A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter two


Animators Inc. get the lucrative contract because, as previously discussed, Anita has the super speshul powers. She’s going to be flying out with a Mr. Lionel Bayard.

“Who’s Lionel Bayard?”

“A junior partner in the firm of Beadle, Beadle, Stirling, and Lowenstein. He likes the sound of his own voice. Don’t give him a rough time about it.”

“Who, me?”

“Anita, don’t tease the help. He may be wearing a three-thousand-dollar suit, but he’s still the help.”

Um, isn’t being a junior partner kind of a big deal? It means he’s a senior employee, not a base-level grunt.

Bert then warns Anita to not tease the bosses and she laughs about it because ha ha ha being cruel to your boss is the name of the Anita Blake game.

Anita packs her suitcase, and decides to visit Richard at his school. Well, not before we get some amazing suitcase advice.

If you pack extra underwear and clothes that mix and match, you can live for a week out of a small suitcase.

She also packs a lot of guns. Sounds fun. She then worries about what she’s going to wear, which is dangerously feminine for Anita, then remembers she’ll wear overalls for the ceremony anyway so it doesn’t matter. This took up a page. A pointless page. She then goes on about how difficult it is to look leggy when you’re five foot three – you have to wear short skirts, otherwise it’s IMPOSSIBLE – because we have to be reminded in every single book that she’s short.

That’s Kristen Chenoweth looking rather leggy. She’s four foot eleven.

Here’s Anna Friel looking leggy. She’s five foot three, like Anita. And not wearing a short skirt.

So, SHUT UP ANITA.

She then puts on makeup (and UGH you guise, makeup sucks) then complains about how she can’t wear her watch.

The present watch was a man’s black diving watch that looked out of place on my small wrist. But hey, it glowed in the dark if you pressed a button. It showed me the date, what day it was, and could time a run. I hadn’t found a woman’s watch that could do that.

….

  1. I wore a man’s watch for six years when I was in secondary school. No one said anything, because it was practical. And I think I may have even smaller wrists than you, Anita, seeing as mine are only just six inches wide. So stop going on about how teeny tiny you are, it ain’t impressive.
  2. Really, all items made for women are entirely impractical? Bullshit.

That’s a female diving watch. And it doesn’t look much different from a male one. So, this all just underlines three things;

  1. Stuff for women is stupid and useless because women don’t need to do anything practical.
  2. Anita is amazing because she does practical manly things.
  3. Anita is teeny tiny, and therefore better than other women because she does masculine things but is ten times more feminine looking than we are.

Anita says how she’s scared of flying because she was on a plane that plunged several thousand feet in seconds. A air stewardess ended up being flung against the ceiling. Okay, this is implausible for several reasons; if the plane dropped that fast and that amount of distance, the G force on the plane would be immense and it is very likely that some of the passengers would die. It happens on planes that drop 1000 ft in a second, so you’re lucky to be alive, Anita. And I don’t believe that the stewardess would be stuck to the ceiling. I really can’t believe that.

Anita drives to Richard’s school, past the spring flowers which, although unseen, surely wither and die in her wake. She walks bold as brass into the school which, uh, you ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO. People are not allowed to drop in and visit people unannounced in the middle of the school day. You have to set an appointment, go through reception, and not arrive in the middle of a fucking lesson. It’s to prevent crazy people with suitcases stuffed with guns marching into schools and shooting kids.

Richard was showing something in a textbook to a young girl. She was blonde, wearing a flannel shirt over a black dress that was three sizes too big for her. She was wearing what looked like black combat boots with heavy white socks rolled over the tops of them. The outfit was very now. The look of adoration on her face was not. She was shiny and eager just because Mr. Zeeman was giving her some one-on-one help.

Of course, the student with a crush on Richard is a young blonde girl. It could be a hispanic male, could it? That would ruin Richard’s all-American yet Europeanness.

Anita spends a lot of time talking about how good looking Richard is, and about how hawt he is, and makes no mention of loving him for his warm heart or personality (not that he has either of those things). She debates running in and just ripping off his clothes, which naturally segues into how he’s a massive werewolf and how the school can’t now as they’ll fire him.

It’s illegal to discriminate against someone for a disease, but everyone does it. Why should the educational system be different?

OK, I resent the idea that absolutely everyone in the Anita Blake universe hates lycanthropes so steadfastly. I don’t like how Anita thinks it’s okay to be prejudiced because everyone is prejudiced! Bullshit. And, uh, yeah, the education system – like any other system of government – can’t afford to be discriminatory as the teaching union would destroy them through the legal system for being bigoted arseholes.

Richard strokes Anita’s face. Guess he’s forgiven her for all those murders he was pissed off about. He then leaves class to make out with his girlfriend. Now, that’s something that would get him fired. She tells him about leaving town to be cruel to lawyers. Girls in the class give Anita dirty looks, to prove how much better than everyone she is. Lordy, this is getting tiring. They talk a little about JC and Richard pouts about it all. Justifiably, I might add. Anita whines about how her life is sooo complicated and how she may have to be raped by a vampire.

Just don’t date him. Break into the daytime layer where he sleeps in the day and kill him.

I couldn’t date both of them indefinitely. The sexual tension alone was killing me.

Then simply dump JC and carry on with Richard. Bingo. Solution.

This was a very bad chapter. Bloody Bones has not been very good so far.

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2 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter two

  1. As a tall blonde I’m starting to get just how much Anita would hate me if we ever met in real life. Then again, the feeling is mutual.

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