A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twelve


While we waited for the court order, I talked to the family. Not my favourite thing to do, but necessary. This hadn’t been a random attack, which meant they probably knew the vampire, or had known him before he died.

Oh yeah. Because every seventeen year old tells their parents about their much older lover. It’s not like she lied to them to go upstairs to have sex with him – oh, wait. That’s exactly what Miss Ellie the Corpse did. I don’t think they knew what she was doing. I also don’t think that it’s wise to let Anita near victim’s families.

There is a very long description of the family – husband, wife, son, poodle – before Anita unleashes herself upon them.

The parents immediately ask if Anita has staked their daughter yet (like the law tells her to) as her immortal soul is in ‘jeopardy’. They’re Catholics, like Anita used to be, and when they want their dead daughter to be staked to save her soul, Anita tells them all about the gruesome business of staking. Because, you know, respecting people’s beliefs is silly.

“I will put a stake through her heart and chop off her heard.” I left the fact that most of my executions were done with a shotgun now, at close range. It was messy and you needed a closed coffin, but it was a lot easier on me and a quicker death for the vampire.

It’s not only cruel to taunt the family with how you’ll dispatch their daughter, it’s petty. I know you don’t want to do it, but guess what? The family get the final say. It’s also very silly to go on about how shotguns kill vampires when we all know that is daft. If vampires can be taken out with just a shotgun blast, it’s a wee bit pointless to have specialised vampire executioners when you could just have police SWAT teams.

Anita ignores how upset she’s made the family and asks if the poodle barks at strangers. The poodle, ‘Raven’ darkness dementia, barks at everyone who comes in the house. This night, Raven barked like crazy until Ellie let the dog into her room just after dark. You know, I don’t think my dog would notice if someone slunk into my room when she was downstairs. Then again, she might. Siouxsie, my terrier, is a white dog, while this Raven is black. Traditionally, white animals are sensitive to the presence of supernatural creatures.

The family found Ellie’s body as Raven barked at the door but the girl wouldn’t let her in. Even when Ellie needed her privacy, Raven would be let in. This makes it sound like Ellie is content to let the dog come in when she’s having sex with her vampiric partner which creeps me out. No dog needs to see that. They’re precious and innocent creatures!

The father goes on about how Ellie is ‘unclean’ as Hamilton lacks the ability to write characters who are not huge, cliché ridden stereotypes. Anita huffs at them and mulls on how Lawrence memorises everything she says and does.

… since when?

Anita talks about how it wasn’t murder (because killing someone is never murder – and hang on, weren’t you going on about how she had been drained but not fed on so that made it murder? SCREW CONSISTENCY) as the father says his daughter wouldn’t have let in her murderer (because he’s in denial). She gets called ‘miss’ one more time and this triggers her into telling the parents how Ellie was clearly in a relationship with a vampire.

The father decides to throw her from the house. Okay, maybe this guy isn’t as bad as he seems on the page.

Anita ignores this and asks whether any people have gone missing lately. Miss Ellie the Corpse’s ex-boyfriend Andy has gone missing, after the father said she couldn’t see him anymore. The dude smoked a little pot, which made him a TOTES EVIL CRIMINAL.  She decides to leave, after upsetting everyone and getting nowhere.

I closed the door, feeling cowardly. I was glad it wasn’t my job to hold the Quinlans’ hands. Facing the vampire even in the dark didn’t seem so bad in comparison.

Anita, you are lower than a snake’s bollocks.

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7 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter twelve

  1. Or set her pet zombies on you – ‘No, I haven’t seen her since we met in the graveyard, officer. I don’t know where she could have gone.’
    Or maybe her pet vampire.

    • “I just can’t explain the mysterious red stains in their house, Dolph. How dare you question me, anyway! I’m the Great and All Powerful Anita Blake!”

  2. “No Dolph, just because Jean-Claude was seen entering the house after I told him they had filed a lawsuit against me, and now they’re all dead with bites on their necks, doesn’t mean that a vampire did this. You’re just prejudiced against vampires and you don’t trust what I say because I’m a woman who’s not white-bread enough!”
    “Alright Anita, obviously this wasn’t vampires if our vampire expert says so, despite your obvious conflict of interests. I’m incompetent enough not to realise that bite marks mean it was a vampire. It must have been a hate group.”

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