A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter eleven

Larry is panicking in the car because he might have to see another dead body. Yes, this is coming from the man who raises dead bodies for a living. Anita says she could drop him back at the hotel, but he then refuses. Whatever, stay inconsistent dude.

“Tell me about vampires, Anita. I thought they couldn’t drink enough blood in one night to kill someone.”

I don’t think Anita’s the person you should be asking. Her knowledge of vampires stretches to the fact that they have pointy teeth and may try to hump you.

“They told us in college that a vampire couldn’t drain a human being with one bite. Are you saying that’s not true?”

No, vampires are actually vacuum cleaners, capable of drinking seven pints of liquid in one single suck. Lawrence, did you never think of a) not blindly accepting what your university handlers told you and doing your own research (which should be a significant proportion of a degree) and b) maintaining high levels of research as you went into the career of vampire hunting? Surely, like any professional, you have a journal produced for your sphere that you can read and learn from. Oh, wait, there has been one mentioned in the books. Why the fuck don’t you pick up a copy and read it?

“They can’t drink a human dry with one bite, in one night, but they can drain one with one bite.”

He frowned at me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

They attach a hose to the human victim.

“They can pierce the flesh and drain the blood without drinking it.”

“How?” he asked.

Oh, I don’t know Lawrence. With a knife. With a stick. With a spear. With a tuning fork. With those large sharp teeth that vampires use to pierce human skin in order to drink their blood.

“Just put the fangs in, start the blood flow, and let the blood fall down your body onto the ground.”

“But that’s not taking the blood for food, that’s just murder,” Larry said.

You don’t make a character sound intelligent by making all characters around them stupid. It breaks the necessary suspension of disbelief – I can believe in vampires, I can believe in zombies, I cannot believe that all members of authority are so unanimously lacking in good sense and basic intellect.

Anita and Lawrence drive to the crime scene and like, it’s totally poor and stuff. The road is small, the bridge is small, and there is little light. I guess that’s why those car things have lights on the front of them. They get to the scene and the cop guarding the perimeter questions her and stares at Lawrence.

If I’d had a gun hidden in my lap, I could have fed it to him. He was big, and I bet sheer size saw him through a lot, but it was careless. Guns don’t care how big you are.

Why must you threaten to shoot and kill everyone around you, Anita?

“You got a problem?” I asked.

He gave a smile, but it was sour. He shook his head. “It’s our case. I don’t think we need any help; that includes you.”

For once, the stupid doesn’t bother me. But that incorrectly used semi-colon really pisses me off. I love the semi-colon; rather pathetically, it’s my favourite punctuation mark because it dies discordant thoughts together. I guess it’s the Angela Carter and Margaret Atwood rubbing off on me, both of them prolific worshippers of the semi-colon. That should have been a dash. The semi-colon cuts off the phrase and makes it awkward.

Anita then curses him in her head for calling her ‘miss’ when Deputy Coltrain CLEARLY thought that she was a detective. Yeah, whatever Anita. Whatever. The pair go into the house, which is full of police, and Anita greets the… I’m not sure why the woman is at the scene. Beth is the wife of the sheriff, who is with the body. She takes Anita and Lawrence to them, past a big wall of pictures that take up three hundred words of plot.

They are ushered into the room and Beth disappears. Sheriff St. John notices that Anita is not officially a member of the police and that Lawrence has been smuggled in. Anita says that she is who she is and the sheriff accepts it. He’s very happy to have Anita tell him what’s what, and he is Approved Of.

The wallpaper was all pink roses, big old-fashioned cabbage roses. There was an honest-to-God vanity, with a raised mirror and everything, that looked like it might be antique, but everything else was white wicker and pink lace. It looked like a room for a much younger girl.

Uh oh – signs of feminancy?!? ANITA DISLIKES THIS.

The victim is indeed female, with pink sheets, and pink curtains and pink everything because that’s what’s important. The girl has several bites, but seeing as there are no large pools of blood on the pink I’m guessing she was killed somewhere else.

She was still almost wearing the black teddy she’d started the night in. The straps had been pushed down her shoulders, exposing small, well-formed breasts. The crotch had been ripped out, or was one of the ones that snapped open because the bottom was pushed up nearly to her waist until the teddy was little more than a belt. With her legs spread wide, she was completely exposed.

That, more than anything, pissed me off. He could have at least covered her up, not left her like some whore. It was arrogant and cruel.

Whores are bad, mmmkay?

And who is the ‘he’ that you are cross at? If you’re crossed at the sheriff, he’s only doing his job. Until the forensic team arrive, he cannot tamper with the body. If you’re cross at the murderer, it’s a little silly to assume that the murderer was male. The dead girl may have had a female, mixed sex, undecided or transgender lover. Anita declares it to be murder, even if the girl consented.

… she’s dead, Anita. There ain’t no way of getting away with that.

The sheriff thinks that the girl simply got into bed and was killed by a vampire. St. John, the girl is wearing thick makeup and a teddy with a unbuttonable crotch. That is not a ‘I’m bloody exhausted and I’m going to drop off like a sack of potatoes’ look. That is a ‘I’m desperate for a fuck’ look.

The sheriff can only believe that Miss Ellie the Corpse was raped. And what’s more, the family want her staked before she rises vampire. Anita splutters about how this is murder! Even though it is standard accepted procedure to automatically stake a corpse found to have been killed by vampires in the state of Missouri. This was introduced in book two, and I am not letting it go, ever.

Anita bitches at the sheriff about how Ellie the Corpse’s parents can’t make decisions about what happens to her (Ellie was a minor and their child so uh, yeah, I think they do) and that she won’t do it without a court order of execution. Shame that isn’t the law introduced in this universe.

She will kill the murderer. She’s going to hunt ‘him’ down, because I think it is silly to presume on the identity of the killer. They decide to go out and hunt the vampire this night, when he’s powerful and on the move.

That is a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid plan.

[Corpse girl]’d been studying calculus before she put on her makeup and black teddy. Shit.

… oh no, maths?


3 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter eleven

  1. I would assume that the girl had a vampire boyfriend/girlfriend who got carried away during sexytimes, and then ran away because he/she knew that he/she would be executed. I would not assume it was a vampire that had to be killed right that minute because it was so dangerous, which is the only reason for vamp hunting in the dark. Anita’s stupidity makes my brain hurt. Even though I know she’ll be right.

    Also, why is it her choice whether or not the corpse gets staked? Why does Anita have to get the final choice on anything and everything?

    • It’s her choice, apparently, because she has to do it. Yeah, that gives her authority over the wishes of the family.

      I swear, she’s on her way to becoming an evil overlord.

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