A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty five


It’s a long chapter today folks, so before we dive in I suggest you buy a copy of my friend’s eBook as it’s proper good and like the Facebook page.

(I’d also think it would be great if you liked the facebook page for meeeeee but I can’t promise that it’s very interesting)

JC laughs and laughs a lot, asking for Serephina. Ivy and Bruce sort of shrug and walk out, leaving the Anita gang alone with Skeletor.

How many torture rooms could a house this size have? Don’t answer that.

Probably a less-than-imaginative amount, seeing as the ‘torture’ room is fairly mundane. It’s kind of sad and a bit telling about my own imagination that I was able to think of a considerable amount of effective torture techniques involving a table and a small cell. It’s not about the look of it, it’s about the results after all.

hmmm…. I’m having an idea for a story competition now. A competition I should probably not encourage.

Skeletor is called ‘Janos’ and the Anita gang have to pass through him before they can get to Serephina, making him a lieutenant before a boss fight. JC says it cannot be so, for Janos is much more powerful than Serephina so cannot be under her, uh, power.

“When you have seen her, you will understand. Now come, all of you, join us. The night is young, and I want to see you all naked and bleeding before dawn.”

Anita pops up and says ‘nuh uh ’cause we have immunity!’. Janos says that they shall all consent to his torture eventually. JC just keeps going on about how Serephina would have no chance of being master with Janos around, how she’s too young and too inexperienced, how she has no power to keep vampires in her thrall… rather like you JC. He tries to use teh logics by saying that Serephina isn’t one for torture, but Janos says that the room is his present for being a good little servant.

Ivy and Bruce come back in, dragging a young blonde woman through the room. The woman is crying and wailing to let her go, as she’s clearly been abducted, and two more vampires come in. Apparently they’re all very old and Anita actually speaks up to say they can’t do anything with unwilling humans. Humans? There’s more than one blonde girl? Since when? But she is being the only moral one in the entire room for once and I’m glad she’s pointing out how massively illegal all this is.

Janos talks about how he likes a girl with spirit.

JC suddenly teleports across the room to stop Janos from showing just how much he likes a girl with spirit. Janos is all ‘hurr hurr hurr I brought these girls to provoke you all into a fight with us hurr hurr hurr’ and I’m just…

Because I don’t understand why Serephina’s gang are trying as hard as they can to get Anita’s gang to break the truce. I really don’t. There’s a vampire killing in the area, and a group of rogue vampires killed members of the police and kidnapped a white middle class teenager, the type of child who will get – sadly – the most media and police attention. I should imagine that Serephina’s gang, even if they are involved which I’m guessing they are, really don’t need any more attention. Like by killing the world’s very best vampire executioner and her protege. Better to just talk with her, say how you’re not involved, then arrange an ‘accident’ during the day when Anita ‘peabrain’ Blake will not suspect you.

A woman stepped into the room from the side door. She was tall, taller than Jean-Claude [Not that difficult seeing as he comes from a time period where men were on average about 5’7 or 5’8] Her skin was the color of coffee with two creams.

What the hell does that even mean. If she’s a person of colour, just say she’s a person of fucking colour without the foam and the sprinkles please.

She was dressed in a black, patent leather body suit. It left very little to the imagination.

Vampires – sponsored by the leather company, apparently.

This vampire is called ‘Kissa’ (the Finnish word for cat, incidentally) and she radiates ‘raw sexuality’. She’s apparently been with Serephina for a long time and JC is all like ‘I’m so sorry for the awful book you’re in’.

“Don’t pity me, Jean-Claude. Serephina has promised you to me, before Janos breaks that beautiful body of yours.”

Why is everyone obsessed with JC? Why is he this unparalleled wonder of creation that every woman just wants to have? Look, I am asexual, you all know that. But I am still able to find people attractive, normally in a more ‘your face is nice, your personality is nice, GAHHHHH I WANT A CUDDLE FRIEND’ way. Sort of how I think about tortoises and scruffy puppies. But (yes, this all has a point) people do not view the same people in the same way. The men I enjoy looking at will not be the same as the men my friends enjoy looking at. Or ladies. UG, from my videos, cannot understand why I like Tom Hiddleston’s face. I cannot understand why Cecilia likes Colin Morgan. Insert any applicable examples from your life here. My point is that people all have individual things that they like, personal taste based on life experience, genetics, and a random twist. It is unbelievable that everyone is creaming their knickers over some French twatwaffle.

Also if you don’t think Lucy Liu is one fierce woman I can’t talk to you.

I would watch the hell out of a show where Lucy Liu killed vampires.

The vampires chain up the girls in their awful torture dungeon and Lawrence loudly declares, in the middle of a vampire den, with no weapons, that he cannot stand and watch this. Anita declares this also, but JC says that none of this illegal, the girls consented to be entertainment, and they’re not actually hurt or anything.

Anita tries asking what Janos wants. Janos laughs at her and mentions negotiations. I have 100% no idea what is going on.

The vampires went to the girls. They held up the whips so the two girls could see them.

“What is that?” the blonde asked.

“It’s a whip,” the second girl said. Firm and clipped, her voice did not betray her the way her trembling body did.

The two vampires backed away, just good enough for good whipping distance, I guess.

“What the bloody hell do you want?” I asked.

“Are you familiar with the term ‘whipping boy’?” Janoes asked.

“It was a person used by royalty to be beaten in the place of the royal heir.”

“Very good; so few young people have a sense of history.”

“What does the history lesson have to do with anything?”

“The girls are whipping boys for your two young men,” Janos said.

what what what

THIS IS VERY STUPID

and shows that LKH knows NOTHING ABOUT WHIPS

For a start, on a historical basis, you would not use a whip on a whipping boy, if you have elected to use one in the education of your prince. Many royal families didn’t elect to use them because a good beating is a useful lesson for any child, including a prince. Edward VI didn’t have one. I don’t think Henry VIII had one either. You would use a cane or a nice swishy birch branch for that.

Secondly, you have to be very very very very careful when you use a whip on people. That cracking noise a whip makes? That’s the tip breaking the sound barrier. Whips are dangerous and when used willy-nilly to beat on people they’ll cause permanent damage. The vampires are described using what sounds to me to be the classic swishy long one-tailed whip. That’s a horse whip. You don’t use horse whips on horses, as the sound it makes is supposed to scare them into moving. Do you know why you don’t use a horse whip on any living creature? Because a horse whip has the power to strip flesh away from bones. And that’s just in a human’s hands, let alone a vampire’s. So having the vampires whip these two girls – who DID NOT CONSENT TO ANY OF THIS – is really dumb and really dangerous.

Here’s a good article on bondage whipping and how whipping has to be treated seriously because it fucking scars you if you do it wrong because using an implement that breaks the sound barrier is really dangerous if you don’t do it right.

Lawrence and Jason have to offer themselves up to be whipped because… this is not funny any more. I want to know why things are happening and there are never any explanations given. Jason offers himself but Anita says he shouldn’t because you can die from a whipping.

… yes, Jason shouldn’t die, but these two girls should do.

Anita debates killing everyone but I think Lawrence and Jason agree to get whipped. And everyone must satisfy the desires of ‘Bettina’ and ‘Pallas’.

Jason stared at the two vampires. They’d turned to face us. I suddenly tried to see them from the viewpoint of a twenty-year-old male. They were chesty, slim waisted; if Pallas’s face was a little too witchy-looking for my taste, and Bettina’s eyes too small, that was just me. Neither of them was pretty, or even beautiful; they were handsome in the way that some tall, leggy women are. Handsome in a good way, if they had been human.

Yes, as the looks of the people whipping you to death are important when you’re dying from shock, blood loss, or succumb to an infection later.

What the fuck was the point of that?

Jason offers himself forwards but he is not going to get whipped. He’s going to get a threesome with Pallas and Bettina, who are both wearing leather. They begin to rub each other. It is quite dull. Ivy rubs her back against the wall and crawls around on all fours. Anita keeps describing the threesome as probing each other, ‘full of more probing than anybody but your doctor should be doing’ because talking about doctors probing you in what isn’t a medical erotica scene is sexy. One of the female vampires – they’re not identified – has crotchless leather trousers and is apparently a natural blonde. Everyone in the entire room is literally just watching this, and not doing anything. I don’t think that Hamilton knows how to balance more than three characters in a scene. One of the female vampires peels her skin off when Jason is inside her. The other one begins to dissolve into a pile of goo. Help me. All of this is real and not an illusion. JC challenges Janos. Jason has broke away and is screaming in the corner while the rotting vampire women try to rub his junk. JC declares that they will dance and the room fills with… power. Anita challenges Ivy. Ivy declares that she will fuck JC and picks up Anita. Kissa declares that she must put her down, so Ivy throws Anita cross the room.

….

….

what did i just read.

TPhoto_00047

I have stared into the abyss.

That makes me feel somewhat better.

TPhoto_00048

I think I’m broken though.

11 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty five

  1. I remember this scene as hideous and awful and pointless. Really, really pointless. Although Jason suffers genuine psychological consequences (kind of) from this! I cling to that small ray of hope in this mire of disgusting foulness.

  2. When I read this scene I actually think I threw the book across the room at some point. It was utterly disgusting and completely pointless. Does Hamilton even know what she’s writing? Or is she just vomiting up random words?

    “Neither of them was pretty, or even beautiful; they were handsome in the way that some tall, leggy women are.”
    Because God forbid tall, leggy women be actually attractive!

    • Women taller than Anita be attractive? Impossible I say!

      I have no idea why anything in this chapter happened. If they just needed Ivy to break the truce, why couldn’t the chapter have been about that? Why the whipping? Why the sex with decomposing bodies?

  3. I can actually only think of one black character that shows up in this series that isn’t implied to be lightskinned (coffee with cream and such). Also, all vampires of color are evil. Weirdly, not all humans or shifters of color are, but every non-white vampire, even when we start getting good/benign/not-evil vampires, is evil, be they black or Latino/a or East Asian or South Asian.

    I don’t think it’s revealed in this book, but JC was a whipping boy in life. I don’t remember the details but I have a hunch from what you’ve said here that LKH portrayed that wrong in that instance too.

    Vampires who can rot at will are my favorite bloodline. They’re fucking GROSS, which I love, and they’re the most durable and hard to kill of all vampires, and some can even rise as early as late afternoon BUT they look like their rotting corpse form until full dark. Naturally though, they are not the bloodline that gets focus in the series as a whole. No, that honor goes to the line of sexy vampires who are all sexy hot people who were mostly turned because they were so beautiful* and who have sexual sexy powers to be sexy and sexual and who can even feed on sex and lust instead of blood. (SURPISE: This is JC’s line!)

    *because apparently beauty standards for both sexes have been the same throughout history, except of course, as Anita will bring up on occasion, people used to prefer girls with curvier figures and thus loads of vampire men like her better then those blasted evil skinny women…keep in mind Anita is less than 120 lbs and just has really big tits is all -.-

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