A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter fourteen


Anita goes outside and sniffs all the air. She sniffs it all over. Wonderful air.

Ellie Quinlan’s windows shone like a soft yellow beacon. Ellie had opened the windows, but her father had turned on the lights. She had met her vampire lover in darkness. The better not to see him for the walking corpse he was.

Yeah, because she must have been entirely unaware that her vampire partner was not a vampire.

Anita changed back into her overalls, but they’re unzipped most of the way (like a catsuit) so she can get to her guns. I guess carrying a useful holster wouldn’t allow her to inject much needed SEXINESS into her work clothes. She’s also shoved another gun into her pocket because that’s safe. Lawrence is wearing a shoulder holster and he’s fidgeting with it.

It’s sort of like a bra. They fit and they are necessary, but they are never completely comfortable.

Bullshit.

If your bra is uncomfortable then it means that you have a bra that does not properly fit you. Bras are not meant to be uncomfortable – Christ, you have to wear one for like fourteen hours a day, they have to be nice and roomy or you’re up shit creek with unsupported breasts. I’m guessing that Anita’s breasts are ssoooooooo big that bras can’t fit her, and for once I feel sorry for her if that’s the case. American bra companies are notorious for refusing to acknowledge women who have fulsome fun bags. But as an underwear addict, I make sure that I wear well-fitting nice bras to avoid feeling that I’m wearing something awful and itchy all my life. So I’m always comfortable in my breast cages NYAH NYAH.

Two police officers show up to help track a vampire in the middle of the night and takes the time to shine their flashlights in Anita and Lawrence’s eyes to blind them. Because, you know, professionalism.

Anita asks them to turn off the flashlights. This turns into a fight. You see, she manages to imply that a police officer is afraid of the dark which is apparently his beserk button and then everyone is insulting each other and a police officer lifts Lawrence in the air and the C/O tells him to calm down.

Wallace nearly put his face nose to nose with Larry. “I-am-not-afraid-of-anything.” Each word was squeezed out.

I stepped up close to him. He was bent down to intimidate Larry, so I could whisper in his ear. “Nice scar, Wallace.”

He jumped like I’d bit him. He released Larry so suddenly that Larry stumbled. He whirled, one big hand raised to smash my face. At least he’d let go of Larry.

Why is it that whenever Anita gets involved in something, a fight starts?

Anita whops Wallace’s ass – because she is TEH GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL ANITA BLAKE – and beats him to the ground. The other cop is like ‘Yeah, girl fight good’ and casually admits that Wallace’s very first partner was murdered by a vampire. This all makes it okay for Anita to attack him. This makes it okay for Wallace to attack Larry. This makes it okay for me to want to rip this book into shreds.

Wallace is impressed with how well she attacked him, but keeps his flashlight on. Anita rolls her eyes at him and is all ‘ugh, how awful it is that someone is obviously traumatised by the death of a close friend needs a comforting presence as we go out at the very worst time we possibly could to track a vampire!’. Empathy is for pussies.

I had to know if I could depend on him. If he stayed this scared, I couldn’t.

Fuck off Anita. Grow some compassion.

She tries asking him about what happened but Wallace says that she may be in charge, he’ll do as he’s told, but he don’t have to answer squat.

I always like it when people sass back to Anita and generally get in her way, stopping her stupid entitlement party parade.

Anita does not like this, so she unbuttons all her clothes, grabs Wallace’s hands and makes him stroke all her scars to make him talk. Please, Anita, stop making people touch your scars. Just stop it. STOP IT.

Wallace tells his heart rending tale, which ends with the head of the vampire who killed his partner being sent in a box to the police station, and him asking why vampires can’t feed on animals.

“Theoretically, yes. In practice it seems to lack certain nutrients.” Truth was, feeding was too close to sex for most vamps. They weren’t into bestiality, so they didn’t feed off animals.

  • So vampires are too lazy to feed off animals and not kill people? Wow, real sympathetic characters you got there.
  • Don’t speak for all of them, Anita. There have to be vampires into bestiality somewhere.
  • DO NOT BRING UP THE BESTIALITY PORN. NEVER EVER EVER.

Wallace then makes a big deal about how ooooh Anita is scared and Anita is all like ‘It’s my job so i’m always scared when i go out to hunt vampires AT NIGHT WHEN THEY CAN KILL ME but i will judge you for your fear aha’.

When I am a published author I will write Laurell K. Hamilton a lot of letters and demand that she answer why her writing is so poor.

Here is a picture of a pug dressed as Thorin to cheer everyone up.

 

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5 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter fourteen

  1. Better not to seem his as the corpse he was? What, like all those vampire strippers in GP that danced under strobe lights were totally repulsive to the ground? or how about your fixation on JC’s nipples?

    “Anita does not like this, so she unbuttons all her clothes, grabs Wallace’s hands and makes him stroke all her scars to make him talk.” WHAT

    The bit about animals totally contradicts canon too. Anita’s mentioned that small animals like guinea pigs are kept on hand for when new vampires first wake up, and we later meet a vampire who is rotting from the inside out because he tried to subsist on animal blood alone. Both of which also contradict each other kinda, but still both also contradict what she’s saying.

  2. I was so full of rage at the unending stream of madness and hypocrisy that is this series, but then a pug dressed like Thorin made everything okay in the world. Look at his little fur coat! It’s silly because he has his own fur.

  3. “I-am-not-afraid-of-anything.” Each word was squeezed out.

    Okay, that seems contradictory. The way that’s formatted, I’d assume all those words ran together. But with the description, it sounds like he’s emphasizing each word. Guess I should chalk that up to LKH’s bad writing.

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