A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter thirty seven


Sorry for missing yesterday’s update, had a bit of an issue with the house. Because of this, I am even less inclined to deal with LKH’s ongoing stream of bullshit that she constantly vomits out and expects me to eat because if I don’t she will dance around and call me a pathetic prep while she is true goff and then attempts to nail frozen bananas into my head. With a sledgehammer. And then makes the vomit covered remains of my body watch The Room on permanent repeat.

To wit, ‘I am done with this bullshit and I’m only on book fucking five’.

JC appears, because way back in 1995 LKH knew that I would be in this mood when reading her self-promoted vomit and wanted to incite a kind of chipmunk frothy fury from me. Anita’s happy because she wants his undead peen inside her hooha and has long ago forgotten how he is forcing her to this point, negating the idea of romantic love, attachment, and affection entirely.

We are treated to a loving description of how he looks, because knowing that JC is in another regency lace shirt will surely only help the tension in this moment. And you should all give me chocolate and Loki-related hugs for not making jokes about LKH wanting JC’s undead pecker as much as Anita does. except i kind of did AND I DON’T CARE LOOK AT ME I’M A REBEL

Janos and JC are both surprised, because… they…. have similar outfits…. Fuck it, who cares? LKH doesn’t care. No one has any motivation. Motivation is something that isn’t needed. This is a carefully designed roller-coaster that rolls along the Norfolk countryside; that is, entirely flat and having nothing resembled a thrill or any landscaping that is unexpected. You just roll along for a while, coo at things, and then the ride ends and beats you in the head with a shovel as a sign that you enjoyed it.

JC claims that everyone is his, as vampires never seem to have any desire for some kind of autonomous existence. While they all have unique histories and angsts, what a vampire really wants is to join with other vampires in a huge amalgamous blob, hopefully dressed in leather and some sort of cheap velvet.

People talk about a party. I rally hope the party invovles a clown who juggles chainsaws but that would happen in Hannah Blake, which in another world is massively successful and promotes the equal opportunities of women in sci-fi. A bunch of people fly off, and Anita is amazed that vampires, creatures who have shown to be immensely strong, can carry heavy things. Yeah, just keep thinking like that, and maybe some day Father Christmas will finally bring you that Girl’s World doll.

“I took the liberty of choosing clothes for you to wear tonight,” Jean-Claude said. “They are in the Jeep.”

“I locked the Jeep,” I said.

JC is a centuries old powerful vampire. He’s strong, has psychic abilities, and can fly. The lock on a Jeep is not going to present him with much of challenge. It doesn’t even present much of a challenge to me, and I’m a skinny white girl with less strength that a basket full of kittens. Car window + brick = I’m rolling around naked covered in goat fat inside your Jeep.

I walked around the Jeep and found a clean pair of black jeans. The tightest pair I owned. A bloodred tank top that I didn’t remember buying. It felt like silk. There was a black duster cat that I had never seen. When I tried it for length it hit me at mid-calf, and billowed when I moved. I liked the coat. The silk blouse I could have done without.

Personal choice is about as useless as a submarine made of trifle. Anita has now less respect than a Barbie doll. JC gets to dress her up and put her in scenarios he likes to play around with, and then he locks her away in his personal shrine to the character he has created. The Barbie doll I had when I was seven that I spun around by her hair until her neck snapped entirely and the body went flying off and then I would put the heads of different toys onto her body had more respect, more character, and more personal independence that Anita can claim to by this point.

Lawrence gets to be dressed up by Jason, because yeah, that guy still exists although he hasn’t done anything valid or interesting or not sticking his nose up Anita’s arsehole since… well, ever. JC and Jason reveal that they escaped Serephina by simply escaping, and we get a long and loving montage of Anita suiting up with crosses and guns, which is OK because I love a good montage and which is not okay because this one does not come with inspirational 80s music sung by a European woman with giant hair and shoulder pads or similar.

Lawrence is uncomfortable about being forced to wear a woman’s blouse so everyone else gangs up on him and insults him until he remembers his true place is to live inside Anita’s hairy Mexican buttcheeks. And this is not to say that Mexicans naturally have hairy buttcheeks, but that the image of Anita as an uber-perfect sexy hot mama who can kick your arse is successfully undermined by imagining that her bottom is seriously unnaturally hairy, as if her backside was replaced by a dog who hasn’t shaved in seven years.

Lawrence tries to complain about being forced to wear leather, because somewhere in the recesses of LKH’s mind she has remembered that humans are all individuals and that we are all allowed different opinions. This rebellion of the small part of her that wants to be a good writer, instead of having the skills of a lazy preteen teenage girl lasts about 0.03 seconds.

The plot of the book is apparently all about Serephina’s desire to be immortal. She has apparently been living for centuries and centuries without being aware that as a creature that is a corpse walking the earth as an enchanted corpse with magical powers that has the potential to not die providing she is careful and not totally batshit moronic.

Here’s a friendly reminder of good advice from a man who I swear is an actual friendly deity who has decided to wander the earth and enjoy life and be an amazing human being.

This book contains so little imagination an imagination finding machine who can sift through all the sand in the entire universe within a single millisecond of existence would reject it and throw it back into some primordial ooze at the beginning of time. And yet, IT IS STILL GOING.

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4 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter thirty seven

  1. LKH really never did leave the Goff vs Prep mindset, it’s true.

    oooh, I sure would like a submarine of trifle though!

    Anita’s personal hygiene habits take a real dip as the series goes on, I can see her neglecting shaving at the very least (which is cool if it’s a choice, gross when you remember it’s because she can’t seem to remember to shower anymore, especially not after sweaty group sex)

  2. …I love you. You have so many awesome lines in this review that I beg permission to steal them for my own use.

    • You may take any and all lines of your choice. I’d been watching Zero Punctuation all day and it spilled out into the review, so it’s a lot wordier than my usual outputs.

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