A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Killing Dance’ chapter thirty five

Confession time: I went out and bought Van Helsing today on DVD. It was only 75p, so it’s not too bad, but I honestly adore this film. I adore how wonderfully bad it is. Nothing makes me happier than a film that’s fun.

I think the artists for the Anita Blake comic series do too.

Hi Kate Beckinsale.

PS if you ever want to read anything truly funny, read LKH’s review of the movie and how it failed scientifically. Pure gold.

Updates after today will be pushed back until next week – I’m at Papa Smith’s, and he ain’t got no wifi. You will have to find other means to numb your minds.

There would be no backing down for Marcus tonight. He had to die, one way or another.

One way, or another, Richard’s going to find you. He’s going to get you, get you, get you.

JC is going to send them off to war by playing dress up. Richard is led off to presumably be dressed as Little Boy Blue, but Anita gets a dress all of her own.

Oh, I am so thrilled.

Anita is given a big old box by Cassandra, who appears to have had a brain slug attached to her head at some point, judging by how twee and giggly she is now.

The dress appears to be just a pile of leather straps.

“I don’t know how to get into this, even if I was willing to.”

“I’ll get Stephen,” Cassandra said.

“I don’t want to undress in front of Stephen.”

“He’s a stripper,” she said. “He dressed me last night at Danse Macabre, remember.” She patted my hand. “He’ll be a perfect gentleman.”

That’s right. The super empowered vampire hunter is not even allowed to dress herself. And when she says that she is uncomfortable with a bloke watching her undress – a valid discomfort – it is brushed off immediately.

Book, stop making me feel sorry for Anita. I hate her, I don’t want to be upset that everyone around her is forcing her into the vortex of uncomfortable rapey doom.

Anita is made to enjoy being forcibly dressed by a man she barely knows. The dress is described as being a leather bra and leather shorts, two things which do not at all sound like a dress. They sound like a bra and shorts. She’s also packing enough weaponry to arm the Norwegian militia.

Stephen jokes about how JC has been planning this for months and everyone was placing bets on whether she would wear it or not. DUDE. NOT HELPING THE CREEPINESS.

But it’s ok because Cassie and Stephen go on and on about how hawt she is. Each to their own.

Her gang walk through to greet Edward, who is waiting with a leather trenchcoat for her to wear. This is not a practical outfit for fighting. Edward says that as her bodyguard, if she dies everyone will make fun of him. This is a joke. Ha ha.

Richard comes in wearing his special outfit.

He was wearing black leather pants with soft suede boots that were almost a match to my own. His hair had been slicked back, tied off with a black ribbon. His shirt was silk and a vibrant blue, somewhere between turquoise and royal. It looked splendid against his tanned skin.

What is the point of this? I am too tired to get more angry at this BS and to act as if this is anything more than a published adolescent fantasy.

Anita and Richard stoke each other for a bit because they are both TOO DREAMY FOR WORDS.

I am sad. This book makes me sad.


18 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Killing Dance’ chapter thirty five

  1. I think Edward wants her to die. If he was a competent bodyguard he wouldn’t be saying ‘wear the trench coat’. He would be saying ‘go put on some clothes and wear body armor, you moron’. Despite Anita saying she doesn’t want Stephen to help, she never says ‘I want to wear something more practical, we’re going to a fight not a bondage bikini contest’.
    And given that Stephen was sexually abused as a child and then picked up by Raina to star in porn films and JC to be a stripper, I don’t actually blame him so much for not understanding normal social rules when it comes to nudity. Cassie, however, has no excuse.

    • I’m not so fussed about Stephen being comfortable around nudity, it makes sense for him, but the whole ‘bets on this creepy stripper dress and I’m going to put it on you whether you like it or not!’ makes me uncomfortable.

      Edward is a secret sniper. Yes. This pleases me.

      • I choose to believe them placing bets was actually Stephen going ‘she’s a vampire executioner who works with the police, no way would she wear something so stupidly impractical’ and JC going ‘ma petite will wear the outfit, because if she does not, she will not be able to complain about it.’ And then Jason set up a betting pool about whether she would choose being able to bitch about being sexy over being safe.

  2. Oh, Van Helsing. I admit, I tend to shout at the TV when it comes on, but it *is* pretty LOLtastic for utterly ridiculous it is.

    I’ve always found LKH’s idea of what makes a “bad-ass” outfit rather funny, too. It’s always a ton of black leather in odd combinations that sound more like a motorcycle bar fell into a blender. I mean, I do like myself a black leather coat (and I am not eyeballing my current closet of such coats, not at all), but, uh. A leather bra and shorts. *Shorts.* Chafing is not bad-ass.

    • Van Helsing is enjoyably bad in all the ways Anita Blake isn’t. The people who made it knew how ridiculous it is, and just had so much fun making it. I can respect that. I also believe it takes place in Uberwald somewhere.

      Closets of leather coats? I am not guilty of that either.

      Her idea of a bad ass outfit appears to be ‘dominatrix Barbie’. Which is a joke she made in the text so I’m confused as to whether she finds it as silly as we do or totally fetishtastic. Is this all some elaborate joke?

      • Sadly, I’m pretty sure she finds dominatrix Barbie outfits sexy.

        Also, though I am not as fond of Van Helsing as others, I do enjoy Sommers’ Mummy movies (well, the first one, and mostly the second anyway), so I do know the joys of the directors’ mind.

        Plus, the actor that plays Benny/Igor is always hilarious to behold.

  3. I just read the LKH Van Helsing review you recommended.

    I… I had never checked her blog, before. I confess that. I think I was afraid, on some level. And now, I know why. Dear sweet lord the woman is completely, totally, skin-crawlingly evil. Every damn syllable just rolls with smugness, hypocrisy (That crack she made about Ana’s outfit in the film was particularly charming, having come literal minutes after reading her own novel sending Anita to fight werewolves in her underwear), and a certain level of insane disconnect with reality (And I forgot she named her poor kid Trinity. Ugh.). Reading this woman’s unfiltered thoughts is a legitimately disturbing experience, like climbing into an inviting bubble bath and finding a human corpse in the tub with you. I feel like I will never truly be clean again.

    Also, her grammar and spelling are just sad. Come on, woman, you’re a published author. Learn how to use a damn comma.

    • I found her review of van helsing to be just so hypocritical. Just… Eugh.

      I have read the entire blog. I felt I needed to understand why. Just why in general. It only made me hold her published works in greater disdain, if that is possible. The corpse in the bath metaphor is the best and greatest description of peering into her mind.

      • Oh, God. You poor thing. The WHOLE blog, and you’re still reading the books… heaven above, it’s a wonder your brain hasn’t melted out your ears yet from that much concentrated psychosis.

      • I looked into the void. And it looked into me.

        I mostly got upset whenever she mentioned Terry Pratchett. Leave PTerry alone, LKH, don’t drag him into the void.

      • I’ve always heard it translated as “abyss”, but I guess “void” works as well.

        Come to think of it, the rest of that quote is pretty applicable to Anita.

    • ……….. I would like to come up with some kind of eloquent reply to that article, but the only thing that comes to mind is a kind of hissing, red fury.

      • But, but, superheroes are all manly and stuff, and girls are too innocent and weak and history says so. *headdesk*

        Seriously, I wish someone would give Mark Millar a kick in the nuts. He’s not a good writer (all of his plots tend to be just massive amounts of violence and one-dimensional characters, mixed well), and he’s definitely not someone I’d ask about gender issues.

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