A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter six

Dolph has arrived. Huzzah.

Dolph is six foot eight, built like a pro-wrestler, and it isn’t just physical size that makes him impressive.

Why are you writing in the present tense? Why have you changed tenses? And why are you making him sound like Hulk Hogan?

(new headcannon: Dolph IS Hulk Hogan. Brother.)

He’d taken a squad that had been meant as a joke to appease the liberals –

So the American government were happy to let vampires run around killing people? Then why did they create Vampire Executioners?

– and made it work. RPIT had solved more preternatural crimes in the last three years than any other police unit. Including the FBI.

The FBI are not a police unit. And isn’t RPIT the unit that deals with preternatural crimes specifically? That’s like complaining that the drug squad don’t stop enough insurance fraud cases – different units specialise in different types of crime. That is a pretty basic fact about the police.

Dolph had even been given invited to lecture at Quantico. Not bad for someone who’d been given his command as a punishment.

Nope, not buying that crap.

‘Dolph, you’re corrupt and incompetent. Here, take this brand new specialist squad and run it!’

‘Okay, brother.’

Dolph comes in and is maybe a bit peeved at Anita pretending she was a cop – which is a crime – but doesn’t actually have the ovaries to say anything. Anita is proud of herself as she didn’t pull a gun on him.

Dolph asks her what’s going on, and Anita tells him everything.

The cops are pretty good at stopping crime, if you tell the truth.

… was that meant to be sarcastic? I can’t tell. When I get to stupid lines like that, they are always presented entirely straight and I can’t tell if they are supposed to be jokes or Anita’s ‘words of wisdom’.

Anita then rambles on about how a shapeshifter’s pack position has an effect upon their healing ability. Say what? When has that ever been true before? She is then sad that Dolph doesn’t trust her any more, not when she’s dating JC. I thought it was because you were a murderous, lying, two-faced bitch, but no, your love life makes you a bad person to be around. The sadness is cut off when she thinks of her date with JC that night and gets immediately turned on.

I have known goldfish with longer attention spans.

The werewolves then show up at the hospital, and there’s some hoo-ha as they claim they’re family but they’re not. Anita says pack members are closer than family, and Dolph is all ‘tough titties, it’s not legal family’ but the point is moot as if Anita is allowed to be there, the other werewolves are too.

“How many of your men you want to loose when the next shapeshifter comes through the door?”

“We can shoot them just as good as you can, Anita.”

“But you still have to give them a warning before you shoot them, don’t you? You still have to treat them like people instead of monsters or you end up in front of the review board.”

“Witnesses say you gave Zane, no last name, a warning.”

“I was feeling generous.”

You taunted a man about shooting him in the head. That is not a warning.

Anita and Dolph then stare at each other for a while, being all serious and dramatic.

Maybe it was the fact that Dolph was the ultimate cop and he was beginning to suspect that I was killing people, murdering people.

He knows you kill people. Like in the last book. When you murdered two hit people. Yeah.

Dolph then senses the Great and Powerful Anita Blake is upset with him, so he worships her by saying how amazing she is and how she is better than any cop ever. He appeases the Great and Powerful Anita Blake, who says that she has never been normal and appreciates his compliments.

Dolph confirms that Stephen would have died if he had been human, repeating something that was said A LOT in the last chapter, and did not need repeating. Zane is in custody and Anita thinks he should be let out on bail.

… Anita, you tried to murder him. Why are you suddenly on Zane’s side? She says it’s just assault and battery, so it wasn’t serious.

He through Stephen through a meshed window and turned him into human mince. That’s attempted murder. Zane would be held on remand.

Three werewolves come in at this point to guard Stephen and Nathaniel. There’s three of them and predictable, the only woman is described as nervous, prim, and being ‘like a scared rabbit’. When she talks, she is ‘childlike’. Internalised patriarchy – that’s how you can tell it’s a feminist heroine! Lorraine warns Anita that being a lupa is more than being dominant, but Anita brushes her off. She knows best, after all.

The three werewolves give off POWER and Anita goes ‘mmm sexual, I’m so turned on right now’. This allows her to tap into Richard’s POWER and she spouts off some ancient oath or something that is meant to convince the werewolves that they should like her. They get down on their knees, convinced by her apparent sincerity.

I am already fed up of this wereleopard subplot.


2 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Burnt Offerings’ chapter six

  1. The whole dynamics of the therianthropes skeeves me out. If I was attacked by a werewolf and was lucky enough to survive, I would not be happy that I was now apparently allowed to pimped out by the pack leaders and was forced to grovel to a psycho killer because she happened to have been dating the pack leader at one point. Free will is a good thing. If Anita was any kind of decent human being, she would be freaked out that these people are ON THEIR KNEES IN FRONT OF HER! Also, can’t Anita do anything using her own damn POWER other than fuck things up? Why is she always stealing someone elses?

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