A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter thirty eight


It’s a long chapter today. Pour yourself a drink, listen to something you like, and have some stress relief on hand. I suggest my review of Man of Steel, which I’m posting next, and is fun and sweary and spoilery.

Anita and her gang arrive at the house of Serephina and she’s sitting on a throne in a ‘white ball gown like Cinderella’ and with Magnus Bouvier lounging at her feet ‘in a white tux with tails. Gloves, a white top hat, and a cane were laid next to his knees.’.

Why.

Why is it super dress up time for everyone?

What is the point?

Every master vamp I’d ever met had been into dramatic presentation.

That is not an explanation. And it makes no sense for vampires to be so showy all the time. That’s the kind of crap that gets you staked.

All the other vampires are sort of lounging around her, dressed appropriately, and behaving like the Volutri from Spoony’s vlogs. You know, sort of lazy and foppish. JC announces that they want Jeff Quinlan back and Serephina laughs and calls Anita ‘Niña’. That was her mother’s nickname for her, and it has the unfortunate effect of reminding Anita of her mother and that she’s ethnic.

My skin suddenly went cold. That was it. I would have said it was arrogance, but I believed it. She offered something better than sex, more fulfilling than power. Home.

Why is everything always related to sex? It makes me ruffle my feathers in disquiet.

Lawrence displays concern for Anita but this is shot down with the same level of subtly to a shovel being thwacked into the back of my head. Serephina glides around with flashing eyes, and I’m getting serious ‘Guilty Pleasures’ flashbacks. The set up is pretty much exactly the same, just with an older version of Little Miss Nikky. Anita asks JC to do something, but he says ‘eh, I don’t care’. Well, he dresses it up, but JC has never done anything ever. He is useless.

Serephina announces that Anita will be hers and that Jason will have to do more threesomes with the lady vamps who go rotten. Or he’ll be a guard. Or some other generic punishments. If this is what LKH thinks is dangerous and boundary pushing, I should never write anything involve torture to stop her head from exploding. That’s the benefit of a history degree – learning some hideous torture techniques from history.

“I am feeling petty tonight, Jean-Claude, and soon I will have the power to be as petty as I feel.”

The dialogue just gets worse and worse.

Serephina starts demanding the whole kingdom that had been Little Miss Nikky’s is made hers. Anita says ‘but you have money GTFO’ and Serephina goes on a long and rambly talk about how vampires should live in secret and how she is so secretive and doesn’t trust anyone. While swanning around in a big diamond studded ball gown. Yeah, queen of secrecy right there.

Serephina that cuts open JC’s face.

His face is so cut open that bone is showing through his face.

I am so pleased right now.

Serephina says she will main him permanently, as his beauty is all that’s important about him, and that he can be a puppet for her to be master of St. Louis. (LKH has started capitalising ‘Master’ when she hasn’t in any of the books up to this point, so I shall not). Lady, you’re just going to be on kitty litter duty from this point. And Puddykins won’t like you. Well, he doesn’t like anyone, but cats don’t like Missingno.

Serephina laughs and thunder bursts and she’s just about to proclaim that she’s part of Team Rocket when Anita suddenly points out that Missingno. has not appeared to save her and … oh no, Serephina’s speshul vampire powers have suddenly run out. She can’t control the rawhead and the ghosts at the same time. This lets Anita whip out a cross and lets Serephina whip out the rawhead.

The thing was at least ten feet tall. It had to bend sideways to come through the door, and when it stood, its head brushed the ceiling, and you couldn’t pretend it was human anymore.

Its huge, oversized head had no skin. The flesh was raw and open like a wound. The veins pulsed and throbbed with blood flowing though them, but it didn’t bleed.

I’ve been reading Anita Blake too long because to me it sounds like she just described a massive walking rotten penis.

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Ugh.

Serephina prepares to drink from the rawhead, even though she should be cringing from the cross held aloft by Anita, and this is dangerous because she will become immortal although it was said her plan focused on Magnus and I have no idea why anything is happening or what is going on.

Anita shoots Serephina in the head. Janos the Skeletor jumps in front of her and she shoots him. Lawrence shoots around at various vampires. The rawhead is stood around, glaring at Magnus. Anita wonders what she should do and then manages to remember that she has got proper bullets that can kill fairies because she has a sieve for a fucking brain. Anita shoots the rawhead. It screams. Serephina drinks from him and floats into the ceiling and laughs evilly about how she’ll never let the rawhead free.

She broke a promise with a fairy. You know, the NUMBER ONE RULE ABOUT DEALING WITH FAIRIES.

These characters. These fucking characters.

The rawhead pulls a sword out of nowhere and begins hacking vampires into bits. Serephina gets it. Magnus gets it. Anita pulls a gun on him and demands to know whether the rawhead has been doing those murders. Rawhead is all like ‘well, of course, that’s my job’ and it suddenly gets hacked to death by Xavier  – who also has a sword appear from nowhere – and taken down really easily. Lawrence and Anita shoot it a bunch of times in the head to claim they did something.

oh and xavier is a fairy

what

since fucking when?

Xavier tampered with Magnus’s spell and fed his victims to the rawhead. He tells her that Jeff is in the basement and then POOF he casts a magical spell of the molester and Jason’s coughing up blood and JC is under a pile of vampires. Janos the Skeletor has Lawrence tied up like a roast pig. Serephina is propped up on her throne with her heart showing and is now demanding Anita’s necromancer blood. Anita considers it but… fuck it, look at this.

I looked at [Jean-Claude], struggling helplessly under three times his body weight in vampires. It should have been ridiculous, but it wasn’t.

No, it is. The idea of a super-strong vampire being pinned down by a vampire pyramid is hilarious.

Anita is made to give up all her weapons and then JC and Anita have an extended conversation about…. nothing really. But the extended conversation is taking place with her on the dais with the evil vamps and JC under the pile of other evil vamps and this is hilarious too.

Anita spits in Janos’s face and Serephina draws her closer and bites her. She smells like her mother, which has so many Oedipal things going on that I don’t want to touch it lest I get infected. Then Anita blacks out but I know nothing is happening. You see, I have found out that LKH made a promise to her character that no one would ever die after Philip died. Thus deflating any attempts at tension. Like, ever.

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4 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter thirty eight

  1. MASSIVE ROTTING PENIS

    ONE OF MY FAVORITE MONSTERS FROM THE AB BOOKS

    AND NOW I CAN ONLY SEE IT AS THAT

    I WOULD SAY YOU RUINED THIS BUT I’M LAUGHING TOO HARD AHAHAH

  2. The Nina nickname always bugged me as nina simply means girl so basically Anita’s mum was simply calling her “Girl” all the time. Not my girl (which is still a poor nickname) but Girl.

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