A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty eight


I cooked like all the things at the BBQ last night and became a barbecue dictator. It was so much fun. I got into philosophical discussions about feminism and evolution and announced my candidacy to become Britain’s benevolent dictator to rid the world of privately owned services that should be publicly owned. My slogan, by popular consensus, was decided upon: ‘Britain Cunt Free by 2020’. It would involve locking away people like the EDL and those who misuse history into camps based on public votes and me turning the whole of Rome into my personal palace. I would also instigate wider research into green energy, invest more money in protecting the environment, and provide free public services.

As dictators go, I wouldn’t be a bad one. Although there’s a lot of leeway in judging how bad one is at being a dictator.

And onto today’s chapter.

Jason walked past me into the hotel room. He headed straight for the bathroom. “I’m taking a shower.” It was pushy, but he did smell like a decayed corpse.

Don’t worry. I’ll eventually take over the US and then you can all vote LKH into one of the camps. (I would also return a lot of land to the Native Americans, FYI.)

It’s not pushy to go straight to a shower when you were forced to participate in a threesome with two decaying corpses.

I may forgo the public vote and stick LKH in my own personal dungeon for making me write that. She can go to the ‘writer’s readjustment’ part of the dungeon, along with James Cameron and E.L. James.

Lawrence says it would make more sense if everyone used both showers. I find this nonsensical as no one suggested that everyone just wait for the single shower in Anita’s room. No one made any loud vows not to use Lawrence’s shower, so I’m not sure why he has to state the obvious so forcefully. Anita declares that they must all stay in one room to stay safe. I really hope it doesn’t turn into a spontaneous orgy.

Anyway, it appears that Lawrence is feeling bad for shooting the vampire Bruce in the head.

“It was a vampire. It’s not the same thing as killing a person.”

No, of course it’s not. It’s just killing something with self awareness, a personality, a need to survive, with the capability to feel emotion. Totes not the same.

Lawrence points out that Anita gave JC CPR but Anita puts him down by saying that all vampires are just monsters and Lawrence must never question her on this. JC interjects to ask whether Anita ever feels like a monster – something she readily admits to. And this willingness to admit it gives her the moral high ground to shoot anyone she feels like with impunity.

It is pondered how long JC will last without his coffin, as in a world where vampires are out in the open, this fancy hotel does not have facilities to deal with them. JC calls this ‘concern’ and Anita reminds him of how she slit her wrist open for him.

I remind you all that it has not been dealt with. Anita should be a very raisny corpse by now.

Anita grants permission for Lawrence and Jason to go through to their own room (no, seriously, they were waiting for her permission. WTF) and goes off to shower. She offers it to JC first, but he feels the need to tell her that baths take a long time (again, seriously) and she must go first. So she does.

And no one has attempted any first aid on her slit wrist. She’s still just trailing blood from a gushing wound. Opening a vein is not that dangerous it would seem.

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3 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty eight

  1. I would be quite pleased with you ruling the US! Are your policies friendly towards rats and other rodents?

    I still don’t understand WHY CPR WORKED

    • I would be very friendly towards rats, rodents, and all the animals. I would stop the deplorable badger cull being tested in the UK, for a start.

      The CPR worked through the power of belief. JC is actually Tinkerbell.

  2. “Lawrence says it would make more sense if everyone used both showers. ”

    Kinda stupid for Larry to say, yes, but you gotta remember the majority of the population in Anita’s world are dumbasses. They need a Captain Obvious to tie their shoe laces.

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