A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty six


I have not let LKH beat me. I almost missed today because of last night’s chapter. But LKH shall not and shall never turn me away from my duty of reviewing her spewed out crap.

Ivy threw Anita on top of the rotting vampire women, and they immediately think ‘hey, she wants some action!’. They begin stroking her, so she looks over to JC who is crawling around on the floor, fighting Janos. Anita then begins shooting the rotting vampires, which would be my reaction to being thrown into a rotting pile of vampires who try to have sex with me. Jason jumps in and pulls away vampires and I think that Anita kills them, but I can’t tell.

JC is being… beaten by Janos, I think, but since vampire power battles are poorly described and sort of happen around Anita, I can never tell what’s going on. JC is on the floor, and Lawrence and Anita both begin shooting Janos in the head. Janos sort of goes ‘meh’ and walks out the door.

Through my ruined vision I saw Jean-Claude still lying motionless in a pool of his own blood. The question that came into my head was, Is he dead? A stupid question about a vampire, but it was still the first thing I thought of.

It’s not stupid seeing as vampires can die. You should know this as you kill them on a regular basis.

Jason is ripping apart the two rotting vampire women and Bruce, he of the tux, appears to be dead. I notice how it isn’t ridiculous to think of Bruce as being dead.

How do you tell if a vampire is dead? Sometimes he didn’t have a pulse, or a heartbeat, or didn’t breathe. Shit, again.

Anita, I have to say ‘shit, again’ to you because you kill vampires on a professional basis and you cannot tell when they are dead. You are paid by the government to kill vampires and you can’t even tell when they are alive or dead. What a great expert you are.

JC is floppy and dead – but still very beautiful. It is important to know how beautiful he is.

When is dead, dead for a vampire?

When they crumble into dust? When they don’t have a head any more? HOW DO YOU KILL VAMPIRES FOR A LIVING AND BE SO UNAWARE OF WHEN THEY ARE DEAD.

Anita starts to give JC CPR….

hang on, I need a few minutes to laugh at this.

….

Okay, I’m back.

Right, what’s the point of giving a vampire CPR? It’s not exactly the respiratory system keeping him undead. As he’s not alive. He’s undead. As he was killed to become a vampire. It’s magic or some shit like that which makes JC walk and talk and try to stick his undead peen inside you. CPR is not going to do anything. It’s the reaction of someone who has no idea how to operate around vampires.

Lawrence watches, as clueless about vampires as Anita is.

“Can I let the girls go?”

“Sure.” I’d forgotten about the girls. I’d forgotten about Jeff Quinlan. I’d have traded them all for Jean-Claude to blink his eyes at me.

11bullshit

Jason suggests feeding him. As he heals quickly and has greater strength, Anita decides to slit her wrist open and feed JC herself. She carries on the CPR, her slit wrist no doubt bleeding everywhere as slitting your wrists is, you know, dangerous and all. JC grabs onto her wrist, but his bone breaking strength is no match for moving a bleeding wrist slowly away from his face. He just grabs that slit wrist and bites down on it, with full intention of draining her. Anita is surprised that having someone bite through your flesh hurts and that he is killing her.

She proclaims herself ‘your ma petite’ and I vomit copiously, everywhere. JC wakes up and is all smiles and flirtation while Anita contemplates fainting from blood loss.

Jason lay down on the bloody floor. I blinked at him. “The neck hurts less,” he said.

Now, I know that is crap. Having cuts on the neck hurts a lot more than the wrist.

Even if I’d known the neck hurt less, I wouldn’t have offered it. It looked too much like sex. The wrist at least let me pretend we weren’t doing something intimate.

Yes, when I’m frantically trying to revive a vampire, all I’m thinking about is how it may or may not appear to be like sex.

Damnit Anita, stop thinking about sex all the time!

A white handkerchief tied to a stick appears at the door. Magnus Bouvier walks in.

He says that Serephina is sorry for all of this and that they should all come through to her audience chamber. The geometry test has been called off. He offers JC his blood, and Anita tries to kill Magnus. Again. This is refusing Serephina’s peace offering, so it is close to refusing her apology. And it turns out that Anita is now a master or something because she fought Ivy and won. Apparently, throwing a human across the room means you’ve lost because you didn’t use super amazing vampire powers. JC is giggling, as the combination of werewolf and super speshul human has made him drunk because… GODDAMNIT HAVEN’T YOU LEARNT ANYTHING ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS?

[Jean-Claude’s] voice was thick, heavy but not sleepy, more the languor after sex.

No, he can’t be drunk like the rest of us. He has to be super sexy drunk, even as he’s rolling around the floor laughing like a tit.

Lawrence takes the two women-who-were-supposed-to-be-whipped out of here, and Anita is walking around with a slit open wrist and practically collapsing from blood loss.

Again, I find myself questioning just why all of this has happened. AND The Borgias has been cancelled. Ugh.

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4 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty six

  1. This is stupid. Anita is stupid. And did Anita just imply that she would leave a teenage boy, who was kidnapped due to her own carelessness, in the hands of a child molester, as well as allowing two teenage girls to be killed, if it would mean that an undead rapist who knew and accepted the risks when he came there, would blink. She is beyond disgusting. I’m sorry, but that is really fucking evil. Screw you, Anita.

      • Obviously. I mean, the girls are female! They must secretly be evil. And the boy doesn’t worship Anita, so obviously he has to die. I want Freemont to burst in through the door and arrest them all.
        Anita will be arrested for killing those vampires without a warrant, because there is no proof that they attacked first, and they know that if they don’t, the vampires will not be pleased. She will then be executed because magic users are too dangerous to arrest, and they will find the string of bodies and disappearances that follow her around.
        The other vampires will kill Jean-Claude because they will assume that he was trying to take over this territory.
        Free of Jean-Claude’s influence, Jason will hook up with Freemont. They will live happily together, with Jason providing a fresh perspective on crimes committed by weres, and a link to the therianthropic community.
        Larry will decide vampire hunting is not for him, and will get a job in a restaurant, eventually becoming an acclaimed chef.
        And Sigmund watches happily.

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