A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter five


Stirling and Anita get back to the construction site, and there are a few people dotted about, doing nothing.

Larry and the pilot stood to one side, smoking, sharing that camradery of all people who are determined to blacken their lungs.

Camaraderie. That spelling is… okay, it’s accepted, but I have never seen it spelt like that.

And this is a pet peeve, but it really annoys me when people criticise people who smoke. I grew up with smokers. It isn’t a big deal to me if someone decides to smoke – it’s the smokers choice. You may not like smoking, but going around saying ‘you’re gonna get black lung!’ or ‘you’re gonna get cancer!’ when they already know that is pointless and needlessly bitchy. As long as they don’t smoke around you, why should you care? (Well, unless they’re a family member and you care about them. Or a friend. But even then, telling them they’re going to die is decidedly impolite)

TL;DR don’t be an arsehole Anita.

She calls up Dolph and he’s got three dead bodies and he doesn’t know what to do the blood won’t come out – no, there’s three bodies twenty five miles from Anita’s location.

“Missouri State Highway Patrol has this one. Sergeant Freemont is the investigator in charge. She doesn’t think it was a vampire because the bodies are cut up. Pieces of the bodies are missing. I had to do a lot of tap dancing to get that much information out of her. Sergeant Freemont seems convinced that RPIT is going to come in and steal all the glory. She was particularly worried about our headline-stealing pet zombie queen.”

“It’s the pet part that I mind the most,” I said. “But she sounds charming.”

It’s the fact that this doesn’t sound like a case for Anita to consult on that I mind the most. Three dead people with bits missing sounds like a serial killer, not any supernatural entity so far encountered in this universe. Freemont just might be pissed because she’s got to deal with Anita on a stressful serial killer case. And the psychological profiler is a little bit iffy…

There is talk of giving Anita an official badge by making her a federal marshal. I cannot imagine a worse idea.

Dolph is having problems of his own – he’s got a vampire victim, and he’d like Anita to look at it. Apparently, everyone else on the RPIT squad just twirled around in circles and stared at walls, unable to comprehend anything. Anita asks whether Freddy ‘Dead body’ Summers has any other bite marks on his body. Dolph says he’s got healed ones. Anita deduces he had a vampire lover.

“It never occurred to me that a vampire could be someone’s nearest and dearest,” Dolph said.

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WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID

WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID

WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID

I THINK I NEED TO MAKE FUN OF JC

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LOOK AT THIS TWATWAFFLE DO BUSINESS IN A FRILLY SHIRT THAT OPENS TO HIS NAVEL. HIS PECS ARE TOO BIG FOR HIS SHOULDERS. I MEAN CHRIST, WHAT A KNOB.

Dolph gives Anita directions (she’s finally figured out that sometimes it’s prudent to note things down) and Dolph tries to advise her to be nice. She doesn’t take the hint.

I didn’t like being out here in unfamiliar territory with unfamiliar police, and partially eaten victims.

Who said the victims were partially eaten? They have bits missing, but it doesn’t make my Hannibal reference any more relevant. Anita goes on about how the other vampire executioners are so dumb in comparison, and she has a college degree (oh, well done. That makes you a friggin’ super genius) and how vampire executioners all stick within the law. HA.

I’d been screaming about vamps being monsters for years. But until a senator’s daughter got herself attacked just a few weeks ago, no body did shit. Now suddenly it’s a cause celebre.

Oh yeah, because no one thought vampires were monsters until Anita turned up, and there were no laws concerning vampires, and there were no specialised people dedicated to stopping vampires going around killing people, and Anita Blake is the only one every doing anything. Except OH NO WAIT THAT’S ALL BULLSHIT. It’s clear that people have been worried about vampires before Anita Blake thumped her way into killing them.

There had been some talk about cutting off their arms and legs would allow us to keep vamps in jail. This was vetoed mainly on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment. It also wouldn’t have worked, not for the really old vampires. It isn’t just their bodies that are dangerous.

Besides, I didn’t believe in torture.

Juts being a mean bitch who likes to kill people in painful ways while spouting sexist, ableist or racist sentiments. No, the moral highground is all yours.

Stirling offers Anita a driver and a car. wooo.

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2 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter five

  1. She does get grandfathered in as a federal marshal.

    …it goes about as well as you’d expect Anita with a badge to go. Not that she’s recognized in-universe as the disaster she is, of course.

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