A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty two

I slept most of the day, and when I woke up, I discovered that nobody would let me come play. Everybody was scared of the Quinlan lawsuit, and I was persona non grata everywhere I tried to go.

You’ll realise why when you finally grow up and watch the episode of Captain Planet about responsibility, Anita.

She complains about how mean everyone is being and eagerly waits for nightfall because JC, having the mind of a seven year old, will instantly agree with her. Well, no, she just talks about how much she wants to avoid him. He wakes up and…

His shirt had a collar so high it covered his neck completely. Mother-of-pearl buttons fastened the high collar so that his face was framed by the white, white fabric. There must have been a dozen buttons gleaming down the pleated front of his shirt. A black, waist-high jacket that was almost too black to be seen hid the sleeves. Only the shirt’s cuffs showed; wide and stiff, covering half his hand. He raised a hand to the light and the cuffs bent back underneath to give his hand a full range of motion. His tight black pants were stuffed into another pair of black boots. They came all the way up his legs, so that he was encased in leather; black on black buckled straps held the soft leather in place.

I don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care. Why is what he wearing important to the plot? Why the fuck do I need to know what he’s wearing? Knowing what disgusting thing he’s put on plays no part in the development of the plot, other than taking up words.

They’ve got to go see the master of the city, Serephina, a name long overused in fantasy and supernatural works. JC thinks this may come across as a confrontation, and that they may have to fight her. You see, even though JC said that he gave away Branson because he couldn’t handle it (the truth I suspect) it turns out that the witches Grand High Council – I mean the vampire, council – made JC give away some of his lands to a vampire equal to his power because… shut up.

JC is all like ‘LOL YOU KNOW NOT OF IT, MY PATRONISING NICKNAME?’. And even though we know Anita is a moron and knows nothing, I give her credit for this. How is she going to have heard of a super secret Grand High Council that has been kept as a secret by vampires for thousands of years? No vampires are going to give away that secret.

“We have a council, ma petite. It has existed for a very long time. It is not so much a governing body as a court, or police, perhaps. Before your courts made us citizens with rights, we had very few rules, and only one law. Thou shall not draw attention to yourself. That’s the law that Tepes forgot.”

“Tepes,” I said, “Vlad Tepes? You mean Dracula?”

Sigh. Overlooking the insulting assumption that America is the only important nation in the world (anjhdlasd;pdkfdjkhsdfhjdhhhhhhhffffff), I do not want Hamilton to even bother to touch Dracula. Dracula is one of my favourite books of all time and whenever it is brought up in idiotic supernatural fiction, it’s always misinterpreted and I want to hurt things.

And Dracula didn’t really draw attention to himself. A group of six people knew of his existence and were trying to kill him. They only knew about it because he tried to kill two of them, and killed another who was know to four others. It was pretty well contained.

And the Dracula of the book is implied to be Vlad the Impaler (a very well regarded historical figure in his native Romania) but I always have to go urrkkk when the historical link is brought up because, as Stoker knew, it would be impossible for Tepes to become a vampire. His head was cut off and sent to Istanbul, which in this series is said to kill a vampire outright.

Plus grrrr.

JC banters for a while and then Anita realises that he’s eaten, forgetting what role Jason plays in JC’s life. She bursts into the bedroom and would you believe it, but JC has fed on him. Jason tries to pull Anita on the bed so she tries to kill him. Jason complains that no one ever told him that Anita was off limits, which makes me want to hurt him because dude, she has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want to sleep with you. Why must you demand that other people, beside the woman, affirm or deny whether she will have sex with you? Yeah, women need no agency and JC must speak for Anita on how she does not want to sleep with Jason.

JC then demands that everyone change into something more fancy, and he starts veering dangerously towards the camp gay stereotype. Anita puts on a shirt that she thinks JC would wear. Slowly, what is her personality is going to be replaced with just more JC. Jason puts on leather trousers, because nothing says ‘fancy but practical enough to run away in for when Anita eventually puts her foot in it’ like leather. We get a loving description of his outfit, including how his shirt rides up to show off his stomach.

Lawrence, who is still here although he has no real importance to anything, gets a big blue leather coat that sounds like it came from The Matrix. Matrix are only cool in the Matrix. Take the goddamned red pill and grow up.

For the first time I wondered if [JC] and Serephina had been lovers. I knew Jean-Claude wasn’t a virgin. I mean, get real. But knowing he had lovers and meeting one were two different things. I realized with a start that it would bother me.

Oh, do you think that Serephina and JC might have been lovers?


3 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twenty two

  1. I just have a hard time believing that we’re supposed to be attracted to JC. I mean Hamilton must know that her insipid descriptions of his clothing are completely useless and really, in my opinion, make him even less attractive.
    Also, if my memory serves me, things are about to get wrong and gross and weird. Prepare yourself.

  2. I thought I was the only one who didn’t find JC attractive. But then, I don’t find any of Anita’s men attractive. I’m not fond of waist-length hair and 80’s stripper wear on men, no matter how lovingly it’s described in every single scene.

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