A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter fifteen


I’d gotten used to the sawed-off shotgun that I had at home. Yeah, it is illegal, but it’s easy to carry and makes mincemeat out of vampires.

Why does a shotgun make mincemeat out of a vampire? Great – you fire one, and now you’ve got an angry vampire you’ve just fired holes into. Shotguns don’t contain magic shot that rips massive holes in people, not unless you fire them at reeeeeeeeeaaaaallllly close range.

Sawed-off shotguns are also not strictly illegal in the United States. They are illegal for private citizens, sure – unless you have a tax-paid registration of $200 dollars to allow you to possess one. The simple fact that Anita can’t be bothered to just get a licence to carry a sawed-off shotgun makes me very cross very early into the chapter.

Lawrence whines about not having a shotgun. Anita says to this man four years younger than herself that he can have one when he can actually use a gun properly. The police officers, understandably, question this. Anita laughs at them and gives them the rules of vampire killing.

“Remember the three rules of vampire hunting. One: Never, ever look them in the eyes. Two: Never, ever give up your cross. Three: Aim for the head and heart. Even with silver ammo, it won’t be a killing blow anywhere else.”

Thus making the sawed-off shotgun completely and entirely pointless. She then sighs and thinks about how all the men around her could totally kick her ass without trying.

That contradicts THE VERY LAST CHAPTER. JFC CAN YOU NOT READ BACK OVER THE WORK IN YOUR LAST CHAPTER.

Heck, we could all go inside. Have a nice cup of cocoa. Tell the Quinlans their little girl would be fine. I mean, liquid diets are in with teens. Right?

Yes, eating disorders are funny.

There is then a page dedicated to Anita describing what it’s like walking through the dark in a forest. Walking mind, not tracking. She does not mention tracking – the excuse for this bullshit – once. She’s just tramping around with a flashlight all over the tracks, defeating the purpose of why they’re trying to find a vampire in the middle of the night.

“Yell a little louder,” Wallace said. “I don’t think the vampire heard you.”

“I don’t need no statie telling me how to do my job.” [i have no idea who said this]

“It knows we’re here,” I said. […] “Even if the vampire is only a few weeks old, its hearing is incredibly acute. It knows we’re here. It knows we’re coming. It doesn’t matter if we’re quiet or have a brass band. It’s all the same. We won’t surprise it in the dark.”

Then, pray tell me, why are you even bothering to try and hunt down the vampire in the dark. The vampire is in its element – it can run superfast, has strength, can fly, can see in the dark, and knows exactly where you are. You, blundering humans, are relying on limited light, are making a racket, have people who want to fight each other rather than the vampire, and are led by a raging egotist with a serious personality disorder. Why not wait until the daytime, when the vampire is pretty much helpless? Makes this whole business much easier. Makes no sense to be vampire hunting at night.

There’s some wind and Anita says that they’re just going to kill the vampire. No questioning, no evidence, just a straight up execution without knowing whether the creature to be executed is guilty. Look, if your modern series has justice that would be frowned upon by medieval judicial systems, you ain’t doing it right.

A figure stepped in front of us. One minute nothing, the next there he was. Darkness and shadows, magic.

Poetic. The vampire jumps forward and grabs the gun of Sergeant St. John (yeah, he’s here) and Anita shoots the vampire in the chest. The vampire collapsed to the ground so Anita shoots his head off.

Lawrence, meanwhile, has been pinned to the ground by a vampire with long brown hair. A vampire with long blonde hair has grabbed someone called Granger. Anita appears to blow this vampire’s head off, but as she talks about Lawrence then Granger, Hamilton’s prose proves itself to be messy and difficult to follow again. Granger may be dead, but Anita doesn’t bother to check. Wallace has a vampire on top of him and then Coltrain has a blade pushed through his throat. Lawrence tries to shoot a vampire, but Anita tries to confiscate the gun – because…. fuck you, that’s why – and gets flash attacked by a vampire.

The vampires go now. Granger is still alive but Coltrain is now decapitated. Yeah, knife through the throat, having your head cut off with a whacking great big sword, the exact same thing. Anita talks about sensing a ancient vampire but she’s cut off as Granger rises up as a puppet of the ancient vampire and tries to kill Lawrence. Anita shoots him in the head.

And then there is the sound of a woman screaming and a dog barking. With all the police officers gone from the house, leaving the family unprotected, the vampires have used the opportunity to attack the remaining family members.

Nice job killing everyone, Anita.

The ‘heroes’ rush back to the Quinlan’s home and the poodle is dead, which makes me very sad. The Quinlans are guarding themselves with crosses against a skeleton. St. John is firing at the brown-haired vampire from the forest, since it’s killed his wife. Then time jumps and the vampires go. The brown-haired one is very dead.

Jeff Quinlan has been taken by the vampires.

“If his faith had been stronger, he wouldn’t have given in,” Quinlan said.

“It wasn’t your son’s fault.”

Quinlan shook his head. “He wasn’t strong enough.”

Okay I get it, your first names are ‘dumb Christian stereotype’. Anita actually can’t be bothered to argue with him, so instead stares at St. John cradling the body of his dead wife while singing ‘You are so beautiful to me’. Anita walks away from the house, then thinks, then comes back, declaring herself to be so brave.

You got everyone killed by your ridiculous ego trip to try and find the murderer in the middle of the night. You are not brave. You are dumb.

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12 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter fifteen

  1. Why is she in charge? She is an executioner but she has no warrant of execution here. Vampires are legal citizens, you need a warrant to execute them unless they are in the process of killing them when you run into them. For all she knows, the vampire she plans on killing on sight could just be a friend of the vampire boyfriend who has no idea that the girl is dead.
    But seriously, the only reason I can come up with for her being in charge is ‘the author says so’. She wasn’t called up here for the case, she was just asked to give a second opinion because she was in the area. Surely the police have protocols for situations for this. It feels like the story skipped the part where she threatened the police with gruesome death if they didn’t follow her.

    • Because the author says so appears to be the only reason why most things happen in these books. Logical explanations for events? We don’t need no logical explanations for events!

    • Can’t you see? Anita thinks so little of the police around her that it’s okay to carry an illegal firearm – they’ll never notice, they’re so dumb! – possible LKH explanation.

  2. people are getting killed because of Anita’s idiocy and she still gets called in by the police. She is so unaffected by the death and destruction she’s caused that I believed she was meant to a sociopath. Why does she feel no guilt or trauma due to the horrific things she has to deal with? It doesn’t make any sense!

    • It always amuses me how in later books Anita starts to think she might be a sociopath because killing doesn’t bother her, but she never stops to think she might be one because of how she treats everyone around her like they are her puppets and she is their perfect god-queen.

      Really, sociopath might not cover it. Sociopaths can often recognize in others the emotions and empathy they don’t have themselves, it’s what makes them good at pretending to be charming. Anita seems unable to manage even that much.

  3. I vote we just make up a new disorder to desribe her. Anitapathy, or Hamilton’s Disorder, or something.

  4. I think the one thing that pisses me off the most is authors (well anyone really) making fun of eating disorders. As someone who struggled with her weight for most of her teenage years (I’m 18 now and finally at a healthy weight and BMI) it really annoys me when people think it’s so funny to talk about unhealthy eating habits (that includes ‘liquid diets’ LKH, my best friend was on one and got extremely sick) like they’re just another silly thing that teenagers do. They’re not funny. They’re scary and unhealthy and destructive. So fuck you Anita.

    • My thoughts exactly. Eating disorders should not be the butt of a dumb joke, saying ‘hee hee stupid teenagers’ and not ‘hee hee stupid media encouraging a narrow ideal of beauty that is unachievable by most and ignores the idiosyncratic beauty held by all’.

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