Warrick wouldn’t have guarded JC and Anita properly because he might have been called to fight Yvette. I don’t understand why she’s so cross about this, but she’s going to punish Warrick for… being an inefficient guard.

Yvette makes Warwick’s eyes rot in his skull. Warrick then vomits his own rotten internal organs onto the floor.

We all began to move back from the widening pool. Didn’t want to step in it. It wouldn’t do us any harm, but even the other vampires stepped back from it.

It’s almost like they just don’t want to step in organ goo. You don’t need to tell me the whys and hows for every little thing!

Yvette then boasts about her own abilities. She makes herself rotten and begins stroking Jason. He’s not on board with this, especially after being molested by two rotting vampires back in Bloody Bones. She laughs evilly about how she hopes to destroy his mind before the night is out. After all, the Circus of the Damned has been conquered!

…. no, it hasn’t. The Queen of Nightmares is checking on the condition of vampires in America, with the Vampire Council. How many times will I have to repeat that before the book is finished?

JC says that Jason is his toy to break, so Yvette can’t have him. Yvette says that JC was her toy, so, um yeah she can. They have a POWER battle and JC absorbs her oh-so-impressive-but-not-cause-what-does-rotting-accomplish rotting power. She may be beaten, but they have to defeat Padma and the Traveler yet, and they’re so conquered.

Apart from the fact that THEY ARE NOT.


5 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter eighteen

  1. I have to admit, I give LKH points for remembering that Jason was molested by rotting vamps and would be more distressed by a rotting vamp than other people would. She’s still in negative points because of the stupidity of the rest of the chapter, but credit where it’s due.

    Also, causing your minions to rot from the inside out is what I would expect from a vampire master. I got the impression that harsh punishments were fairly typical. Willie thought that JC would use zombies to punish him if he knew that he was afraid of them. It makes JC seem very weak to me that we never see him punishing his minions aside from slapping Jason around. Just personal taste, but if you’re going to tell me a guy is a super powerful monster with non-human morality, I need to see it!

  2. I’m still confused as to what these first 18 chapters are going to have to do with the rest of the book. Do we even have a plot yet?

  3. Well, given how cartoonishly malicious 99% of vampires are for absolutely no reason, I guess we can assume that breaking into someone’s house and torturing all his buddies really might just be how they run an inspection. It’s not like ‘efficiency’ is high on the list of vampire watchwords, at least not in comparison to ‘pointless sadism’ and ‘dressing like a porn star from a fetish video’.

    Though it just brings up the question that has plagued the series since the start: How could anyone think that giving these things equal rights was a good plan?

    • It’s seems like becoming a Twilight vampire means you are wiped of all intelligent thought, and becoming a LKH vampire means an immediate fetish for bad 80s stripper clothes and pointless violence. And being wiped of all intelligent though. Wow, Twilight vampires actually come out on top. Scary.

      At least the idiocy and complete lack of efficiency is a decent answer as to why vampires don’t rule the world. As powerful as they are meant to be, and given that they can enslave humans and therianthropes to overcome their weaknesses such as sunlight, they should be the almighty rulers of everything.

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