A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter one


A new week, a new Anita Blake book to review. And I’m starting this one pissed, as my favourite summer jeans have got a hole in the leg and I may have to buy new ones. Denim is just so difficult to patch up.

It was St. Patrick’s Day, and the only green I was wearing was a button that read, “Pinch me and you’re dead meat.”

I see that Hamilton still has failed to learn the difference between quote marks and direct speech marks. And do people really pinch you on St. Patrick’s Day? I have never experienced it, or people doing it without an indication that it’s okay. Either way, it’s just another way for Anita Blake to shit all over people’s happiness. Happiness is for losers. She also says that she was wearing a green shirt earlier which, I’m sorry, is a sign that you are a willing participant of any Paddy’s Day shenanigans. Don’t wear the green if you’re just going to take a shit on people.

Anita talks about how much she just lurrrrvvveessss to wear black and how much she lurrrrvvvessss to drink her coffee black.

I get it, Anita’s cool.

She sits at her desk in her office looking at some pictures of graveyards which have been dug up.  There are lots of bloody bones, which makes this a very early title drop.

There was probably an art gallery in New York that would hang the damn things and serve cheese and wine while people walked around saying, “Powerful, don’t you think? Very powerful.”

How dare art have meaning. Tch!

Look, I dislike pretension as much as anyone else. What I object to is how Anita is constantly negative towards everything in her life and world. There is no reason for her anger. Her life, aside from the tragic death of her mother, has been relatively normal. I don’t understand why she is so furious and unhappy with everything. And without reasons, she cannot develop, and therefore cannot grow as a character. Which means that she’s a failure from a narrative standpoint.

Bert has called Anita into the office when there’s no one else there and she’s cross at this secrecy. The photos are from a two hundred year old cemetery (even though Anita described the photos as having fresh bodies on the previous page, but whatever) and wants to know whether Anita can raise them from the grave. Anita goes around the question, saying she’ll need names but she’s the grand poobah of raising the dead so she’ll do it. Beadle, Beadle, Stirling, and Lowenstein, a law company who needs to change their name, are representing people buying the land where the cemetery is and need to know if it’s the family lot of the family reluctantly giving it up.

Anita has to raise all the corpses to see which ones are Bouviers. She complains about doing it, but we know that she can raise entire cemeteries. It’s happened in the books, Anita, don’t be modest now. Bert’s company are locked in a bidding war with two rival resurrection companies over who gets to murder two innocent people to talk to some old bones. Not that it’s going to go anywhere, as Anita’s super speshul powers mean that she’s the only one in the world who can do it anyway.

So *raspberry noise*.

Bert says they’ll come get her in a private helicopter, which seems… weird, and Anita bitches.

It is depressing how often action can be summarised as ‘and then Anita bitches’.

She also bitches over who will go with her – Lawrence, or John Burke.

WHY CAN’T YOU BE NICE ANITA. WHY. DOES IT PHYSICALLY PAIN YOU TO BE NICE? YOU COMPLAIN MORE THAN ME! AND MY FRIENDS SAY I COMPLAIN TOO MUCH TO MY FACE!

“I always behave myself, Bert.”

Oh, fuck off Anita.

This was not a good start.

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3 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Bloody Bones’ chapter one

  1. Just thought you should know that you now fill the role of “incredibly sarcastic narrator” in my dreams when I’m bitching about stupid shit. “There’s these things called drinking fountains. You push the button and water magically comes out so you can take a drink… Why are you not pushing the button? Look, we all know you’re about to throw yourself into Hell, but if you’re really thirsty, PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON! There’s no drinking fountains in Hell, so take two seconds to GET A FUCKING DRINK! Or at least quit bitching.”
    May not have been the exact words from the dream, but I at least got the gist of it there.

  2. Even in Micah which is what? Book eleventy million? She’s still having the same stupid, stupid whinges over things as simple as her boyfriend booking them a nice hotel room for their vacation.

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