A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Lunatic Cafe’ chapter forty


Anita, Edward and… Richard, still with them, arrive at Kaspar’s house. He welcomes them in gratefully and then SURPRISE.

It was Titus. He stood in the doorway leading to the kitchen, a gun in his hand. “Don’t anybody move,” he said. His southern accent was [as] thick as corn pone.

Aikensen stepped out of the door leading to the rest of the house. He had another big Magnum in his hand.

I could do with a big magnum right now.

“You buy those by the caseload?” I asked.

“I liked your threat on the phone. It got me hot.”

Of course it did, because this is hack writing.

Another guy comes in, waving a gun around, and Edward, Richard and Anita put their hands on their heads. All of this could have been avoided if Anita had just phoned the police beforehand. It turns out that Kaspar is the mastermind behind all this, organising lycanthrope hunts as recompense for his state. He was cursed to turn into a swan by a witch so he could learn a lesson. So, he kills werewolves because he’s jealous.

OK, the Kaspar twist was good, I didn’t see it coming. The reason is stupid though.

I thought about calling him a bastard, but it wouldn’t help. Seven people had died because this son of a bitch didn’t like being a bird.

Anita threatens to revenge, because I’m sure that’s her autopiloted response. The three ‘heroes’ are searched for weapons. One really enjoys patting Richard down, while another grabs Anita’s breasts. Anita smashes her elbow into his face – her violence is, for once, deserved. Titus and Aikensen, who got elbowed, have a spat for unknown reasons and Aikensen threatens Anita. If I had a pound for every threat in this book, I’d be a rich, rich woman.

Titus searches Anita and Edward and they swap banter about heroes, evilness and threats. They then announce that are three ‘heroes’ are going to be part of the hunt. If they get away from the hunters, they can go to the police and turn them in. Yeah, right. As if. The ‘heroes’ are taken into the basement and shoved into cages, next to the missing Jason. Anita gets put in Jason’s cage, so that when he changes into a wolf he’ll either rape her or eat her. Fun.

“You’ve held out for a long time, Jason,” Kaspar said, “but the moon is rising. Smell her fear, Jason. Smell her body. You know you want her.”

I get it. ‘Rape, rape, rape, rape, evil men like to rape’.

Richard offers to change so they can hunt him, if they’ll let Anita go. Jason’s a friend of yours. Nice attitude, Richard. Kaspar apologises, and says he wishes it was Gabriel and Raina in the cages.

then why the fuck didn’t you kidnap them?

Everyone leaves, and Jason starts changing into a wolf. If the next chapter involves wolf-on-human rape, I… honestly don’t know what I’ll do.

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