Some days you wake up and you realise that the world is an awful, shitty place.
I need some Tim Minchin right now.
And joy, I get to visit the insanely intolerant world of Anita Blake, a world written by an author who doesn’t seem to understand the barest fundamentals of tolerance.
A woman stood just inside the door. She was tall, slender, dressed in a purple skirt with a white man-tailor shirt. She walked into the room with an eagerness that made me knock about ten years off her age. She looked thirty, but she wasn’t.
Do you think she notices that she writes such tripe?
This is Detective Reynolds, a woman who knows something about something, so we can tell that she’s going to be a bitch that Anita needs to bring down a peg or two.
She leaned down and whispered, “You’re flashing the room, dear.”
“That’s why the underwear matches,” I said.
She looked surprised.
By how utterly dumb you are? I should imagine Reynolds would be surprised, she’s never had the agony of being acquainted with you before.
Anita is actually on the floor for some reason and has to be helped up lest she flash the room her underwear. Wow, that’s a problem for which you surely need the help of others. Dolph rushes over like a good little helper but Reynolds has the utter gall to help her without being invited. The nerve of some people! When the detective touches Anita, there’s a little surge of POWER like static electricity. A random police officer runs off to get Anita a chair and Dolph finally notices that she has a massive fucking knife strapped to her back. My, what a great officer he is! What a brilliant deductive mind he has! Reynolds, it would seem, is a witch, and is the first ever detective with preternatural abilities ever in the history of the world. Yeah, right. She asked specifically to join RPIT, and tried to read Anita’s aura as she’d never met a necromancer before.
I didn’t know that witches could read auras.
Anyway, Dolph presumed that Anita ripped out Robert’s heart because she didn’t like him.
Dolph, you are a friggin’ moron.
“If I killed everyone I didn’t like, Saint Louis would be littered with bodies,” I said.
Oh, wait, you’re not being sarcastic.
Anita then asks Dolph why he bothered to get her for a crime scene which is clearly full of occult spells when he has a witch working for him. That is a good point. Dolph asks her to explain further because he does not understand that for a crime scene where a vampire was killed for some sort of magic spell, he should ask the woman that works for him who is an expert in magic spells. Unlike Anita. Who knows shit all.
Dolph, of course, only asks Anita about her opinion and leaves Reynolds standing there like a gooseberry. Robert was made by JC, and there’s some crap about vampiric telepathy, and this might all be some sort of challenge against JC’s ‘authority’. Anita manages to figure out that whoever did this needed privacy to do this elaborate stunt.
… the cops of the RPIT squad still don’t understand fire, right?
Anita then has a further epiphany that a hate group might have targeted Robert. I think that Reynolds has been silently taken into the Hannah Blake universe for alien blasting adventures with Hannah and Cassandra. This hate group, if they did kill Robert, clearly has an issue with human/vampire relations, so Anita immediately assumes that they’re going to kill her and JC next.
Um, is no one thinking about his pregnant wife? She’d probably be the next target. But I’m not a super clever necromancer, what do I know?
Dolph then asks about vampire reproduction, as this seems to be the most important thing to do in a crime scene with a body lying in a magic circle half a foot away. Anita is all blah blah blah, doesn’t mention dhampirs, and does say that female vampires can’t have babies. Except no, they can, if they’re recently turned. They give birth to things that aren’t exactly human, born with a full set of teeth and near adult intelligence.
Oh god i feel sick but the parallels are there. I mean, come on! It sounds exactly like death baby! I don’t think Smeyer was being entirely original with her stupid ideas now!
There is then a discussion about how Anita will be very careful when she starts having sex with JC, although I seem to remember just two chapters ago when you were saying how you had chosen Richard. She then very smugly says how she’s so glad she’s got ‘high moral standards’ and would never get pregnant by a vampire and how much she judges Monica for getting knocked up.
I bet you’re a lonely fucking snowflake up there on your moral highground.
Monica doesn’t know that Richard is dead, so there is an actually possibility that she’ll come home and just walk in to find everyone listening to Anita’s lecture on how she’s terrible for having a child with her husband next to the mutilated body of Robert. Anita refuses to be there and ‘hold Monica’s hand while she cries over her dead husband’. No, being kind and nice to a woman who has just lost a loved one is too much – that would require empathy and sympathy, things Anita was born without.
Even Dexter Morgan can feel empathy for those around him.
Anita then says she’s going to tell JC everything about the case. Which she’s not allowed to do. But Dolph then is surprised that Anita may ever consider withholding information from her boyfriend, even though you’re not really supposed to divulge information from ongoing criminal cases. Dolph does say that she must keep back the fact that magic was used in the murder, but Anita refuses. She then allows Dolph to withhold some scraps of information, because she knows more about being a cop than he ever will.
They then talk about Greely. Dolph got away with Anita because he told him that Anita was a murder suspect in another case.
“Greeley didn’t seem to like me very much,” I said.
“You’d just killed a woman, Anita. Tends to give a bad first impression.”
Dolph then sends all the other officers away. Reynolds isn’t mentioned, but we know where she’s gone.
When we were alone behind closed doors, he said, “Give it up.”
“You’ve got some kind of freaking blade down your back. Let’s see it.”
… but Dolph noticed the blade on her back SEVEN FUCKING PAGES AGO. WHY IS HE ‘JUST NOTICING’ IT AGAIN??
He looks at it and seems impressed then asks that she leave it at the crime scene. Oh, great, contaminate it, why don’t you! It’s not like someone was brutally murdered here and you’re discussing his sex life with his wife over his body!
Well, except not. Dolph refuses to confiscate this massively illegal weapon. Anita then finally remembers they’re chatting over a mutilated corpse and says that it’s making her uncomfortable. So they start talking about her love life. Then Zerbrowski walks in.
I couldn’t help myself; I walked over and hugged him. There are benefits to being a girl.
…there’s larger funding for our medical care? What are you trying to say with that sentence?!? That it’s somehow feminising to hug people?
Zerbrowski then goes on about how Anita’s all over the national news, as there is absolutely nothing more important going on in America at this point than the news that some woman is dating some vampire. And to remind you all again, they are having this conversation over Robert’s body. Zerbrowski has actually been doing some work though, asking the neighbours about what’s happened. They all seem to agree that Monica must abort her abomination. Anita offers to scope out the neighbours and see if there are any witches amongst them.
Obviously, they can’t ask the witch on the force because she’s running around in another universe.
Zerbrowski then asks Anita and Richard to a dinner date with his wife. WOW. How thrilling. They all finally start to think about that murder thing and Anita says that it had to be more than one murderer, maybe a mixed group of vampires and humans. She remembers that suspicious guy with that suspicious vampire that I had pegged as villains from their introduction. She gives Dolph the name and number for Dominic Dumare.
Monica then arrives to break up this part and is hysterical with grief.
Damn. This night just kept getting better and better.
Try not to let your hatred show too much.