A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter eighteen


Another long chapter. This is starting to look a little like consistency in editing.

Lawrence and Anita go back to the hotel and start packing all their stuff up because… shut up. There’s a page of intimate description of the room, peppered with Anita complaining about it all.

There was a bar set into the left-hand wall. Being a teetotaller, that was a real plus for me.

Not drinking alcohol is not as big a deal as you think it is, Anita. I have a lot of friends that choose to not drink alcohol. I don’t drink, mainly because I can’t. I have severe IBS with a side of a lovely condition called ‘diarrhoea urgency’, which is not anything you ever want to have. Believe me. So stop your bitching Anita.

Anita hears a noise, instantly goes for her gun, and SURPRISE, it’s JC. I guess Mister Puddykins could spare him from wiping his arse clean for a few days.

The shirt had long, full sleeves that had been gathered in three puffs down the length of the arm to end in a spill of cloth that framed his long, pale fingers. The collar was high and tied with a white cravat that spilled lace down the front of him tucked into a vest. It was black and velvety with pinpricks of silver on it. Thigh-high black boots fit his legs like a second skin.

Why is he wearing hooker boots with a ambiguously gay Victorian gentleman’s (although with eighteenth century shirt) suit? It sounds disgusting. And not important for any aspect of the plot.

JC walks around the room ‘like a shark’ so I guess he’s flapping his arms and skimming the air for plankton like a sad whale shark. He tricked the receptionist to let him in and immediately compliments Anita on her skirt and legs. Yeah, there’s a child molesting paedophile vampire on the loose who has possibly killed a few teenage boys. I need a lesson in priorities.

“Stop it, Jean-Claude. I’m too short to have wonderful legs.”

… too short to have good legs. Here are a collection of thoughts I had on reading this sentence.

  • Last time I checked, short people’s legs are the same proportion to their bodies as with tall people.
  • What, am I supposed to think that with people under 5’5, their legs just start at the knees? Or look as solid as tree trunks?
  • What the hell does height have to do with how your legs look? It’s based on shape of muscle, ennit.
  • I GET IT YOU ARE SHORT
  • i am all humble for i must be truly ugly even though i have all these guys trying to fuck me
  • why are you this idiotic
  • for the sake of fuck

“I do not understant [nice typo] this modern obsession with height.”

Oh, I see the ‘lots of history’ you like LKH there. Five hundred years ago, people just went around not noticing anything about anyone. They were effectively blind, just bouncing off things occasionally. For the everloving sake of fuck.

“Fine, flirt all you want, but keep in mind that you’re here to save the life of a young boy. A young boy who may be being raped while we sit here and waste time.”

“You have a habit, ma petite, of taking all the fun out of seducing you.”

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The prospect of raped teenage boys tends to do that to a situation.

Mister Puddykins has arranged a meeting with the Master of the City for Branson, so JC and Anita can go bother people there. Anita whines about the miniskirt AGAIN FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK WHY DID YOU EVEN WEAR IT. JC asks why Anita even bothers to care about Jeff Quinlan, as he needs to show what great boyfriend material he is. She shouldn’t hurt herself with empathy and then he wants to know why she’s packing all her stuff up. Anita says they need to get out of here sharpish because she shoved a gun in Stirling’s face – which I don’t remember – because he was going to kill a guy Anita then proceeded to try and kill herself. JC doesn’t see what the fuss is about.

“Protecting our lands has been a valid excuse for slaughter since the beginning of time, ma petite. Did you suddenly change the rules?”

No, I think the government did.

Anita gives that dunderfuck idea of hers that it was all a plot to kill Magnus Bouvier. JC reveals that the ‘exotic’ vampire child abuser is called Xavier. Anita insults JC which I greatly enjoy.

Lionel Bayard, the junior partner, suddenly knocks at the door. He’s come to say sorry to Anita and to offer her a big bonus because this is cray cray land where all logical sense has flown out the window and pigs fly and sheep make assault weapons. The bonus is twenty thousand dollars. Anita thinks a plot to murder Magnus Bouvier is okay now, but all she’s really cross about is the age of the zombies she has to raise. She might have to make a human sacrifice to do it, but she agrees.

Real nice morality there.

She suspects Bayard may be up to something but says if he gets her a cow, it should be easy.

….. in cray cray land, a cow is the perfect equivalent of a human being.

When Bayard leaves, Anita declares that they can’t possibly go talking to any vampires now and they should wait for tomorrow night. Wow, I see your pain over the abduction of Jeff Quinlan is truly eating you up inside. Lawrence gets very angry, because vampires sleep in the day. He doesn’t bother to stretch it to thinking that if they had left off the vampire hunting until the day, Jeff Quinlan wouldn’t have been abducted.

In his own way Larry was as stubborn as I was. Frightening thought, that.

Lawrence is like the least stubborn person ever. He folds quicker than an automated folding machine working at full speed.

There’s another knock at the door, and it’s Jason – the rescued werewolf from the last book – who is JC’s new pet/forced fuck buddy/delete as appropriate. Then JC talks about how Anita isn’t his human servant but performs the same role and has to pretend to be his servant as he visits the Master as Branson used to be part of the St. Louis territory but now isn’t and everyone thinks that JC is very weak because of this.

I’m betting he lost it and that is why Mister Puddykins despises him so much.

[JC] made a harsh sound, as if he had no words for his anger. “Why do I put up with you? You insult me at every turn. There are many who would give their souls for what I offer you.”

Roll up, roll up, all women (and men) literally chomping at the bit to date a manipulative potential rapist who makes a living by cleaning shit from a cat’s bum.

Anyway, the master of this city has stole JC’s coffin because apparently everyone in this world is childish. He didn’t say hello nicely enough, you see. He can sleep in the room if it’s dark which absolutely amazes Lawrence who was unable to think of vampires potentially sleeping outside coffins. May I remind you all that Lawrence studied vampires at university.

“You can sleep on the couch if you prefer, but I am telling you truly that once daylight arrives I will be harmless, helpless if you like. I would be unable to molest you even if I wanted to.”

why would you do that?

What an interesting choice of words from Mr ‘you’re supposed to dump a gusher at the thought of me’ Jean-Claude.

Anita doesn’t know how she’ll be able to keep maids out of the room in the daytime and potentially kill him. Again, I remind you all that this is a world where vampires legally exist. There surely must be a sign you can leave on the door to prevent the maid from coming in and bothering a vampire guest, like a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. You wouldn’t even have to change the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign ’cause, you know, it serves exactly the same purpose.

Larry and Jason go out to get a truck. Anita says he can’t go because… have you not learnt to shut up yet?  Lawrence says he’ll shoot at anyone that gets in his way until he gets back. Anita huffs and accepts this.

I have only like, twenty chapters to go. I’m feeling surprisingly chipper about it. I’m not quite sure why. It’s been dull and borderline offensive.

If you would like to be cheered up, I suggest visiting The Vagenda, an excellent feminist magazine I’ve just discovered that is wonderful, insightful, and seriously funny. Well worth a read.

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One thought on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter eighteen

  1. “Branson used to be part of the St. Louis territory but now isn’t and everyone thinks that JC is very weak because of this.”

    I’m betting the frilly shirts aren’t helping matters.

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